To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

Well no, there’s no one set rule for blended families anymore than there is for nuclear ones.

Marrying someone with children isn’t an agreement that you’ll be responsible for their children (and if the parent wants that then it’s their duty to establish that well in advance, and not date or marry someone that isn’t open to that), or be willing to upend your own plans because you’re required to provide childcare.

Why is he working ? Does he have to,do you need more cash at the moment. I would worry about going out and leaving a 12 year old to be out with friends, playing football what ever and no parent around about or responsible for them. 12-14 are those middle years where they don't want to always be out with you but not self sufficient totally. Really sad for these two. You can't let dad off the hook but compounding the problem yourself. You've got to tell him this isn't OK and come to an agreement.

Inviting them is not changing the plans.

I get it's his responsibility but why not ask?

I wonder sometimes the point in being a step parent if "parenting" is not part of the package.

This is why blended families are often disasters, and unfortunately it's the kids who suffer.

I have four DC 16,13,8 and 6 (all same dad). The older two do stay at home if I visit a friend with children similar ages to younger ones. Teens have no interest in going. Boring for them. I take your point OP. It's not easy pleasing everyone, and I say that as a nuclear family!

As a stepchild myself, this makes me sad. It’s not the kids’ fault their dad isn’t prioritising them. He should be spending time with them on his allocated days, not leaving them to it when he goes to work.

I get why you’re doing what you’re doing and I would feel the same in your shoes—DH is completely out of order here, and not taking responsibility for his children. But ultimately the ones paying the price here are the kids.

If it were me, I’d take a few steps:

1. Calendar (or a sheet printed out of a monthly view) on the fridge. All work times and custody visits are ON THE CALENDAR. If DH says on Friday night that he’s going into work on Saturday morning—‘Why isn’t it on the calendar? We are managing 5 busy schedules and it isn’t fair to any of us when you aren’t transparent about yours.’ Put things like ‘soft play’ or ‘at my sister’s house’ in—make it transparent that you won’t be around.
2. Have a conversation with DH at a time when DSC aren’t around, and not when he’s just dropped a bomb in you about work. ‘DSC come here to spend quality time with their father, who they rarely see. It’s not fair on them to be left on their own all day when they’ve come to spend quality time with you. I know money’s tight, but we need to organise overtime hours around the children. I’m worried that their memories of going over to Dad’s house to spend time with him will instead be of being left at home alone all day whilst he was at work. Kids aren’t stupid—they can see what’s going on.’

One of the big plus points for me in having dsc was that i got a look at what dh was like as a father before i took the plunge and had children with him. He's a great dad, so i had children with him. If he'd been a shit dad, i wouldn't.

Does he treat your children together as poorly as he does his own kids?

I think it’s fine for you to do stuff and crack on with the little ones but it also would kill you to plan something everyone could enjoy like bowling do something the older ones would like. It is shit their dad is buggering off on contact days but you also have a choice whether to dig in and make a point or try and make it a bit nicer for them. How engaged is he with them when he comes back from work?

Your DH is the arse here. Does he need to go to work at the weekend when his children are at your house, or is he simply choosing to because he can and he expects you to be the default parent?
You ask the DSC if they want to come out but of course they don't! Why would they want to get up early and get dragged round an aquarium with nursery aged children, instead of gaming or playing footie with their mates?!
If he's so worried about them being fed etc then he needs to actually do what he's supposed to be doing. Parent!

The zoo/aquarium is expensive. It depends on how their finances work, but I couldn't afford to spontaneously include 2 teens - some planning would be needed and the father would have to put his hand in his pocket... but it sounds like he just swans off to work and moans at the OP after the fact. Lunch out is a bit different.

I think you have got a very good understanding of the situation and I'd carry on as you are

How much parenting does he do for any of his children?

At dad I'd hope. It's not stepmums place to make up for dad's failings

Yes this is what I find with my dsc. They aren't interested. So that's fine. They're happy, you're happy.

Oh excellent, this man definitely should have procreated again feel so sorry for the kids.

I also agree you should carry on as you are. He sounds shit.

This is really lovely to read.

Your grandkids are lucky to have you.

And it sounds like you're pretty lucky to have them too. 💝

It’s inviting two additional people, changing the planned dynamic of the day. Why not ask? Because she didn’t want to, and it wasn’t on her to accept the responsibility her husband was trying to force on her. That was his responsibility, and the plans that needed changing were his. That he wasn’t willing to do that doesn’t mean it falls on OP.

The point? The relationship with the husband/wife I imagine. That’s what the stepparent signed up for. ‘Stepparent’ literally just means you married a parent, after all. If more is expected of them that's something the parent needs to make clear from the very start, not just expect as a matter of course.

The kids are older and your husband needs to go to work. It's not like you have to be hands on with them all day, he's only asking you to check they've had lunch and tbh I do think it's unfair you went on a nice day out and didn't even invite them.

It sounds like you're not functioning very well as a family unit.

My step grandkids are often here eating the contents of my fridge or lounging around my house. I sometimes see more of my grandkids than my actual 2 that still live here. I buy summer fruit squash everyweek and other things that we don't even like but isn't that what families do.

I'm sure the OP does that too. This is all on their father who deems it appropriate to leave his children at home. If he says they don't need looking after, then the OP can take him at his word. The OP has plans with her younger children. She is allowed to do that.

I do get your pov OP, your DH's assumption you'll fill the parenting shoes in his absence isn't on, it's his contact time not yours, after all.

Is their Mum aware of how often he's working when they're at yours and they're left to their own devices?

I also get that teens won't necessarily want to join you for activities aimed at the younger dc (or atually be up when you want to go out 😂) but i don't think it's great for them to be left on their own, when they're not at their main home. I was that teen once, and i felt uncomfortable and a bit 'fish out of water' tbh. Your DH really needs to prioritise his dc when they're with you.

He is not, in fact, only asking that. You clearly read about the day trips so you must know that.

No it's not. I agree.

But this affects their whole family.

It's not about his kids and their kids, It's about a shitty environment for everyone. It's about a family where presumably none of the kids are prioritized.

If he can't parent his first two kids, I doubt he will parent the second two.

As a Mom, it should concern her that the older kids are being neglected.

Not because she has to fix it, but because their are kids under her roof hurting because of thier shut Dad and her shit husband.

He’s a shit dad and while we all agree that you shouldn’t have to step up to make up for his shitness, you still should for the sake of those poor kids.

What else is he asking?

I do actually agree with him that as they are meant to be a family (they're married after all?) that OP went out and took only 2 out of the 4 kids.

I am a stepchild myself and my stepparent would not treat me differently to his own children. This is so important for healthy dynamics in a family.

It just sounds like there is a huge split in this 'family' and it saddens me tbh. I feel sorry for the stepkids.