Feel apprehensive about getting signed off due to stress

[CharlieHotelAlphaAlphaLimaIndigo]

Good evening all

I’m going through a bit of a tough time and it’s impacting my work.

LSS - Single mum, DS 14 has ADHD & DD 5 little madam
working p/t 3 days doing referrals for NHS. Been there 3 years
My mum got scammed and January of 24k. It’s made her very depressed and forgetful. Also she has been gaslit by her partner. She is relying heavily on me for everything. Too scared to drive or do life admin I’m having to do it all
also my DS medication gave him suicidal thoughts for a few days
DD has had gastroenteritis and other illnesses (coupled with her not sleeping and crying for anything)
Ive then had insomnia due to all of this
my brother doesn’t help and my kids father is no help.
im making stupid mistakes at work ( not life or death) but they are adding up and sometimes I don’t even recognise why I would fuck up like this. Im constantly apologising for messing up or anxious about what email is going to contain something I have or haven’t done. I’ve tried slowing down and double checking but somehow I’m always doing something wrong.
I’m now having to have capability meetings with HR and line manager said my job could be on the line.
Im hesitant to get signed off with stress because I feel it will impact the team but my mess is impacting the team but my line manager said I could take unpaid leave for a few months. I don’t know what to do. I feel like such a failure

any advice would be welcome

Bless you this sounds awful!
as an nhs employee you should not be encouraged to take “unpaid leave” there is a sick pay policy to support people in this situation.
I think that the best thing you can do is get 4 weeks off in the first instance and then see how you go.
sending hugs.

If you’ve been offered unpaid leave, then I’d take it. You’re definitely not a failure! It sounds like you have a lot going on all at once.

Your job itself does not appear to be a source of stress - you don’t mention an unreasonable workload or bullying or anything like that - it’s more about what is going on for you outside of work that means that you aren’t coping with work.

If you went off sick, you’d probably be sitting at home feeling guilty for doing so. Going on unpaid leave means that you have nothing to feel guilty for. It would give you some time and space to sort things out.

In fact it’s great that your manager has offered. It means that she recognises that things are tough for you right now but does want to keep you long-term. If that wasn’t the case, she’d just carry on with a capability process.

Why not take the unpaid leave if offered it? Is it purely financial? I don’t no much about NHS sick pay.

@ToKittyornottoKitty i guess it would depend on how long I take off. It would impact my finances for sure. UC may top me up but not enough to cover my outgoings and then I’ll be stressed about that

If you can get sick pay, then take that. I definitely wouldn’t take unpaid leave if sick pay is available.

How old are you? Is there any chance this could be menopause? You talk of anxiety, brain fog and insomnia, these could all be related and if so HRT might help.

My mother recently went through a very stressful couple of years and thought all of her symptoms were that of stress, until the stressful period passed and all the symptoms were still there. HRT fixed things basically overnight and she was sleeping better and had more energy right away.

This. If paid sick leave is available and I was going through what you were going through, OP, I wouldn’t DREAM of taking unpaid leave.

Take (paid) sick leave, ASAP. Best of luck.

Take paid sick leave op. A break from one thing can make all the difference. I had a breakdown last year and took 6 weeks off work. Definitely helped.

Another one to say take sick pay. Also use the Employee Assistance line as it’s confidential and helpful ime.
you are no use to anyone until you’ve had time to restock your batteries and the nhs handbook is clear around dealing with stress. Don’t feel guilt but use the time to sort strategies to deal with your mum, kids, etc. good luck OP 🌻

Have you spoken with your trade union rep? They should be able to help you with this.

@DoAWheelie good morning. I’m 45. I’ve spoken to the GP a few months back about being peri-menopausal and they dismissed me because I still have my periods. I’m due to have a blood test soon so maybe that might show something.

@Coralsunset Hi. I actually don’t have a union rep. I never signed up to the union (stupidly)
I will be doing that today for sure

Go to a different gp and tell them brain fog is impacting your job. They should prescribe on symptoms not bloods as they are useless indicators in peri.

Also who in the hell is your manager? We have very good sickness policy in the nhs and you should not be encouraged to take unpaid leave, for many reasons. Unless you’re already on a trigger point and you’ve had excessive sick leave already that would put your job at risk, you should get signed off by the gp and go off sick. Have you used all your parental leave? You should have 4 weeks paid parental leave for your youngest have you used that?

