Help - Teenage parties - would you let yours host one and what guidelines would you suggest?

[JustineMumsnet]

Help! We've been asked by BBC Newcastle whether allowing older teens to host a party (with you off the premises) is a parental rite of passage. Is this right and if so how can you ensure they don't end up being drink-and-drug induced carnage?

I'm not quite at the teens stage and can only call on my own experience, which rather leads me to err towards the "over my dead body" school of thought re hosting a teen party, but maybe I'm wrong?

I've just had my daughters 16th at home , but not quite in the house, I factored in one Biccardi Breezer or can of cider each. They held it in our studio at end of garden, this is my daughters space so in her interest that they didn't wreck the place. They all had to use the upstairs bathroom , whilst I sat on my bed on my laptop watching them make their way upstairs. I had to send one lad home- he was drunk on arival but apart from that they were all pretty good. Having looked at the bottles there was other booze brought in but they all seemed to have taken it quietly throughout the evening. The rule was that I could go in at any time and remove anything I wished - I didn't need too although I did stick my head around the door frequently. The smokers smoked outside. The only thing to be broken was the loo seat by one rather large lad!
I have said not another until she's 18 though.

Over my dead body too. DS1 went to a few at other people's large properties and they all involved a lot of drinking/spiking drinks/vomit and low scale damage. I do know of parties where the police have been called in because the party boy or girl had allowed details to be advertised around.
They can wait until they get to university and spend freshers week in a total stupor.

I think a nice sleepover with two selected friends might about meet the case, thank you.

We let DS1 and DD1 have parties in the guesthouse, its over the top of a 4 car garage and there's basically a bathroom, 2 bedrooms and a living area/kitchenette etc, tbh I'd rather they had them at my house because then I know mine won't get too drunk or do anything ridiculous as the KNOW mum and dad are just next door ready to pootle over unannounced (we do) to check. Yes, there's always someone who's sick but DS and DD know its their responsibility to clean that up though so far the drunken teen who was sick has done it in the morning (most 'crash' overnight)
We provide alcohol so they know there's going to be drinks so most don't bring any, hence there's less to go around than if they all brought 2 litres of absolut...

And ultimately I'd rather they do anything stupid while living at home with me and their dad around than on the freshers when they know no-one and are 100s of miles from home...

with us OFF the premises? "over my dead body".

When we were on holiday DD (15)had a party even though we had forbidden it (she was staying with her grandparents and was supposed to be at a friends house that night!).

We were furious - the whole incident damaged the trust between us for a long time - and DD said she was really scared. It apparently got out of control with too many people, too many people drunk, and she couldn't stop people from going into our bedroom or her sisters bedroom (Yuk! - we changed the sheets at 2am when we got back off a long haul flight).

I would never encourage parents to go out and let their DC have a party - teenagers just can't control what others may do.

Continued from previous post...

Forgot to say that a lamp got knocked over and broken, fell against some books which started to smolder. Luckily someone noticed the smell before the fire really got going. It could all have been so much worse.

we must be odd parents, we often go away overnight and let dd have friends over, the worst that has happened os far is one lad peeing over the floor in the downstairs loo - perhaps we are just lucky that dd has fairly decent friends that know what level of behaviour is expected in our house.

we came home last sunday to find a box full of bottles ready for recyling, one girl hoovering, one lad filling the dishwasher and dd nagging her bf about the fag ends in a flower pot outside. they all had hangovers, had eaten 2 loaves of bread, 2 packets of bacon, 4 pizzas and garlic bread and used all my bloody tea-bags.

all said thank you, adn apart from a depleated fridge i would'nt have known they had been here.

btw - all those who say no, over my dead body, exactly where are these kids supposed to go? out on the streets to annoy other people etc?

Jesus-I agree with you ,regulalry leave dd and she has her friends round...never had any serious problems at all.

ggirl - lets hope we haven't been to smug too early

My older DCs both had parties for their 17th. We went out for most of the evening but came back and barracaded selves upstairs for the first one. There was general drunkeness and one vomiting (which DD dealt with). Some girls were drunk before even getting to our house and had to be picked by stony faced parents apparently before the party started.

The second one, I was away (good move there), but DH and DD oversaw. Again minor vomiting and girl had to be put to bed in DS2's bed (not with him! he got removed and put somewhere else).

However, wasn't generally TOO bad. Worst thing was someone had brought Celebration chocs or whatever and found hundreds of those ground into carpet. Never got them out and had to replace carpet in end! (was small room and old carpet though).

Agree with poster who said at least you know where they are. Don't fancy doing it again for a long while though. DS2 only 12 so can stave it off for a bit.

Am going to go back and read thread but thought I would comment first as this is something very close to my heart at the moment.

