Things you will never hear on EastEnders...

[madlentileater]

...oh, thanks, I'd love to come but I can't, have to look after the kids...

"Fancy a cup of tea at the Caff?"
"Nah - can't afford it - why don't you come to mine"

it's no good I can't concentrate here in the caff I'll go and do my revision in the library

a few ups and downs, but look at us now - 30 years of marriage, neither of us has strayed. i love you/.

Listen, I made a mistake, it was really silly of me, I hope you'll understand if I tell you the whole truth

"Yes, I know he's nearly 3 but I love breastfeeding so much"

you know what, this letter/dvd/tape that will rip apart a family and destroy lives should not just be thrown in the (empty) bin. lets shred/scratch/rip it instead.

Hallo? Police? Phil Mitchell of the Queen Victoria Public House, Walford...there's a fight brewing in the bar, can you come please before it gets out of hand?

"I can't find a job within walking distance of my home. I'm happy to commute to Luton every day."

'I never use a laudrette because I have my own washing machine'

Pat Evans ' I'm just off to the gym'

Dot 'just adjusting my nicotine patch'

"No a cuppa won't make it all better"

"did you see Corrie last night?"

Maybe I am rushing in to this wedding, perhaps we should just wait and see

I think perhaps I am drinking at the Queen Vic too often

You're going to move to Manchester?
Well it's only 2 1/2 hrs on the train, so I'm sure we'll see each other loads!

"Hmm I'm not sure it's a good idea to leave the children with the 90 year old, slighty batty, sherry addicted chain smoker"

A picnic in Epping Forest?
How lovely!

yes, even the family who have moved away are coming to the wedding/funeral.

Is that organic bacon in that buttie Ian?

Make mine an earl grey.

"oooh I like your blouse, is it Boden?"

you will never hear people called by their entire name, only vile abbreviations:

Tan
whit
Phil
Arn'ee Peg
Rox
Ron
and so forth.Drives me maaaaad, them faaaaaaaaaaaamerleeeeeeeez.

"Oh yes the wedding/birth/funeral/party was great, totally stress free!"

oh, and the worst ones are:

Stace

Bradders.

vomit emoticon.

Yes, I'm the new GP, do come and see me at the surgery, we won't really bump into each other as I live in the next borough.

God, no we can't discuss anything here, it's far too public.

"No the Man/Woman im seeing has never even visted Walford let alone lived here and he/she is deffinatley not married/engaged!"