Brexitannian NewSpeak Dictionary (WIP)

[TheElementsSong]

In view of ongoing events, and prompted by the recent influx of inspiring new blame-shuckers and empty-slogan-spritzers, I feel that the Brexitannian NewSpeak Dictionary has got so big that it now deserves a thread of its own that we can simply link to as required (many thanks to all previous contributors for your excellent definitions). Contributions and editing welcome please!

<span class="underline">Dictionary July 2019</span>

PANIC : taking gradual action, in July, for an event in November (see also: DELUDED, HYSTERICAL, PARANOID LUNATIC).

SMUG: having taken gradual action in July (see also: HYSTERICAL).

SHORTAGES: something that will <span class="italic">definitely</span> happen in July, when supply chains are <span class="italic">not</span> disrupted, due to PANIC (see above), but somehow will definitely <span class="italic">not</span> happen in November, when supply chains <span class="italic">are</span> disrupted.

CAUSATION: people who buy smoke alarms in July cause fires in November.

OBESITY CRISIS: an <span class="italic">undesirable</span> state of the nation, caused by European strawberries, and which will be cured by the SHORTAGES which aren’t going to happen, or alternatively by a PATRIOTIC (see below) government mandate for the thin people to eat slices off the fat people.

BLITZSPIRIT: something apparently very good and quintessentially British, a highly <span class="italic">desirable</span> state of the nation, which will come about in <span class="italic">November</span> (but not in July) due to the SHORTAGES (see above) which are not going to happen in November (but are in <span class="italic">July</span>).

PATRIOTIC: proficiency at reciting hollow slogans and short empty phrases, disparagement of analytical thought.

ARMY: SMUG (see above) group who are UNPATRIOTICALLY PANICKING (see above). 

BELITTLING: asking basic questions of someone with whom you are in conversation in order to identify whether you are both proceeding from the same level of comprehension of the relevant issues.

BETRAYAL: <span class="italic">any</span> version of Brexit that does not satisfy the <span class="italic">specific</span> personal vision of each of 17 million voters, and which furthermore tracks the aforementioned personal visions on their journey of radicalisation from what they were in 2016 to the present.

STOCKPILE: simultaneously 
(1) a hoard of essentials literally taken from the mouths of <span class="italic">proper ordinary</span> people by posh elites who have pushed prices up and CAUSED (see above) SHORTAGES (see above), 
(2) a hoard of luxurious irrelevant fripperies like caviar and au pairs, that only posh elites care about thus irrelevant to proper ordinary people, 
(3) a vast load of stodgy unappetising inedibles, not proper food, that no proper ordinary people would want anyway, and which will end up being thrown away and wasted thus destroying the environment thanks to posh elites (See also: LETTUCE).
(4) at some convenient point in time, will <span class="italic">always</span> have been a PATRIOTIC and <span class="italic">obviously</span> sensible thing to do, for a particular list of items and by a particular list of individuals/companies (if not on the list, then definitions 1-3 continue to apply).

CRESS: Level of agricultural and food distribution expertise required to assure everybody not to STOCKPILE (see above).

CRYSTAL BALL: 
(1) A Heisenberg quantum device permitting Leavers to accurately predict that “it” will be “FIIIIIINNNEE” after a “short term” of “some adjustment” but which, when asked for measurements of “fine/short/some” ceases to exist.
(2) A device that Remainers definitely don’t have, which is why they PANIC (see above) and CAUSE (see above) SHORTAGES (see above) without any evidence for their actions.

STARVATION: an often-fatal and previously <span class="italic">undesirable</span> condition. Due to BLITZSPIRIT (see above) anything <span class="italic">less severe</span> than this is no longer deemed worthy of discussion. (See also: MAD MAX, ARMAGEDDON, END OF THE UNIVERSE, TENT CITIES).

REVELLING: keeping, for unapproved reasons such as Brexit, a STOCKPILE (see above), however keeping a STOCKPILE (see above) for <span class="italic">approved</span> reasons such as “just because” is FIIIIIINNNEE especially if you use a euphemism like “Why, I <span class="italic">always</span> keep months of food in <span class="italic">my</span> shed, isn’t that <span class="italic">normal</span>?”. (See also: MASSIVE HYPOCRITE).

FLAT-EARTHERS: 
(1) people who think that a No Deal crash-out Brexit might result in supply chain disruption
(2) NOT people who believe that a No Deal crash-out Brexit will produce no discernible effects on anything whatsoever, or even attract golden unicorns.

