16year dd sex not happy

[toomuchempathy]

Am pretty sure 16 dd has has sex for first time. ( sorry, another diary reader- just too tempting)am rather disappointed in her as she has had plenty of chance to mention the fact but when subject of being on own with boyfriend is mentioned ( we have never been happy with this but how do you stop it ) is still saying we have to trust her and she is not stupid ,ok but although hopefully used condom is not on the pill and i feel betrayed that she has not admitted it despite ample opportunity . I want her to go on pill to be really safe but how can i approach this if she is too scared to tell me. thought i had had enough discussion with her to avoid this & feel she has been presurised a bit by boyfriend 17 , wish she had waited another year or so but seems the norm these days ?

And jeez louise you read her diary and you feel betrayed?! That's appalling!

I was 14 when I had sex for the first time, I would not have discussed it with my parents I think you are being really harsh to think badly of her, she is over legal age and when would you have been ok with it, when she left school or university.

Out of interest how old were you when you lost your virginity, toomuch empathy, and did you tell your parents?

I still haven't told my parents that I'm having sex. I think my Dad is labouring under the illusion that I'm a virgin (despite DD being ample evidence) - I'm not going to disillusion him so why would your daughter?

I'm presuming your given her the safe-sex talk. If so, leave well alone, just make sure she knows that you are there if she wants to talk.

And STOP reading her diary! I wouldn't be at all suprised if she'd guessed that you read it.

How would you like it if she red your diary - or even your posts on MN?

another one here who had sex at age 16 (am not in 40s). Waited till the legal age of consent so could get contraception.

Would not have dreamt of discussing it with my mother.

I hope I am alot more open and less judgemental with my DSs but still would not necessarily expect them to tell me when they did it.

ExH who is positively ancient lost his when he was 13!!

sorry I am in my 40s

As a girl roughly your daughters age (15) i'd like to say informing us of all the risks pushed us further in.

I was forever being told about STI's and teen pregnancy's and yes i did end up pregnant even though i had used the matchstick contraceptive in my arm. It's only 95% effective so i do not recommend it but my elder sister had side effects from The Pill including putting on weight.

Every girl her age is having sex, it's a fact of life. You shouldn't feel to dissappointed about not knowing. It is an awkward subject to talk about especcially with your mum.

I would say just blurt it out one day, make it seem your not that bothered about her being sexually active and coperate with her in order for her to agree to go on The Pill, she'll want to feel in control as though it was her decision.

And seriously reading her diary is beyond low.

My dd is 15.5 and doesn't keep a diary - so I don't know how tempted I would be!

She had a boyfriend for around 18 months who was nearly two years older than her, and I spoke openly to them both about sex, and the fact that I felt that she was too young - in the middle of a film or whatever - rather than in a 'serious talk' environment. This was based on the fact that I knew he had had sex with a previous girlfriend, and I suspected was putting her under pressure.

I do actually believe dd, who tells me that she is sensible, and that I should trust her. Although haven't we all said that?

Her current boyfriend is closer to her age, although again, I know that he had a sexual relationship with his previous girlfriend.

Although I would love dd to remain virginal white until her 30's, I know it is not going to happen! I have been thinking about saying to her that although she knows I think she is too young (actually I mean immature!!), if she does think that sex is on the cards, we need to look at contraception. I also intend to suggest that if she is uncomfortable in doing this with me, she could either talk to a friend who is a GP, or her cousin who is in her 20's.

I don't want details of my kids personal lives, but I do want to protect them as far as I can, even if this means accepting things I don't like.

I must admit toomuchempathy, I would be a little sad that dd had felt able to talk to me, although I can understand why it could happen.

thanks for messages and tellings off !! point taken although not her real diary - just a booklet she puts odd things in so didn't feel tooooo bad but is really so ok'will stop . and my mum did read my diary but i knew so put anything dodgy in code (which i now cannot read !!)Also gave me a five year diary with one key.took me years to realise that they came with Two keys ! And pleny of mums i know do look at phones, MSN messages ect ... not that it makes it right. However when a dd is still very dependant on parents despite being of age ect ect it is us who will have to pick up the pieces if things go wrong so still have some input to her behaviour. i didn't have full sex until away from home at 18 and then got cystitis which gave it away to my mum !! too scared of pregnancy when younger despite condoms . Yes i do remember ! and thought i had better relationship as have always been open about need for contraception ect ,

Hi there toomuchempathy, I posted this on another thread, but have copied it here. I understand how you feel, it's a combination of shock (at what your DD is doing), guilt (for looking at her private information) and concern (about her protecting herself physically and emotionally).

I have just discovered (in DD2s room) a leaflet about the morning after pill, advice about the pill and some condoms. She is 15 and has been with her boyfriend for about 3 months.

My experience from DD1 is not to confront her directly as this makes her angry that I have been "snooping" - which I have, and only results in her becoming secretive. Instead I use the knowledge to start a conversation on a relevant topic.

I am a bit shocked about DD2, but I have to put that aside because it is not helpful. She is in the midst of the HPV virus injections at school so I will use that opportunity to have a discussion with her about responsible sex, avoiding STDs etc.

I have been clear with her and her boyfriend that when they stay here they must sleep in separate rooms, and when she stays at his house I speak to his parents to reinforce the same.

I have little choice but to accept that DD2 is probably having a sexual relationship, but I will not condone it in my house, and at the same time I have a responsibility to make sure she is safe.

It's a minefield!

Another one here who had sex when I was 16. Wanted to- didn't feel I was bowing to any pressure, I was with a boyfriend in a fairly settled relationship (even if only having been together a couple of months before doing the deed) and we were sensible about contraception. I didn't tell my Mum at the time, but even without reading my diary I think she suspected it. Luckily my Mum and I are/were very close and she managed to broach the subject gently, saying that she was glad to see me so happy with my boyfriend, and that if I ever wanted to talk to her about anything she was always there etc etc. I found myself telling her as it was a relief to share it with her- she was actually pleased for me as as she said her worst fear had been casual sex ("on the back of a bus or something!"). And she trusted I was being sensible and instead just chatted about various contraceptions she'd used and her experiences with them. From that point forth I knew if I felt I needed advice I could talk openly to her. Incidentally once I turned 17 she would allow my boyfriend to stay over in my room- as she said she'd rather we had sex in a safe environment than elsewhere- I know this is very contentious (even more so it seems for fathers) and I'm sure I will struggle with this when my DD is that age but I hope to keep in mind how I felt at the time- I really did feel mature enough to "handle it" and wanted to go that extra step in a relationship.

Hope you manage to talk to your DD gently and let her open up to you if she's ready to.