Not cool enough to parent a teenager

[AllyOhly]

I am not a cool mum. I was not a cool teen and I have not been a cool adult. On the plus side for a longer time I was a fun mum and this worked well when dd (who is now 16) wanted to do exciting things. And it works well with my you get sons, who like mountain biking and theme parks and swimming.

The problem is my teen dd15 cannot stand to be around me. She quickly decided in her teens that she wouldn’t have any more friends round to my house (there was an incident where I told some of her friends off for literally tipping a box of cocoa powder all over the kitchen and then smashing a pot of jam on the floor whilst allegedly trying to clean up. Me telling them off was “not cool” . Subsequently when a different friend and dd accidentally set fire to a bowl of flour in the microwave I was very calm and didn’t tell them off but this did not redeem me).

I can’t think of a single other reason dd won’t have friends round other than this general uncool was of mine.

Last week she slept over at her best friend’s house and afterwards told me at length how her friend’s mum had dressed up with them to watch an ABBA movie and then played Just Dance with them for three hours. She told me this mum was great, and took her dd to concerts (have suggested n past; dd doesn’t want to go) and was “really nice” and that friend’s dad is also “great” and took friend on an adventure holiday in North America which was “so amazing” and he has “such a cool job” and on and on.

My dd point blank refuses t do anything with me. Barely talks to me most of the time unless she wants something. When she’s overtly rude and entitled I don’t shrink from telling her i dislike it when she takes me for granted. She has absolutely no remorse and just rolls her eyes or walks away. I know that underneath the surface she has total contempt for my boring existence and judges me very harshly.

She is a good kid otherwise - fine at school, not rebellious, kind and gentle with siblings and friends. It is just me on the receiving end of her endless disdain.

How can I get over my feelings of sadness about all this? Is the solution simply to ignore it until she’s older?

I’m not cool either and I hate it when kids make a mess in my house.
I have tried to make up for not being cool or fun by being supportive and kind. Finding 1:1 time like giving her lifts etc, making her a coffee etc.
Your child would have hated it if you’d done Just Dance. They like other people’s parents because they are different!
My parents were the very opposite of cool and I love them dearly.
This is a really difficult age where they are trying to detach but on their terms. You still need to be there for them when they need it! Definitely don’t be tempted to just spend time with your sons, she’ll resent that.

Also, it’s probably the younger siblings putting her off inviting friends round, not you!

Kevin and Perry was the single most useful thing that has helped me parent. Our child was impossible at 12, exactly like Kevin and when she saw that it fixed her!!

My parents were totally not cool and embarrassment personified. After about 14 I stopped being seen in public with them, stopped inviting friends round and stopped going on family holidays.
I still find them immensely embarrassing and try to avoid them as much as possible.
I don't really believe there is any solution here. Even if my parents tried to do the things that cool parents do it would be massively cringe and even more embarrassing than them being themselves.

Teenage girls often don’t really like their mums in the mid to late teens. Probably because they are too similar to each other! Is she a daddy’s girl though? Most teens think their parents are cringy. She should grow out of it when she is an adult

Don’t try too hard! Try hard is not cool!

My daughter is nearly 14 and we have a pretty good relationship but starting to see disdain creep in… it terrifies me! I can no longer ask her to do anything like tidy her room/get dressed/ even get out of bed in the mornings without eye rolling and moaning. I read once that teenage girls need you to hold their boundaries for them, they will push and push but you have to keep that boundary and stability there for them, so gonna try and do that and count down the years until she’s 18 and out the other side…

Like everything else, this is a phase. The disdain can be hurtful. My DD spent a lot of time at this age repeating the same thing several times until the disdain had gone. I also used to say that it needed to go because people wouldn't put up with it and I wanted her to be a fellow student and colleague people liked. Never mind not cool enough. You are who you are, and, as most of us do, are being the best parent you can be. Patience, OP!

She's just being a teen. You don't need to be cool. You just need to parent her. In my experience the cool 'best friend's mums often don't actually set boundaries and parent their kids. They were the ones when I was younger who didn't go pay enough attention so their kids got away with murder and the ones whose kids ended up resenting them because when the kids are all grown up the cool mums often still haven't matured. Don't worry about the comparisons. You know what feels right.

Even if you are not “cool”, she doesn’t get to treat you with disdain. I have had three teenagers- yes the daughter has her moments and I have to bite my tongue but for all the important moments - she knows I am her no 1 supporter and there is no one she would rather celebrate her wins with than DH and I

My parents weren't cool and I mostly didn't care because I wasn't particularly interested in them! However I did find it embarrassing when my friends would comment about some of their behaviour, such as a habit of talking down to us. My parents were those who couldn't see teenagers as individual human beings. They very much still believed in being seen and not heard and only wanted to put down any original thoughts and opinions and put teenagers in 'their place' - which was still children. They were very out of touch and had no idea how to talk to or communicate with older children, teenagers or even young adults. Of course I didn't want my friends around people who spoke to them like they were young children - imagine asking (in a high voice) a 17 year old which is her favourite Barbie or Peppa Pig character...😭

I think I could have had more of a relationship with my mother if she would have occasionally actually listened to what I was saying. She rode roughshod over any thoughts, opinions or wishes I had on the basis that she knew better, and that made real communication impossible. This led to us effectively seeing each other as unknown species from another planet and meant she never had any idea what was going on in my life, what was important to me, what I was interested in - or even who my friends really were. Of course I was embarrassed.

