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Original poster

First day back on Tuesday and I can't stop crying

50 replies

incanada · 18/06/2007 07:11

It's 2am here and I can't sleep - full of anxiety re leaving ds and going back to work on Tuesday. Monday is his 1st birthday. I feel so guilty!

Sitting crying as I write this. HAve been bursting into tears all week, every time I think about it

OP posts:

usandnosleep · 18/06/2007 07:25

Big {{{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}}}} you poor thing. I'm sure everything will be fine, concentrate on his birthday for now don't let your worries spoil that.

Who is taking care of him nursery? nanny?

amidaiwish · 18/06/2007 08:00

it is always worse before you go back than when you actually do
expect tuesday to be hard (for you more than him!), no one will expect much of you at work at first. Just try and enjoy a bit of peace, being able to have a chat/coffee/lunch with both ears and eyes if you know what i mean!

let us know how you get on.

slayerette · 18/06/2007 08:02

I remember the first time we left ds at a taster session for nursery, we went to sainsburys and felt as if we'd lost something. I was continually looking to see where I'd left the pushchair! On my first day back at work I felt so strange but needless to say, ds had a great time at nursery. Just don't punish yourself!

beansprout · 18/06/2007 08:06

Oh I really feel for you, I remember how hard it felt. I just felt guilty, leaving ds with someone who hardly knew him, while I toddled off to my desk. I couldn't make it ok in my mind but, it was ok. He's fine and so am I.

I remind myself that for centuries, kids have been raised by lots of people. It is quite unusual for children to only ever have their parents as their caregivers. Most kids have extended families, neighbours etc. A CM or a nursery is a modern day version of that.

It will be an adjustment at first but you will adapt. I hope it is as painless as possible for you. Let us know how you get on.

saggers · 18/06/2007 08:20

You poor thing. When I went back DD1 was 6 months, and although I was only going back part-time, I felt really depressed for thee month before I went back - so much so that my doctor thought I has PND and prescribed anti-depressants. As it was, when I actually went back, it wasn't as bad as I'd imagined (and I didn't need the tablets!) Try not to let it spoil your enjoyment of your little boy's birthday. The first couple of days will feel strange, and you'll probably feel quite bereft, but I'm sure you (and he)'ll be ok, and it'll get better.
Good luck. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Let's know how you get on.

Original poster

incanada · 18/06/2007 13:20

Thanks everyone, just read through your messages and am crying again. Ds was all set to go to nursery - had been to visit etc and seemed to like it. Then I call LAST TUESDAY about coming in again for 1/2 day and am told that there's a problem.

Mum who was going on mat leave was to take 2 dc out of nursery thus leaving 2 openings and she decided at last minute not to! So with 1 week left of mat leave had to scramble
to find care.

Have no family here - closest is 5 hrs away. Have neighbour who will look after him in short term - not ideal but at least she has granddaughter 2.5 yrs most days for company.

OP posts:

Original poster

incanada · 18/06/2007 13:21

DS just walked by singing to himself and hugging his teddy, which means he wants a hug from mummy. Too cute. How can I leave that?

OP posts:

anniemac · 18/06/2007 13:23

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Original poster

incanada · 18/06/2007 13:45

Thanks anniemac. I know I'm not the first mum to go back to work & leave dc in care of someone else - just doesn't feel right iykwim. Feels like casting him out into the world to fend for himself.

Not logical but then neither am I at moment.

Mummy's always been there before.

OP posts:

anniemac · 18/06/2007 13:51

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Original poster

incanada · 18/06/2007 14:32

will be f/t. will need to leave him at cm 7am and hope to be home by 530pm. i guess it's just dinner, bath & bed each night and look forward to the weekend.

sorry to keep moaning & whining, just having some problems with this.

best sign off - want to take ds out to singalong at library.

