Lonely teen at summer - when does this end?!

[foxbasesecular43]

Not asking for advice really, just solidarity. My 14 (nearly 15 year old) DS, coming to the end of Year nine. Her time at school is punctuated by periods where her 'friends' don't talk to her, freezer her out, make life quite unpleasant for her. This impacts so many elements of her life, but mainly at the moment she is going into the summer holidays as a potentially quite lonely kid. I think she's trusted the wrong person, potentially spoken badly about someone else and this 'trusted' person has let on what my DS said, and now it's come back to bite her on the bum. She will learn from it, it will only make her more resliaint but blimey, it's a hard watch.
The main thing she wanted going into these holidays were one or two kids who she could go to the shops with every now and again, or go to a charity shop for a mooch. That doesn't look likely now.
I keep telling her that things settle down in Year 10 - is that right?! Or am I dreaming and it continues this way in to later teens? She's lovely, funny, bright, kind, a bit of a people pleaser but just so sweet - why is it so hard for her to make and keep friends?! Arggghhhhhh

Your poor DD, girls can be so sly/ horrid at this age. My DD is also finishing year 9. Always lots of drama in her 'main' friend group, but she spends time on weekends/ evenings/ holidays with other girls from her year that she doesn't hang our much with at school. She also has a very close friend from Primary that goes to a different senior school, and they have both made additional friends through each other.
Would your daughter have the confidence to reach out to one or 2 girls she likes but doesn't necessarily have a bond with yet? It only takes bravery to send one text or invitation and may give her the company (and confidence) she needs x

I don't know, she's often frozen by fear at the thought of sticking her neck out - she's lost her trust in people and I think would be scared in case she came across as desperate. Her best friend from primary school who she loves, and who goes to a different school leaves the country every single holiday to go the families holiday home! I find it deeply annoying, which is obviously ridiculous, but wish that they'd be around a bit more for my daughters sake! I will definitely be encouraging her to be a bit braver - sometimes that's all it takes, as you say!

That's very tough. In that situation, I would look for some summer programmes that will occupy her, where she might make new friends. Can you sign her up for a dance, drama, sport or music summer school? Can you encourage her to help out as a volunteer at a church summer programme for younger children? (I suggest church because professional programmes might not let teens help but alongside adults, community projects might.)

Does she have similar aged cousins who you could invite over? Or neighbours' teens? Are there any youth clubs she could try (I know there are fewer than there used to be.)

Maybe help her plan a few personal development goals which she could focus on. She'll still be lonely, but if she moves up a grade with her instrument, or writes a fantasy novella, or builds up stamina to swim a mile, or sets up a small pet-sitting service for neighbours on holiday etc, these things can help her learn to enjoy her own company when friends are thin on the ground. She might also want to develop her style - make her bedroom more grown up or change her hair and clothes a bit.

Honestly, if you can convince her to reach out to someone early in the holidays, it could make all the difference. And if it doesn't then she has all summer to forget about it or get over any embarrassment..
My DD has a lovely friend she sits next to in maths. Completely different friend groups, so never really together for lunch/ breaks at school, but they have meet ups and sleepovers just them at least once a month. Try talking to her about potential new friends and get her to reach out x

I have a 14 yr old so know how hard it is to get them to try new things but the way forward here would be for her to try some new ways of meeting people over summer. I know the feeling of being annoyed when other kids don't oblige by being around!

But it's a life lesson learning how to make new friends/ get to know more people - it's always hard, even as an adult - better to learn the lessons when young.

Solidarity here - could have written very similar myself! I have been encouraging my daughter (same age) to do the same - message some different people to the norm and she has tried but feels like everyone has their 'group' and no one seems particularly interested in meeting up. Mine also does various hobbies etc but struggles to make connections outwith. It's really hard as she's so sad that everyone seems to have these really strong friend groups and she would love that for her but just can't quite seem to make it happen! It's really tough and can be emotionally draining at times so can completely sympathise with you!

I’ve got one of these too although a year younger (just ended y8). Had some fallings out with her main friendship group over the past term and it seems like she doesn’t even want to message them now - but reaching out to more tangential friends is also too scary.

I have tried to keep her busy with various trips out and activities and ideas to keep busy at home but there’s a limit on what I can lay on!

