How am I ever supposed to be able to work full time…

[skirtingaroundit]

So I’ve been part time since the kids were around. Youngest is 3. Applied for a full time role in the current sector I work in, got an interview. However I’m seriously starting to doubt the whole thing due to my youngest child having been ill on & off for 2 weeks. I have health anxiety due to their beginnings in the world & whenever they’re ill with high temps, sickness, lethargy etc I have to be with them. This works well in my current part time role, I text my boss & say I won’t be in, she’s very understanding, I take the time off unpaid. I did only think the other day how it had been months that I hadn’t had to take time off to be with a sick child but last week he was sick & last night he was sick again but with other symptoms which lead to a hospital trip so I’m off today to look after him. I really want this job but I feel fucking frazzled when this happens (there’s other issues going on with other child also) & I don’t feel I have the actual brain capacity sometimes to learn anything new. The juggle struggle is real. I’m tempted to be honest in the interview & just say ‘I do have two young children & as much as I would love this role, just to set your expectations, I may need to be off from time to time if my children are poorly’, or is that just shooting myself in the foot?

Is dad around? If you're both full time he's going to have to do 50/50 on sick days too...

You have the same feelings as every other parent, I'm afraid. You either learn to deal with it or stay as part time. Part time work is fine, by the way as long as you can afford it without needing state help. We all have the same feelings about our children and have to hope our employer will be understanding. If you have genuine health anxiety, perhaps some therapy might be useful to help you with it?

You could wait and see if you get offered the job first.

In the nicest possible way, I don’t think think the situation you describe is compatible with full time work. It’s not really compatible with part-time work. You’re lucky that your current employer lets you chop & change your hours, and that you can afford to take the time unpaid. Most working parents don’t have that luxury. I wouldn’t mention it at interview, it makes you seem unreliable, which, to be honest, you sort of are.

Yeah you can’t say that or expect to text your boss and say you’re not coming in.

working full time with children is partly about making everyone feel they are the priority, regardless of your actual priorities.

@CrumpetringAbsolutely, it’s more just my little brain likes to overthink every situation so I think ahead a lot. It’s more of a guilt thing, going in there knowing I have young kids who are ill sometimes & I’m usually the one left looking after them when they are & how I can combat that without compromising or pissing my employer off, & wondering if it’s best to mention it from the start. I’m sure this isn’t their first rodeo employing a parent of young children of course.

@YamyamabroadMine stems from one having suffered a brain injury at birth & the other having had meningitis at 4 days old & nearly dying. So every time they are ill I’m hyper vigilant. Of course I try to be logical but my brain likes to try to tackle that. Thank you, I’ve had lots of therapy. I would like more money, hence applying for the full time role. I currently do 4 days a week, this is 5. I just feel guilty already that I’m either letting my employer down or my kids down.

You could still have that conversation from the position of everyone knowing that they think you’re the best person for the role.

You might decide it doesn’t fit, which would be fair enough.

Pretty normal, not being mean or anything, I'm just surprised you got more than 1 kid to realise this. Teens need you more than anything just to be there, also. Part-time is ideal.

You are legally allowed dependants leave

I have health anxiety due to their beginnings in the world & whenever they’re ill with high temps, sickness, lethargy etc I have to be with them.

What are you doing to tackle this?

If you cannot sort this out (and I appreciate you may not be able to) then how is anything ever going to change?

But the situation she describes is similar to most working parents? What do ‘most working parents’ do?

I think working part time is better for you and your family.

I don’t think most working people are able to be with their children for all high temps/sickness/lethargy. OP also made it sound like they had to be the carer rather that another parent. Lots of us come from a “go to school and see how you go” approach (obviously not if there is active vomiting or a raging temp, but I’m not keeping my child off school if they feel lethargic or a bit under the weather). I can take an emergency leave day if I need to, but I expect my child’s other parent to do the same, to share the load. We are also fortunate are to have a grandparent nearby who can do the odd half day if needed. My child is in reception but has been in nursery since she was 1. I’ve had to take 1.5days for sickness in that time, her other parent has had a day and grandma has done a day. That doesn’t seem unusual amongst my peers and colleagues but it seems like OP needs more than the average.

@WooWooWinnieI think if in almost 4 years of childcare your child has only had 3 sick days you should count yourself lucky. For a start I have 2 kids & no family help at all. In the last two years my youngest has had hand foot & mouth, chicken pox, several sick bugs & more coughs & colds than I could count. I’m a clean freak so they always wash their hands when they get in. I don’t begrudge anyone for their individual circumstances but saying things like ‘it seems the OP needs more than average’ is a little blind.

What does their dad do?

You need to learn how to deal with this like every other parent does I’m afraid. Time to toughen up a bit.

Everywhere I've worked would expect dad to take a fair share of sick days, unless he was particularly absent (mine live 150 miles away and sees the kids at most 6 times a year). OP has not mentioned if dad is present and how much of the sick cover he provides....

@GimmieABreakOr3Was both myself & my critically ill children being in ICU not tough enough for you hun? Thanks for the input.

There is no need to try and guilt trip her. You know that’s not relevant to today.

I personally wouldn’t mention kids during an interview. I think you need to be getting support for your anxiety. The way it works is you share it with your partner. We actually keep track on a list to make sure we both take equal time off. Luckily our nursery is very accommodating to take them with low level illness; thank god - 99% of the time my daughter is absolutely fine once shes at nursery

My dd had a difficult entry into the world and my ds was seriously unwell as a baby. I completely understand the desperate and violent need to be with them when they're ill and the health anxiety which develops/worsens after these events.

I didn't do it until mine were a little older than yours but I eventually realised that to work full time, I had to learn to sit with the discomfort of other people taking care of them. DH - and my parents at times - stepped up and it was agony at first to be at work and panic that somebody was going to miss something. But over time, I learned a valuable lesson. And my children learned the same valuable lesson. I have other commitments and they are absolutely fine. Nobody needs to hover and panic.

Mine are much older now and the worry never really goes away. But when my eldest - away at university - has flu and I can't be there to care for her, it's a manageable worry rather than me having lived a half life full of anxiety and it continuing to the present day.

I think the only way to do it, is to do it.

If I've misread and you genuinely have nobody to step in e.g. the children's other parent, then that's different. But letting other people love your dc and take the pressure off you, is ultimately a good thing.

Most other families share the load of sick days more. But OP and their DC have had a difficult first few years by the sounds of things so she doesn't want to, I think this is pretty understandable. It's hard to leave ill DC when you're worried about them.

@skirtingaroundit Only you know how hard it's going to be. Personally I couldn't work at all when my kids were small so I'm not judging😅

I totally understand your dilemma OP. I was in a similar position myself a few months ago. I almost took the full-time role, but then I realised that I was going to be miserable juggling everything, so I stayed in my part-time role and am very happy with my decision.

Also - you don’t need to “toughen up”. We are biologically wired to want to look after our DC when they are ill, so I don’t think it’s health anxiety to want to do so! (Although I am not denying you also have healthy anxiety).

Good luck with whatever you decide. There are pros and cons to each decision.