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Whether you're a permanent teacher, supply teacher or student teacher, you'll find others in the same situation on our Staffroom forum.

Original poster

private teacher/state parent guilt

37 replies

tinypop4 · 28/08/2017 11:40

I'm probably being silly and I'm perfectly happy to hear so! I'm just about to start a job in a private 3-18 school - am a teacher of an arts subject. I'm secondary but have been allocated a day of my timetable to provide my subject to the junior school - I've planned what I think is a really good programme for them, as I am a specialist teacher, and the school have provided me with a good amount of money for new resources. The head offers a 50% discount to staff for their children - my DD is about to start reception but I declined to send her on the basis that I think the reception class is too small (only 6), and she was keen to go to the local infants school with her friends from nursery class.
The school has an outstanding ofsted, we liked it when we visited and it is a 10 minute walk from our home. It seems like a great school, the classes are the usual 30 students. I do know, however, that they do not have the budget to provide specialist teaching in arts subjects or languages and the students do not get this entitlement as part of their education.

I suddenly feel quite guilty that I am busy preparing a great programme of something for other people's children, and have declined the opportunity for my own DD to attend and get this. Have I done the wrong thing? Do any other parents in private schools send their children to state schools ?

OP posts:
schoolgaterebel · 28/08/2017 11:44

I think that reception is as much about social interaction and finding their feet amount their peers as academic achievement.

You are doing the right thing.

I'm sure the school you will be teaching in is excellent and your classes will be amazing, but I'm sure your DD will also have a valuable learning experience at her own school. State schools aren't all bad you know

Original poster
tinypop4 · 28/08/2017 11:49

thanks school, no I don't think state schools are bad at all - I've worked in them for 10 years and I think our local ones for infant and primary all seem good. I just feel a bit bad about providing something specialist for other people's children and then not giving my own DD the same opportunities.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromCake · 28/08/2017 11:54

As you are working in private, your holidays will overlap your dd's termtime. Why not offer her school your speciality as a parent volunteer during those times?

LottieDoubtie · 28/08/2017 12:01

It's a hard decision OP but I think you are making the right one.

As a fellow independent school teacher here's my advice:

  1. You can always change your mind and put her in later. More difficult to 'go the other way'.
  2. If she's in the private school and you hate it as a place to work what are you going to do?
  3. Career wise are you happy to commit to staying at the school until your youngest (maybe hypothetical at this stage?) child is 18?
  4. What is the A level provision like? Would you be happy with it- where would you go if not there?

My DS is still too young but I think we have made the decision that he will to state. I might rethink for 16+ if I feel like I need too then. But the idea of having my job and his education inextricably linked long term is terrifying to me!

Original poster
tinypop4 · 28/08/2017 12:18

Step away brilliant idea- I will def do that.
Lottie thank you- you are quite right that I could transfer her into the school later if necessary. I have a younger dc who will start school in 2 years so I might be committing to a long haul at the school which I can't guarantee would be right.
I feel much better now- thank you. Dds infant school is really nice and was very oversubscribed so we were lucky to get her in really. It's just such a shame that budget cuts mean specialist provision is not possible in state schools, even good ones.

OP posts:
GHGN · 28/08/2017 12:19

Same situation here but I see my job as a job and I would hate to have my DC in the same school. I provide my pupils with a lot of things but at home, my DD receives one to one attention from me so it would be 10 times better.

teaandakitkat · 28/08/2017 12:21

That must feel quite weird, planning amazing things for other kids and knowing yours probably won't get the same opportunity.

But she will get other, different opportunities and you still have evenings, weekends and holidays to do fun things with her.

And you have choices in the future, you haven't ruled anything out permanently.

Original poster
tinypop4 · 28/08/2017 12:26

I would hate to have my DC in the same school This was also one of my worries, as the junior department is very small I would definitely be teaching her which could be a bit strange. In the seniors it's less of a problem as it's bigger so I could request not to teach her but while she's little I would have to teach her.

That must feel quite weird, planning amazing things for other kids and knowing yours probably won't get the same opportunity - yes, this is what i feel bad about but I guess I can invest in her arts education in other ways.

OP posts:
LottieDoubtie · 28/08/2017 13:01

You can definitely invest in her arts education in other ways.

Having an arts teacher influencing your whole life is a million times better than an hour or two a week term time only.

I think kids only truly miss out on this stuff if they don't get the right input at home. Schools (even excellent independent ones) can only do so much.

dairymilkmonster · 28/08/2017 20:16

Don't worry! Start her at what sounds like a great school locally, you can always move her later if there seems a good reason too.

You sound like a fab teacher and mum !

