Page 27 | To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

PickledFrog · 2024-04-04T06:16:48+00:00

My husband has two older children and we have younger DC together. Since they have been older (12 & 14) he has got into the habit of leaving them at home at the weekend whilst he goes to work (SE so can definitely choose whether to go or not) often not telling me about this until the night before / day of. He will say it doesn't matter because they are old enough to look after themselves so makes no difference to me. Fine. I have taken to thinking well I'll just get on with my day then as normal if he says it makes no difference to me I.e. Still going out with the little ones etc.. He will make comments about this though sometimes like if I'm out over lunch time asking me if DSC have eaten, what they have for lunch, should be making sure they have something. Or even sometimes saying it's mean of me not to take DSC out with me if I end up going somewhere they might light for example I once had a trip to a big aquarium/zoo place planned with my sister and our younger children and he was pissed that I didn't immediately take DSC with me when I found out he had decided to go in work, instead they stayed home alone all day. I just think he wants his cake and to eat it too. You can't say oh it makes no difference to you because they can look after themselves so I'm going out and then in the same breath moan about me not looking after them? Can they look after themselves or not? If they can then it shouldn't matter that I get on with my day, if they can't then he should be at home or at the very least asking me if it's okay. What do you think?

Crabble · 04/04/2024 21:16

Whatever the rights and wrongs of OP going out without them etc, she’s right that her DH can’t have it both ways. If she is expected to look after then to any degree, or change her plans to accommodate them, then he should check with her before deciding to work at the weekend.

It sounds like her DH wants OP to take the slack with his kids at the weekend without having to recognise that she is doing this for him, and I’m not surprised she feels taken for granted

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 04/04/2024 21:19

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 15:05

Good for you. What do you want? A cookie? Their mother feels and does differently. It happens.

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As I said
Poor kids

SemperIdem · 04/04/2024 21:19

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 20:22

As the woman who lives with him and knows far more about his business than you do, he is choosing to go.

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I’ve been nothing but supportive of you on this thread, but ok

diddl · 04/04/2024 21:23

HollyKnight · 04/04/2024 19:02

The older children aren't visiting. It's their home. It's no different. This is exactly how mine and many other non-blended families work. Teens like a rest after a week of school and activities. Pre-school children still need entertained. It's you and others on here who are making out that the older children are not part of the family and so need to be treated differently/special.

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No of course they're not visiting I was wrong to say that.

So really it's of no consequence that their dad goes to work & their stepmum goes out.

You'd think that their dad would want to spend that time with them when they are there but as they are happy to be left to their own devices that's fine.

I wasn't trying to suggest that they be treated differently & I apologise if it came across as that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/04/2024 21:25

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 04/04/2024 21:19

As I said
Poor kids

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@BillyNotQuiteNoMates

children of those ages can make something for their lunch though?

Jewel52 · 04/04/2024 21:31

Janiie · 04/04/2024 20:45

Kids tend to be very loyal to their parents. Even absent ones like the df and disinterested ones like his wife. They sometimes need guiding. So while they may not say 'we feel really unwelcome in your house and don't want to visit anynmore', if someone said, 'you know if you'd rather stay at home and see your friends and actually have fun at a weekend that is fine', well they could say ok yes thankyou!

They may not of course but someone, anyone, needs to talk to these poor kids.

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Why so melodramatic - “someone, anyone speak to the poor children”? You’re seeing a tiny snippet of their lives told by an involved party. Yet you’re creating conversations in your mind that need to be had - Why??? This seems to be more about you than anything the op has presented?

Liz1tummypain · 04/04/2024 21:41

I feel sorry for his kids.

Janiie · 04/04/2024 21:47

Jewel52 · 04/04/2024 21:31

Why so melodramatic - “someone, anyone speak to the poor children”? You’re seeing a tiny snippet of their lives told by an involved party. Yet you’re creating conversations in your mind that need to be had - Why??? This seems to be more about you than anything the op has presented?

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It's hardly 'melodramatic' to suggest that someone actually has a conversation with the kids, see if theyre ok with the level of disinterest they experience at their dad's.

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 21:50

@Janiie it is melodramatic to assume those conversations never happened or that the kids are miserable and just not showing it.

Plenty of threads on here about step kids voting with their feet, or being more interested in mates and hobbies than contact, or kicking off despite being waited on hand and foot by anyone, but no THESE kids must be miserable because you decided they are.

tillytown · 04/04/2024 22:01

Poor kids, not just the older ones but the little ones too. I'll never understand why parents, who claim to love their kids, try as hard as they can to cause a rift between step siblings? The dad is lazy and can't be bothered with any of them, and the step mum would rather be petty then include her step kids, surely you both know the only people you are hurting here are your children

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 04/04/2024 22:24

People who have large age gaps between their own bio kids must leave the older ones home and go out with the toddlers, no?