My (eldest) DD turns 16 on Saturday and is having a party. Me and her father are separated (going through a divorce at the moment - not relevant) and he is having all 3 children on Friday night (as per normal) so DD can wake up at his house on her birthday morning. The plan is that I am then going to meet him early on Saturday as my son has a football match which he doesn't want to miss and then am going to get my eldest DD back about 1 ish so we can go food (and drink - for me ) shopping and prepare the party food. When I meet to get DD back he will pick up DS and have the two youngest on Saturday night as well (they are 11 and 7).

I have been invited to a 40th party on Saturday night for a very good friend of mine (have known him since I was 15 or so - actually I think he came to my 16th) and agreed to go before I knew that my DD wanted a party.

I was thinking of attending friends 40th for a while and then coming home at a 'fairly' decent time (say 10.30/11.00) but, after thinking about that, I have decided that I am foregoing attending the 40th because I do not want my DD to have people turning up who are not invited. I feel a lot more happier being here (either in the bedroom or in the front room with door closed) while she has the run of the kitchen, hallway, back room, dining room and conservatory.

At least I will be in the house incase anything untowards happens - have told her not to post anything about her party on Facebook!

I have laid down a few ground rules:-

(1) I am not supplying alcohol - she is one of the eldest in her year although older children (although I suppose they are not 'children') are coming although I am buying her some alcohol (to be consumed in her own house with me in the vicinity).

(2) The upstairs is off limits (including the loft extension) apart from the toilet.

(3) If anyone is going to be sick, then they have to do it outside (if they can get out in time).

(4) Any unruly behaviour will not be tolerated and she will not having a party for her 18th (which she wants - albeit in a hall, more money to be paid out on my part).

I will let you know on Monday how it went!

Unfortunately, I did tell her that perhaps we could do a 'kids' party type-theme, i.e. party rings, fairy cakes, etc. but I mentioned that I used to make a wicked 'vodka' jelly and she said, "ooh, we will have some of that". I might just say it is vodka jelly but leave out the alcohol.

I think there's a difference between leaving your teens and them having friends around, and leaving them when they have a proper party though. As a teen, even a large group of friends hanging at a friends house was fairly civilised. Parties had a different atmosphere. I'd allow the first, but definitely not the second.

Now started reading thread, and NO I would not let her have the party without me (and my boyfriend - who is on the large side) being present.

She wants an Apple Mac (about £1500) for when she goes to college. She does have a computer and wants the Mac. I have told her that any damage that is caused to the house will be taken out of her 'computer' fund and I probably won't have enough money to buy the Mac.

The one 'good' thing is that I had a flood downstairs about 2 weeks ago and the flooring in the hall was badly damaged and has now been ripped out. The whole downstairs flooring goes from hallway - now taken up, into the front room, into the back room, into the dining room and into the conservatory as one continuous flow and is only about 4 months old. If anyone feels ill and can't make it into the garden, they can always fall back on the hallway floor boards!

bumblelion - i understand where you are coming from, but how far away is your friends party?, if it was quite close i would still go to the party but be home by about 1030-11ish, just to show a bit of trust etc.

Yes, I would go to 40th for a while too. Its fairly vile being trapped in room for hours on end.

Also you will be resenting not going to party and feel more evil about it.

If you go to party and come back having had some alcohol yourself you also won't feel so irritated by the the partying teenagers!

Good move to have ripped up flooring downstairs

My daughter went to a house party, but the parents stayed in the house. The parents supplied the alcohol and semi-supervised it from upstairs. But most of the time they stayed out the way and let the kids get on with it. I think that's the best way to go about it. You want to let kids be kids, which yes may involve getting drunk, but its good to have an adult around in case there is trouble.

Dd was invited to a sleepover in the Autumn Holidays.
I dropped off my innocent teen and her sleeping bag at 7, by 10pm she rang in tears. The mother who had promised me over the phone that it would be an innocent sleepover, had gone to the pub, so another girl had rang a friend .... When the mother came home, she had a full on riot with cops and condoms everywhere.
So, no. I don't think dd could cope with it. And dh would not fancy a police record.

There is no way I would do it. If I did let them have a party I would hire a hall and have lots of adults in attendance.

Only if you wish to have your house trashed by the 200 or so uninvited guests who will turn up as well... Teenage parties at home- madness! No-one in their right mind would host one.

My friend hosted her daughter's 16th at home, and swore the next day never, ever to do it again for her younger children. She is a checked social worker used to dealing with difficult teens. What she was not expecting were the extra 100 or so guests who turned up invited, laden with strong drink (at one point, noticing that her dd's guests seemed rather a lot drunker than the punch she was serving would suggest they ought to be, she decided to frisk their bags- total haul: 60 bottles, mostly vodka); she spent the evening flushing couples out of the bushes surrounding her garden (mindful of teenage pregnancy in her line of work), and had to call the guardians (boy was supposed to be staying with a friend that night) of one lad who got so paralytic he needed to have his stomach pumped in hospital.