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Brexitannian NewSpeak Dictionary (WIP)

(109 Posts)
TheElementsSong Thu 01-Aug-19 12:43:56

In view of ongoing events, and prompted by the recent influx of inspiring new blame-shuckers and empty-slogan-spritzers, I feel that the Brexitannian NewSpeak Dictionary has got so big that it now deserves a thread of its own that we can simply link to as required (many thanks to all previous contributors for your excellent definitions). Contributions and editing welcome please!

~~~~~~~~
Dictionary July 2019

PANIC : taking gradual action, in July, for an event in November (see also: DELUDED, HYSTERICAL, PARANOID LUNATIC).

SMUG: having taken gradual action in July (see also: HYSTERICAL).

SHORTAGES: something that will definitely happen in July, when supply chains are not disrupted, due to PANIC (see above), but somehow will definitely not happen in November, when supply chains are disrupted.

CAUSATION: people who buy smoke alarms in July cause fires in November.

OBESITY CRISIS: an undesirable state of the nation, caused by European strawberries, and which will be cured by the SHORTAGES which aren’t going to happen, or alternatively by a PATRIOTIC (see below) government mandate for the thin people to eat slices off the fat people.

BLITZSPIRIT: something apparently very good and quintessentially British, a highly desirable state of the nation, which will come about in November (but not in July) due to the SHORTAGES (see above) which are not going to happen in November (but are in July).

PATRIOTIC: proficiency at reciting hollow slogans and short empty phrases, disparagement of analytical thought.

ARMY: SMUG (see above) group who are UNPATRIOTICALLY PANICKING (see above).

BELITTLING: asking basic questions of someone with whom you are in conversation in order to identify whether you are both proceeding from the same level of comprehension of the relevant issues.

BETRAYAL: any version of Brexit that does not satisfy the specific personal vision of each of 17 million voters, and which furthermore tracks the aforementioned personal visions on their journey of radicalisation from what they were in 2016 to the present.

STOCKPILE: simultaneously
(1) a hoard of essentials literally taken from the mouths of proper ordinary people by posh elites who have pushed prices up and CAUSED (see above) SHORTAGES (see above),
(2) a hoard of luxurious irrelevant fripperies like caviar and au pairs, that only posh elites care about thus irrelevant to proper ordinary people,
(3) a vast load of stodgy unappetising inedibles, not proper food, that no proper ordinary people would want anyway, and which will end up being thrown away and wasted thus destroying the environment thanks to posh elites (See also: LETTUCE).
(4) at some convenient point in time, will always have been a PATRIOTIC and obviously sensible thing to do, for a particular list of items and by a particular list of individuals/companies (if not on the list, then definitions 1-3 continue to apply).

CRESS: Level of agricultural and food distribution expertise required to assure everybody not to STOCKPILE (see above).

CRYSTAL BALL:
(1) A Heisenberg quantum device permitting Leavers to accurately predict that “it” will be “FIIIIIINNNEE” after a “short term” of “some adjustment” but which, when asked for measurements of “fine/short/some” ceases to exist.
(2) A device that Remainers definitely don’t have, which is why they PANIC (see above) and CAUSE (see above) SHORTAGES (see above) without any evidence for their actions.

STARVATION: an often-fatal and previously undesirable condition. Due to BLITZSPIRIT (see above) anything less severe than this is no longer deemed worthy of discussion. (See also: MAD MAX, ARMAGEDDON, END OF THE UNIVERSE, TENT CITIES).

REVELLING: keeping, for unapproved reasons such as Brexit, a STOCKPILE (see above), however keeping a STOCKPILE (see above) for approved reasons such as “just because” is FIIIIIINNNEE especially if you use a euphemism like “Why, I always keep months of food in my shed, isn’t that normal?”. (See also: MASSIVE HYPOCRITE).

FLAT-EARTHERS:
(1) people who think that a No Deal crash-out Brexit might result in supply chain disruption
(2) NOT people who believe that a No Deal crash-out Brexit will produce no discernible effects on anything whatsoever, or even attract golden unicorns.

