How to avoid raising a fat kid

[humba]

DP was a fat kid born to two parents obsessed with health. Everyone on both sides of his family are overweight other than his parents.

His parents were into sports but he wasn't so they shamed him alot to try and get him to exercise.

As a result he ended up with a bad relationship with food and his body. He would scoff any unhealthy snack he could get his hands on as soon as his parents were out of site. He has had a binge eating disorder as well chronic under eating. Before we met he was obese. He was a very good weight when we met. This year it has been a struggle to get him to eat even half the amount of calories he needs.

I grew up too skinny with great care for my health. I'm not sure why as it was never instilled in us and my siblings never cared. I was fed an awful sugary diet full of processed food but now am healthy.

My partner and i gym together and have no processed food in the home other than the odd treat.

I am really worried about bringing up a child health wise. Since DPs genes are very predisposed to carrying extra weight and it effected his self esteem so much I don't know how to raise a kid to be healthy, but also have a healthy mindset around food.

DP wants no unhealthy food in the home, but if its ever offered outside to not limit it. So no cake in the home other than on birthdays. If we ever go to a birthday party let the kid eat what they like.

I am worried that we are recreating his childhood in a way. I am pregnant with my first.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

I think the best way is to have a healthy diet in the home but not obsess about it, don't go on endlessly about calories and don't attach shame to "junk" food. Focus on positive health messages about nutrition and giving your body what it needs to do it's job properly rather than stigmatising unhealthy food (and don't mention weight or obesity at all). I think he's right to say not to limit less healthy food outside the home as I don't think any kids enjoy being set apart from their peers.

Teaching moderation, enjoyment of nutritious food and respect for our own bodies and health - and enjoying exercise, not doing it just because you have to - are the key things here.

From observation of good and bad outcomes, the best way seems to be just not to have junk food on the house, while not guilting the child if/when you refuse things.

Easier said than done of course, but you have at least two years ahead of you to expose DC to all sorts of tastes while small so that “sugar” won’t be the only treat that exists in their minds. For instance homemade frozen lollies made of crushed (very ripe) fruit make a great treat for a child whose palate hasn’t been developed on massively sugary shop bought ones.

But your attitude is also important. I tend to be a feeder so I have to watch that in myself but I also have friends who constantly made comments about their children’s weight or figure. I think it’s important to avoid that for their longer term mental health.

I think restricting what foods are available to children beyond giving them a diet that is mostly healthy is likely to lead to issues. Many posters have described on weight loss threads how some foods were restricted so they had no self control around them as adults.
When you say processed foods do you mean ultra processed foods or are you milling your own flour or making your own cheese? I make my own bread but do buy oven bottom muffins sometimes as an example. I make my own pasta/pizza sauce and soups and bake my own cakes but I do buy biscuits. I think balance is the lost important thing with food. Make sure children are active and eat as well as they can but don’t ban foods. Cake only on birthdays is a bit miserable. My dd loves making scones and will make them
regularly. Sometimes she’ll make cakes. We love making a Victoria sponge. My 3dc are all skinny and always have been but eat without restriction apart from as little UPFs as possible. Dont make food an issue. It’s for fuel for our bodies and some is not as healthy as others so we shouldn’t eat as much of those foods. There’s no bad foods in this house. There’s no treats. It’s just food. Food has no moral value and I can’t abide when people say they are trying to be good or say having a cake is naughty. Life’s too short. Be active, eat as well as you can afford, and enjoy life.

Don't overthink it too much, it will be fine.

Recognise that all kids are different and you can't mould them to be exactly as you like. Obviously encourage healthy eating and exercise but accept that some kids are less physical than others, and some just really like food!

Definitely avoid any shaming of food or comments ascribing value to how their body looks (even positive ones - I distinctly remember my mother praising me for having shed my "puppy fat" - it just made me aware that my body was being evaluated and desperate not to regain any weight, which fed in to decades of disordered eating and self hatred).

In terms of exercise, for young kids imo the park/soft play involves just as much if not more exercise that specific classes.

When they're older (I'm guessing - mine is not there yet) that there is less running around in the park, so classes/team sports are more important.

Re no processed food in the house, I actually think that's ok as a way to start, so long as the way you talk about other food is pretty chilled and non judgemental (talk about the health benefits of food, and that some food just gives you quick energy but doesn't help you grow strong muscles etc - obvs in an age appropriate way). Don't link food and body weight!