CONTROL, TAKING BACK:
(1) a PATRIOTIC (see above) act by means of once-in-a-lifetime pencilling an ‘X’ on a small piece of paper, by supinely accepting any ensuing events, and by emoting positively.
(2) an undesirably treasonous, unpatriotic undermining of national interest by means of STOCKPILING (see above) to secure supplies, or to pre-empt anticipated price-rises.

SUPERMARKET PROMOTION: 
(1) ordinarily a regular and unremarkable marketing strategy encouraging seasonal purchasing or attracting shoppers of a frugal, thrifty nature - unless they are TAKING BACK CONTROL (see above) in which case see below (2).
(2) a treasonous, unpatriotic undermining of Brexitannia due to encouragement of PANIC (see above) buying of STOCKPILES (see above) causing SHORTAGES (see above).

PROPAGANDA: 
(1) factual information given by EXPERTS, the government, anybody tainted by possible foreign sympathies, <span class="italic">or</span> in fact anybody with knowledge gleaned from sources other than the gutter press.
(2) a <span class="italic">bona fide</span> male goose

WTO: a meaningless mantra, its significance long forgotten in the ancient mists of deep time, which is recited to invoke positive Brexitannian emotions.

DEAL (Syn: May's Deal, Boris's Deal, Corbyn's Deal, any deal):
(1) (Before 31st October) Unacceptable loss of sovereignty and BETRAYAL (see above) of Brexit 
(2) (After 1st November) Inevitable, PATRIOTIC (see above), secures food and medicine imports that were never at risk.

REMAINERS:
(1) Non-existent, insignificant, effectively 0% of the population who should be silenced and have no effect on anything at all.
(2) A powerful elite fifth column of traitorous saboteurs in vast numbers, who can kill Brexit fairies by sheer power of <span class="italic">thought</span> (See also: EXPERTS) and who are to blame for undesirable bad things happening that aren’t/weren’t happening but also are happening and are desirable despite being bad (See also: PROJECT FEAR).

PROJECT FEAR: any suboptimal outcome/consequence of Brexit that has been predicted by EXPERTS (See also: PROPAGANDA), which will <span class="italic">definitely</span> not happen ever (See also: FAKE NEWS, FIIIIIINNNEE), but if/when it <span class="italic">does</span> happen, will in fact (a) have been knowingly voted for by Leavers (See also: BLITZSPIRIT), and (b) would have happened inevitably <span class="italic">anyway</span> not due to Brexit, and (c) will therefore render (a) and (b) contradictory.

BLOW-JOB:
(1) Fellatio
(2) Current prime minister

DUST SPAFFER, JACOB THE: Honourable member for the 18th century, and Leader of the House.

OVERWHELMING VICTORY
When the result is 52:48 % in Leave's favour.

CLOSE RESULT - VIRTUALLY A TIE
Any other contest with the same result, but it doesn't suit the Leave cause.

Has anyone got one for MERCEDES/BMWs/PROSECCO?

SNARKY: Any discussion which express disagreement with some aspect of Brexit, and having the temerity to do so in a non-serious tone which displays a lack of RESPECT (see below) for the august institution of Brexit and its noble adherents. For expressing Brexit disagreement in a serious tone, see BELITTLING.

RESPECTFUL: Expressing ardent agreement with some aspect of Brexit, particularly if this is due to born-again conversion to the cause from the dark side.

flouncy Nice one! I would add just one sentence, something like "Nevertheless, apparently these are purchased by Brits in such vast quantities that manufacturers will compel the EU to overturn its central pillars and disregard the opinions of its actual member states, to offer supplication to the UK."

Schrodinger's MERCEDES/BMW:
Reliable, high-end cars manufactured by Furriners in Furrinland that are expensive yet simultaneously bought by so many PROUD BRITISH people that the companies will DEMOCRATICALLY make sure that the NASTY, UNDEMOCRATIC EU give us PROUD BRITISH people everything that we ask for.

Overinflated sense of one's own importance to world trade.

Seems people think we buy so much that they will have to surrender and trade with us rather than ship a few more to other countries.

