My best friends wedding.

[Theocdmummy]

My OH and I are in the most awkward of situations.

I am due a scheduled C section 3 weeks prior to our best friends wedding. Now, their wedding is no kids and they have made that clear and they are quite the 'anti kids' type. Not a insult it's their day and should be exactly how they want it.

Having said that, I'm not wanting to leave the baby when she will be that 'new' So I've suggested my OH goes whilst I stay at home but he's not sure he wants to 'leave me' with both our kids (new born and toddler) when I will very likely be very tender and saw from recovery plus general new born exhaustion.. in fairness I don't really want to be alone either knowing how bad recovery was first time and unfortunately we can't lean on family as typically both sets of grandparents are on holiday..

Now I don't really know what to do? Wedding isn't close and would realistically require a night in a hotel closer.

I don't want to upset our friends obviously and I completely respect their choice to make their day exactly how they want it..but not sure how to approach the subject and keep the peace..

*child!

I went to an event after a c section with DD who was oney a few weeks. It was an important event for my friend. Importantly however, she had zero expectations of me and there was no need for me to be on time/stay late etc. If you can face it, I'd go stay in a hotel close by and send DH. If possible, swap for an hour or so so that you can greet the bride and groom. If not, no biggie.

But if you can't face it, then no, neither of you should go. Two children and c section recovery so soon afterwards means you can't really be without any help for 2 days.

As you have nobody to leave the toddler with, you were never going to be able to go to the wedding with your DH. The fact the you will have a newborn AND be recovering from major surgery just cements the impossibility of it all.
I would be very tempted to tell your friends you can't go.

_Blackcatsleeping:-
But the wedding isn’t close. Would you really want to make a long car journey post-c section with a tiny baby? It sounds like my idea of hell.

_Me: Good point. I'd forgotten about the long car journey. I don't like car journeys at the best of times but certainly wouldn't post operatively and with a little baby. To be honest I could hardly put one foot out of the front door for ages after having a baby and I didn't have a c-section.

Op, your friend will understand if you don't go, just explain it to her as you have to us.

If a hotel is in your budget, would paying a nanny/babysitter/mothers help to stay with you while your husband goes be an option?

I don't think you can realistically go. Not without someone to look after the toddler. Not with it involving travel 3 weeks after major surgery. Not with a newborn.

I also don't think your husband going and leaving you alone is a good idea. But if he does go, I'd want someone else at home to look after you and kids.

I would just let them know now that you won't be going, OP. You'll feel better about it once you have told them.

Oh, I also agree that if your friends are awful about you not attending (either of you) then it is 100% on them. They should be understanding and appreciate that it's not a reasonable expectation.

I don't see how you are *in the most awkward of situations."

You've been invited to something which, unfortunately isn't in any way practical for you to attend as you will be recovering from surgery whilst trying to look after a newborn (plus a two year old). It's not rocket science, you just send your reply as an 'apologies', with a lovely covering note saying what a shame the timing means you won't be able to come but you hope they have a lovely day and you are looking forward to seeing all the photographs afterwards.
How is that awkward ?

If people decide to have child free weddings then they have to accept the fact that some people can't make it.

Nothing to do with it being child free or not - I wouldn't expect anyone to attend a wedding just 3 weeks after a section whilst trying to juggle a new born and a two year old along with their post operative state.

Just say thanks but send apologies you are not able to attend.

I know several woman who have had sections and 3 weeks after them they were not able to do much. Your not able to drive for a while after having a section. It takes time to recover from a section. Along with this you dealing with a new baby of a few weeks old and a 2 year old.
I would just say to your friend I would have liked to attend your wedding but with having a section, a baby and the toddler I won't be able to go.
Say to her I will meet you once I am over my section and that your looking forward to seeing her photos. A good friend will understand that you can't attend the wedding but knows your happy for them.

It's not making the day about you. It is an invitation not a summons. Every wedding has some invitees who are unable to come and decline the invitation. That's just how it is. It's a shame but 3 weeks after a c section is a time when people often dont feel like going to a marathon social event and leaving their baby.

In response to the message asking how it's awkward.

It's awkward because I don't want to let anyone down. They are some of our closest friends and I don't want to cause any kind of upset. I am a people pleaser and value this friendship very much. I constantly worry about upsetting people thus the thread...

I will be, despite the circumstances very unhappy to miss their wedding as I very much love and care about them both.

It's awkward because I don't know how to best articulate that..

