Not cool enough to parent a teenager

[AllyOhly]

I am not a cool mum. I was not a cool teen and I have not been a cool adult. On the plus side for a longer time I was a fun mum and this worked well when dd (who is now 16) wanted to do exciting things. And it works well with my you get sons, who like mountain biking and theme parks and swimming.

The problem is my teen dd15 cannot stand to be around me. She quickly decided in her teens that she wouldn’t have any more friends round to my house (there was an incident where I told some of her friends off for literally tipping a box of cocoa powder all over the kitchen and then smashing a pot of jam on the floor whilst allegedly trying to clean up. Me telling them off was “not cool” . Subsequently when a different friend and dd accidentally set fire to a bowl of flour in the microwave I was very calm and didn’t tell them off but this did not redeem me).

I can’t think of a single other reason dd won’t have friends round other than this general uncool was of mine.

Last week she slept over at her best friend’s house and afterwards told me at length how her friend’s mum had dressed up with them to watch an ABBA movie and then played Just Dance with them for three hours. She told me this mum was great, and took her dd to concerts (have suggested n past; dd doesn’t want to go) and was “really nice” and that friend’s dad is also “great” and took friend on an adventure holiday in North America which was “so amazing” and he has “such a cool job” and on and on.

My dd point blank refuses t do anything with me. Barely talks to me most of the time unless she wants something. When she’s overtly rude and entitled I don’t shrink from telling her i dislike it when she takes me for granted. She has absolutely no remorse and just rolls her eyes or walks away. I know that underneath the surface she has total contempt for my boring existence and judges me very harshly.

She is a good kid otherwise - fine at school, not rebellious, kind and gentle with siblings and friends. It is just me on the receiving end of her endless disdain.

How can I get over my feelings of sadness about all this? Is the solution simply to ignore it until she’s older?

teenagers are not brilliant at the best of time but it does sound like a personality clash. i was like this with my mum though i look back with sadness as we lost her so young.
i think i would concentrate on your sons and having fun doing things you enjoy just be a parent let daughter come round in her own time.

No teenager sees their own parent as cool. I would have found a friends mum dressing up and dancing around to ABBA very cringey, and I would actually have died of embarrassment if that had been my own mum.
My friends used to think my mum was cool, she worked in an interesting job when my friends mums were mainly housewives, and they used to like to chat to her, but it used to annoy me, I didn’t want to have my mum hanging round with my mates.
For your DD, she’s just seeing a different way of being, whatever you do will be boring and predictable to her, so just get on and do your own thing, and she’ll start being more friendly to you once she’s about 17/18.

I doubt you are especially 'uncool' or doing anything wrong - teenagers are often programmed to be embarrassed by their own parents and it may say more about her own lack of confidence (this friend may be more secure and so she isn't so embarrassed by her mum and that rubs off on how your daughter views this mum). I used to think some other mums were way cooler (and younger etc) and could probably come across like your daughter. I then grew up and was very close to my mum and appreciated all her fantastic qualities even more. I would just try to respond positively but a bit blasé when she waxes lyrical about other parents and honestly don't take it to heart. Lots of teenagers would be MORTIFIED if their parent or any other put on fancy dress and danced with them for hours.

I'd pull her up on the eye rolling and don't try too hard. Do things for yourself that you want to do (show her you have a life outside of her) and she can join you if she wants or not but you are happy either way.

sounds like fairly normal opinions for teens to have of their parent. They can be very judgmental. Other peoples parents are often cooler than theirs.

my dd is 15 and I’m grateful she still wants to hang out with me. We have similar interests in terms of books, movies, true crime docs, shopping, travelling, beauty and concerts. Just last weekend I took her to a concert that I would never willingly go to. She loved it though so that made me happy. Are you happy to step out of your comfort zone and find something you can enjoy together?

No one is cool enough to parent a teenager

Newsflash. Parenting is not a popularity contest.

If all you want is confirmation from your child that you are cool you are failing them

Aw I bet her friend with the cool mom was mortified haha. Just keep being pleased to see her and she’ll come back to you x

Sounds completely normal, OP. Don't you remember being 16 - I expect you would rather have chopped off your own arm than spend time with your "uncool" folks!

You're not meant to be cool. You're her parent. There are no cool parents. She literally has a biological imperative as a teen to push you away and rebel against everything you are and stand for.

At some point she'll come out the other side and start recognising you as a human being again, but for now, just ride it out, and give her a bollocking when the disdain progresses beyond eye rolls and "the tone".

Ironically, teenagers are rarely as cool as they unaccountably think they are

Honestly, there is no such thing as a cool mum! As others have said the daughter of the ABBA mum was probably mortified!

I remember at peak teenage my DD refusing to walk down the street with me, and if we needed to go somewhere together eg to buy her school shoes she would ask if we could go to the next town over- presumably so we didn’t bump into anyone she knew!

It gradually got better, I think the way to be a cool mum is to be available for them, offer lifts and give their friends lifts - good for eavesdropping on their conversations and also I find they talk to me more in the car than anywhere else! Also when she does the eye roll thing I just make fun of myself “god, I know it’s so embarrassing right, I asked if you were taking a jumper!”

I also tried to find things we could enjoy together like a night away in London to see a show, or getting our nails done together (I was never one for nails until DD got into it!)

I still ask them to do stuff with me, like watch a TV show or come for a walk, but I don’t get offended if they say no. And sometimes they say yes. And even if they’ve spent the whole evening in their room on their phone I still pop my head in to say good night.

This too shall pass!

OP, you are totally normal, and so is your teenager.