Actually annoyed at the stupid gp telling you you can’t have hrt cause you have periods. You can have symptoms and need hrt ten years before bleeding stops!

I'm 56, been on hrt for 3 years, still have periods...
Change your GP.
Take paid sick leave. You're under enormous pressure and need some respite.
Sending hugs.

Good morning @summitfever

Unfortunately I am on the sickness policy. I’ve had a spate of chest infections over the year which took my sickness to the limit. Apparently that’s due to reset in August. Then I had an infected bite on my neck so that bumped it up again. I think this is why I’m worried to be off again. Parental leave has been sucked up by my daughter and her illnesses (her attendance has gone down to 86% because of it)
I will speak to another GP though

You can absolutely have hrt! Make a list of your symptoms, be ready to say ‘oh really? I think clinical guidelines say you can still have many peri symptoms with periods, isn’t that true? I’d really like to try evorel sequi/mirena and estrogen gel or spray/whatever’ and go from that.

also there are halfway houses! If the thought of four weeks off is in itself stressful, take two!

also, you’re entitled to 4 weeks per child per year of statutory unpaid parental leave up to a max of 36 weeks for two kids in total before they’re 18 - you may know this but in case not. Employers don’t highlight this I find!

Manager here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being signed off with stress. However, when I conduct return to work meetings I always highlight that whilst a bit of time off helps in the present, what are you doing proactively to aid your wellbeing? It’s a bit like putting a plaster over a broken pipe. Are you looking after yourself? Are you actively seeking some form of coping mechanism? Are you helping yourself? If not, this feeling won’t pass, the leave of absence isn’t going to fix the root cause of your issues, it’s not going to fix your performance and it’s not going to stop you from taking more sick leave.

I would take this time off to sort some things and when you return, you can show your manager what you’re proactively doing to improve your absence and performance. You can ask for support in the workplace with your performance. As long as you’re saying ‘I’m working on this, I’ve put these things in place’, then the employer will be much more understanding.

@Besidemyselfwithworry thank you for your kind words. Getting signed off seems the best option

@TY78910 Thank you for giving a managers perspective. My hope whilst being off would be to rest but I can imagine I’d just berate myself for not being able to handle everything. I worry that mum won’t get better and I would end up at her beck and call because I’m literally a minutes drive and then she’d call me because her OVO app isn’t making sense or something else trivial. Me and my godmother are working on getting her back to being independent but it’s so hard. I’m getting frustrated with her and I know it’s not her fault but it’s really grating on me. What if it’s still the same after being off for 4 weeks? Sorry just typing my thoughts

I understand this is difficult. Is there anyone else you can ask for help? Any siblings / cousins? Is there anyone else support you can get from your local authority? Are you looking at counselling? Are you spreading your annual leave well (a few days every few weeks) or are you saving it all for school holidays so you’re not actually having any breaks to reset?

Reading your update above about you running out of company sick is also concerning from an employers POV. Additional absence such as dependent leave will also be looked at (even though you can’t be disciplined on dependent leave alone) they can look at the proportion of hours you’re off work versus when you’re in and if that is high, they can trigger a review.

I can’t possibly tell you how you’re going to feel after 4 weeks off, but it’s clear your situation isn’t likely to change so you really need to invest in a longterm plan to look after yourself. Does your employer offer any kind of mental health support? Counselling sessions etc? It may need to be something you look at funding yourself.

Taking more time off sick isn't going to change anything for you except have you sitting at home worrying about what you're going by to - capability process and disciplinary for more sickness?

You need to find an actual way to make work sustainable - you need to talk to your manager. What would actually help? Reducing your hours, adjustments to your hours, can your workload be temporarily reduced?

Is there anyway to make your home life less stressful?

Could you try counselling to build resilience? I don't mean this is your fault btw but you've had a lot of trauma

From the information you've given here, it's sounds like going off sick may well be the final nail in the coffin, especially since nothing will change when you return

My council employer refused to send me to occ therapy over peri menopause so I had to get new job in another public heath sector. (Council to nhs) have been brilliant.

How much time have you had off?

@ChavsAreReal cant say for sure but I had 4 chest infections last year each having me off for about 3 weeks with antibiotics then I had a nasty insect bite in my neck which got infected again off with antibiotics. There may have been odd days off for stomach upsets etc but yeah it’s not good. Hence me being worried to get signed off