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The tack room

Discuss horse riding and ownership on our Horse forum.

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Original poster

Practically being forced to give up my horse :-(

50 replies

allgonebellyup · 23/03/2011 12:14

I am a single parent with 2 youngish dc, my mum looks after one of them afterschool as i am still at work, then i go to the yard for approx 45mins to get horse in/muckout etc. This is only twice a week, (then soon the horses are going out to the fields for the summer so will require no mucking out etc.
My mum (and 3 interfering sisters) think its awful that i have a horse, and that i am putting my dc last. I tried to sell her (reluctantly) but to no avail, then tried to loan and share her but kept getting let down.
She's a lovely mare, and as i have so many problems at work/certain people and am prone to bouts of depression, sometimes my mare and riding her are the only things that keep me happy and are the only time i get to myself !

i have explained to my family that nobody is keen on taking her from me, and my family are persuading me to just leave the field gate open or sell her for meat

As you can see, they are not horsey in the slightest!

OP posts:

seeker · 23/03/2011 12:21

Ignore them. Honestly - it's none of their business. If you spent 45 minutes watching TV in the evening they wouldn't complain, would they?

pinkytheshrinky · 23/03/2011 12:22

No they are not horsey in the slightest but I am the child of someone who who would have rather have spent time with her horse than with her children. If you are having to rely on your Mum to take care of your children personally I think asking her to do this while you do horse stuff is taking the piss a bit. As for having time to yourself - not many of us do - that is a luxury thing with small children and I can see your family's point that they should come first. Not the horse and not time to yourself. If someone is kind enough to help you care for your children then your priority should be to take over as soon as you are able - not after you have faffed with a horse.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you don't have to sell her for meat - talk to a horse charity and see if they can help with re-homing her.

AnnieLobeseder · 23/03/2011 12:23

45 minutes to yourself twice a week is hardly excessive, and vital to your mental health. Ignore your mum and sisters, seriously.

stream · 23/03/2011 12:24

I'd get a childminder and tell my family to butt out.

steamedtreaclesponge · 23/03/2011 12:28

I'm with stream. Sounds like you really need the time with your horse - I can't believe they are suggesting you sell her for meat, or that you're putting your horse before your children! It's not like you're leaving your kids alone in a field while you're out riding or anything.

Get a childminder and then it's none of their business.

PS - I'm looking for a sharer, you're not anywhere near London are you?

olderyetwider · 23/03/2011 13:51

What a horrid situation for you. It's not selfish in the slightest to ask them to help you enjoy your horse a couple of times a week. Hopefully it will become a family activity, fully involving your DCs in years to come, as it is for us. We spend time as a family riding and caring for our horses and it's lovely!

Totally agree that a childminder is the way to go if you can run to it, (Or could their father look after them, sorry if that's not an option) then you (and mare) can tell them to mind their own business

HandbagAddiction · 23/03/2011 13:55

I really feel for you and was very tempted to reply to your posting the other week about sharing as I live not too far away in Godalming. Problem is though that I work full-time in London and have 2 DCs, so spare time in limited and I struggle already to keep all the plates in the air as it is let alone taking on something else...

Sympathise totally though with what you're going through....

VivaLeBeaver · 23/03/2011 13:55

Where abouts are you? Maybe someone on MN would be interested in a horse share?

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/03/2011 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CotswoldCountryMummy · 23/03/2011 17:31

I had PND and my horses were the only thing that kept me sane. I would have thought your mother would have been happy to look after your children for a short time whilst you did something that was so beneficial for you. Keep going. If you sell her, you'll always regret it and will probably always resent ypur mother and sisters.

CotswoldCountryMummy · 23/03/2011 17:31

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 23/03/2011 18:14

thanks all.
Yes i do get that my mum has a very big say in whether she looks after the kids for me or not whilst i see to my horse. i do already have a childminder for 5 mornings and the 3 eves when i dont do the horse, but my mum likes having the kids so she offered to do these 2 eves for me. I do always treat her to flowers/chocs/ meals so she doesnt feel used. When i said i was happy for the childminder to do all 5 eves she looked very upset.

The thing i hate is that she and my sisters obviously discuss the horse issue obsessively, as they all take it in turns to call me and tell me to "get rid." They worry on my behalf that because i am on my own, and am having lots of stress at work, that the horse is just another worry.
i have tried to explain that buying my mare was the best thing i ever did to relieve my depression but all they say is "you have enough pets" or "just have riding lessons." But its not the same
(Besides, if i were to have riding lessons every week, that would cost more than it costs me to keep my own mare!)

