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Original poster

Does this sound grabby?

27 replies

Alyosha · 03/04/2017 17:19

Fiance and I have been living together for ages, so don't really need anything extra for the house. We are having a lovely honeymoon which is paid for.

We want to convey in our invites the following things...

We really don't need any presents - we just want the guests to be there to celebrate with us
If they do want to get us something, we'd really appreciate a donation to our honeymoon, but again, no pressure.

We were thinking we could put things to do on our honeymoon that people could contribute to - i.e. a gondola ride/visit to pisa etc. etc. Is this super grabby? Should we leave that bit out?

Is there any way to stop this coming off as grabby?

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 05/04/2017 10:22

In principle no I think it's fine but maybe don't say contribution as that does sound like guests are paying for the honeymoon.

How about just saying something like 'We really don't expect Any gifts but a couple of Euro for our honeymoon would be lovely and very much appreciated if you did want to get us something.'

I don't think you need a whole list of stuff as they're not going to book it for you. And by asking for euros people feel less judged by the amount they give IYKWIM?

KoalaDownUnder · 05/04/2017 10:26

Is there any way to stop this coming off as grabby?

No.

Just don't mention gifts at all. Most people will give you cash anyway.

KoalaDownUnder · 05/04/2017 10:31

I actually hate the whole 'We really don't want gifts but if you really want to get us something, we'd love a $$ contribution to XYZ' schtick.

It's stating the obvious, and comes off as disingenuous. Everybody likes money. Everybody knows that everybody else likes money. If people want to give you money, they will.

GahBuggerit · 05/04/2017 10:34

there is no way to stop it coming off as grabby because it is grabby, sorry.

If you genuinely dont want anything and genuinely want the guests to just be there to celebrate then there is no need to mention money instead of gifts.

As Koala says you'll probably get money anyway.

GahBuggerit · 05/04/2017 10:37

I dont like them because I can take £20 and get a gift that looks like its cost way more. I would never just give £20 as a wedding gift as I'd be too embarrassed so when met with one of those dreadful (sorry OP) poems and such it makes my heart sink.

I always end up just giving a bottle of champers in those cases.

CJCreggsGoldfish · 05/04/2017 10:39

Mentioning money does sound grabby, sorry. We didn't include any reference to presents or money in our invites and were mostly given money, but received a few gifts too.

xStefx · 05/04/2017 10:40

I can see why you would prefer the money , me and dp don't really need anything for the house either.

However, it does come across as grabby :-(

But: When ive been asked in the past for cash rather than gifts even though it does sound a bit grabby, ive never held it against that person or thought any less of them.

Bitchycocktailwaitress · 05/04/2017 10:48

You can't put it on the invites. People will ask for your gift list/preferences and when they do, say you would love some honeymoon spending money. Don't do the 'experiences' nonsense, really not necessary.

FamilySpartan · 05/04/2017 11:10

I don't think it's grabby. Many of your friends will want to give you a gift, just as you would (probably) never dream of attending a wedding and not giving a gift. It's not any grabby than a gift list, and nobody sneers at gift lists.

Personally, I don't like the idea of asking for cash but why don't you try something like Patchwork Presents? We did this for our wedding with gifts ranging from £5-£75. We had a lot of feedback saying it was a lovely way of doing it and it allowed our friends to give us something that reflected their relationship with us.

FamilySpartan · 05/04/2017 11:16

I should add that we did the Patchwork Present for our honeymoon, so friends could get us things like a street food tour, a visit to a tourist attraction, beers on a rooftop bar, an overnight train to another city, etc. When time came to use the gifts we would send the friend a photo of us doing the activity and a thank you.

FerdinandsRevenge · 05/04/2017 11:20

For anything other than a wedding this grabby. For a wedding this is fine and becoming very popular. I'm going to buy a gift no matter what, I don't want to buy the bride and groom a tea service that they don't want.

This is a MN sin though.

I didn't ask for gifts so people just kept harassing me until I told them what to buy me.

You'll piss people off whatever

CMOTDibbler · 05/04/2017 11:27

If you don't want anything, you don't want anything. Asking for Euros is a pita for anyone who doesn't have them lying around, and unless you'd normally fund a friends actvities on holiday, don't ask people to do that.

So don't put anything in the invites, if people ask, say you don't want any presents. If people are really, really insistent, then say if they wanted to give you some money to use on honeymoon that would be amazing.

silkpyjamasallday · 05/04/2017 11:30

As pp said, it sounds grabby because it is. I really don't understand wedding gifts nowadays as people have usually lived with their partner for years and have everything they need. Don't ask for anything, if people want to give they will regardless. But paying for honeymoon activities is a bit weird imo, as is asking for money towards the honeymoon. You say you have already paid for it so why do you need more money for it? If you want to do activities save and pay for them yourself.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 05/04/2017 11:32

Like another poster said, it's very embarrasing for people who don't have much money.

