What's your cat's criminal record?

[hardheadedwoman]

Ok so prior to the weekend my two between them:

Theft
Trespass
Breaking and Entering a Shop
Affray
Common Assault
Murder

At the weekend one came back frothing at the mouth and wild eyed. I thought he'd been poisoned but he was fine after 30 mins. Googled it and apparently these are the symptoms of licking a toad which is hallucinogenic for cats. (He's fine now, was v sleepy and hungry the next day).

So we can add substance abuse to the list now

Any more?

Mine are more Robin Hood cats. Stealing from the rich to give to the poor.

Past few weeks, they have got into the habit of taking DH's money/debit card from the side and bringing it to me as a present.

I've made around £40 so far.

Oh I forgot to add release of noxious gases

Domestic Violence (mum to kitten) Or is that child abuse...?

...I've made around £40 so far...

Breaking and Entering: Most of the houses on my street have been visited at one time or another - especially if they're being renovated and are empty.

Murder: Countless mice and shrews, and a fair few juvenile birds but seems to have wound down her killing spree in the last 12 months.

Criminal damage: Has dug holes in the stairs carpet and shredded one arm of the leather sofa. Not to mention a serial puker on the bedroom carpet.

Breach of the peace: Shouting loudly like a fishwife at the tomcat from up the street in a manner suggesting she's being killed to bits when he's about ten feet away from her the whole time.

Antisocial Behaviour: Preventing me from relaxing quietly by demanding attention, getting in my way and shouting abuse at me.

Theft - of all food in the house
Criminal damage - of automatic food dispenser, any important papers, his cat flap...
Indecent exposure - he loves to wash his todge in polite company
Anti social behaviour - usually causing a racket at 3am because he wants attention. Also fighting.
ABH - biting/scratching me and DH
Squatting - in rooms he's not meant to be in

Good job we love the pest so incredibly much.

Being criminally cute.

Sorry

Possibly not officially a criminal offence but it should be -- knocked a candlestick off the sideboard at 4.51 yesterday morning, making me think we had burglars and tiptoe in terror to the dining room with my baseball bat, looking really silly.

I also think she managed to open the fridge last week. It was slightly open first thing in the morning. (That may have been DD3 though she denies midnight snacking.) And I know she's been drinking from the toilet.

GBH(blackbird)
ABH (me)
common assault (DH)
escape law full custody (broke lock on catflap)
cottaging/voyeurism (watches men in the loo)
banned substances ( cheese)
criminal damage (too numerous to mention)
harassment (laptop-related)
affray (have a cat and 2 kittens)
breaching the peace

Mine brought a snake into the house. Through the catflap

Her current crime is tricking the stupid dogs. She will dive out the cat flap, thus making a huge noise, to which the dogs both get up and demand to be let out to see what she is chasing outside. When the dogs are out she saunters back in and stretches herself out on the prewarmed dog bed to sleep. Dogs won't sleep on the bed with her on it, they just moan about it when they come back in.

Cottaging

My sadly deceased partly British Blue moggy was singlehandedly responsibly me for the decline of the local population of Water Voles. Water voles are a protected species. I work for an environmental management organisation, I should turn myself in.

The kittens have just added to their record - obtaining property by deception. They told DH they had not been fed, so he fed them again. The kittens are liars.

Murder
Torture
Fear inducing
Command ignoring
Stealing
Stealing
Stealing
Lying

Murder (the rat & mouse population is significantly reduced)

Breach of the Peace (mewling outside the bedroom door at 5am is not cool)
Trespass

Common assault (DP's toes)

Theft (turned up with a whole fish one day and also a pouch of cat food, that was unopened but not obtained on our premises )

Drug abuse (broke into the kitty cupboard and removed the catnip)

Affray / Assault / ABH / GBH (very occasionally, his moggish rivals)

Racketeering (recruited a minion cat who does what he's told or else and helps protect his patch)

Intimidation (Usually works for his moggish rivals, meaning violence is unnecessary. Also practiced on a complete arsehole's dog. I feel a little sorry for the daft dog that hasn't worked out they are actually the bigger & younger animals, but do not feel sorry for the arsehole).

He's coming up to 17 and does a wee bit more sleeping, but seems to cause just as much havoc as ever when he's out and about.

Also I'm not sure wtf crime jumping up onto an window ledge 7ft off the ground with a seagull and proceeding to decapitate it for his audience is, but I'm fairly sure it should be one.

DP suggests I should add Fraud as he continually misrepresents to one human whether the other human has actually fed him.

Perverting the course of justice - consuming the corpses of the recently murdered to hide evidence
Plus all,of the above!

I was just about to add AWOL but ginger boy just came in after 16 hours out (3 hours after curfew) smelling of cigarettes 🤔

Buggersmuddle I think that lot wins some kind of prize