Recognise that as your child gets older and is exposed to different things then your approach might have to change! They will start to ask for cheese strings 😂

If you provide a low UPF diet which is broadly balanced then they will eat what they need.

Don't make a big deal of food.

Serve good stuff and then talk about it as little as possible. Don't talk about how you body looks. Talk about how you feel and talk about food as a means to fuel your body.

"We did a long walk this morning, I am hungry!" Is obviously fine, "we did a long walk this morning, that means I can treat myself to a chocolate bar." is not fine.

In my experience you don't need to encourage kids to be active - just take them outside a lot.

Try not to worry about it too much - you'll pass on your anxiety

My child is 6 and a very healthy weight so far. We don’t give any sugar before 3 and they still eat plain yoghurt at home and unsweetened cereal. However since they started school at 3 we have relaxed in what they eat out of the home and have put a biscuit every so often in their afternoon snack. I don’t restrict sugary snacks at parties etc… but we don’t have sweets or cakes or chocolate at home. They do have hot chocolate for breakfast though. We’re not militant but do talk about food being fuel for our bodies and it’s important to give it the right fuel so we can be healthy. Sweets taste good and that can be nice but it doesn’t help our body grow strong. So it stays as a treat.

I think your Dh has broadly the right idea. eat a wide and varied diet at home, limiting or exclding sweets/chocolate etc, but don't get obsessive about it when you're out and about.

Having had two overweight children myself (one is now not at all and one is slightly but not worryingly so, and is also in the midst of puberty-linked growth spurts) and spending a lot of time discussing thigns with a friend who still has two (very) overweight children, here are a couple of other things I think are factors, some of which you can help with and some you can't.

Three of the 4 chidren mentioned above are ND. This has hugely impacted how they eat, in particular the dopamine hit they seek which drives excessively large portions from very young. In DS' case, we have been able to channel this and the biggest difference we made to him was allowing those massive portions.... but heavily dominated by things like veg/salad etc. Luckily, he was very happy to do that, vs my friend's children who aren't.

Many children can be a bit fussy as toddlers - it's quite normal and, hopeflly, they grow out of it. But I truly believe that this is where you can set up bad habits for the future. In my friend's case, even at a 2 hour kids party at the local softplay or for a playdate, she would bring a packed lunch of the things he liked (white bread sandwiches with jam mostly) so that he could eat when the other children were eating. It set him up to consistently know that he could ALWAYS have whatever he liked, and discouraged him from trying new things. We were slightly less silly but made a similar mistake - when DD started her fussy phase, it was a tough time for us and we were busy and overwhelmed so we slipped into just letting her always have the few things she liked while at home. I didn't send her with special food to play dates or parties - she had to go hungry if she didn't like what was on offer - but at home, I mistakenly allowed her to dictate what she ate. And while it was broadly not bad food, it wasn't diverse enough, (which I am convinced impacts weight as the body is looking for nutrients it can't get - but I have no idea if that's a REAL thing), was too dominated by carbs, and it discouraged her from trying new things. We are slowly but surely making real progress on this now, but it's taken a long time (she's 12).

Partly because of the fussyness but also I think because of lifestyles, I've noticed that the overweight children are often the ones who stick with a very "child like" diet long term. The sooner you can encourge your children to eat the same food you eat, the better. Those easy meals we give children - whether it's spaghetti bolognaise or nuggets with chips and vegetables - even when they're relatively nutritious, tend to be about high amounts of calories in small amounts of food. Encouraging them to eat the stir fry, the grilled fish, the baked chicken with vegetables that adults eat, will get them eating a more balanced diet much younger.

Movement. Movement. Movement. Some children are naturally very active and busy. Others need to be encouraged to be so. Both of mine were NOT naturally active and needed more effort from me to ensure they did. As they got older, one thing that helped a lot was increased independence - which also comes with the need to walk/run/bike to places and that helped. They also both got into their respective activities as they got older but it took effort on my part.

Be careful of the daily "treat". this is somethign that DH implemented with both Dc and it still irritates me. Both children liked a small hot chocolate every night. DH's theory is that it's just a small thing, but for relatively young chidlren, it's really not necessary and when DS was losing weight, the final weight suddenly fell off when he stopped his daily hot chocolates.....

my parents probably thought a fat kid was the worst type of kid to have so there were no sweet treats in the house at all. I would say this massively backfired on them once I could buy my own food. For them it was easy as they are not people who are particularly interested in food (which is sounds like you are too), so they failed to understand the psychology of someone who does like food and might have an inherent sweet tooth. I would advocate moderation and not banning all 'unhealthy' food. Maybe follow the advice for 80% healthy food vs 20% less healthy food to avoid damaging your kid and setting them up for a very difficult adult life once they were free from your controls and restrictions.

