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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

how big would you allow the age gap in a relationship between two teenagers be?

40 replies

Cynthia32 · 04/07/2008 21:52

I suppose it depends on the teenager. For example there are some 17 or 18 year olds I know that I wouldn't mind going out with my 15 year old DD. But would the fact the older one is legal and the younger one isn't worry you a lot? Do you think the fact one is legal and the other isn't means that they'd definitely have sex illegally? I just need some advice on this, and would be grateful to know what you think.

OP posts:
lexilex · 04/07/2008 22:24

im not to sure about this issue but if your dd is very sensible then she should wait until her 16th birthday, but i know that teens sometime just cant wait, it is a grey area for most, some people will say absolutly not as dd is under 16, but in reality there is no way really of stopping them if thats what they want to do, just ensure dd knows all the risks, knows to always use condoms regardless if she is taking contraception then all should be ok, and that she knows she doesnt have to do anything if she really doesnt want to, most girls who are well educated about this stuff tend to be the ones that are more careful and will wait until they are older. i hope this makes sense for you, i wish i was educated about this stuff when i was younger, i may have not made the mistake that i did. x

Anna8888 · 04/07/2008 22:25

Was talking to a friend last week whose 16 year old DD had been going out with a 21 year old man.

My friend was very relieved when it ended

beaniesteve · 04/07/2008 22:27

Depends on the maturity of both of them to be honest. If you had a son of 7 who was going out with a 15 year old how would you feel?

beaniesteve · 04/07/2008 22:28

Woops - I mean 17, NOT 7!

Uber · 04/07/2008 22:29

I had a 17 yr old boyfriend when I was 13. My parents were not charmed. He was quite immature though (I do think that's a factor...there are some boys who are still v immature despite being older than the girl) and we didn't have sex and he didn't even ask or pressure me for it.

I guess, like everything and like you said, it depends on the child.

(though I guess if my dd at 13 went out with a 17 yr old, I'd be thinking the worst!)

CasperGhost · 04/07/2008 22:43

at 15 I was going out with an 18yr old, I was far more mature than he was. When I was 17 I met dh who was 25. Again I was more mature than he was, I still am.

Original poster
Cynthia32 · 04/07/2008 22:43

Thanks for all your advice, yeah it is said that girls are on average, two years more mature than boys so I can see why there is often a two year age gap in teenage relationships. Would you hit the roof if you found out your 15 year old was having sex?

OP posts:
Heated · 04/07/2008 22:45

I don't think whether the boy is legal or not makes a whole lot of difference these days. An 18 yr old with some experience behind him can sometimes be a better bet than a 15 yr old just desperate to get his leg over. I suppose the big issue for me would be does he treat her with respect?

QuintessentialShadows · 04/07/2008 22:47

Possibly not.

There is a lot that can happen between having sexual feelings and actual intercourse. I waited with intercourse until I was sixteen. I was having sex though long before, just not intercourse.

It depends on the lenght of the relationship, and the maturity of your dd.

Quattrocento · 04/07/2008 22:50

I had an 18 year old boyfriend when I was 15.
It was lovely at the time and just what I needed.

TBH I'm not sure that allowing comes into it does it? What exactly were you suggesting by way of prevention? Gating them until they are overage?

themoon66 · 04/07/2008 22:53

DD went off to live with her 29 year old boyfriend the day after her 18th birthday. Nothing I could do.

she regrets it now, 3 years down the line. She even refers to him as 'paedo-Kev'

He traded her in for a 16 year old when DD hit 19.

Psychomum5 · 04/07/2008 22:54
jammi · 04/07/2008 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Cynthia32 · 04/07/2008 23:00

Sorry I don't mean allowing really, I just mean would you be happy with it?

OP posts:
seeker · 04/07/2008 23:00
Quattrocento · 04/07/2008 23:05

Well I guess I would have to be happy with it. I'd like to be able to have a proper and serious and not embarassing conversation about sex and STDs and condoms and stuff. I'd also like to have a proper conversation about what constitutes sex and how that can engage the same sort of emotions and responses.

Bet I won't be able to do it when the time comes though. DD is only 10 but already she cuts me off when I start getting too frank.

Original poster
Cynthia32 · 04/07/2008 23:05

When your eyes are closed, the world doesn't stop

OP posts:
Tortington · 04/07/2008 23:12

my bil and sil have a 14 yo daughter. she is going out with a 17 yo lad - he is v. immature- nice lad - they all live with me at the mo (long story) buti wouldnt be happy with that age difference.

i think 12 - 18 months is enough for me personally.

i wouldnt be best pleased if my 15 yo was to have sex - she is my girl after all - but my 15 yo is on the pill and has had her guardasil injections ( costing hundreds of pounds btw!!) she will come to me if she wants condoms i hope, but equally she isn't the type to be ashamed to go into the youth shops and pick a few up herself. - as long as he is safe, doesn't do something stupid - isn't half dressed, pissed up staggering around intown like a right slag - then i know i have pretty much done all i can do.

seeker · 04/07/2008 23:16

Yes it does, cynthia - you obviously don't hum loud enough when you do it!

Psychomum5 · 04/07/2008 23:16

but if my eyes are closed, then at least I can fool myself for a little bit longer, can I not...???

I am ok right now tho, she seems to see boys as smelly

((unless this is all a ruse and I am fooled and she does have a boyfriend))

madamez · 04/07/2008 23:18

You have to deal with it based on the kind of people the teens in question are: do they treat each other with respect, make each other happy? If so then good luck to them. If not then there still isn't a lot you can do (for centuries girls, in particular, were married off and impregnated much earlier than 16 so don't underestimate the force of biology as opposed to relatively recent social conventions) apart from keeping the lines of communication open as much as possible and being nice to the older partner even if you think he/she is vile. Because heavy-handed forbidding of relationships often backfires dreadfully - to the extent of the teenager running away from home or even some kind of attempted suicide pact.

seeker · 04/07/2008 23:24

And if you shut your eyes, put your fingers in your ears and sing "Somewhere over the Rainbow" then our dds will think boys are boring abd smelly til they are 30.
My dd met a boy she quite likes in the street last week. The conversation went like this
dd-Hi
Boy -grunt
Dd -You goin't'scouts?
Boy - yeh -you?
Dd -Yeh
Boy-cool.

We then got inot the car. Dd turns to me with a beaming smile and says "See? I can speak Boy!"

Psychomum5 · 05/07/2008 00:00

seeker....your girl does scouts too???

Amphibimum · 05/07/2008 00:05

17 or 18yos invariably, ime, are after sex if thats what youre asking. as are many other ages. and they'll do/say a lot to get it.
i dunno, 15yo girls are under a lot of sexual fire from all angles ime. if i were a mother of a 15yo dd, id be doing lots of straight talking and hoping to give her the info she needs to look after herself in the world. she needs to do the looking after herself, you need to be doing the confidence building and fact informing to allow her to make balanced, informed decisions with what life throws at her.

seeker · 05/07/2008 00:07

Yes - but I didn't realise there were....boys.....there!!!!!!! I thought it was all canoes and campfire cooking!