I can't drop 100 quid on a wedding cheque and 50 is even too much.

My sad little twenty quid is too embarrassing.

TheWayYouLookTonight · 05/04/2017 12:01

We were thinking we could put things to do on our honeymoon that people could contribute to - i.e. a gondola ride/visit to pisa etc. etc. Is this super grabby? Should we leave that bit out?

There will always be people that say this is grabby, but it's a really normal thing to do these days. I've been to at least 5 weddings in the last couple of years where there was a list of honeymoon 'experiences' with various cash values. Personally it doesn't bother me. Just a) Don't use a crappy poem to ask for cash (got one of these recently in a wedding invite) - just be upfront and ask for it in plain english, and b) make sure you have things with a really wide range of price points on your list, including some £5-10 ones, especially if people are paying a lot for travel, hotel etc to attend your wedding.

Lilmisskittykat · 05/04/2017 12:10

I'd say if your not bothered don't put anything.

I got married abroad and already had my own home so I didn't ask for anything as I don't like the whole asking for money thing when you need nothing.

When people asked I was adamant we didn't want anything. I was really touched they had given their time and money to come abroad with us to celebrate. I certainly didn't want money too!

Just put nothing is what I'm trying to get at if you don't want anything. Some people still gave us money but it was certainly not because we had asked

Gaaaah · 05/04/2017 12:18

Oo mumsnet gets very upset about these things! However, I find it entirely normal these days. There is no gift list so you cant publish that with your invitations or tell everyone where you're having your gift registry or whatever because that just doesn't seem to be the done thing anymore. As many will recognise, couples live together much more now than they used to.

We did a list of things that people could contribute to as part of our honeymoon. None of the things were particularly extravagant, a bottle of champers, a massage, a day trip...people were only too happy to do it. Most people gave £20.

Then again the people giving gifts are your family and friends who care very much about you and your happiness. Not a load of strangers on the internet who get arsey about these things

RockyBird · 05/04/2017 12:21

Say no gifts. It will be a relief to some and others will get you a gift anyway.

MirandaWest · 05/04/2017 12:22

When we got married we didn't mention gifts. Some people asked and we suggested John Lewis vouchers. Other people gave us money, or other gifts.

We didn't get any toasters (people always seem to be concerned this is what will happen if you don't ask for something specific). I'd have felt awkward asking for anything but I know lots of people do so could well be I am the odd one

GeorgiePeachie · 05/04/2017 12:28

I wouldnt mention it. Have a pretty box if people bring cards and cash/cheques and maybe a nice table for gifts if you get any as a bonus. I tend to see a table/area with a guestbook and this kind of thing on it so it's up to people what they give.

KoalaDownUnder · 05/04/2017 12:29

Not a load of strangers on the internet who get arsey about these things grin

Well, you do know we're all someone's family and friends, right? We're not cyborgs.

And nobody's 'arsey'. Of course I do care about my family and friends' happiness. That doesn't translate to never thinking anything they do is rude.

mypoordoggie · 05/04/2017 12:36

FWIW I think gift lists are grabby as well unless there is a good range of cheaper options

But, again, I have always just given a bottle of fizz

Batteriesallgone · 05/04/2017 12:37

I am a MN anomaly on this.

Of course I'm going to get a gift / give money if I'm going to a wedding. I hate all this 'oh we don't need anything' modesty bollocks. Just say what you want and I'll buy it or get some cash out.

One of my friends said no presents and it pissed me off because she kept insisting and when I checked, she hadn't informed the venue there might be lots of cash gifts (because no list) and there were no precautions in place against theft. I asked her outright if she had a moral objection to me giving them money as a gift and finally got it out of her that she would quite like some money, actually...

Just say what you want and have a plan for how it's going to go otherwise you'll end up with picture frames and tat saying 'love', plus cash gifts floating about with no one keeping it secure.

SorrelSoup · 05/04/2017 12:42

Don't mention money or gifts at all. You will get given lots of money, it's what most guests give.

MimiSunshine · 05/04/2017 13:23

CMOTDibbler buying Euros is no more difficult than buying a present, you don't need to have them lying around and if you only ever shop online, well currency can be bought that way too.

I hate the whole don't tell anyone, if they want to buy something they will ask then you tell them crap. Has anyone ever attended a wedding and not taken a present?

Just put "if you were thinking of getting us a present, we'd really appreciate cash / euro" then when you're away buy a job lot of postcards and write a short thank you sharing our day and we really appreciate the money you gave us, we've visited Pisa and had a lovely time"

If you're really organised you could print addresses from not labels and take them with you. It'd take all of an evening to do and would be a nice touch

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