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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16year dd sex not happy

40 replies

toomuchempathy · 26/11/2008 19:17

Am pretty sure 16 dd has has sex for first time. ( sorry, another diary reader- just too tempting)am rather disappointed in her as she has had plenty of chance to mention the fact but when subject of being on own with boyfriend is mentioned ( we have never been happy with this but how do you stop it ) is still saying we have to trust her and she is not stupid ,ok but although hopefully used condom is not on the pill and i feel betrayed that she has not admitted it despite ample opportunity . I want her to go on pill to be really safe but how can i approach this if she is too scared to tell me. thought i had had enough discussion with her to avoid this & feel she has been presurised a bit by boyfriend 17 , wish she had waited another year or so but seems the norm these days ?

OP posts:
littleboyblue · 26/11/2008 19:21

I don't think it'd be a case that she's frightened to talk to you, probably just embarassed, I was. I didn't tell my parents for years that I was having sex.
It is a difficult time I think, especially now that they are doing it so much younger these days.
Can't give you a parents point of view because I don't have teenagers, but I was always too embarassed to bring the subject up with my mum.

subtlemouse · 26/11/2008 19:25

Still haven't told mine - tho I guess DS is a bit of a giveaway...

Original poster
toomuchempathy · 26/11/2008 19:30

yes thanks , hadn't occured to me but prob very true - still feeling rather cross !!

OP posts:
Maveta · 26/11/2008 19:31

my mum was convinced I was having sex well before i was and insisted i go on the pill just in case, why don´t you just say you appreciate she has her right to privacy (which btw she does - don´t read her diaries!!!!) but that you would ask her to go on the pill to give you (and her) peace of mind. That way when she does start to have sex (emphasising that it can obviously happen when you are least expecting it), no need to let on you invaded her privacy and risk her losing trust in you, she and you can feel safe that she is protected from pregnancy. And she doesn´t have to come to you with a big announcement.

For god´s sake please stress the importance of continuing to use condoms though. I was a bit lacklustre re. condoms when i was a teenager and got the hpv virus which can cause cervial cancer. Subsequently had all sorts of probs with abnormal smears, pre cancerous cells and biopsys, laperoscopies etc etc. A total mare and totally preventable. IMO pregnancy is the main thing parents focus on with kids and not enough on the std side.

I doubt she is scared, my parents were very open about sex but I never wanted to come out and tell them i was having sex. That would be a bit weird, don´t you think? Why do you think she should tell you?

ANTagony · 26/11/2008 19:32

The other advantage of the pill is it regulates and generally lightens your periods plus you can double up so that if your on holiday/ have a special event you don't need to be on. It is really difficult to discuss these things, could you bring it up from this angle and then more casually drop in obviously if/when you do become sexually active its an extra layer of protection ontop of condoms.

My mum had the talk with me when I was 15 on hearing the news a 16year old cousin was pregnant. It consisted of sex is bad your not ever to have sex - to which I, as a flippant teenager, responded 'what not even when I'm married' to receive the response 'No its just dirty and bad don't do it ever'.

Ivykaty44 · 26/11/2008 19:32

Do you tell your dd when you and your d/p have sex? or do you think it has nothing to do with your dd? What do you want your dd to tell you exactly - sorry but sex is personel and should really stay between two consenting adults and that is exactly what she is a consenting adult as once she is 16 it is legal whther you like it or not in law she is an adult able to have sex.

I am sure you have been sensible and given her all the facts about contraception, taken her to the nurse so she knows where to go for such stuff and explained about being cheap and forced through pressure to have sex - now you can only sit back and let her be her own person.

StarlightMcKenzie · 26/11/2008 19:38

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choufleur · 26/11/2008 19:38

If you mention the pill and sex to her now will she have an any idea that you have read her diary? I would have been furious if my mum had read my diary at 16. Just wondering if it will do more harm than good now speaking with her about it.

Agree with Ivy - it's private. I'm 34 and guess my parents know that i have sex but i still don't want to talk to them about it.

llareggub · 26/11/2008 19:39

I would rather have chewed my own toenails than tell my mother about having sex. Why on earth would she want to do this?

I can't understand why you think it is OK to read her diary. This is a huge breach of trust and I hope for your sake she never finds out that you've done this.

Can't you open a general conversation with her about sex and contraception without leaving it up to her to raise it?

I'm not sure that I'd rate the pill personally as contraception of choice, I'd certainly not recommend it to others.

hercules1 · 26/11/2008 19:41

I would never have discussed my sex life with my mother when I was 16

Original poster
toomuchempathy · 26/11/2008 19:41

thanks maveta, points taken, Think its because she knows my view is to take pill & use condoms ( she knows I too had problems re abnormal smears etc) ( with boy not necssarily knowing re pill ) is the only 'safe' way to have sex thaT I Thought she would be sensible enough to deal with this before hand but then she is only 16.5. !!felt she would wait for a bit longer so bit disappointed in her, she has enough going on without even more potential emotional upset to deal with . breakups always seem to happen near exams !