She also snaps at me whenever I suggest messaging people, I guess it rubs it in for her.

I do agree it would be good if she could keep trying though - as pp says the worst that happens is it doesn’t pay off. For all she knows there may be others sitting lonely at home too.

Good luck to your DD

My DS is the same, he’s a lovely lad, friendly and fun, but gets crippled with self doubt in friendships. I think he’s dreading the summer holidays. I know in the long run he’ll be ok but for now I just feel sad he’s not hanging out with mates like he wants to. He does a hobby which means he’s got friends through that but he’s sad about school.

Our do summer camps. Works well.

My dd14 really enjoyed going to the local watersports centre and joined a teen group learning to sail and paddleboard. She just did mornings for a few weeks and had a good time.

Our local climbing centre also does “hangouts” for teens and the competent climbers can climb all day for £12 . Might she enjoy that?

My ds solved it by getting a Sarurday job and finding some new mates that way.

Difficult for a 15yo but can she volunteer anywhere locally? Riding for the disabled and wildlife trusts usually take volunteers from 14. It's easier to get to know new people if you are "working" together.

Or find out what summer activities are running locally. Season ticket for the nearest lido? Tennis coaching? Our local arts centre is running a street art course and a dance course for beginners, ages 12 -17.

Solidarity sisters! I also have a daughter who is experiencing similar. If I think about it too much, it makes me very sad. Brings tears to my eyes.
I feel like she spends her life on the periphery of everything & everyone. She tries lots, has waaaaaaay more confidence/resilience than I had at her age, but is still never invited in, if you see what I mean. She joins clubs, etc but nothing meaningful ever comes from any of it. She very much feels it, at times. She is a wonderful human being but it seems her peer group don't see it.

This means that she spends most of the summer holidays with me (I’m a teacher so same time off) and often in the evening she’ll comment that her friends have done something during the day & shared pictures/stories about the day on their WhatsApp group. Makes me so very sad, but I don’t show it. We just shrug it off and move on.

Weve come to the conclusion that she’s never going to be one of the ‘cool kids’ (her words) and, hats off to her, she has no interest in compromising to become one. I’m clinging onto the hope that once she hits her senior years at school she’ll find her tribe. Until then, we just put one foot in front of the other and try to make the world a better place by our daily thoughts and actions. I pray that her tribe is out there and once she finds them she will just blossom! I often think of her a little, patient bud, just waiting for the sun to come out and then she will burst into the world.

Its tough raising a girl…

It is so tough raising kids - I was going to say in this day and age, but I guess it always has been. I get realy sad when I think about my DD being lonely, but I have to remind myself that being lonely at 14 isn't neccesarily a terrible thing. I was too! And it meant that I got to know myself very well as a person, and when I got to sixth form i think it meant that I knew who I wanted to hang out with and found my people. So in the meantime, she's doing all the proactve things (applying for volunteering roles, taking up some local jobs, a few clubs here and there, reaching out to a few other friends) and then we just make the most of what she has and what we have. My sadness about it should not impact her - she should have no idea of how it makes me feel, that is not her burden to carry! Solidarity to all the parents out there trying to raise these kids. Thanks for all the responses x

14 is such a hard age during the holidays as well because so much that’s on is geared towards younger kids who need childcare.

I have a 14 year old DD like this too! It’s soo difficult. I am a lone parent and lucky enough to get 3 weeks off work in the Summer Holiday so in that time we just do stuff together and I can keep her busy but as a PP says there is a limit. That also leaves 3 weeks of the holidays when she is mainly left to her own devices as I am at work, I do work 4 days so we have one day together then but I feel like the weather is so lovely now, she should be out enjoying it with her friends!

My DD is also shy (as I was) so she doesn’t want to join clubs on her own. She does seem to have a nice friendship group at school but they don’t seem to meet up in the holidays despite DD trying to arrange something. I do feel sad for her but hope this phase passes. I think from memory I did start to find more of a friendship group when I was 16 plus!

Its not much different when I was at school many years ago

I made friends outside of school by joining cadets and made that my social circle.

