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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do all teens talk to their parents like this?

36 replies

hankmarvin · 31/01/2008 13:37

I have 2 daughters, one is in her early 20s and the other is 14. My youngest talks to me like I'm something the cat has dragged in. When she comes in from school I ask her "did you have a nice day?" and she shouts "oh! shut up and stop going on!"

If she see's me having a laugh with anyone she says "stop showing off" and embarrases me.

If I mishear her she says "god! duh! get your hearing aid in!"

If I'm talking to her she puts her hand up in front of my face and says "don't talk to me, your breathe stinks".

Apart from this I get insulted, called big bum, dopey, docile etc.

I get on great with my eldest daughter now but when she was a teen she used to talk to me the same way. Other people have said they wouldn't tolerate it but I assumed they were all like this?

OP posts:
Iklboo · 31/01/2008 13:41

Stop all treats, pocket money, talking to her like an adult.
She has got to learn to give you some respect.
(i know I know) If i'd have done this when I was 14 I'd have had a VERY warm cheek.
They're not all like this. I know they're pushing boundaries and all that palaver but it's because no-one is teaching respect, manners etc that we have the Gary Newlove situation etc

(not for one minute suggesting your DD would do that of course)

Rantmum · 31/01/2008 13:42

I was very arsey with my own mother when I was a teenager, but I would never have spoken to her like that in front of other people. Not saying that it was much better to be that way, but I was at least concerned about how I would come across to OTHER people.

Have you suggested to her that however she feels about you, it is SHE who ends up looking immature and petty when she talks to you like this in front of other people?

Sorry I don't have teenagers myself {yet!!) so I can only refer to the situation that I remember. Fortunately for everyone involved we don't stay 14 forever .

tigana · 31/01/2008 13:47

The stroppy grumpiness is normal. As is not wanting to talk about school. Not much you can do about them. Likewise the sudden, flare-up screaming-at-you session where nasty names may pop out in heat of the moment ( although there shoudl be an inward wince of guilt on her part when that happens)
The nasty comments about bad breath/dopey etc are just bitchy and she needs to be told to stop. Being embarrassed by your mother is one thing, telling her to stop showing off is another.
She may not 'like' you very much while she is a teenager, but she needs to respect you (even if it is grudgingly through a fog of hormones).

edam · 31/01/2008 13:49

Good grief, if I'd spoken to my mother like that I would have been grounded until I was 30!

And I'm not looking back in a 'now I'm a mother myself I re-write history' way - my youngest sister was a teenager very recently.

Agree with Iklboo, you need to sort out some discipline. Impose sanctions that show you mean business.

Iklboo · 31/01/2008 13:50

If I'd have told my parents they were 'embarrasing me' when they were having a laugh they'd have made damn sure they did something really really really acutely embarrassing in public, preferably in front of friends/boys I like so I'd know the difference

potoftea · 31/01/2008 13:52

I have 3 teenagers, and the older 2 give me no trouble at all. My 13 year old ds, does argue every little thing, and we don't get on very well.

However I do think what you are putting up with is over the top and just gone beyond the normal "teen/parent" rows, and I think it's time you demanded some respect from her. You are the adult and the one in charge, and your rules go in the house.

It's not good for her own development to be allowed treat anyone like this, and she needs you to guide her on this issue.

brimfull · 31/01/2008 13:52

I am appalled.

My dd wouldn't dare speak to me like that.

Do you speak to her in such a rude manner?

Listmaker · 31/01/2008 13:56

I have 3 teenage dsds and none of them speak to me or their father like that and I'd go ballistic if they did. They don't always get on well with their Mum but they never even talk to her like that. I agree with the others you need to set some boundaries.

Vacua · 31/01/2008 14:05

consequences

when mine (and they both have been) are disrespectful and then later, however later, ask me for a lift/money/anything I refuse and explain why - treat me like shit and I won't do a thing for you

treat me with the courtesy I extend to you and we'll live happily ever after

Tanee58 · 31/01/2008 14:11

If I'd spoken to my parents like that when I was 14, I wouldn't have made it to 15! I'm still waiting for my dd to act up - she's nearly 16 and has never spoken to me like that, even when her father and I split up and she hated me. Raging hormones, yes, but they still need to learn and respect boundaries, if only so they don't speak like that to someone who'll deck them.

I would cut out her priviledges and suggest that she can have them back when she earns them - by showing you the respect that she herself would expect.

Could her sister talk to her about it, if she was like that at the same age? Perhaps she could communicate how distressing, rude and counterproductive it is?

