How do you handle a very hostile nearly 14-year-old at home?

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Soon to be 14yo is sullen and pouty and monosyllabic in her answers, only pleasant when she needs something, otherwise it’s side eyes, eye rolling, strong silence, sometimes just staring and not responding to questions.

It’s stressful to walk on eggshells around her, last week she turned on me before I could say more than one word in answer to a request to pick her up (from an inconvenient location during rush hour, hence the two second pause before I said ‘well…’). I have asked her to sit down with me and work things out i.e. explain what exactly i am doing to annoy her. I’d rather not pay £££ for family therapy if it can be avoided.

Her only offer is to not speak to me at all and to avoid me going forward. She says that she cannot do better than that in terms of her behaviour towards me.

I understand that she is a teenager and that’s how some of them are until they grow out of it but I don’t think this is sustainable at all. Frankly finding it disrespectful. For the next five years or whatever I am to assume the role of invisible housekeeper, cook and chauffeur in my own home? Not keen on this at all but what do I do?

Any tips on how to handle this would be most welcome. I would have loved to speak with my own mum about this but sadly lost her 8 years ago so hoping for some wisdom to be shared here…

My 15 year old is pretty monosyllabic and grumpy occasionally, but I just ignore it. I chat away cheerfully regardless of whether I get a moan or a sensible reaction.

I don't bother trying to control her reactions or worrying about her 'attitude'. I reckon she can think whatever she likes, as long as she sits with the family to eat meals and does her school work and keeps her stuff tidy, I just don't care if she moans along the way. Walking on eggshells is too much work for me!

THANK YOU. Thank you all. I have loved reading all your messages and I don’t feel so alone anymore. It’s horrid to think your own child hates you but I’m sure all the hormones etc are playing a major part in this behaviour.

@User454545454546565 my mother always said the same, she much preferred two year olds to stroppy teens and I’m beginning to feel the same. Wish I could apologise to her for what I did in my teenage years

They’re meant to hate us, temporarily! It’s a difficult but developmentally appropriate stage, like teething!

I’d crush all those eggshells to sand for starters, you don’t have to endure any of that as a parent. I wouldn’t stand for any messing so I would do one of these at the next outburst and then work through the list until she realises actions have consequences.

Get rid of her phone, now.

Wifi goes off at 9pm

No lifts

Half pocket money

Supermarket own brand food if she’s used to branded things

Great response 👍

I know this sounds like fairly typical teen behaviour, but I would try and check that everything in her life is going ok-
Friendship issues,
Worrying about school work
Bullying
Mental health
Family etc

Does she have hobbies, interests outside school?
Do you ever have family time - it sounds odd that she is never with both her parents assuming your are together.

Find a common interest (or at least something you are willing to do with her) and try some bonding - just a TV series you both like, or going for a walk, the gym, baking, crafting.

But also keep boundaries. Eye rolling etc ignore. Actual verbal rudeness is never OK.