How to avoid raising a fat kid

[humba]

DP was a fat kid born to two parents obsessed with health. Everyone on both sides of his family are overweight other than his parents.

His parents were into sports but he wasn't so they shamed him alot to try and get him to exercise.

As a result he ended up with a bad relationship with food and his body. He would scoff any unhealthy snack he could get his hands on as soon as his parents were out of site. He has had a binge eating disorder as well chronic under eating. Before we met he was obese. He was a very good weight when we met. This year it has been a struggle to get him to eat even half the amount of calories he needs.

I grew up too skinny with great care for my health. I'm not sure why as it was never instilled in us and my siblings never cared. I was fed an awful sugary diet full of processed food but now am healthy.

My partner and i gym together and have no processed food in the home other than the odd treat.

I am really worried about bringing up a child health wise. Since DPs genes are very predisposed to carrying extra weight and it effected his self esteem so much I don't know how to raise a kid to be healthy, but also have a healthy mindset around food.

DP wants no unhealthy food in the home, but if its ever offered outside to not limit it. So no cake in the home other than on birthdays. If we ever go to a birthday party let the kid eat what they like.

I am worried that we are recreating his childhood in a way. I am pregnant with my first.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

Would your husband be open to therapy or counselling to deal with his own issues around food and body image?
There’s a great deal of luck involved but the most common link between people who have an unhealthy relationship with food is parents who also had an unhealthy relationship with food one way or another.

I think a lot of what you see on Mumsnet is a 'learned' response.

I don't believe some are as strict as they make out, but it can sometimes give them the sense of superiority they don't have in real life.

Breastfeed your baby
Cook from scratch
Treat fruit and veg as the delights they are
Don’t ascribe moral value to food
Show your child you trying new things
Cook with them from babyhood

Don’t make them eat everything on their plate. I had to eat everything as a child and now I’m morbidly obese at 58 as I still find it hard to leave food on my plate. Obviously I have other issues but this one of them.

I rarely have ‘unhealthy’ food (UPF/sugar-laden) in my house. I absolutely believe in ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods’ and label them as such. Some shit is not even food in my book. Coco pops belong in the chocolate aisle in the supermarket, for eg. My kids always whine that we are an ingredients household. I make special stuff for holidays and birthdays. My hot cross buns and cinnamon buns are legendary. I was stricter than most about nutrition, but not about volume. You can eat as much as you want. If you don’t like it you are full, that’s cool too. Parties and other kids birthdays, all bets are off. Peanut butter is healthy and there is always a massive jar on the bench. Have at it. The only time they had processed baby food was when travelling. I even used to make their rusks when they were teething but even I roll my eyes at that now. I can’t say we NEVER have treats in the house but mostly we don’t. Once they had their own money they bought their fair share of shite foods.

That said I have 2 daughters who flirted with eating disorders for a time. They are both perfectly fine now and I think social media has a lot to answer for in terms of shoving unrealistic bodies down the necks of teens. I’m as confident as I can be that it wasn’t my influence or attitude to food.

It’s difficult to know what’s right. Kids are much fatter these days. They just are. It can’t be just lack of exercise. I don't know. We all do our best.

I'm going to add that we are fortunate to not have to think too much about our food shop as far as ingredients go. And on a really bad day, I’m ‘meh’, about cooking but it’s fine. Most days I enjoy it, and I’m a good cook. That makes a difference I think.

I am the mum of a fat child. It’s complicated! And something in the past I would have judged others over. And it’s happened to us.

Three children, my other two are like rakes… all very sporty.
I enjoy cooking and make most meals from scratch so have always tried to avoid too much UPF at home.

I have ‘guarded’ the kitchen to stop snacking.. I have seen his tears and bitter frustration when he’s weighed himself and nothing has shifted.

I have checked his bedroom in case he was hiding sweets..

At times he has been so upset about comments and name calling that I’ve seen his confidence disappear.

Last year, for a few months, he stopped going to school. His mental health was so fragile.

It is a vicious cycle that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Slowly their world gets smaller, they don’t feel comfortable so stop swimming lessons.. not fast enough in football so leave the team.. the tears and rows we had and sometimes still have each Sat / Sun morning..

It effects the whole family. And as a mother, I was judged. As I would have judged others too in the past. She most feed them takeaways… they must be really unhealthy and eat lots of rubbish.. this wasn’t the case.

I’m a few years in now to this tough and heartbreaking journey and happy to answer any questions if it helps others.

