How do you handle a very hostile nearly 14-year-old at home?

[Booktote]

Soon to be 14yo is sullen and pouty and monosyllabic in her answers, only pleasant when she needs something, otherwise it’s side eyes, eye rolling, strong silence, sometimes just staring and not responding to questions.

It’s stressful to walk on eggshells around her, last week she turned on me before I could say more than one word in answer to a request to pick her up (from an inconvenient location during rush hour, hence the two second pause before I said ‘well…’). I have asked her to sit down with me and work things out i.e. explain what exactly i am doing to annoy her. I’d rather not pay £££ for family therapy if it can be avoided.

Her only offer is to not speak to me at all and to avoid me going forward. She says that she cannot do better than that in terms of her behaviour towards me.

I understand that she is a teenager and that’s how some of them are until they grow out of it but I don’t think this is sustainable at all. Frankly finding it disrespectful. For the next five years or whatever I am to assume the role of invisible housekeeper, cook and chauffeur in my own home? Not keen on this at all but what do I do?

Any tips on how to handle this would be most welcome. I would have loved to speak with my own mum about this but sadly lost her 8 years ago so hoping for some wisdom to be shared here…

Good Lord. Why are you allowing her to treat you this way in your own home? Have you forgotten who is the adult?

What you can do is to refuse to housekeep, cook and chauffeur. Being rude = no favours.

You could try saying to her:

That's fine. We can live like flatmates, or we can live like a family.
If we live like flatmates, you do your own cooking, washing and you get no lifts. I stop paying for anything except school requirements, which means you have no phone and no wifi. And you don't have to speak to me at all. If we live like family, you're basically polite to me, and you get all the privileges of being my child.
Your choice.

Remove her phone
permanently

I say ‘Babe, I’m sick to shite of the attitude. I’m not the hired help. I get that you’re 14 and it’s your job to test boundaries, but I’m not the punchbag here.’

ETA I have a spectacularly bad temper myself.

I wouldn’t expect a 14 yo to sit down and have a conversation to hash things out with you. They will find it very awkward and you risk losing their respect. Better to have clear boundaries and consequences for bad behaviour and follow through. Not excessively punitive tho as puberty means they have genuine ups and downs and need support. You have to show them who is boss; so don’t let them get away with treating you like sh*t. Equally, pick your battles so don’t pull them up on everything… And show you care in low key ways - kind texts, I love you when they leave the house, make them a snack, hugs if they submit to that!

For the next five years or whatever I am to assume the role of invisible housekeeper, cook and chauffeur in my own home? Not keen on this at all but what do I do?

Stop the chauffeuring for a start. Unless it's for something essential such as a medical appointment.

Does not speaking to you include not asking for money or her favourite food or snacks? See how long that lasts.

Yeah, she can whistle for any favours until she learns some basic decency and respect. And you need to teach her that.

That’s the difficulty, finding the balance between not letting her treat me like garbage and picking on everything. Right now I can’t tell her anything

Well my husband is still in her good books or at least neutral in her eyes. While he doesn’t agree with how she acts towards me it’s not happening in front of him very often! We have busy schedules and rarely overlap which is why we are talking in a triangle sometimes. I don’t always see how she is with him and vice versa

All this to say that she doesn’t depend on me for absolutely everything, and it would start world war three to have my husband side with me based only on my word, when he hasn’t seen it himself. She is tricky with him too but not quite as bad as with me. Unfortunately she is pretty clever and knows how to navigate all of this without burning all her bridges simultaneously

I agree in principle but if I made her do her own laundry and cooking, she would probably do it! And still not talk to me. It wouldn’t make her respect me or treat me any better.

What I really want is a) a relationship with her. I love her and want to guide her and help her with everything she may need these years b) to be a part of her life in the future. The thought that she’d cut me out of her life really saddens me. It’s not just about me, I want her to have a connection to my side of the family and there is only me left so if she doesn’t communicate with me she will never get to know about all the people who no doubt would have loved her, and whom she resembles.

I’ve never strived to be a ‘cool’ friend type parent, I don’t need her to love me or look up to me right now - of course I’d like that but I will settle for respect for the efforts her father and I go through on her behalf.

Sorry she is soon to be 15! Have no idea where the typos in my post came from

Tell her she’s out on her own when she turns 16/17 unless her attitude significantly improves. Plenty of teens including me never treated parents that way. And don’t be her skivvy - she must learned that you don’t get anywhere good by treating people so badly. Sounds like she needs individual therapy/ life coaching - hopefully they can help her mend her ways and get stuff off her chest.