Theres loads others like explorer scouts, guides, air/army/sea cadets, st John's ambulance etc

@Hankunamatata may I suggest that the actual ‘experience’ might be the same but the surrounding factors, in 2026, might be very different. Life for our children/young people/teenagers is vastly different compared to previous generations. I say this as both a parent and a (secondary school) teacher.

So yes, there are clubs, activities etc, as there has always been, but life for a lonely kid is way tougher than it’s ever been. In my opinion.

No cousins / family friends / friends from outside of school from an activity? New hobby or club she could join during the summer hols?

I agree that it's tough now particularly - with social media making them feel 'connected' but not actually connected.

We have also lost a lot of community and neighbourhood play/friendships.

I think screens make it worse as so many kids turn to that option rather than bother being social - it makes the whole landscape more difficult to navigate.

By the way - reading this I think any young person who actively WANTS more friends will be fine as an adult as they are clearly bright and interesting. there are many kids just slobbing about in front of playstations (I include one of mine in this!! _ and in some ways i worry about them more.

This is actually a comforting post as my daughter seems to be on her own a lot and I worry about it. I think she’s just a bit different to lots of girls her age and will probably find her people when she’s a bit older.

@PurpleThistle7 i have found it comforting too.

How's everyone's summer holidays going? I feel my teen is just feeling lonelier by the day. She's seeing via social media what feels like everyone out in their friend groups doing things and she's not part of anything. I'm really looking forward to schools going back which makes me feel sad but at least she in amongst peers for most of the week that way instead of hanging around with me 😞

Hello @Ohgoonthenanotheronefortheroad

similar picture here 😢

Our daughter got a little teary today (not like her). She a pretty resilient kid but I think she’s aware that all her peers are doing things and she’s never asked. She doesn’t have much social media presence (a mixture of our decision as parents, but she’s in agreement)
This means she’s not part of the Snapchat/tiktok groups, which is where most of the chat takes place. I said if she really wanted Snapchat & if she feels this would improve the situation, then we’d be okay with that. She responded by saying ‘if they really wanted to invite/include me they would. They know where I am’ (she has WhatsApp)
My heart hurts when I hear that but then I think of the resilience she’s building and I remind myself she’ll be alright.

Our girls will be fine. The rest of the world just needs to catch up. ❤️

❤️❤️ you are so right! Sounds like yesterday was a particular tricky day for us both.

I agree that they are building resilience and that there's life lessons here. My daughter acknowledges that that many of her 'friends' aren't very kind and inclusive a lot of the time and that actually these are not people that you'd want to be your life long friends anyway much of the time - often talking about people behind their backs etc.

Sounds like a good thing that your daughter isn't willing to easily compromise her presence on social media either just to try to fit in and be included and I guess this shows strength in character!

We are in Scotland so only three weeks of the holidays to go and my daughter has quite a few activities on over the next few weeks which should see us through. Hate wishing her life away but she copes so much better when she's at school in amongst people 🙈

I guessed your dd would be fourteen years old before I read your op! It’s such a difficult age. Too young to match their ambitions of independence but too old to be a child again.

Having raised two DDs, I would say that mine both “pupated” and even partly regressed in some areas at that age. They sort of went in to themselves for one or two summers; one lost themselves in books and the other in horses. The bookish one went back to some hobbies she did as a child and seemed lost in nostalgia, The horsey one lived in her room when not at the riding school. But the point is they were both quite solitary.

And when they came out at the other end they weren’t suddenly massively confident, but they had a much better idea of who they were ifyswim, and they both found friends, and their social lives took off and opportunities for friendship became much more prevalent.

So my message is don’t worry too much, although it’s natural that you do. I think your DD’s situation is more common than you might imagine even though it seems like everyone else her age is madly sociable, it isn’t the case for a significant percentage of teens. This is partly just a natural phase.

Not all dc develop at the same pace and I think some teen girls just need a bit longer to say goodbye to the safety of childhood and be ready to embrace the next phase. The inner cogs are whirring and re-forming and it takes up a lot of energy.

So focus on the long game op; your dd will find her niche and in the meantime, although it’s very hard, it sounds like she is keeping active and she has a great mum keeping an eye on her.

And I’m not suggesting you are, but don’t get too heartbroken on her behalf op; keep up with your friendships, activities and interests too as you need to be a steady, positive anchor for your dd and she is watching and learning.

This too shall pass 💐