I'd say exactly what you just posted .
And if you would like to find away to contribute to their day without being there, could you arrange for the hotel to put a bottle of champagne in their room, or perhaps book a spa treatment at the hotel for them to share? It depends what they would like and what their plans are, but I'm sure you could come up with something.

I went to a wedding that was very close to home and that I really wanted to go to 6 weeks after a C-section.
I lasted through the ceremony (took my son outside when he was startled by the male Welsh voice choir ), lasted through the meal (he was asleep next to my chair) and then went home as I was absolutely knackered and not up for dancing (I also had a really really sore ingrowing toenail on both feet at the time)

I was really pleased to get home to my own house.
In your shoes I'd skip the wedding and stay at home.

Just reply saying you are really sad not to be able to go but you’ll be there in spirit & look forward to seeing the pictures. You don’t need to offer complicated reasons, the reason should be obvious to her, act like you assume she already realises you won’t be there (if she’s decent she would rather you were safely at home!) just a simple ‘it’s too soon after my c-section’ if she asks.

It's awkward because I don't want to let anyone down. They are some of our closest friends and I don't want to cause any kind of upset. I am a people pleaser and value this friendship very much. I constantly worry about upsetting people thus the thread...

But how is it letting anyone down ?
You aren't stringing anyone along. You haven't said you will go then changed your mind at the last minute. You have been invited, and it is just unfortunate that the timing means you aren't able to go. That isn't letting anyone down.
Why would it cause upset ? . If they are as close / good friends as you say, then obviously they will think "What a shame the timing is, as it is but we obviously don't want theocdmummy to be in pain or even uncomfortable and therefore realise she can't come". The will feel a little sad that you can't share an important day with them, but understand it is just what it is.

Hi backforgood.

I think your messages are quite condescending. It's fine that you don't understand why it's an issue but clearly it is to me or I'd not have posted looking for advice.

I feel I'm letting everyone down because I'm a people pleaser which I already mentioned, it's fine that you can't relate to that because it's not your post..

Perhaps if you have no advice to offer just keep scrolling. I came looking for advice about something i feel uncomfortable with, I didn't expect to feel critiqued for those feelings.

To everyone else that's helped and offered brilliant advice thank you so much. I really do appreciate it.

.

You came on to an internet forum to ask strangers what they thought you should do. Sometimes you might get people suggesting things you didn't really want to hear. That doesn't make them condescending. I am pointing out that your friend may well think just like me - they have sent you an invitation as obviously, under other circumstances they would want you to be there, but a good friend wouldn't want their friend to feel uncomfortable, or potentially unwell, just to be able to say they had attended the wedding.
Pointing out that is isn't "letting anyone down" ought to be helpful to you if you think (as you posted) that it is. Hearing that other people don't think it is ought to ease your dilemma.
So that is advice (and helpful, IMO, but, if it isn't to you, then don't take it - that's fine). You can't really ask a question then dictate who replies. If you want that, then ask your own personal friends in RL.

I'm not sure what you're getting out of being rude to a stranger on the internet. I don't understand the need to argue especially with someone I don't know.

Perhaps if you took the time to read my comments you'd see why I find the topic awkward. It's fine that you don't as I've already said. I'm not here to be judged I'm looking for advice. Sorry I'm not perfect like you clearly believe yourself to be.

I'm sorry for whatever happened that made you so judgmental in life. God bless

You really are reading my posts in a very odd way.
If you can pinpoint anywhere I have been rude or offensive or personally attacked you, then report to MNHQ and get the post deleted - I think you will struggle, as I haven't been rude, offensive, or attacked you in any way.

I have actually taken time out of my day to try to help you see that most people would not feel someone who can't come to their wedding is "letting them down". It was supposed to be reassuring, but clearly you seem to want to twist that, and that is up to you.

As I say - feel free to report anything you feel I've said that I shouldn't have to MNHQ. I've re-read my posts in case in haste I wrote soemthing that could be read more than one way but, nope, still can't see anything offensive there.

Op i would also feel the same as you,
Your friends will either tell you to bring baby or will accept that you can’t come, try not to feel bad ( hard i know!) nothing you can do about it!
If they do make a big deal about it, it’s on them!

I can't see anything condescending in what 'BackforGood' has said to you. Others have said the same.

You say you're a 'people pleaser', op. Perhaps it's time to stop being one! No one likes a person who is afraid to say, "No", to anything, they prefer someone who is straightforward.

Your friend will understand why you cannot attend her wedding.