We found our child (youngest and most common in the youngest) had insulin resistance. He’s taking Metformin and we are making progress!!!

We go running together twice a week (when it’s dark)

The weight isn’t falling off but we are finally going in the right direction.

my advice with today’s knowledge (DC are adults);

limit UPFs at home (it’s supposed to be 80/20 at the most)
have a treat at home once a week (cake - homemade or decent bought)
id allow plain biscuits like digestive as an after dinner offering or yogurt (proper live) or fruit
allow free reign at parties

water and milk to drink at home.

I def made mistakes when DC diet as upf and want a ‘thing’ and I thought I was as a healthy cook but I used quorn, potato waffles, jarred sauces and gave a small choc bar like a club or penguin after dinner.

also watch for excessively acidic foods as DS has quite bad acid reflux. It’s a bit of an endemic now w young adults - his cousins have too (ages 22-30).

You're already overthinking it which doesn't bode well. I don't know any families who restrict treats to such an extreme extent. Cake once a year, really? Your child will be an outlier when they see their friends getting a treat at the school gates. Live life in moderation and enjoy it.

My eldest became overweight as a teenager and is likely to have hormone related weight issues like me. She's on MJ now and losing well - she's a stunning girl and it's a joy to see her confidence returning.

Middle DC is slim but has to work really hard to stay that way and will gain very easily.

Youngest is whippet thin, to the point I think she's too thin sometimes and has absolutely zero interest in food.

All 3 were raised in exactly the same way and eating the same foods. I think genetics is a far bigger factor than environment.

I'm fat with very health/fitness-obsessed parents. Them constantly going on about food and dieting made me have a very unhealthy relationship with food (and in my teens an eating disorder).

My teenage daughter is very slim and sporty. I think the reason for that is that I never restricted her food intake and just let her eat everything in moderation without making a big deal out of it or even mentioning it. The less you obsess over food the more likely it will be that you'll raise a healthy teen.

Genetics is a massive factor. There are amazing adoption studies that show children (even adopted at birth) are much much more likely to be fat if their birth parents are. Works the other way round as well, children who have fat adoptive parents but thin biological ones will remain slim.

So yes keep healthy food in the house, lots of veg watch fibre intake all good stuff. But it's about health rather then weight.

All this. Baking with kids is a great activity. Lots of variety of food and strong emphasis on trying it, food is for growth and health and taste and we try not to talk about size. For breakfast we just have weetbix, you can have sultanas with it but that’s it, weetbix every day except for Sundays where we buy a lower sugar than the name brand cornflakes. And holidays sometimes. My 4 year old has started eating her weetbix, we talk about it as food to grow big and strong and she comes in and sticks out her arms for me to see how strong she is. Active lifestyle even if they aren’t sporty - family bike rides, trips to the pool and beach, we have a trampoline and basketball hoop and climbing frame (appreciate that’s if you have the space), on Father’s Day we often go for a walk, on Mother’s Day i went for a run with the 11 and 8yos, admittedly mine are sporty and pretty much play sport every day, that might not sound like fun for everyone, but worth encouraging sports for all kids. Lots of options like Taikwondo etc if they have no ball skills. My biggest food challenge is feeding them enough nutritious food so I’m much more relaxed about sweets as it’s all food. I was up late making some protein pancakes for snacks for the next couple of days.

Another vote for genetics having a role here.

4 x DC. DC1 and only girl, short and mildly overweight at 22. Not by much but she seems to be able to put weight on very easily. Probably the fussiest eater of the 4.
DC2 - tall and whippet thin and eats whatever he likes when he likes, huge fan of vegetables, can take or leave most meat.
DC3 - very tall and broad and could battle with weight issues in adulthood (he’s 17) I think. Has the broadest likes in terms of diet-will eat pretty much anything.
DC4 - not quite as tall but also whippet thin. Not a huge fan of vegetables, will eat fruit, loves meat and fish.

DH - tall and broad, has been morbidly obese, now just overweight.
Me - had some issues with weight gain during childbearing years, however after last child switched from hormonal contraception to non hormonal and back to being slim. Was always take thin as a child and teen.

We always talk about balance and nutrition and not about good food and bad food. We have treat food in the house and have something like that most days, but talk about making sure it is in balance with our diet overall and with variety of proteins and fruit and veg to get everything our body needs. My son is 9 currently and very active and lean.