CONTROL, TAKING BACK:
(1) a PATRIOTIC (see above) act by means of once-in-a-lifetime pencilling an ‘X’ on a small piece of paper, by supinely accepting any ensuing events, and by emoting positively.
(2) an undesirably treasonous, unpatriotic undermining of national interest by means of STOCKPILING (see above) to secure supplies, or to pre-empt anticipated price-rises.

SUPERMARKET PROMOTION:
(1) ordinarily a regular and unremarkable marketing strategy encouraging seasonal purchasing or attracting shoppers of a frugal, thrifty nature - unless they are TAKING BACK CONTROL (see above) in which case see below (2).
(2) a treasonous, unpatriotic undermining of Brexitannia due to encouragement of PANIC (see above) buying of STOCKPILES (see above) causing SHORTAGES (see above).

PROPAGANDA:
(1) factual information given by EXPERTS, the government, anybody tainted by possible foreign sympathies, or in fact anybody with knowledge gleaned from sources other than the gutter press.
(2) a bona fide male goose

WTO: a meaningless mantra, its significance long forgotten in the ancient mists of deep time, which is recited to invoke positive Brexitannian emotions.

DEAL (Syn: May's Deal, Boris's Deal, Corbyn's Deal, any deal):
(1) (Before 31st October) Unacceptable loss of sovereignty and BETRAYAL (see above) of Brexit
(2) (After 1st November) Inevitable, PATRIOTIC (see above), secures food and medicine imports that were never at risk.

REMAINERS:
(1) Non-existent, insignificant, effectively 0% of the population who should be silenced and have no effect on anything at all.
(2) A powerful elite fifth column of traitorous saboteurs in vast numbers, who can kill Brexit fairies by sheer power of thought (See also: EXPERTS) and who are to blame for undesirable bad things happening that aren’t/weren’t happening but also are happening and are desirable despite being bad (See also: PROJECT FEAR).

PROJECT FEAR: any suboptimal outcome/consequence of Brexit that has been predicted by EXPERTS (See also: PROPAGANDA), which will definitely not happen ever (See also: FAKE NEWS, FIIIIIINNNEE), but if/when it does happen, will in fact (a) have been knowingly voted for by Leavers (See also: BLITZSPIRIT), and (b) would have happened inevitably anyway not due to Brexit, and (c) will therefore render (a) and (b) contradictory.

BLOW-JOB:
(1) Fellatio
(2) Current prime minister

DUST SPAFFER, JACOB THE: Honourable member for the 18th century, and Leader of the House.

bellinisurge Thu 01-Aug-19 14:06:41

I showed this to my dh to cheer him up. It worked. Thank you.

prettybird Thu 01-Aug-19 14:22:56

Project Fear : anything negative that Non-BeLeavers suggest will happen (unless it is in a leaflet from BlowJob, in which case it is a) just to illustrate to the EU that he is serious about leaving with No Deal and/or b) sensible planning confused

...see also "Mark Carney" and "Bank of England" wink

AutumnCrow Thu 01-Aug-19 14:54:49

Please add in FARM SHOP and INDEPENDENT BUTCHER

grin

flouncyfanny Thu 01-Aug-19 15:16:12

"What to do to prepare for no-deal Brexit" leaflet - see also PAPER, TOILET

DorisDaysDadsDogsDead Thu 01-Aug-19 15:38:33

I'm sure someone can improve on this (and add to it);

DEMOCRACY:
(1) A one-time vote bought by foreign powers and lies which MUST NEVER BE REVISITED
(2) An unelected Prime Minister deciding what you voted for

DorisDaysDadsDogsDead Thu 01-Aug-19 15:42:26

WILLY OF THE PEOPLE:
Alexander de Pfeffle Johnson

TheElementsSong Thu 01-Aug-19 15:44:43

Loving these!

flouncyfanny Thu 01-Aug-19 15:50:01

"Farm Shop" location of suicidal bankrupt farmers attempting to repel rioting BeLeavers who couldn't be arsed with forward purchasing in July.

