Help - Teenage parties - would you let yours host one and what guidelines would you suggest?

[JustineMumsnet]

Help! We've been asked by BBC Newcastle whether allowing older teens to host a party (with you off the premises) is a parental rite of passage. Is this right and if so how can you ensure they don't end up being drink-and-drug induced carnage?

I'm not quite at the teens stage and can only call on my own experience, which rather leads me to err towards the "over my dead body" school of thought re hosting a teen party, but maybe I'm wrong?

Luckily we live out in the sticks so it's never happened. DD has now left home and hosts parties in her own student accommodation and does her own cleaning up.

DS is 17 and hates parties (at the moment).

Every party I went to from the age of 13 onwards involved lots of alcohol, vomiting, some drugs, somebody always lost their virginity, someone else usually locked themself in the loo threatening suicide, there was usually a fight, the house was trashed and most people paired up in marathon snogging sessions and communal fingering - I am never allowing a situation where my kids could host a party in my house

we have let dd have 2 parties

the first ,on her b'day which is NYE when she was 15.
SHe was only allowed to invite 20 people and not allowed to tell the whole world.W
e were ensconced in neighbours ready to pounce if needed.
Dh stayed sober....er I did not

We supplied one bacardi breezer per person but of course they all brought stuff secretly which is hard to police without being at the door al the time

Biggest problem was uninvited guests as it was NYE and everyone looking for a party dh dealt with them.Otherwise it was fine.It may not have been if we were not close by to help though.

The next yr we stayed upstairs while she had another party,was fine other than a few vomiting teens but overall no problem

DD found both quite stressful and wouldn't want another one...thank god!

Without the parents in situ?

Over my dead body.

Never, ever , ever.

I work with teenagers. I love them to bits. But trust them in my house, with my stuff and ilicit booze? Not until hell freezes over.

It isn't that they are wilfully awful, because most of them are not. But people get pissed and stupid and they the silly bugger will think it is funny that the TV gets smashed, or the sofa ruined. But I wouldn't think it funny, one little bit, so better to ban it!

DH says No and NO, in response to thread title.
I say yes, if parents are in the house, no smoking in the house and parents answering door to make sure invitees only.

Never! Only because I know how badly behaved I was as a teenager, despite the butter wouldnt melt front for the parents. Hell would freeze over first.

I suppose I would hire a venue for an eighteenth or somesuch, but no way anything in my home. Ever.

one could argue getting drunk on cheap cider and puking in your hair at someone elses house is a rightof passage.

thats cool - my teens can puke over someone elses hard earned worldly goods, becuase it will be a cold day in hell before i am stupid enought to 'trust' a teenager with all my worldy goods and personal and private posessions.

I remember being at a house in my teens, the lads did unmentionable things to the rather large (and must have been expensive) box of tampax that belonged to the lady of the house.

i will not have strange boys touching my...my....things!

i think some parents are a bit thick, maive just doesn't cover it.

I'm with custardo. I did some terrible to / in other people's houses when I was a teen. I wasn't wild or malicious - just pissed and 15. there is NO WAY I'd let DS have a party in my house. I say let them trash the church hall - JOKE

My elder sister was allowed to have an 18th birthday party...I wasn't, which says a lot about the state of the house after her party.

TBH I wouldn't ever host a party for more than 6-8 teens. Any more than that, and I'd hire a venue (maybe splitting the cost with other parents) and let someone else deal with the mess and hidden bottles everywhere the next day.

it'll be a cold day in hell before we do -as custardo says there is a group element of rather disgusting pack animals here- if your own dc aren't doing what you'd rather they weren't , his mates (or rather random tag alongs are)

have had several incidents where dss invites mates over where we were out (not quite a party but bad enough - there is nothing quite as horrible as not being entirely confident that some scabby teen boy has slept in your bed)

I'd also add to teenspirits list that there will always be a teenage girl crying somewhere (usually locked in the loo)

I've survived three teenagers (one more to go!) and they most definitely have not been allowed parties without an adult there. You're onto a hiding to nothing if you let that happen, imo. Even with an adult present, it can be hard to keep tabs on exactly who's who and to weed out any interlopers/illegal substances. And someone needs to be on watch for 'ill' guests.

My ds1 was a total party animal from the age of 15. Half the parties he went to seemed to end in either a police raid or an ambulance being called.

With us not in the house? Never! My parents let me have an 18th at home, with them there and I still managed to get hideously drunk on rum and black and throw up everywhere. Tbh I was probably the worst behaved person there.

