To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

Does he spend any time with the younger two as well that are presumably his children?

People really REALLY don't like women, especially stepmothers, having boundaries do they? This thread has been eye opening.
The OP has been called gleeful, cold, uninterested and delighted in upsetting her stepkids. Just because she has boundaries. Madness.

She doesn’t have to act suitably cowed in order to satisfy anyone having a go at her.

She’s not using the children as weapons, she’s just getting on with her life and her plans. Their father is the one trying to palm his responsibilities off onto her, she isn’t in the wrong by not accepting that.

Are you getting what you need out of this thread OP?

I'd say one week out of four, yes, fine to leave them to their own devices - with your supervision or not.

But your DH should be doing something with them with his contact time, making breakfast/lunch, taking them somewhere, playing video games with them, taking an interest.

They are old but not that old and soon enough they'll be off out in the world and perhaps not that bothered about seeing parents who would have rather worked than spend time with them.

Her main problem is that her dh told her they don't need much looking after and by asking her if they've eaten it's made her feel like her responsibility after all.
So she has to prove her point that they do and wants to be and I quote "asked by him " to look after them rather than just doing so. To 'prove her point'
poor poor children regardless what all you heartless people say.
Change the custody arrangements. Dad should pay up for them instead.

Your husband should be giving you notice and choice about when he is working due to the step kids, but even if he feels they do not need looking after wjat about the younger two? And basic courtesy? If my dh is off at the weekend we make plans a family, even just logistics of fitting in the food shop while other parent around to watch the kids rather than bring them. Or to book a haircut or go a jog. As a father he should be consulting you about his shifts if he has choice. Even if no kids it is a basic courtesy.

He should also aim to be off at weekends when step kids. Really unfair on them not to have him around.

No, she took him at his word and got on with her day as she had planned to. He then decided to get arsey about it later.

If he’s got certain expectations then he needs to communicate that, and actually ask her if he wants her to do something rather than just assume she’ll do it, rather than expect her to somehow understand that in reality he wants her to do the exact opposite of what he’s claimed to be fine with. She’s not a mind reader.

As you say Op your husband doesn't need to work weekends but he does. Why is that?
And you're correct if they are old enough to be left and fend for themselves why is he getting annoyed with you? I don't understand, what exactly is his grief? What does he say when you explain?

And the kids seem happy enough to do their own thing? Or are they complaining to their Dad for some reason as it seems a bit odd and irrational for him to be taking this attitude

Yeah @bellezarara but with op’s wording it would seam even if her and her partner were to go she thinks it would be impossible for a toddler to sit through a game of bowling. It’s amazing what toddlers and young kids can do if given a chance

Just a suggestion - RTFT. The mum doesn't want them any more than 50/50.

OP I've read all your replies and obviously this bothers you as you've posted, but you haven't actually said what you think of him for this?

If I was the kids I’d stop coming to stay. Neither of you are making an effort with them. They must feel like no one wants them. Mine are similar age they still like the zoo etc. It sounds like you’re annoyed with him so the kids are stuck at home because you are refusing to parent them. I wonder how you would feel if your kids got to that age and your ex and a new partner behaved that way?
Your dh needs to step up and you need to communicate it basically.

That's not really relevant is it? The issue here is the OP is alone, so what would be the case if DH deigned to join them doesn't arise.

Your OH is being unreasonable, but you need to step in. They can't be left without lunch or not included in family trips, that would be quite hurtful. Sort OH out but don't let the children be treated like this (as someone who grew up in a step-family it is hard enough at the best of times)

Or, the Dad could be there for them as actually the OP says he doesn't need to work weekends.

Also, she has asked the other kids to join the outings (if appropriate) and they have declined preferring to do their own thing so she's not being unreasonable or refusing to parent them.

No, she doesn’t. That isn’t on her to do. What will sort him out, if anything, is her not stepping in to shoulder his failings.

So, OP. Now you know you are not unreasonable. Are you going to say to your DH: this is how it is going to be going forward and I don't want to hear a peep out of you? (and carry on as you are)

Or do you want him to change? Do you know if the SDCs are bothered by any of this? because if they are, it might be a good time to get the older one to mention to their dad that they don't think it's great dadding.

She isn't refusing to parent them because she isn't their parent. Their actual parent is refusing to parent them.
I would think the OP would be furious with her exdh in that scenario. What kind of entitled mother would actually expect their exes partner to take on any responsibility for their children?! Not one with any self respect i can tell you. God I would be mortified, wouldn't you? I would expect a new partner to be kind and welcoming. That's it. I would expect their actual parent to parent them.

Both of you need to remember there are two children in the middle of this who are being brought up to feel like neither of you care about them enough to spend any time with them. Husband needs to stop working on a weekend unless necessary, and you both need to start doing activities that suit the whole family - at the moment, his older children are being taught that his job and the shiny new children are more important than them. Speaking from experience, I have no contact with my dad as an adult due to how much of an inconvenience I was made to feel in the same situation. Discuss like adults and come up with a plan of how to be a functioning blended family.

Her words not mine if you read all her posts
yawn

Yes, you do seem tired. Have a nap.

I have thanks and things change...
If mum knew her children were causing such an issue through no fault of their own she deserves to know and to change arrangements.
I mean what good parent would want this for their children.
They are hardly not affected by this.

Oh your one of them petty people who have to have the last say 🙄 getting away from the point of thread there 🤭

Child Neglect House of Horror: 14 year old has to make own sandwich while left in house alone for 4 whole hours.

What an abomination!!

If their father is concerned about them having lunch then he needs to arrange that.