Rosieposy4 · 28/08/2017 22:45

Mine are the other way round, kids at indi, mum teaches at state comp. i spend a lot of my "free" hours trying to give the kids i teach some of the opportunities ny dc have access to.
I think you have made a sensible decision, you can always move your dc at y3 or y7.

Ttbb · 28/08/2017 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LottieDoubtie · 28/08/2017 23:03

Well aren't you a delight Ttbb

LurkingQuietly · 28/08/2017 23:08

I so rarely comment but I had to when I read Ttbb's breathtakingly rude post. OP, all you need to do as a parent is make the right choices for your Dc, and work to ensure they're a nice person. Ttbb's parents failed on one count there.

Ttbb · 28/08/2017 23:09

I speak from experience. My parents (migrants from communist hell hole) originally sent me to a state school because they didn't know any better (and really couldn't afford to go private). After a couple of years my teacher at said state school told them that the system was so ad that the only hope for me was to send me to a private school. He was right. The difference was phenomenal. I don't like to be rude but this is something that literally changes children's lives. I am forever greatful to that man and to my parents. I don't think you could even compare the life I live to the children who I was at the school with who didn't leave the state system. Most of them are working dead end jobs or not even working. Which is such as Shane because there would have been places for them at the passable state schools if the middle class twats economising on school fees for the sake of ski trips hadn't played the system to obtain them.

AccrualIntentions · 28/08/2017 23:11

Ttbb sometimes being "hopelessly dim" can't be prevented even with private schooling and tutoring.

AccrualIntentions · 28/08/2017 23:12

Private education only makes such a huge difference as you describe Ttnb (excluding SN etc) if the parents are not doing their job properly.

Ttbb · 28/08/2017 23:18

Clearly you didn't go to a private school. Private school literally teach children how to think. Philosophy, starting with reasoning and logical structures is a core part of teaching at all good private schools. But they don't stop there, they teach children everything. They teach them how to eat properly, how to dress, how to speak. Why do you think it is that parents are able to send children off to board at 8 and pick up a future priminister at 18? The resources available to these children are phenomenal.

Ttbb · 28/08/2017 23:19

Maybe if unscrupulous, entitled people were not so ready to abuse the state system the children who it was designed to support could enjoy more of these privileges.

LurkingQuietly · 28/08/2017 23:21

My experience is the opposite. I went to a great state school but lived very near a private school so went there for 6th form. I was the only one to do so. Everyone else had been there from at least year 7, but mostly reception.

ALL the women I know (both girls schools) who have gone off the rails, had breakdowns, drug problems, eating disorders etc I know from the private 6th form. Every single one. And from both the state secondary school and private 6th form, I'd honestly say it is about an equal split of women doing very, very well for themselves in their careers. What's overwhelming though is that pretty much every SAHM I know, I know from 6th form, so they were privately educated. Only myself and 2 others from secondary are SAHM's. I am one, so I have nothing against SAHM's, obviously, but we do fall into your "or not even working" category.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 23:26

I work on a school and the time effort planning etc that goes into 'other people's kids' is huge

New ideas new resources endless training etc

Kids can do well with a good work ethic - the willingness to learn and try new things and to be happy is what you're aiming for

AccrualIntentions · 28/08/2017 23:26

Clearly you didn't go to a private school. Private school literally teach children how to think. Philosophy, starting with reasoning and logical structures is a core part of teaching at all good private schools. But they don't stop there, they teach children everything. They teach them how to eat properly, how to dress, how to speak. Why do you think it is that parents are able to send children off to board at 8 and pick up a future priminister at 18? The resources available to these children are phenomenal.

My parents taught me to dress, to think, to speak, to eat properly. School educated me. I'm sorry your parents weren't capable of providing you with those basics. My peers from my state comprehensive are doctors, lawyers, dentists, accountants, entrepreneurs, creatives, and there's an MP. Not the dead end scenario you describe. Unlikely that any of us will end up as PM, but then neither will any of the Tim-nice-but-dim types from the private school down the road. Private school confers advantages. But a clever child with supportive parents at a good state school will do as well as a clever child with supportive parents at a mediocre private school.

However, clearly my state school didn't teach me not to engage with trolls. I must take this up with the DfE.

Ttbb · 28/08/2017 23:28

Being a STAM is work though? I meant practically defrauding the tax payer. Shame about all the mental problems though. I'm glad that you had the chance to go to one of the better state schools-I wonder who was deprived because of it?

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 23:29

I'm going to add this - woman who are high flyers high earners etc don't have it all - they just do it all

Raaaaaah · 28/08/2017 23:32

Ttbb it is grateful not greatful.

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