If I had a 12/14 year old who want to sleep in until 12, and a toddler who’s awake from 6am you bet I’ll be going out. And probably spend time with the older two in the evening.

It’s unclear from OPs posts what the rest of the relationship is like, but I’d make sure they had food and make sure we spent some time together in the evenings or Sundays etc. If OP and her DH are doing that then there no issue, except for her DH not acknowledging what he actually expects from her. That’s still a problem. It’s the equivalent almost of a man saying to his SAHM wife that she’s got all the time in the world to do what she wants then being aghast if the kids aren’t looked after and food isn’t ready.

Iaskedyouthrice · 04/04/2024 22:25

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 20:48

So you do exactly what OP does. Why is she in the wrong and you're not?

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That poster won't reply. They never do and on the rare occasion they do they have invented quite the story. It all boils down to insecurity. The fear that one day their dh will say the dreaded words... I've met someone. This pure venom must creep in to their everyday lives. We should pity them. And most certainly their kids. Imagine having a mum who spouts awful made up stuff about other women online?

justasking111 · 04/04/2024 22:28

Teenagers do sleep in at weekends. I've always cracked on in the morning but didn't leave the house. But I didn't have two little ones too.

RawBloomers · 04/04/2024 22:49

tillytown · 04/04/2024 22:01

Poor kids, not just the older ones but the little ones too. I'll never understand why parents, who claim to love their kids, try as hard as they can to cause a rift between step siblings? The dad is lazy and can't be bothered with any of them, and the step mum would rather be petty then include her step kids, surely you both know the only people you are hurting here are your children

OP isn't excluding her stepkids. There is no rift between the step-siblings. The stepkids DO NOT WANT to go to soft play or the zoo, and when OP goes somewhere they would like she takes them. Just like a huge number of teens, they are happy mooching at home on the weekend a lot of the time.

Why do you push a false narrative on to other women? It is nasty and pointless.

RawBloomers · 04/04/2024 23:03

Yetmorebeanstocount · 04/04/2024 21:04

I applaud the OP for refusing to be the 'default' parent to DSC. It is not okay for men to assume this or force women into this position.
But she needs to do more to try and make DH step up - however long and earnest conversations are probably all she can do, other than leaving him.
I would hope he wouldn't leave his DC home alone all day if he had no partner at all.

Why does she need to make the DH step up? She, he, the kids mother, and millions of other parents accept that as they get older kids appreciate time to decompress at the weekend, set their own schedule, and mooch around for a day. Many parents whether they are in blended families, single parent families or "traditional" families are happy to let them do that. OP has also made it clear that this isn't something that happens all the time the kids are with them so they get plenty of other time with the rest of the family.

Leaving them to get their own lunch (less than) once a week is hardly putting them in an onerous position. Helicopter parenting and constant supervision does them no favours as they get older.

RawBloomers · 04/04/2024 23:06

Janiie · 04/04/2024 21:47

It's hardly 'melodramatic' to suggest that someone actually has a conversation with the kids, see if theyre ok with the level of disinterest they experience at their dad's.

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It's melodramatic to call them "poor children" and to suggest that total strangers ("someone, anyone") should talk to them about whether they are okay mooching around for one day a week.

sterli2323 · 04/04/2024 23:07

Cakeandcookies · 04/04/2024 20:40

Your other half doesn't seem particularly bothered and you are right he should step up. I do however feel sorry for the step children. Of they are going to be left home alone what is the point of them being there at all? Also playing out with friends and not being sure where they are at the age of 12 would be a no from me. I hope he steps up for all of your sakes.

What’s the point of them being at their actual Mothers as she leaves the alone as well ?

Concannon88 · 04/04/2024 23:26

Katela18 · 04/04/2024 15:38

We went bowling for my 4 year olds bday, can confirm 2 year old was a nightmare

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We went bowling once with teenagers and a 4 year old, 4 year old got hit in the face when someone was bowling as they'd walked up behind them 🙄

Original poster

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 23:27

Sorry this whole I make lunch for my two but not the others, wash mine but not his -is really petty. He does the same

Where have I said I do this?!?! Literally no where. Another load of made up tosh.

I have, in fact, said the exact opposite of this!!

OP posts:

Concannon88 · 04/04/2024 23:34

Anonymous2025 · 04/04/2024 17:17

I don’t understand this sort of post . Did you not know he had 2 children ? He is working but going out to have fun , as his wife can’t you just treat your step children as family and make them lunch ?
whne you say he doesn’t have to work , do you emma he can work from home or he would need to stop working those days ? If your family can take the hit from lost wages then yes I would be upset , if not then surely you work as a team and you help each other

I Perhaps you don't understand because you've poor reading comprehension?