Also you do need to find a way to all be together and for your husband to witness and understand how she is behaving, and to present a united front on what is unacceptable behaviour.

Why are you walking on eggshells. She’s your daughter! As long as you’re happy with the way you’re parenting her and you’re being kind to her, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of you (right now). She’s a messy fog of hormones and the ways she behaves is no reflection on anything other than that. You need to be more lighthearted about it all .

You will be part of her life in the future - if you don’t over react to this blip now

Just let her be, it’s a difficult age, let her get on with it, she will grow out of it. In the meantime don’t argue with her, don’t give her the power. It’s your home, no way should you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, if she starts to rant, just walk away until she calms down. Good luck OP, teens and adult kids are much harder to deal with than toddlers in my experience.

Side eye - ignore
Sullen - ignore

Stay polite and factual and don't take to heart.

They're similar to a 2 year old in terms of development stage.

Doesn't mean you should be a complete walkover though.

Do you and your husband agree on house rules and consequences? I'd talk about these just the two of you. See what you can agree with and set them out. Also agree what things you think you should both do as mum and dad regardless of behaviour, and what could be a privilege that's removed for things you both agree are unacceptable.

When a 2 year old can't handle themselves emotionally we don't stop providing basic care. But we wouldn't spoil them lavishly either.

Its a tough job raising humans!

If she doesn't show this behaviour at school or towards her Dad then she is CHOOSING to treat you this way and that's unacceptable.

Agree with this completely. She needs rules, boundaries and consequences. But you also may need to think of some small, irritating behaviours that you are willing to let go of so that it's not a constant battle ground.

It would be better if you worked collaboratively together and agree on the above. Teens usually open up more when moving and not making eye contact for too long. So can you go for a drive or a walk when you're both/all feeling good, and have a chat about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour?

Remember you are the adults so you're in charge. Good luck.

Ooft. Harsh. My mum used to threaten to kick me out when I turned 16 because I was a rude, stroppy, argumentative teen.

Then she actually did. A couple of days after my GCSE's finished. I was homeless so moved in with my mostly absent dad. Turned out he was a violent alcoholic. Then I was homeless again. Grew up pretty quickly and it took a long time for me to forgive my mum.

Please don't do this to your children. As a mum of two teens now I cannot imagine throwing them out at 16. Idle threats are so pointless, too. Kids learn not to trust what you say.

I'd say there was something else going on. She doesn't want to do this, if she was happy and everything was fine in her world, she wouldn't be. You're being used as the emotional punchbag, because you're her safest option.

I'd try to shift this to a longer game and rather than nip the behaviour in the bud by correcting it as it happens, play a longer game of keeping things more emotionally regulated and feeling safe for her. Try to seperate the feelings, from the behaviour, the feelings are fine, the behaviour is not acceptable. They're basically getting completely rewired in there and most of it won't make sense to them, never mind you.

Buy a multi year calendar and cross the days off till she's 16.

They aren't all this bad at 14 but most of them are. Absolutely the worst age of the whole 18-year parenting thing, in my experience. Give me a toddler in full supermarkrt meltdown any day, over stroppy teen. Pick your battles, set your boundaries and model good behaviour.

Just to add solidarity. We are in the throes of this with our DD14 as well. Mine is pretty much the same to everyone in the house although she can be worse with her Dad.
What helps us? Pick your battles. Find something to bond over, for us we watch tv together, usually something she wants to watch and it’s not every night but it’s something we can share and talk about in a neutral way. Most of the time I try to let her be, try not to make too many demands or constantly hassle her about stuff and just basically ignore her moods (unless she’s being particularly disrespectful and then there are consequences such as screen time etc). It’s not easy. I’ve cried, a lot! I sometimes feel like she hates us but I also remember being quite angry and hostile with my own mother at that age. Hopefully they will come out the other side 🤞🏻

I agree, call them out on it. Rows can clear the air imo.

I can sympathise op as im currently going through this with my 14 year old DS. I can't speak to him without him snapping at me. I often feel like he hates me and it hurts so much. I totally get the being on egg shells. His dad and I are separated and he does spend lots of time at dads but ive no idea how he is with his dad as his dad and i do not communicate unfortunately. im actually scared if i come down too hard on ds that he'll go to live with his dad. im just hoping in time he will get better.
Overall his behaviour is good its just his snappy and moodiness that is difficult and hurtful. I miss my cheery little boy who was lovely to be around.