OP posts:

anniemac · 18/06/2007 14:37

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Original poster

incanada · 18/06/2007 17:40

alteration in hours is something i'm looking at but need to wait til am back at work. cannot do 9 day fortnight in current position - need to be there 5 days/wk.

may be able to flex hours work 7-3 but not sure how that will work with caregivers - may be too early. poss alternative to switch over to another position & work 12 hr night shift 3 days/wk - would maintain f/t status, benefits, pension etc & would only need care 3 days not 5.

All things to look at once back at work.

OP posts:

Original poster

incanada · 18/06/2007 17:42

of course, ideally i'd like to stay home with ds, maybe work part time til he goes to school. not possible at moment - boo-hoo.

OP posts:

chocolatekimmy · 18/06/2007 21:23

Are you stressed or depressed? You sound VERY tearful. If so, get along to the GP.

Going back won't be as hard as you think. You will soon adjust and babys are very resiliant. He will have a good time with the cm no doubt, you are likely to feel worse about the whole thing.

if its not working after a few weeks back, look to see if you have any other options.

Try to be as organised as possible too so you have quality time in after work until bedtime. You don't want to be spending much time cooking/tidying up etc whilst he is still up.

anniemac · 18/06/2007 21:35

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Original poster

incanada · 19/06/2007 04:16

thanks for the support. had a lovely evening with ds eating birthday cake & playing with his new toys. have bag ready to take to cm in am. fingers crossed i can get some sleep and get through tomorrow.

OP posts:

usandnosleep · 19/06/2007 07:27

Thinking of you today, shoulders back, deep breath and smile.

It really will be fine x

Judy1234 · 19/06/2007 08:11

Ditch the guilt. It's been imposed on you by society. You should feel no more guilty than any father going to work tomorrow whose children are being well cared for in his absence.

Look at my 22, 20 and 18 year olds who are all home for univesrity holidays now. Do you think they sit there and say - why did you do it mummy, abandoning us when we were babies to work full time? Of course not - instead they were excited about the holiday we were booking last night which I'm not sure could have been possible unless I'd returned to work 22 years ago.

Just get through each day and gradually it will be better.

I could list lots of reasons why children benefit from mothers working but no time.

Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 08:27

Xenia - don't make this poor mother feel worse than she already does by denying her feelings. That is not a psychologically healthy approach at all.

Maternal guilt at leaving children in childcare is not "imposed by society". The maternal instinct to care for one's own child is hormonal/biological. It seems to me, when I look around, that mothers vary hugely in the degree of their maternal instinct (and some have none at all), but it is very real. Mothers (and babies) vary in their readiness to separate, and a one year old is still very little.

Hugs to the OP.

moondog · 19/06/2007 08:31

It will get better.
It's ok to be sad.

Judy1234 · 19/06/2007 10:53

But you're the oppoosite end of the spectrum from me Anna on mothers leaving babies. I of course am right but that's a different issue. the guilt is unnecessary. You make good arrangements and you work. It serves no purpose.

Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 11:06

No, Xenia, I'm not the opposite end of the spectrum - stop pigeonholing me for your own convenience and trying to polarise the debate.

You are actually grossly insensitive to this poor mother. And if anyone has been conditioned by society/family/culture, it is you, since you seem to think that there is only one possible position.

You are NOT right. And stop bullying poor mothers like this one.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 19/06/2007 11:20

Nicely said, Anna.

Xenia, I find some of your comments so disgracefully inflammatory, I am almost lost for words. It is OK to miss your children - please don't make this a feminism debate, it is simply a human one. My DH feels guilty at his working hours, and the fact his children don't run into his arms when he comes home because he is absent so often they don't connect with him as he would like them to. Society may be responsible for conditioning women to feel guilty when they need not, but sometimes we just feel sad at having to make choices we would rather not have to make. This poor woman is in turmoil at having to leave her baby, and I am sure if she were a man who had spent the past year nurturing a helpless infant she would feel no less so.

Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 11:30

The very sad thing is that woman who have a natural maternal instinct to care for their own children have to expend energy fighting off bullies who want to deny them their feelings.

I wonder why you like bullying others so much Xenia? Do you have any self-insights on this?

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