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Original poster

My best friends wedding.

48 replies

Theocdmummy · 10/07/2019 12:03

My OH and I are in the most awkward of situations.

I am due a scheduled C section 3 weeks prior to our best friends wedding. Now, their wedding is no kids and they have made that clear and they are quite the 'anti kids' type. Not a insult it's their day and should be exactly how they want it.

Having said that, I'm not wanting to leave the baby when she will be that 'new' So I've suggested my OH goes whilst I stay at home but he's not sure he wants to 'leave me' with both our kids (new born and toddler) when I will very likely be very tender and saw from recovery plus general new born exhaustion.. in fairness I don't really want to be alone either knowing how bad recovery was first time and unfortunately we can't lean on family as typically both sets of grandparents are on holiday..

Now I don't really know what to do? Wedding isn't close and would realistically require a night in a hotel closer.

I don't want to upset our friends obviously and I completely respect their choice to make their day exactly how they want it..but not sure how to approach the subject and keep the peace..

OP posts:
tisonlymeagain · 10/07/2019 12:06

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I wouldn't want to leave my baby with anyone either after three weeks.

In your shoes, I would book into a hotel closer, either you or OH goes to the ceremony while one looks after the kids or maybe you could take it in turns. If you were at a hotel very close OH could come back to give you some respite.

user1474894224 · 10/07/2019 12:12

If it's your best friend she will already know how you really feel. Just tell her you are nervous of being left with the new baby and the other child, and you don't want to mess her around so you will have to decline the invite. But would they like to arrange to come to yours for a nice celebration meal in a few months....

HypatiaCade · 10/07/2019 12:15

Nope, don't go. Just tell your friend that you will have a 3 week old, be recovering from a C section and will need your DH around. You need to prioritise yourself and your DC, and so does your DH.

zippey · 10/07/2019 12:18

I think you need to speak to your friend. Tell her it looks like you won’t be able to make it because of her policy. If she wants you to come she will make you an exception to the rule.

Ohyesiam · 10/07/2019 12:19

I really get you op.
I think your friend has to suck it up.

Write her a lovely letter telling her how much her friendship means, how much you’d love to go, but that it’s out of your hands due to timing.

I’d never expect a 3 week old baby to be left for a night.
If they don’t understand now, they will when they have kids!

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2019 12:21

Oh god, not a chance either of us would have gone to a wedding at that point. You don’t know how you’ll be feeling, you’ll have to squeeze yourself into something fancy, it’s a long way away, you’ll miss your home comforts and everything you need for your new baby, of course you don’t want to leave a baby that young, you don’t have anyone to ask anyway.

Decline the invitation, send a card and gift.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2019 12:24

not sure how to approach the subject and keep the peace..

OP, if your friend kicks off about you not going to her wedding 3 weeks after a big operation, never mind juggling a newborn and another child, she’s totally in the wrong and if it damages your friendship that’s on her.

LittleAndOften · 10/07/2019 12:28

A c-section is major surgery. You may not be that mobile. I would raise it with your friend but along the lines of how worried/afraid you are rather than 'I can't come'. She will come to the same inevitable conclusion as you - it just won't be possible.

BlackCatSleeping · 10/07/2019 12:35

I honestly wouldn’t expect someone to attend my wedding three weeks after a C section.

Stay home with your husband. Your friend should understand. If she doesn’t, then that’s her being unkind not you.

Rachelover40 · 10/07/2019 13:01

tisonlymeagain Wed 10-Jul-19 12:06:59
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I wouldn't want to leave my baby with anyone either after three weeks.

In your shoes, I would book into a hotel closer, either you or OH goes to the ceremony while one looks after the kids or maybe you could take it in turns. If you were at a hotel very close OH could come back to give you some respite.

I agree with the above very sensible suggestions. Find a child friendly hotel near to the venue. It would be nice if you could show your face and I expect you would like to do that if possible.

