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Original poster

First day back on Tuesday and I can't stop crying

50 replies

incanada · 18/06/2007 07:11

It's 2am here and I can't sleep - full of anxiety re leaving ds and going back to work on Tuesday. Monday is his 1st birthday. I feel so guilty!

Sitting crying as I write this. HAve been bursting into tears all week, every time I think about it

OP posts:

smallwhitecat · 19/06/2007 11:43

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mumblechum · 19/06/2007 11:55

Hope your first day goes ok,incanada, and don't worry, it does get better.

Glad you and your little one had a nice 1st birthday.

aosobase · 19/06/2007 12:18

I just went back to work last monday, and I wanted to crawl up and die! the office is soooo depressing and none of my applications work, I've forgotten all my passwords and even how to do basic stuff (I also miss This Morning with Fern and Phil!).

But guess what? I promise you it almost seemed worth it to see the HUGE smile on my 6 month old daughters face when I got home every evening last week, she hugged me so tight around the neck I almost passed out... So no matter how bad things seem out here I take comfort in the welcome I know I will get when I get home tonight!

cleaninglady · 19/06/2007 12:29

Incanada - good luck for first day back - i remember it well and i only went back part time - have since finished all together which i was lucky to be able to. It is a mothers natural instincts to want to look after and care for their own child but thats not always possible and fwiw your ds is lucky to have had you at home for his first year - some babies dont get that

chipkid · 19/06/2007 12:31

I remember feeling this way when leaving dd to return to work. She was 14 months and so a similar age.

I like you cried quite a lot over the first week. But it got better very quickly once everyone got used to the new regime!

I am wishing you lots of luck. (Just think of those uninterrupted cups of coffee!)

Judy1234 · 19/06/2007 13:01

I don't agree. The solution is to ditch the guilt. My advice will make her happy with her wise choice. She is doing very well. Why is it bullying to tell her she has done the right thing to go back to work?

We are talking about a mental thing. She was crying which is awful but she knows it's right to return to work today and will have made good provision for her child so there really is no need to feel guilt. There ar a lot of emotions men and women feel and yes feel guilt if you've slit someone's throat or stolen money but don't feel guilty for doing something that isn't wrong. That's the key point. So all you need is a change of mind set and all is well. One year olds are sociable and gorgeous and many thrive away from either parent.

Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 13:11

Xenia - you are invalidating the feelings she expressed in her post. That is bullying behaviour.

You advocate the OP trying to brainwash herself into feeling differently. That, if it succeeds, can lead to repression, which is very dangerous.

Do you realise just how cruel you are? I don't think you can, but you ought to think about it.

preggerspoppet · 19/06/2007 13:19

fully agree with anna8888

incanada, I hope things ease up for you but you must not deny how you really feel, as xenia suggests. The fact that you feel guilty and miss you lo shows that you are a wonderful mum who really cares about them.
It would be very strange to not feel guilty and cry about leaving them for so long. [hugs]

amidaiwish · 19/06/2007 13:31

i think you're all being a bit harsh on xenia here. all she is saying is don't feel "guilty" as she's not doing something wrong and the child WILL be ok!

that's not to say she isn't allowed to feel torn, sad, miss her little one etc... but she has no need to feel GUILTY.

but let's not turn this thread into another about whether it is right or wrong to stay at home. incanada came on here for support as she if feeling guilty and sad. she doesn't have a choice but to return to work so i actually think xenia's advice is quite helpful.

preggerspoppet · 19/06/2007 13:45

I've always understood 'guilt' to be a sort of failsafe emotion to help us question ourselves as to whether we have done the 'right' thing or not.

when it comes to our children, we mothers feel an incredible sense of guilt, throughout their lives. I think it is important (even though life might seem easier for us without it)

Judy1234 · 19/06/2007 15:44

I didn't say she didn't feel guilt - that would be invalidating the feeling surely? I said get rid of it. It's a bit like when someone always looks on the black side saying okay let's try to turn those negative thoughts aroud in your head. That doesn't mean you're standing there laughing at them because they're depressed because it's raining but that you're trying to help them.

Judy1234 · 19/06/2007 15:46

pp, no - if you've done nothing wrong the guilt is a silly thing to have. It's like feeling guilty because your husband had hit you.

By all means feel guilty if you're shouting at your children too much or you've left them with an abusive child minder or you haven't got your work done on time - real wrong but never ever feel guilty for something where you haven't done something wrong.

moondog · 19/06/2007 16:05

Gawd,change the record Xenia.

cleaninglady · 19/06/2007 16:47

golly - i felt guilty from the moment i realised i was pregnant!! that night out with a few drinks i had before i realised i was pregnant, that mr whippy ice cream (again whilst pregnant) , sending my dd to nursery , deciding to have ds and therefore ruining dd's life etc etc etc - i thought guilt came with motherhood fwiw i think incanada may feel like sending her ds to nursery is wrong and therefore thats why she feels guilty..... it doesnt mean it is but she cant help feeling like that

preggerspoppet · 19/06/2007 20:14

xenia who's to say you havn't done the wrong thing?

only the op knows if it is right or wrong, not you or I.

beansprout · 19/06/2007 20:29

incanada - how are you today? How did it go?

Ignore Xenia, btw, she's a bit mad and thinks full time work and being away from your kids is fan-bloody-tastic, when, for a lot of people, it just isn't.

saggers · 19/06/2007 21:23

How did it go today incanada? Glad you had a nice day yesterday, Hope today was bearable.

Judy1234 · 19/06/2007 22:40

I am saying she's done the right thing so I don't see why there's any hostility to my position. If you lot want to plough through your lives with guilt around your necks like lead weights go ahead but what's the point? Or is there a sort of schadenfreude in always feeling bad? Do you get hooked on it?

mozhe · 19/06/2007 22:52

You feel guilty but it will pass....treat yourself gently and well, and be proud of yourself....you are doing the best possible thing by working fulltime..for your DC, yourself and for the rest of society.

Original poster

incanada · 21/06/2007 03:44

thanks, everybody, for your input & support - didn't know it would spark such a hot debate

OP posts:

Original poster

incanada · 21/06/2007 03:50

got through my first 2 days back - first day i dropped ds at cm full of smiles and reassuring words then of course proceeded to bawl as soon as I was out the door - was a very difficult and tearful day.

by all accounts ds did fairly well but did not want to nap or drink his milk - on my arrival at the end of the day he gave me a rather tentative smile then got quite teary as he ran up to me to be picked up - then wouldn't let go. hard for both of us i guess

OP posts:

Original poster

incanada · 21/06/2007 03:57

second day back today and was expecting tears when i dropped ds off at cm as he now knows i'm leaving him there but no problems - tearful greeting again when i arrived.

was out of sorts for several hours and not himself but was okay by bedtime - hoping tomorrow is better

still feel rotten about leaving him

also hate to miss out on all the little things as he goes about his day

OP posts:

mumblechum · 21/06/2007 14:30

It can be awfully hard, but give it a week or two till he's in a routine and see if he seems happier.

It's probably harder on you than him...

anniemac · 21/06/2007 15:01

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EmilyBronte · 21/06/2007 19:39

Incanada - my dd has been in nursery three days a week for two weeks now. The lead-up to it was horribly horribly stressful and I felt utterly shit, can relate to loads of what you said. But now when I go to pick her up she looks really happy and is always doing something lovely, and I feel LOADS better. Your LO will be ok, just give him a little time.

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