OP posts:
Original poster
toomuchempathy · 26/11/2008 19:46

thanks for messages, think i still felt she is a child and not a legal adult. and old fashioned enough to feel that sex could have waited a bit longer.......... and when still at school and dependant on parents for lifts, £, etc we still have some say in her life.... maybe not....

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StarlightMcKenzie · 26/11/2008 19:50

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poshwellies · 26/11/2008 19:59

Oh and you shouldn't of read her diary-my mum read mine and blew my trust away.

Ivykaty44 · 26/11/2008 19:59

toomuch empathy - we know she is still your little girl, but when you wern't looking she grew up

Just remember you have brought her up well - so have a little faith in your own ability to have done the job right Your dd must though make her own choices and they may not be what you want her to decide - but that is not for you to decide it is her life.

Original poster
toomuchempathy · 26/11/2008 20:03

do most people think it is ok to have sex at 16 ?

OP posts:
ANTagony · 26/11/2008 20:05

I think its a bit young. They're not ready to deal with the consequence. I also think you're right if under your roof and reliant on you for finance they need to be tolerant as a young adult of your beliefs. As you as the parent of a young adult get to be tolerant of their taste in clothes, friends, music etc.

Its a game of mutual respect surely?

poshwellies · 26/11/2008 20:09

The thing is you won't stop it-whether you feel it's right or not,you just have to arm them with information on risks of sex (ie condom wearing).You may not like it but I'm afraid, it's part of becoming a adult.

StarlightMcKenzie · 26/11/2008 20:16

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Maveta · 26/11/2008 20:22

i can appreciate as a parent it seems too young. I first had sex when i was 14 my parents would be mortified to find that out. although I didn´t do it again until i was 17. I kind of think from my own experiences that it´s really not that big a deal. It´s just sex. It´s important that they feel loved, that they can trust the person they are doing it with and that they WANT to do it but beyond that.. I found out myself that I felt too young, that I wasn´t ready but at 17 I did feel ready. I was totally not scarred or damaged by the earlier experience, just didn´t like it!

My mum let my boyfriend (at 17/18) stay over but as I had a younger sister in the house she just said, without any more detail, that she wanted never wanted my little sister to catch us in the same bed. We might have had the odd ´messing around´ cuddles but we never had sex in their house, we both really appreciated the trust and the way they treated us like adults. I do appreciate not all teenagers would do the same.

TBH it´s kind of irrelevant that you think it is too young, legally it isn´t. You can ask that she doesn´t do it under your roof but thats about it.

LittlePeanut · 26/11/2008 20:50

I first had sex at 15 which I know is too young. I felt pressured by my boyfriend who told me that his last girlfriend had done it with him. When I dumped him 4 years later he admitted he had made that up, and he had also been a virgin.

My point is, I didn't tell my mum. I have never discussed my sex life with my mum - why on earth would anyone want to? But I was brought up well, I was sensible, went on the pill and always used condoms. I have only ever slept with one other man since that first boyfriend, and that's my DH.

So it is not the end of the world that she is having sex at 16. As long as she's sensible, this is unlikely to ruin her life. She is just growing up. Give her some room. And how can you have a relationship with mutual trust when you are reading her diary? That's just plain wrong.

Ivykaty44 · 26/11/2008 21:20

It has been deemed legal at 16, probably due to the fact that you can get married at 16, therefore it would be a tad silly to get married and not be able to consumate the marriage. So regardless of what I think it is deemed to be legal and appropriate. I would choice to wait but that would be my own choice and I would not force my views on you or anyone else.

The laws were changed about the age of marriage in 1929 - when up till then girls could get married in England and Wales at the age of 12 and boys 14. it was changed to be 16 for both sexes, with parental consent and 18 without consent of the parent.

Hulababy · 26/11/2008 21:25

I would never have discussed my sex life with my parents when I was a teenager. I am 35y now and still haven't discussed it.

Don't read her diaries though - it isn't fair on her.

As for is it oay to have sex at 16y. Yes, quite young still but it is legal. Whether it is right or not - depends on circumstances a lot. I was 17y when I first had sex but it was with a long term boyfriend - who is now my DH!

VerifiedLU4097 · 28/11/2008 14:40

Sometimes when I read this stuff it feels like parents were 'born' at 30. What were you like as a teenager? Its still vividly in my mind, so you must be able to remember as well. I'm 30 and I still don't talk to my mother about sex!! Its none of her business! she must know I do it, as I am married, but she has no idea when I lost my virginity- 18 (or at least I don't think she does). She always used to call it intercourse, which made it sound dreadfully practical and biological. How would you have felt if your diary was read when you were a teen?

she's 16, at the age of consent and hopefully you have her clued up about contraception/STIs. I'd thoroughly recommend leaving it at that.

Colditz · 28/11/2008 14:45

It's not the norm these days, it's been the norm sinse time began. And when I was 16 wild horses would not have endured me to talk to my mother about having sex with my boyfriend - and by 16 I had been on the pill for 2 years without her knowledge.

I know she's your baby girl etc but she's old enough to get married and move out and start a family. You can't feel betrayed by her not telling you something you have absolutely no right to know about.