And I shudder to think of what we got up to at parties where generous/naive/mad parents went out and left us to it.

my eldest had an 18th at home, not a lot of teens wee there - it was november - e put up lights and a gazebo thing, the garden was wrecked. glad it wasn't inside, and still two strange lads were popping to the loo rather too often.

that house was rented - i wouldnt do it in this house - its mine!

and to add -we were there too with three other adults.

I kind of liked the way a nieghbour did it this summer.

They have 3 teenage girls. They went out for Dinner and left the eldest in charge of the middle one whose birthday party it was.

We anticipated drunken teenagers all over the place but they were really good. They knew the parents were coming home later so it stayed quite calm yet they had a few hours to themselves. They had beer and soft drinks laid on but also food first (BBQ).

Apparently they all went home at about 4am but we heard nothing!

Perhaps they are all the nice kids in the town

For DD's 17th, I stayed upstairs all evening with my laptop, (on MN, of course!) - they had Foster's & a few Bacardi breezers, but they mostly drank Coke. The only one who got drunk enough to throw up was the one who came from a strict family & wasn't usually allowed alchohol - and even he managed to do it in the sink...
They were reasonably quiet & went outside to smoke. If they broke anything, they did it quietly and disposed of the remains without us noticing. The main inconvenience was stepping over the recumbent bodies in the living room next morning, as most of them didn't stir until midday.

On her 18th, we had a meetup of DH's Captain Scarlet forum group with people coming from Newcastle & Wales, so we booked in to the same hotel, which was in the next town. DD & her boyfriend spent the afternoon moving all my ornaments upstairs & putting up a gazebo in the garden for the smokers. When we got back next afternoon, the clean-up was fairly advanced, total damage was one broken plate and the post of the garden umbrella (which was my fault because it had been left outside all winter & was rotten - it was broken before the party when DD's boyfriend was trying to move it to safety) I asked the neighbours whether the party had disturbed them - one lot said it was fine, the other said 'What party?'...

I don't know if I've just been lucky, or whether DD just appreciates the fact that I trust her & responds well to it.

No no no no nooooo. Don't ever go there. DS1 is 21, DD 19 - and I have never knowingly allowed a teenage party. It helps if you live next door to an insane witch who will call the police at the drop of a hat - but neither DC seems traumatised by the lack of a house party here. DSs 2 & 3 won't get one either. I like my house and I want to keep liking it.

Best new house party fun apparently is to raid the kitchen cupboards and lob flour/pasta around the house. Just say no.

NO NO and thrice NO

no no no never

last year before we moved - we were neighbours to a rather stuck up ] couple and their very precious - privately educated only daughter

late one saturday night -i kept heariing comings and goings but thought nothing of it

around 11pm i heard a teen girl on the phone in the garden sounding stressed
i went out and asked her what was wrong.she said 'nothing' and was very sweet and polite but i pressed her and she caved in and said her friends were ill

i grabbed dp and went round. there was vomit all over the hall carpet. the house was three storeys and basically these was a vomiting (barely clad) teenage girl on each

dp got very nervous as the girls were in just bras on top although clad below! the house was totally carpeted and we spent the next two hours cleaning sick out of hair and carpets - dragging girls round the house to loos and beds

cleaning them up - feeding them 2 paracetamol and putting them to bed with water and sick bowls

we then washed their sicked on clothes in the machine

during this time a gang (like 10) boys turned up obviously intending to 'party' so i had to politely escort them out of the house!

at one point one of the girls pulled down her pants to do a wee ON another one who was vomitting in the loo! the joys!

leaving was a worry as i did not like the idea of them alone in the house but did not 'know' them at all so already felt odd about the situation i found myself in...

i was glad to be able to help so much and WISH someone would some ay help my teen like this - any way i digress

in answer to op - gawd no - never

No!

We stayed upstairs for DD's 17th, and she came up to us for assistance when some uninvited idiots arrived and wanted to come in, and also when some of her drunken friends wanted to run around outside. (DD doesn't drink yet herself).

We have her 18th looming and still not decided what to do - but seeing the state many of her friends get into at these parties, it won't be here!

I would be on the premises and would frisk everyone for booze as they came in and throughout the evening.

My parents stayed upstairs for most of mine I think. They didn't make me tell my friends that, but I told everyone upstairs was out of bounds anyway. I knew in the back of my head I had to control things or they would come down and embarass me!
Yes people did throw up, snog lots of people in one night & have sex in the bathroom (I know of 3 that lost their virginity in there). I was responsible for any damage/cleaning.
I would never, ever go out and leave teenagers to it!

Thanks everyone - as per your posts I put forward the "Over my dead body" view with convinction .