I made mine sit and watch 'Kevin & Perry' and afterwards, whenever they'd 'strop', I'd start behaving like Kevin back at them, with all the arm swinging and facial expressions e.g

'Oh my God DC, you're SOOOOOOO uncool. You're just winding me uuuuppppp. You're so embarassingggggg'

It shut my teens up pronto 😁

I think you need to appear happy and confident in your busy, fulfilling life. Don’t let her see that her unpleasantness gets to you (great lesson for her to see you are not bothered by this pettiness).

OMG if now adult DDs had spilt cocoa all over the kitchen their friends would never have come within a 10 mile radius of my house again

Thinking about it. It could be DD feels inadequate amongst her friends and projects the blame for that onto you

I would not take sny notice whatsoever. If she doesn't want people over, that's her prerogative

To be honest, most teens want their parents to be adults and not ‘cool’.

However, don’t put up with being treated with disdain. There should be meaningful consequences for this to do with money/screen tims/lifts/chores etc.

They need to learn that there are basic things they need to do to earn your respect as well. If you let them treat you as if you have no self worth, they will continue to believe that you don’t.

Long term, she'll love and respect you more. Cool mums don't do anyone any favours, and it's really cringy when one wants to be her daughter's best friend.

A friend had a mum who always tried to come out clubbing with us. It was worse than Rachel's mum from Friends.

Just keep being a good mum. That's what matters.

Find Kevin the Teenager (Harry Enfield) and his mate Perry (Kathy Burke) on Youtube or something. The catchphrase was "You're so embarrassing!" shouted at his perfectly nice parents. One aspect was that although horrid to their own, they were politeness itself to the others Mum and Dad. The series of sketches ends with Kevin's remarkable transformation back into a reasonable and rational human being on the morning of his 18th birthday.

Charles Dickens wrote amusingly of the teenage son of a family on holiday doing everything in his power to disassociate himself from them.

As someone rightly said upthread, noone is cool enough to parent a teenager.

@Whatbloodysummer s idea is genuis!

Gosh I have a great relationship with my teen DDs but they would absolutely HATE me doing what ABBA mum did - why isn’t ABBA mum leaving her dd & friends to fend for themselves? That’s just weird behaviour (is it it Mean Girls where the mum tries way too hard to hang out with the kids? Don’t be like her!)
in fact I honestly think the reason DDs & I have had (& always have) a good relationship is that I DON’T try to be their friend - I am there for food, money, lifts, support, advice if they need it - but not really to hang out with particularly. I am their mum, not their friend. I think you sound like you’re doing the right thing completely and your DD will realise that soon enough - I have found there is a big difference between 16 and 18 and I bet she’ll grow out of being stroppy fairly soon and will appreciate what a great mum you are. Hang in there, just nod and smile when she’s being horrible, keep yourself busy (maybe be less available for lifts etc? It soon works if you feel you’re being taken for granted I have found!) and hopefully some respect will return.

good luck, nobody said teens were easy!

DS had a road man mate in 6th form who was absolutely hard as nails as well as unbelievably cool for a 17 year old... until he met me and then he turned into Perry with all "Yes, Mrs Pattinson." DS was mortified!

Other People's Parents are always cooler. The grass is always greener, and as a previous poster said, I bet the other girl was dying inside when her mum started playing Just Dance with them. My DS is 19 and the cool mum in his group at the moment is the one who gets drunk with them when they're getting ready for a night out. I'm the steady, reliable boring mum who gets things sorted, makes sure everyone has had something to eat and has a charged phone before a night out and somewhere to sleep or a way to get home safely, and I know which I'd rather be. He went through a phase where I was dreadfully embarrassing and was forbidden to so much as say hi to his friends, but thankfully he's more or less out at the other side of that now. He was at his worst at 14/15, started to be a bit less Kevin the Teenager at 16, and he's mostly lovely again now.

I realised that DD would happily do things with me if we went somewhere where her friends wouldn’t see us. Shopping trip or lunch in the restaurant in the town we live in, the one five miles away or the one ten miles away was refused. Travel 25 miles and she’s happy.

I just aim for not being embarrassing with DS. Apparently I'm not yet. His DGM however, my DM, took things to new heights recently, so much so that I actually apologised to his friends for her comments. Fortunately they just found her amusing and came back a week later for more of the same. along with chicken nuggets, loaded nachos and meatballs

My mum used to hit me with the absolute classic “well I’m not your mate I’m your mother” line when I would compare her to my mates “cool” parents. Looking back all the cool ones were proper fucking weirdos who shouldn’t have had kids let alone been let around anyone else’s kids.

I think because she was not my mate as a teenager, now I’m an adult who is responsible for myself and my kids she can be my mate, and I think that’s really really lovely. Now we go on holiday together, we hang out, and she is kind of almost my friend (she’s probably too cool for me in all honesty) but she only acts like that because she doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. She’s done her job raising me and being the “bad cop” and now she can chill. To be fair, my dad was less strict and kind of more of a “cool parent” but even after they split he would always 100% back my mum when she was being strict which I respect a lot now.

Imagine for a minute that you can see into your daughter's head. Would you really want to turn yourself into the kind of person and adopt the interests, pursuits, and opinions that she currently considers "cool"? Likely it would be pretty limited, boring, and frustrating.

Instead, just be yourself and do what YOU like. Let her decide not to invite people home if that's what she prefers and stop wasting energy figuring out what to "change"; she'd tell you if it were important enough to her. And let her talk about cool people she's met without you taking it personally. If some of her behaviour is unacceptable - for example, a lot of parents would object to a child being intentionally rude and abusive - then give her consequences. You say she's only nice to you when she wants something; she's obviously at least dependent on you so stop giving her what she wants when she's behaving poorly.

If it helps, no 16yo is really cool either. The current arbiters of taste and style are roughly in the age 5-9 range. Even they are obsolescent though, as Gen Beta hits the 18-month mark. Can TikTok stardom and paid influencer partnerships be far behind?