Updated again:

REMAINERS:
(1) Non-existent, insignificant, effectively 0% of the population who should be silenced and have no effect on anything at all.
(2) A powerful elite fifth column of traitorous saboteurs in vast numbers, tainted by some form of foreign connection, who can kill Brexit fairies by sheer power of thought (See also: EXPERTS, POSH ELITES) and who are to blame for undesirable bad things happening that aren’t/weren’t happening but also are happening and are desirable despite being bad (See also: PROJECT FEAR).

UNKNOWNS: Factors which by having a degree of unpredictability (however small), allow Leavers to be confident that the best-case scenario will prevail, that precautionary measures are not required, and that supine acceptance is the only PATRIOTIC course of action - whilst simultaneously lambasting Remainers for being the ones having a CRYSTAL BALL (see above).

OPPORTUNITIES: Situations making it possible to do new things, apparently of such importance that any amount of devastation is FIIIIIIINEEE so long as some OPPORTUNITIES emerge from the smouldering crater; the protagonist naturally “knows” they will be on the gaining side and that any who lose out are deserving of their ill-fortune. For example, for mammals to evolve into large new species after an asteroid has devastated Cretaceous life on the planet, for cockroaches to dominate a post-nuclear-Armageddon world, or for disaster capitalists to profit from a country’s political and economic chaos. (See also: SURVIVAL, BLITZSPIRIT) (Antonyms: PROJECT FEAR, SCAREMONGERING).

LOSS-MAKING: Any purchase of goods, even if they are things we don’t make but do want/need, and thus a bad shameful thing that should be eliminated (but only if we buy them from the EU). Simultaneously, if there are things we don’t make but do want/need, it becomes a huge positive sign of our global significance, to purchase goods from far-away places such as China and South Africa.

EXPERTS: Those who say that there is no chance whatsoever that the UK could end up in technical recession, but who, when they forecast negative effects from Hard Brexit (let alone No Deal ) are not to be believed and should be ignored.
Ref: Mr Javid told the BBC: "I am not expecting a recession at all. And in fact, don't take my word for it. There's not a single leading forecaster out there that is expecting a recession, the independent Bank of England is not expecting a recession. And that's because they know that the fundamentals remain strong."

TRUE BRITS (syn DIDDUMS): Defined primarily by blood-and-soil, and called into doubt by any taint of foreignness (see POSH ELITES). Simultaneously
(1) the finest, strongest, bravest, buccaneering, innovative, most respected and most resilient race of humanity ever created by the Almighty, able to overcome any conceivable adversity (e.g. tsunami, nuclear strike); whose Great Brexitannian Homeland will bestride the globe reaping trade deals and tribute from awestruck lesser nations (i.e. all of them), and leading all to glorious isolated sovereign atomisation.
(2) a helpless, oppressed, downtrodden and most piteous population for whom even the slightest unkind word or mere thought (e.g. being disagreed with on the Internet, see also: BELITTLING) is as injurious as being flayed alive in boiling oil; whose once-proud Brexitannian Homeland has been subjugated by nefarious collusions of jealous dictatorial nations (i.e. all of them) out to inflict unjust and insurmountable punishments.

Schrodiger's ELITES - simultaneously a. those who Leave vote was against ie Eton educated privileged class of people who accumulated wealth through ruthless pursuit of aggressive neoliberal fiscal policies which destroyed communities and b. Those who will make Leave vote happen ie. the same people

I think I'm going to need a definition for COMPROMISE.

COMPROMISE a noun

(1) Not a dirty word (Theresa May 2018)

(2) Used in context of UK's position on Brexit see BETRAYAL

(3) Used in context of EU's position on Brexit, political necessity

eat chicken washed in domestos

COLLABORATING: a dirty word, whereby non-TRUE-BRITS (see above) who are not PATRIOTIC (see above) engage in friendly dialogue or co-operation with any foreigners not on the approved list [assorted demagogues and fascists], thus thwarting the Willy Of The People (see also: BLOW-JOB).

FAULT: The EU, or REMAINERS/EXPERTS/POSH ELITES (see above), or insufficient BeLeaving, or Parliament, or Would-Have-Happened-Anyway, or COLLABORATING (see above), or Diesel. But definitely not the architects or ringleaders of Brexit, associated Brexiteers, or TRUE-BRITS (see above) or in fact anybody who actually voted for Brexit.

UNELECTED BUREAUCRATS (power in the hands of, etc...):

...not Dominic Cummings.

GNU: A Remainer unicorn (see also: UNIFIER).

Possibly my shortest ever definition