BlackCatSleeping · 10/07/2019 13:24

But the wedding isn’t close. Would you really want to make a long car journey post-c section with a tiny baby? It sounds like my idea of hell.

ahumanfemale · 10/07/2019 13:34

If you had other major surgery they'd be rolling out the red carpet for you to be there and doing everything to help, IF they expected you to attempt it in the first place. C-sections are the only major surgery where you're expected to be back to normal 24 hours later.

Explain that you're not sure if you can come but desperately want to. Point out that you may still be bleeding quite heavily and sore as your muscles heal. You may need to actually be a bit graphic like that as most people hear "c-section" and think "she's making a fuss about nothing". I wouldn't even mention that your three week old baby will be needing you (and you her/him!).

But to be honest, I'd say I can't come. A toddler a c-section and a three week old baby? If it was in my own town or less than an hour away I'd attempt to go for an hour, but otherwise I'd give my apologies. You need to heal, not be fitting into uncomfortable clothes and travelling for a wedding.

ahumanfemale · 10/07/2019 13:35

And I say all that as someone who hasn't had a c-section.

PeppermintPatty10 · 10/07/2019 13:43

Definitely not, and lovely of your husband to see that he’ll be needed with you at home! Three weeks old is tiny. If I were the bride I would completely understand.

Nonnymum · 10/07/2019 13:56

I think you should just decline the invitation. If she is a very good friend she will understand of course you can't leave your new baby and you won't know how you will feel only 3 weeks after a section which is major surgery.

Hanab · 10/07/2019 14:00

Politely decline 🤷🏻‍♀️
Have a meet up after?

It is their choice not to have children attend & in your case it is a valid excuse not to attend especially after major surgery not forgetting your new born .. I know I did not want to be away from my babies..

If she is a good friend she will understand.. at least I hope she will

stucknoue · 10/07/2019 14:13

Politely refuse the invitation saying you will be 3 weeks postpartum so cannot leave your baby and you have no childcare for the elder dc due to summer hols. If she wants you to attend she can then bend the rules

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 10/07/2019 15:09

Sorry for the late reply, posted during my lunch break.

Thanks for the great advice everyone. My partner is going to have a talk and say whilst we'd love to come we can't leave the baby that way we give them the chance to say the baby can come without creating an awkward situation. And if they don't, then at least it's kind of their decision.. hopefully that avoids anything awkward.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 10/07/2019 15:23

Even if they say you can attend with the kids, I’d still leave it open if possible. Second babies can be harder because you’re dealing with another little one at the same time and it can get really stressful. Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves.

Loopytiles · 10/07/2019 15:29

In this situation I would decline and would be glad if DH declined too. Can’t be helped, your health is a higher priority. Your friends would be U to respond negatively.

Even if they did allow both your DC to attend I wouldn’t fancy it. weddings with a toddler DC plus tiny baby are not fun IME, and at this one there’d be no or v few other DC so you’d feel pressure to keep DC1 quiet etc.

I wouldn’t have been physically fit to attend a non-local wedding that soon after either of my C-section births, every person and recovery is different, SiL did loads after her sections.

LittleAndOften · 10/07/2019 16:10

OP please take into account your own health, not just the baby's. You are leaving yourself open to having to attend with two little ones when physically you are unlikely to be up to it.

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 10/07/2019 16:44

Thanks for the comments, and I'd not really considered my own recovery just that i didn't want to be home alone with both girls..

My first delivery wasn't a section but was very traumatic thus the scheduled one this time so I have no prior recovery experience where I could realistically say I'll be up to a wedding..

I feel bad because I don't want to make their day about us but also need to be realistic that I'm probably not going to go :(

I think it's just the guilt of wanting to please everyone but knowing I can't please anyone lol!!

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 10/07/2019 16:48

Can't say I would have been up for a trip to a wedding either with or without my baby after 3 weeks. I've had 3 sections and they do take time to get over.

Jamhandprints · 10/07/2019 16:49

No way, you need to decline that invite for you and DH. You could send her flowers and a special card sometime the week before the wedding ( arranged before the c section obviously).

Jamhandprints · 10/07/2019 16:51

And no, the suggestion of a "chin friendly hotel" is utterly ridiculous after a major operation, with a newborn! As if!

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