How can she make them lunch when she's not in the house with them? She's already stated that she does make them lunch if she is there. Why is your question not "why is their father choosing to work on contact days?"

Its also not lost wages as hes working extra.

Anonymous2025 · 04/04/2024 23:39

Concannon88 · 04/04/2024 23:34

I Perhaps you don't understand because you've poor reading comprehension?

How can she make them lunch when she's not in the house with them? She's already stated that she does make them lunch if she is there. Why is your question not "why is their father choosing to work on contact days?"

Its also not lost wages as hes working extra.

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Can’t she make them lunch before going out ? I have 2 step kids , in fact our kids range from 1 to 22 ( although the 22 does his own thing ) and I would never leave any of them feeling left out or without food .
And I assume people work because they need to maybe ? I can’t grasp this putting his children aside . If I’m out of the house I expect hubby to take care if the family his, mine and ours , and o do the same . It’s not rocket science . It’s being a family . Just in case your reading comprehension doesn’t understand the meaning of family

Concannon88 · 04/04/2024 23:41

Janiie · 04/04/2024 18:33

'Yes I do. Would you like a list?'

'I make evening meals 9 days out of 10 which they eat. I wash their clothes, bed clothes, sports kits. I hoover their room most of the time and often end up tidying it too. I pick them up from hobbies on my way home from work during the week most of the time. I pay half for our holidays, food they eat, the home they live in and so on.'

but do you like them cos it doesn't some across if so. Maybe that's why they decline your occasional gracious invites. Cooking and cleaning are admirable but social skills more so imo.

There is clearly an axe to grind with errant dh and who can blame you. Stop taking it out on the kids though.

You've clearly got an awesome to grind with stepmothers. Stop taking it out on op though

RawBloomers · 04/04/2024 23:48

@Anonymous2025 If I’m out of the house I expect hubby to take care if the family his, mine and ours , and o do the same . It’s not rocket science . It’s being a family . Just in case your reading comprehension doesn’t understand the meaning of family

So if she's out, which she is in the cases where she doesn't make them lunch, shouldn't she expect DH to make them lunch? May be before he goes out? And if he isn't going to do that but still expects someone to make lunch for his kids, shouldn't he be honest with her that his going to work does have an impact on others as he expects her to do it?

OP's AIBU is about her DH having this double standard - Do you think it's right that he tell her his going to work (which, no, he doesn't have to do - he didn't work on weekends the kids were there when they were younger and the extra money he now earns on this extra day of work goes into his pocket, not the family pot) has no impact on her but to still expect her to cancel her plans or do extra work that he can't be bothered doing?

Concannon88 · 04/04/2024 23:51

uneffingbelievable · 04/04/2024 20:46

I have 3 DSCs now older than OPS - if I am in the house and making my lunch I ask them if they want anything, Dad often not in the house. If i am going out I tell them what is around to eat and what not to touch

Likewise washing - I tell them washing will be done on x day - put what they want in the whites or coloureds basket- hand washed stuff they do themselves.

Sorry this whole I make lunch for my two but not the others, wash mine but not his -is really petty. He does the same.

OP is point scoring against her DP and using the children to do it -seriously that says more about OP than anyone else.

And the mother goes out for a meal occasionally leaving her 14 yr old to baby sit the 12 yr old - normal family development for a few hours - but not the whole day.

Again another poster who cannot read. She clearly states if she is in she will make them lunch. But if she's not in and he asks her what they've had for lunch is going against what he's told her

Anonymous2025 · 04/04/2024 23:56

RawBloomers · 04/04/2024 23:48

@Anonymous2025 If I’m out of the house I expect hubby to take care if the family his, mine and ours , and o do the same . It’s not rocket science . It’s being a family . Just in case your reading comprehension doesn’t understand the meaning of family

So if she's out, which she is in the cases where she doesn't make them lunch, shouldn't she expect DH to make them lunch? May be before he goes out? And if he isn't going to do that but still expects someone to make lunch for his kids, shouldn't he be honest with her that his going to work does have an impact on others as he expects her to do it?

OP's AIBU is about her DH having this double standard - Do you think it's right that he tell her his going to work (which, no, he doesn't have to do - he didn't work on weekends the kids were there when they were younger and the extra money he now earns on this extra day of work goes into his pocket, not the family pot) has no impact on her but to still expect her to cancel her plans or do extra work that he can't be bothered doing?

Is he useless with all the kids ? If so then that’s her issue . My issue is you treat every kid the same . She doesn’t seem bothered he abandoned their kids to go to work only the step kids . If this was a post about hubby always leaving the wife with every kid to go to work then my reply would be very different.