It’s genetic. I’m a fatty.

My husband eats and eats …. Skinny.

The kids got his gene 🧬. They’ll never be fat. Unhealthy, possibly, but not fat. I never had to worry about it. They’re young adults now. Still smashing the takeaways, alongside the good stuff, but they eat too much junk. Still skinny as anything like their dads family.

Encourage excerise for fun, most little kids love to move. So little to no screens including tv, lots of walking and playgrounds and fun. Organised sport as they get older, but never loose the focus on fun. Life long sports are what you need to encourage.

And cook and bake and enjoy food. Walk to the shop, buy the ingredients and walk home and make biscuits together. Food is pleasurable and eat at the table discussing your day. No nuggets or beige food if you can. No routine desserts or fizzy drinks.

However this all take time. Time two working parents will find hard to carve out. So you'll have to commit and do your best. Its hard and it all falls apart when they get older, but at least you gave them good foundations.

First step might be not being the sort of person who even thinks phrases like 'fat kid'.

Thinking about the self-esteem side of things, your language is a big red flag, even if you keep those thoughts in your head your kids will be able to feel the unresolved issues you and your DH have around weight.

btw I agree with limiting UPFs. There are plenty of savoury things with UPFs and sweet things without UPFs. Don't conflate the two. I like the instagram/FB of the guy 'Tonic' as he often includes ways to give your DC little treats that are not full of UPFs.

Also, don't immediately get stressed if they start looking a little tubby - it may well be that they are about to have a growth spurt (that's certainly how it goes with mine)

Everything in moderation is the only way.
Your kid might start off having your milk, no UPF, home cooked food etc.. then there’s birthday parties, school dinners, holidays.. you can’t police it all forever. By all means start out as well as you can; but teach moderation and about health. Congratulations on your pregnancy! Xo

I think the key is also to focus on health and not fat. Because the two aren’t the same; and what you want to encourage is good health and holding your health in high esteem and being responsible for your own health.
Being skinny but normalizing eating rubbish isn’t a good approach imo.

I think you could start by accepting that it's not always the parents fault, but that some overweight adults are always looking for someone else/something else to blame.

You could take a family with 5 kids, all brought up the same, all fed the same and some will turn into fat adults and some won't.

But your DH sounds OTT and needs to learn that generally speaking, those who enjoy everything in moderation as children, tend to grow up learning how to moderate themselves.

Things have already been covered but I'll share how we did things.

My kids are adults now but I had slim children.
They had 3 meals daily.
Breakfast. They only had cereal as a treat. Things like coco pops, frosties etc they had on holiday. It wasn't an obesity thing I just heard a comment about cereal being shit in a box and it put me off! ( im fickle, I know!)

Day to day breakfast was Greek yogurt ( not flavoured pots) with puree apple or chopped banana or similar or poached egg on toast.
Ds rebelled at around 14 saying he didnt want breakfast so we compromised with a home made smoothy.

Lunch was something like home made pasta bake

Tea. We all sat at a table and had a main meal such as stew, beef casserole, stir fry etc A couple of times a week we would have a desert.

I didnt and still dont buy crisps, sweets, cakes and snacks in as a part of a shop. Of course we ate things like that but it was bought in as a treat individually. They weren't banned and if the kids had some pocket money and wanted some sweets that was absolutely fine.

We did have takeout pizza, maybe once every two months.

The vast majority , if not all of meals were cooked from scratch including all sauces, pastas and breads. This was 30 years ago. Both me and dh worked full time so mostly it was easy healthy quick meals and we use a bread maker. Dh used to batch cook on Sundays if I was working. Funny enough both sons batch cook their lunch for the week.
This lifestyle has carried on to both my sons in their own homes. They cook mostly from scratc, have very few upfs. It's funny seeing how your children become a copy of you!
Neither of them have a sweet tooth.

Dont get me wrong, I love ice cream, coffee cake, a packet of malteasers or a packet of biscuits with a coffee but its not an everyday occurrence.

The other Important thing was for the children to be active. I didnt go out of my way to do this but me and dh were already active people. We took the children cycling and then later mtb, walking, progressing to hiking, progressing to multi day hut walks, bouldering progressing to climbing and so on.

I'm not suggesting this should be everyone's normal but I do believe children need to be active and family activities such as walking, which is made into a fun activity benefit the whole family.

