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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS's girlfriend is having an abortion tomorrow . . .

35 replies

sillybesom · 06/06/2010 20:30

and her mother doesn't know . . . She and DS are both 17, have been "together" for 3 years and hope to go to Uni together next September. She is lovely, we get on really well. Apparently, her mother "will kill her". DS and girlfriend have been using condoms for the past year (since both turned 16) but obviously one has failed. What to do? Both are upset but feel abortion is the only option. I think her mum should know but can't tell without permission.

OP posts:
HurleySatOnMe · 06/06/2010 20:32

I expect she will tell her mum in the following days. I understand your feelings, but it would be a huge betrayal of trust for you to be the one to tell her mother

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 06/06/2010 20:33

Blimey, what a predicament. You can't tell. You can only support her and persuade her that despite it all, her mum will get over it/still love her & that it would be better if this wasn't a secret she has to keep from her mum.

But this is your grandchild. How do you feel?

jooseyfruit · 06/06/2010 20:34

she'll tell her mum when she's ready.

just be there for the pair of them.
x

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 06/06/2010 20:34

Agree. You can't tell her mum, but what an awful position for you to be in. How is your DS holding up?

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 06/06/2010 20:35

It's good that they felt able to tell you.

Pancakeflipper · 06/06/2010 20:35

I think you don't tell the mother. Offer good support to them and offer help/ advice etc. They need that.

I should think having an abortion is heartbreaking and I doubt either won't be haunted of this at point in their futures. But it's their decision and they will need some solid support. Sounds like that's your role.

HurleySatOnMe · 06/06/2010 20:39

SLTS, what bollocks, 'this is your grandchild, how do you feel.'
How she feels is irrelevant. It's not her choice, or her body. Or even her grandchild. It is a potential life, not a cooing baby.

Original poster
sillybesom · 06/06/2010 20:47

I'm obviously pleased that they have confided in me but very unhappy that the girl's mother is unaware. Girlfriend is an only child and her parents, although lovely, would be devastated over this. I have always been very open about sex with DS and have told him that it's natural to want a physical relationship with his girlfriend but it's important to use contraception. They have used contraception and it's failed . . . I can only offer support (I am taking her to the clinic tomorrow) but I wish I could persuade her to tell her mum. Shit . . . The only good thing about this is that they have told me it won't change their relationship, they still love each other . . .

OP posts:
Disenchanted3 · 06/06/2010 20:49

If they don't want the baby then her mother knowing won't make any difference to that.

You have no right to tell her.

Missus84 · 06/06/2010 20:56

If she doesn't want her mum to know, then you need to respect that. If I had an abortion I wouldn't tell my mum either.

Original poster
sillybesom · 06/06/2010 21:01

I won't tell her mum. I hardly know her. I just wish DS's girlfriend could confide in her.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 06/06/2010 21:04

If her mother doesn't know, and you're taking her to the clinic, just be careful about her mum throwing screaming wobbly when she finds out that not only did you know, but were 'an accomplice'. Not that I think she would be right, and the girlfriend has every right not to tell her mother (I certainly never would have at 17, my mother is prehistoric in her views). But the mother, feeling hurt, might take it out on you.

I hope everything goes well for her tomorrow.

ShellingPeas · 06/06/2010 21:04

Don't tell her mother.

I had an abortion when I was 18 (way back in the 80s) and I have never told my parents. They wouldn't have understood back then and wouldn't have offered the support I needed - instead I would have had a tide of judgement poured upon my shoulders which really wouldn't have helped.

I expect your DS's girlfriend has a pretty good idea of how her parents will react so it is up to her to decide whether or not to inform them.

Partyofsevensoontobeeight · 06/06/2010 21:06

i can only imagine what this will do to your relationship with the girls mother (assuming you all get on), i agree it is their choice but i would not be happy for my daughters, boyfriends, mother to know and take her to the clinic without my knowledge.

it is very sad that she feels she can't talk to her mother feel sorry for all of you hope it all goes ok.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2010 21:07

I wouldn't tell her mother.

I would make damn sure she got some more reliable conception, too. An implant, for example.

Partyofsevensoontobeeight · 06/06/2010 21:09

x posted with annie, i would be the wobbly throwing mother, but more so because i wouldn't have been there to support my daughter. having a ds17 and 4 girls i hope i don't find myself on either side.

coderrooo · 06/06/2010 21:10

GOOD For her imo

serenity · 06/06/2010 21:10

I had a termination at 17. My family knew (and would have supported us no matter what we decided) DH's parents would have gone apeshit, and my MIL in particular would have been heartbroken. It wasn't what we needed to deal with at the time or since.

She knows her parents, and while you think her mother should know, it's her decision whether or not to tell her not yours. Don't try and persuade her, it's just more pressure at a time when she really doesn't need it.

helloalll · 06/06/2010 21:11

I also had an abortion at 19 and wouldn't have dreamed of telling my Mum. We had/have a good relationship and she would probably have been OK about it but I was at Uni and just wanted to get it all sorted. Was also contraceptive failure and I have never felt guilty or ever regretted it for one second and in fact pretty much forgot it ever happened.
She might just want to forget all about it and the fewer people that know may be the best for her. Good that they can both discuss it with you though.

usualsuspect · 06/06/2010 21:12

that she can't talk to her own mum ... but its her decision

BessieBoots · 06/06/2010 21:13

Oh dear. What a horrible situation for you. I know this probably won't mean much to you coming from a total stranger, but you sound like a fantastic mother who has nurtured a brilliant DS. He must think the world of you to have told you. Accidents do happen- I hear of them on here all the time- And you are being so wonderful and supportive.

2old4thislark · 06/06/2010 21:15

Shellingpeas
Good advice IMHO. Well, what I was thinking anyway. I would never have been able to tell my parents if it'd happened to me.

At least she has the OP to help her.

PlumSykes · 06/06/2010 21:17

I was in similar situation to her when 18, about to go to uni etc. Had abortion, told one friend plus DP (now DH, 15 yrs later). Would never have told my mum, she still doesn't know, and never will.

You are doing just the right thing by looking after her, and respecting her desire for privacy/secrecy. You are a good mum, and will make a great MIL.

Original poster
sillybesom · 06/06/2010 21:41

Thank you for the support. I am just very sad for DS's girlfriend - she is so lovely and she and DS have done the right thing by using condoms, it is just a pity that they have failed . . . She is in the very early stages of pregnancy so I hope that the procedure will not be too traumatic. And if she can't tell her mum I hope she knows that I will support her.

OP posts:
coderrooo · 06/06/2010 21:49

I think it is what it is. Don't over think it. Caitlin moran once wrote a really good piece on abortion youightcwsnt to print out. Would link but am on iPhone In the times.

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