"Independent Butcher" ex small business owner trying to sell home-grown rats as bleached chicken.

as quoted up-thread

SingingBabooshkaBadly Thu 01-Aug-19 18:41:20

TENS OF THOUSANDS :
(1) Around 1 million PV/Remain supporters
(2) A few hundred Brexit supporters

NB: Meaning is dependent on which March the BBC is reporting on.

TheElementsSong Thu 01-Aug-19 19:38:30

🤣

AutumnCrow Thu 01-Aug-19 19:45:02

TREASON: a bunch of nice mums filling up a cupboard in advance of publicised disruption
NOT TREASON: senior politicians and members of their families benefiting from financial and/or social transactions that became lucrative owing to the machinations of agents and/or other personnel connected to, acquainted with, or belonging to, foreign governments, up to and including tanking the pound

MockerstheFeManist Thu 01-Aug-19 19:52:11

ELITE, (the): Town Oiks who did go to Eton or Oxford.

MockerstheFeManist Thu 01-Aug-19 19:52:28

....didn't!!!!

TheElementsSong Thu 01-Aug-19 22:30:08

Seeking a definition for LOO ROLL now please grin

Apileofballyhoo Thu 01-Aug-19 22:39:48

This is brilliant. You deserve a free stockpile.

BlackeyedGruesome Thu 01-Aug-19 23:46:00

Loo roll. Turning motion to move from toilet to shower to wash arse as inadequate supplies of shiny paper available to thread onto string and hang off nail beside the loo.

BlackeyedGruesome Thu 01-Aug-19 23:47:33

0.05 of a roll per person as stockpiled by supplier.

Epanoui Fri 02-Aug-19 00:21:01

LOO ROLL
a) a sensible useful item that all people would wish to have access to as part of their daily routine and might wish to stock up on in case of shortages
b) a seditious nonsense that nobody really needs. Stocking up on this may cause a Brexit fairy to die
YMMV

Alislia17 Fri 02-Aug-19 03:42:22

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheElementsSong Fri 02-Aug-19 09:04:18

Loo roll. Turning motion to move from toilet to shower to wash arse as inadequate supplies of shiny paper available to thread onto string and hang off nail beside the loo.

<Dies> 😂🤣😂🤣

CrunchyCarrot Fri 02-Aug-19 19:50:49

FRENZY/FRENZYING The state of elevated anxiety over whether one has enough TOILET ROLLS, baked beans or other every day items thereby resulting in a mass-buying spree of 3 such items, leading to empty shelves and PANIC and further STOCKPILING.

TheElementsSong Fri 02-Aug-19 21:00:37

Fucking hell, this NewSpeak is getting really convoluted, but I'm trying my best to keep up... smile

SCAREMONGERING: any discussion of STOCKPILING (see above definitions 1-3 ) or even discussion of reasons why one might carry out STOCKPILING ( defs 1-3 ) [such as mentioning supply chain disruption or SHORTAGES because these are definitely not going to happen (see also PROJECT FEAR)]; however STOCKPILING (see above definition 4 ) is entirely sensible and PATRIOTIC including discussion of why one might carry out STOCKPILING ( def 4 ) [such as mentioning supply chain disruption or SHORTAGES because these are probably going to happen and that’s what we knowingly voted for (see also PROJECT FEAR)].

flouncyfanny Sat 03-Aug-19 13:05:35

FOX, LIAM: the disgraced former defence and trade secretary and Werrity sniffer.
paraphrased from lonelyplantetmum - take a bow!

flouncyfanny Sat 03-Aug-19 14:54:01

Elements
just so it isn't lost...

STARVATION: an often-fatal and previously undesirable condition. Due to BLITZSPIRIT (see above) anything less severe than this is no longer deemed worthy of discussion. (See also: MAD MAX, ARMAGEDDON, END OF THE UNIVERSE, TENT CITIES).

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