He went away on a weeks PGL camp recently and it was nice for him to be telling me about how he thought about balancing his diet while he was away from home- picking the fruit and veg, visiting the salad bar, having the ice cream for dessert.

I have never really focused on UPF specifically, but more in terms of this item won't give our body anything useful nutrition wise. We won't ever buy coke/ fizzy drinks for the house and I have explained this is because they can cause issues with our teeth if drunk regularly, but they know it's fine to have it on odd occasions. They have a cup at a party or when it comes with a mcdonalds at a services. When they get candy trick or treating that is also fine, but is to be eaten a couple of things a night until it's all gone.

We try to get the kids involved with cooking our evening meals. Mushrooms became a very requested item because the kids enjoyed cutting them so much.

I'm hoping we are setting up good habits for the future but only time will tell.

thank you very much for all your replies some really insightful stuff here. I took the time to read each and every one. And yes we cut out ultra processed food and don't mill our own flour!

Who said I normalised it? I gave my kids nutritious foods all the time growing up but they still ate too many takeaways and chocolate etc. I was strict with sweets because they’re awful for teeth, but i didn’t need to worry about their weight. I didn’t need to fret about the extra portion to be honest.

Young adults now and my sons eat too many kebabs and fast food - i can’t control that now. They’re all active, but even if they weren’t they still wouldn’t be fat. Unhealthy, possibly, but they still eat good stuff too so the rest
is down to fate I guess.

Like I said, I am fat. Taking steps to lose weight though. I’ve always had normal BP, normal blood sugars etc, but I’ve always still been fit as I love to exercise and walk. I do know health is not always correlated with weight, but from a vanity perspective yes I’m glad my daughter got her fathers skinny genes. It’s just easier for her, wearing whatever clothes she likes, I felt hideous at her age tbh. It’s not easy being fat in this world.

Just don’t have biscuits/cake/ sweets/crisps etc in the house. Just eat at meal times, don’t snack. We rarely have puddings, other than fruit or occasionally home made fruit crumble of we have as Sunday roast.
Breakfast cereals are rubbish /other than prorridge, much better breakfast is protein -eg eggs/bacon etc on wholemeal toast.
Don’t make a big deal about it, or talk about ‘calories’ - just make sure food at home is nutritious. If to don’t feed then sugar crap at home they won’t crave it, so even if they get it elsewhere it won’t damage them.

Theres nothing wrong in having all that in your house.

Oh my, I´m really sorry for some of today´s kids. This is the new religion. Healthy portions, good balance between protein and vegetables and fruit, don´t overdo carbohydrates in certain circs and you´re set. We also drank water with meals. All this angsting and demonising foods.

try to limit junk food in the house as that's 99% of where the overeating happens. Regular weigh ins. I weigh DDs every week and its routine x

Grew up in a strict household, no sugar, crisps etc was skinny as a child now im obese. As soon as I left I would binge and I mean binge spend 20 quid on sweets choc anything bad for you and eat it all in 1 sitting. Then id be sick. Terrible relationship with food, use it as a crutch. With my son I didnt want any forbidden foods, I buy sweets, cakes etc weekly, my son has grown up around them everyday and he can take or leave them. In fact he would rather a tangerine. He's a teen, never been over weight at all, he does average sports. He's active etc. Im still fat no matter how hard I try. Its that old mantra of its forbidden then you want it more.

Apparently the biggest predictor of childhood obesity apart from obese parents is parental concern about obesity.

IE if you’re worried your kid will be fat, good chance they will.

have a read of some Ellyn Satter, division of responsibility, body acceptance and relax about food. Food obsession isn’t good for kids. Think you set the structure of meals and snacks and choose what to serve, your child chooses whether to eat and how much. Reliable feeding of yourself and your child is the foundation of eating competence. If your child turns out to be fat at least that way they’ll have the health bonuses of being a competent eater, stable weight and a healthy relationship with food.

I was the skinny who could eat what she wanted until she was 23. Then it was like a switch flipped.

DH isn’t insisting unhealthy food is off limits - just saying you shouldn’t buy it for in the home
except for treats like birthdays

if that is coupled with avoiding any junk before the age of around 2

i would talk over what he sees as an ok pudding - stewed fruit and custard or home sweetened yogurt

Dont think of food as either good or bad
Not everything has to be healthy.
Kids need fats in their diet
They will copy you
Its ok to have some treats
No judgement
Introduce them to a wide range of foods from early on
Don't make mealtimes a battle