I would recommend stepping back a bit. Be observant. Show interest in your daughter, in the person she is, without automatically trying to impose your will or authority even if you disagree with her. When she does deign to talk to you, listen carefully to what she's saying (and what she maybe isn't...) and don't automatically dismiss it as teenage bullshit, because in among that rubbish will be some important nuggets of information. Try and work out her weaknesses or insecurities and find a way to build her up and challenge them - without her realising what you're doing. Show her you accept the changes in her and the person she's becoming, and find (somehow!) a bit more confidence in who you are. My eldest is 12 so we haven't really had any pushback yet. On occasion she's been a bit too cheeky and I remind her not to push me too far because I can very easily remove privileges she values. So far that works. You don't need to be her friend, you need to be her mum, and you need to let her be whoever she is. Being a bit stroppy is part of that and not a reflection on you!

Ooh teenage girls are the harshest judges! They know how to be cutting and contemptuous like no-one else on earth 🤣

Don't worry about not being a cool mum - all kids think other people's mums are cooler than theirs! I never wanted to spend time with my mum as a teenager, I thought her only job was to stop me having fun and moaning about the mess - never stopped to think that she was working full time and came home to a kitchen like a bombsite every day when all she wanted to do was make dinner for us! Teenagers are impossibly self absorbed and it's often parents who best the brunt of their mood swings.

My best advice is to not allow direct rudeness without a consequence. You don't have to put up with being spoken to like shite in your own home so stand up for yourself. Secondly, make sure you get out with your friends and drink wine and let off steam! It's good for your teenagers to see that you have a life and are not at their beck and call or the time. They're perfectly capable of making their own dinner on occasion (or for the whole family)

Keep telling yourself that this will pass, because it will, and that you will have your lovely girl back at some point. I know lots of friends who's girls were hell on wheels as teens and are now good friends with their mums in their 20s. It really does happen!

I’m not a cool mum. But DC and I are close, mostly chilling at home. He doesn’t have his mates over. I think focus on your relationship, not being cool.

When dd was a toddler and a preteen, she thought I was fantastic.

When she got to secondary school, I became an uncool mum. I definitely wasn't cool (and I'm still not). I know that she compared me unfavourable to mums who were younger, prettier, interested in make up etc.
We still got on ok most of the time when we were at home and she was lovely whenever we went on holiday but she was too embarrassed to be seen out with me if there was a remote possibility of being seen by anyone see knew from school.

She's 23 now and we are very close (and have been for several years). We've just been on holiday for a couple of weeks (just the 2 of us) and she's told me that, now that she can look back, I was actually a decent parent and she's glad that I wasn't a cool mum.

You don’t need to be “cool” you just need to be a parent. It sounds like a tricky time right now but carry on suggesting things and be there for her and hopefully when she is a bit older and more mature you can have more of an adult relationship with eachother.

The ABBA mum sounds ridiculous anyway, no way my DDs would want me hanging around with them at a sleepover!
Reminds me of mean girls “I’m not like the other moms, I’m a cool mom”

This, a thousand times!

Just carry on being a decent mum, don't do the "pick me" dance and wait for her to grow up a bit.

Something that helps me with really defiant students is to imagine them with their own children in 20 years' time...and their kids being a pain to them... Try it. It's amusing!

Nobody’s mum is cool when you’re a teenager. The genuinely coolest parent on earth would feel
mortifying to their child. This is nothing to do with you, at all; it’s just the stage she’s at.

All teens take their parents for granted. It’s part of the emotional process of separation. If this stage didn’t happen they would be enmeshed for life. This feels utterly brutal, but it is necessary and it is much, much better than the alternative.

Hang in there. Roll your eyes in return and wait until she can look back and laugh at herself too (about age 21, from my own experience - I was this teen!)

Remember to show her that you love her regardless of her contempt. Having a sense of safety as she tests boundaries is what builds self confidence.

I’m a young mum. It doesn’t make a difference. I bet even Blue Ivy gets embarrassed by Beyoncé.

Thank you all. There is so much wise advice here. I am going to re-read all the comments and reflect on them.

My first thoughts are that I am probably guilty of sometimes trying too hard at the wrong things (as pp said, that’s definitely not cool) eg suggesting watching a movie together like we used to, or taking her shopping. She usually says no.

Do I do enough outside my comfort zone? No, I don’t. A lifetime of being uncool makes me inherently wary of trying to be the mum that surprises her dd with tickets to a great concert.

And yes I remember being mortified by my mum but she really WAS embarrassing. I thought I was just average.

I will stop myself from overthinking.

OP I wouldn’t stop asking, whether she shows it it shows her you care and are interested in her, she says no, you gently accept it, one day she will say yes again. If she’s rude about it though, I wouldn’t tolerate that. She’s allowed to think you’re uncool, she’s allowed to be embarrassed, she’s not allowed to be rude.

Ha that made me laugh, thank you.

Do you think so, honestly? I can’t imagine it. But maybe teen biology overwhelms everything rational!

@Phineyj I will try it. Hats off to you for working with teenagers. I’d find it soul-destroying.

Oh yeah def, can you imagine the ribbing she gets about Becky with the hair or her mum and dad all over each other in music videos?! Total cringe. As someone else, no one is cool enough for a teenager!

Aw, they vary, just like adults!

Definitely don't worry too much - as others have said all parents are uncool to their kids. It is worth trying to keep a connection going - watching something daft on TV and talking about it. I found deep breaths and counting to 10 handy in order to not react when getting the Kevin and Perry reaction. Sometimes ignoring the small stuff allows a bit more communication.