OP posts:

stream · 23/03/2011 19:14

I'd go with the childminder for all 5 evenings. Your mum will still get a chance to see the kids at weekends, but won't have that 'power' over you. You won't feel guilty and still have your space.

I remember how very hard it could be, having very young children. Tell yourself you deserve your horse time.

And I must say, you sound really lovely in the way you treat your mum - flowers and chocs and meals!

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 23/03/2011 19:17

How old are you?

I know parenting is putting the children first, but , FGS, everyone is entitled to a hobby! I had a horse & would give anything to have one now - don't give her up - you are an adult! How would your mum react if her mum was saying this to her? If she has a problem with it, use a childminder. Tell her it is your hobby , you won't be giving it up and you do not wish to discuss it again.

ZZZenAgain · 23/03/2011 19:24

but why are they objecting to the horse? I don't understand their line of thought. Your mother is happy (you say) to look after the dc two evenings a week so why would it bother her if you spend an hour ofthat time riding as opposed to say cleaning your kitchen?

If your mother actually only wants to help out where it is necessary but considers the horse-riding unnecessary, would anyone else help you out for an hour or two if you in return did the same on another day (realise you already have loads on your plate...)

Even if they are really on your side and feel the horse is going to be putting you under too much extra pressure, to tell you to leave the gate open or sell her for meat is unnecessarily nasty. It is all a bit strange. NOt sure what their real problem is with it

marge2 · 23/03/2011 21:31

child minders/mum looking after kids 5 night a week??? How much time do you get to spend with your DCs then?? I fully understand you love your horse - I love mine, but your kids ARE more important than your horse and you need to find a compromise. I kind of get why your family are concerned, but they aren't being very nice about it. How about grass livery? It would cut down the time you need to spend at the yard and it might mean more people could afford to share.

stream · 23/03/2011 21:33

When I'm saying evenings, I mean until the op has finished work. That's my understanding, anyway.

stream · 23/03/2011 21:35

Gah! Pressed post too soon.

Evenings until the op has finished work. On two of them she does her horse for 45 minutes after work. Hardly the rest of the night.

CarGirl · 23/03/2011 21:37

When the evenings are lighter later does that mean you can go ride when the dc are in bed and your mum can babysit?

MitchiestInge · 23/03/2011 22:03

I hope you find a way around this, twice a week is nothing at all is it and if you manage to muck out and ride in 45 minutes you should be rewarded for great time management!

MitchiestInge · 23/03/2011 22:04

Takes me longer than that to tack them up

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 24/03/2011 07:36

Marge - i finish work at 4, and so it means i get to my dc at 4.45. not too late i dont think...
My family's problem is that they think i already have too much on my plate and that as soon as i finish work i should be with the kids - not wasting time on an animal that they also think is gobbling all my cash - when in fact it isnt.

Have asked childminder about 5 eves but she has no spaces and anyhow, the kids love being at their grandma's more.
Maybe the solution is to pick kids up first then drag them to the yard now its lighter in eves! but they get bored and start disappearing there and a couple of the girls there at the yard dont appreciate my kids running round causing havoc!

Am 31 by the way...but i am the youngest in the family and am ALWAYS being treated as though i am still 13, and am constantly being given advice by them when its not wanted! They say i made a silly impulsive choice by getting my mare, but i dont agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 24/03/2011 07:37

btw i dont even get to ride in the eves, i am merely mucking out/bringing in!

OP posts:

MitchiestInge · 24/03/2011 09:21

Hopefully it will be much easier when she is living out again, or will you have to do poo picking instead of mucking out? Pity there aren't more supportive people around your yard to help supervise the children or get them involved. Do you have any friends who might like to ride your mare in return for keeping an eye on the children?

Sounds as if your family fundamentally disapprove of you having a horse, maybe they don't know how important it is. Is the other parent (of your children) still living, can they do more?

Lucyinthepie · 24/03/2011 10:01

I think it's fair to point out that people who aren't "supportive" in helping to supervise or involve other people's children aren't really being unreasonable. We all live busy lives, and just as Op, they probably value the time they can steal from their day to enjoy their horse. Speaking from personal experience, it is irritating and potentially dangerous to have children running around unchecked on a yard. I left a yard because it was regularly assumed that I would look tolerantly on young children hanging around me and my pony, asking questions, wanting to help. When I go to the yard I have a limited amount of time and I want to enjoy it.
Op, your horse gives you joy and relaxation, I think you not only need to carry on making time alone with your horse, you also need to quite sternly tell your family that they've made their point and it's time for them to shut up.

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