Dont do what my mum did which was to weigh me every Sunday and have my dad say ' Jesus's Christ, have you seen the size of that!! ( I.e. me) She still goes on about my weight, whether its good or bad at any particular time and im 61 for goodness sake! 😆
Im not saying i got everything right but things seemed to work out.

Its just a shame I let things slip when I got depression and the menopause kicked in at the same time!!!!

To demonised home made cakes is wrong. Cooking from scratch is a good way to get people invested in food.

And see the simplicity of making treats like shortbread, a nice cake, oat and fruit bars, home made bread, those things can be eaten daily in moderation.

And healthy tasty savoury meals. Lots of different veg, meat, pulses, herbs and things to try. Baked instead of fried.

Portion sizes should be fairly modest. I think at least half the plate should be veg/salad? But nothing is banned.

Making movement fun. Family walks, play rounders, table tennis, kick a ball, swimming as a family etc.

And not talking about good and bad foods or being on a diet etc.

There's no perfect solution. My parents did everything right and I've always been overweight (until glp1s came along).

One of my kids is obsessed with food and is overweight despite my best efforts, the other is effortlessly slim.

Lots of people say my parents did this (either restricted, or didn't restrict) and that's why I was overweight, but I'm proof that's not always the case.

I grew up with a mum obsessed with dieting and calories and weight and its really messed with my head. She also used to use food as a reward or as a comfort (bad day? Have some chips or cake to make you feel better etc) I also have a genetic propensity to be overweight. However with my kids I have basically just never really talked about food in good and bad terms. I cook mostly from scratch and limit junk and fizzy drinks etc in the house just because its not nutritious but I have never told them they 'shouldn't' eat something. We talk about protein and sugar and being strong but I have never mentioned their weight (or mine) or dieted or restricted food. They are both young adults now and seem to have a healthy relationship with food. They dont reach for chocolate after a bad day and they can take or leave the junk food stuff. Neither of them would actively choose MacDonalds or fast food and neither drinks fizzy drinks really.
They have both been encouraged to keep active and joined various sports teams and active hobbies but again with no focus on their weight and more about making friends, having fun and being strong. I think the main thing you can do is lead by example. Me and DH are both very active and as a family we have always engaged in active pursuits (walks, cold water swims, park run, bike rides, squash or paddle games etc) so again its just something the kids see as normal behaviour - not something to do because it helps you stay thin!

I don’t agree with the idea that if you restrict junk food at home kids will binge on it as soon as they get the chance and in adulthood.

I think if you can develop kids’ tastebuds to enjoy decent food, that will stick with them. Sure they will still want sweets and cake etc and will probably eat lots of crap as young adults but overall they will have a blueprint for a healthy diet.

So basically I would go with your husband’s suggestion, that’s how I was raised.

Eating as a family (once they are say 5+) and enjoying vegetables are key IMO. Making veg taste nice is really important. I used to serve veg first so they were hungry and ate them up happily. Other tips: add butter to veg to make them delicious, and a little salt when the kids are older. Roast veg are sweeter and more appealing than plain boiled. Veg mixed with cheese works well eg spinach and cheese pasta sauce was a favourite. Kids seem to love eating frozen peas and sweetcorn especially in summer.

I agree with the pp who say genes play a huge part in weight. But eating good food makes it less likely to happen, as it doesn’t have the addictive, never satisfied qualities that processed junk and sugar do. And if someone gets overweight from a healthy diet that’s less harmful to their health in other ways than getting overweight from a load of UPFs

Without DNA testing you can’t know what the genetic probability is.

Obsessing over it will do more harm than good, feed them a varied diet, neither of my children are fat and they eat a normal varied diet, including the odd bit of junk food.

The one thing I ban is artificial sweeteners, a bit of sugar is fine, artificial sweeteners are not.

I grew up in a house with no snacks or treats at all. As adults, I'm overweight and my brother is obese because we both started buying food and eating it secretly as soon as we were old enough.

Therefore I don't personally agree with no treats in the house. We have a snack cupboard and my three DC are allowed to help themselves. As a result, they're all able to regulate themselves (which I never learnt). They're all slim, and they're older now (eldest is 21yo) so I'm hopeful that they'll stay slim. They're all really active which helps.

However, I know others who were allowed treats and still ended up with an unhealthy relationship with food. It's a minefield!

I give my kids a balanced diet. But im not strict against chocolate, crisps etc.

People are far too strict on here.