What's your cat's criminal record?

[hardheadedwoman]

Ok so prior to the weekend my two between them:

Theft
Trespass
Breaking and Entering a Shop
Affray
Common Assault
Murder

At the weekend one came back frothing at the mouth and wild eyed. I thought he'd been poisoned but he was fine after 30 mins. Googled it and apparently these are the symptoms of licking a toad which is hallucinogenic for cats. (He's fine now, was v sleepy and hungry the next day).

So we can add substance abuse to the list now

Any more?

Mine is more of an avant garde artist... She chews pieces off cardboard boxes and then carefully deposits them around the lounge, occasionally going back and moving some of the older ones if she feels that their artistic placement could be improved on.

It's fascinating but also slightly scary.

Mine chewed a worm in half this morning then ran off like a cheetah.

God I love him so much.

Seniorboy is more of a judicial type than a criminal.

When he's awake, he watches! I try to avoid the hawk-like glance but it can still be a little unnerving.

Genocide. The mouse is practically an endangered species nowadays round here.

Affray. Jumping down unexpectedly from the tall bookcase on to my desk in the middle of conference calls.

Breach of the Peace. She hasn't done this for a few years but jumping on my bed at 5 a.m. 'just to say hi' was a regular thing.

Mine has brought in 2 birds - both still alive and a (very much alive) shrew - he is obviously a shit hunter.

Torture
Murder
Looking At Other Cats In An Agressive Way (through the window)
Waking people up at 5am to Get Out.

Ha ha love these - cozie what's the harshest sentence he's doled out?

Torture
Murder
Assault
Demanding Dreamies with Menaces

Breaking and entering (neighbour's premises)
Theft (of food from neighbour)
Assault (they were very scratchy kittens!)
Actual bodily harm (see above. And gnawing DH's head!)
Criminal damages (shredding clothes of above neighbour when trying to return kitty!)
But they are cute so we forgive them.
We do call them ASBO kitties!

W is a pervert, likes watching people in the bath/shower. Also steals children's knickers and runs around with them in his mouth. Just makes me love him more

Theft
Murder of countless small animals
Harassment (poor wheezy bulldog next door was tormented)
Kidnap
Assault
Criminal Damage
Affray
Chemical Warfare

About the only thing he didn't do was drunk driving. :) Miss him!

Intimidation - sits and glares out the window if she thinks other cats are on her land
Trespass - seen breaking and entering a range of neighbours' properties
Torture - on a mass scale
Murder - on a mass scale
Loitering with intent - including a 2 day stake out to catch a mole

Indecent sense of entitlement- including refusal to use cat flap if a human is around to open the 'Princess' door, refusal to eat posh xmas dinner offering, preferring to go out instead and bring back a weasel, dragging baby rabbits into the house and demanding praise ….

Criminal damage to a set of six brand new leather dining chairs.
Breaking and entering an empty property via a one way cat flap.
Murder of a range of wildlife.
Grievous bodily harm to a pigeon
Actual bodily harm to me and DH via the gap in the sofa cushions and her roving paw.

Breaking and entering... and squatting! (Obie was trapped in a neighbour's house for 5 days when he snuck in as she was loading her holiday suitcases into the car!)

Theft... any food, any time, any place anywhere...

GBH and ABH.... my head at about 5am..he bites!

Murder... Ophie did the pigeon in!

Urinating in a public place.. and private... I wish Obie would stop peeing in my shower!

STARING. Ok not an offence but pretty unnerving when I'm lying in the bath

Oh and defo substance abuse...the first time Ophie licked a toad I rushed her, foaming at the mouth, to the vets. She keeps going back for more...

Removal of DS Star Wars figures with intent to permanently deprive the owner even if he did leave them on the top step as a nice little gift

I have four cats.

Offences to date:

Breaking and entering and theft
Murder
Torture
Assault
Vandalism
Damage to property
Perverted staring when I'm in the bath
Weird obsession with sitting on my lap while I'm on the loo

Quite frankly they are all small furry hooligans but boy cat 2 has a reputation round here for breaking into other people's houses and ripping open food sachets and girl cat 2 Sat looking at me while systematically knocking a load of small China frogs off the bookcase earlier and then smacked them round the floor.

Mine appears on the surface to be a sweet, respectable madam, but I am sure she plots crimes and executes them when I am not there. She is probably central to the local cat crime ring. As far as I know: Noise - if she really wants food/ to go out or come in/ attention/ who the fuck knows, the entire neighbourhood can hear her yowling. Intimidating the neighbour cats. Would fight them if unsupervised. Probably does tbh. Only weaker lady cats though, if she had no chance she'd run and get her thug cat sons to beat them up instead Theft. Of my water. Every freaking time I have a glass and leave it within reach . And food. She doesn't do human food, except curry/ sweet chilli etc chicken. And cheese. Extortion of treats by pretending to be scared/ upset. Works. Every. Time. Assault. When she wants attention she pats me with a velvety paw...but if I dare not to respond, the claws come out. And the kneading. Ouch. I love the furry fecker.

Mine's just one of those unravelling old people who sometimes stand on street corners shouting very passionately about things no one can quite understand. Occasionally gets another ASBO when she gets too loud and obstructive, and is sometimes stuck in the kitchen a cell overnight to calm her down, but mostly just gets moved along with a warning. God I'll miss her when she goes to jail.

Theft of a chicken and bacon sandwich.

Conning neighbours in to thinking she is a stray kitten.

Murder of several birds including a robin and blue tit, I think she likes the colours.

Emergency pussing ie sitting on my head when I have the audacity to sleep past 6am.

Criminal damage of a duresta sofa. He'd never scratched furniture before and is now banned from the lounge forever.

Criminal damage of my furniture and the neighbour's fence - he tried to jump it and pulled the top section down on top of him!
Theft - another neighbour's pond plants which he used to bring home and leave on the carpet
Intimidation - he glares people into submission
Murder - nothing too fast though
Being a peeping tom - I caught him sitting on the neighbour's wall staring in the window. He also watches me in the shower
GBH/ABH - usually on me!

Bogbastardkitten has escalated his criminality and nicked the son of the houses favourite Dr Who figure out of his bed. I think that's an aggravating feature. Fortunately the victim adores BBK and is refusing to press charges

Oh I forgot to add release of noxious gases.

My cat is a vicious murderer turned skilled thief.

We used to live out in the country, where he once massacred and ate an entire family of rabbits within a week. One a day.

Now we live in a city so his hunting habits have had to adapt to surroundings. He has returned home with the following items:

Two rashers of bacon
A whole, fresh chicken breast
A lump of bread roll
A peach stone
A meatball
Half a sausage
Tomatoey pasta pieces (regurgitated)

The food is always fresh and always delivered around 6-7pm, presumably straight off someone's chopping board