If all else fails, you could threaten her with one of those boot camps...[hmmm]

needmorecoffee · 31/01/2008 14:13

my eldest did that and I tried to tell her off but various other adults told her it was ok and I was oppressive for even saying anything. Guess who she chose to listen too.....

Janni · 31/01/2008 14:17

They are NOT all like this. Where is your self-respect? What do you think you are teaching her by accepting this? I assume you wouldn't let anyone else speak to you like that?

Being a teenager does NOT give you the right to talk to your mother as if she is lower than the doormat.

onebatmother · 31/01/2008 14:23

I think it's wider - she needs to know that should never speak to anyone like this.
NOt friends, family, or strangers. It's just horrid.

Vacua · 31/01/2008 14:23

I 'let' mine talk to me however they liked, but was unbendable on the consequences, as below - it didn't last for long. I walked away, and still do, from any ridiculous arguments however tempting it is to retaliate. If they can get you into a shouting match you are weakening your position. Out of self interest alone they quickly knuckled under and besides that they do have a better nature. The tension between their child like needs and the urge for independence does seem to find expression in the most appalling behaviour at times but you can knock it on the head by providing an example both of how decent people communicate with one another and what they will not tolerate.

Janni · 31/01/2008 14:23

I just read bak my reply to you and realised how bossy it sounded, I'm sorry. I hope you can reach a better understanding withyour daughter so that you both respect each other.

onebatmother · 31/01/2008 14:24

That was a very interesting post vacua. I'm going to cut and paste that for future ref.

Tanee58 · 31/01/2008 14:37

How is she with her friends? Or with her father? I know all children should feel that they can be totally themselves with their family, but she does need to understand that there are limits. How did you get through this with her sister? Did she just grow out of it or did you tackle it head on at the time?

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 31/01/2008 14:41

No, not acceptable.

Vacua · 31/01/2008 14:43

heh

I've made it sound so easy but I don't think it was - they're 15 and 17 now and it just doesn't seem to arise any more. I can remember going outside or into the bathroom to cry and coming back composed and very very firm. There's so much they depend on us for, and there has only ever been me to deliver it, that cutting off their access to a social life outside the home (I didn't do grounding because how do you physically prevent them from just going out anyway? I just wouldn't take them anywhere) was always very effective. And definitely wouldn't give them money, it's easier if you really dwell on the horrible things they've said and let yourself be as hurt and angry as you want to be.

happystory · 31/01/2008 15:14

We have found with ds (16) that he has had to learn the difference between being with his friends and being at home. The worst time is an hour or so after he gets in from school when he's into
teen-speak/slang/swearing.

As vacua so wisely said I try to ignore it. When he's been rude to me or sworn in front of other people I've said nothing at the time but withdrawn privileges as I've previously warned him I would, he was pretty shocked that I'd carried it through my threat.

Tanee58 · 31/01/2008 15:16

The bright side, HankMarvin, as you've already seen with your older daughter, is that it DOES pass .

suedonim · 31/01/2008 16:49

I've brought up three teens and have another looming on the horizon but I have never had that sort of behaviour from them. They haven't been angels, either, but personal abuse has never come in to the picture.

I don't really know what to suggest, as I haven't had to deal with it, but I do think teens (and all children, come to that!) need to realise their parents are human beings with feelings.

Freckle · 31/01/2008 17:01

DS1 is almost 14 and, although we get the grumpiness and moodiness, occasional door-slamming and accusations of being mean, horrible, etc., he would never speak to me like that.

How do you react when she speaks to you in that way? Do you simply ignore it? Sometimes ignoring bad behaviour is the best thing to do, particularly when the behaviour is attention-seeking. However, there are times when consequences have to flow and they need to hit home.

tiredout · 31/01/2008 17:03

Terrible behaviour. Don't know what to say, except, no, it's not 'normal' behaviour and no, you shouldn't put up with it. Sanctions now!

GetOrfMoiLand · 31/01/2008 17:14

No. That is not normal. I would not let your daughter carry on like that, you must be mortified and upset. It is normal to be stroppy, monosyllabic and grumpy (dd is like this sometimes) but not normal to insult you and be so rude.

Don't yell at her (will do no good) - state your point of view saying stuff like 'I will not tolerate' 'I am upset' rather than accusatory 'you are so naughty' 'you are so sue' - makes it less easier for her to argue back.

Withdraw all privileges until she is able to speak in a rational manner. Take the telly out of her room. Take her mobile away. Ground her. Say she can have these privieges back once she starts to speak to you with respect. (stick)

Say if she behaves hereself for a month or whatever you can go on a day out to the shops or whaveter (carrot)

Do not be bullied by your daughter. She needs to learn some respect for her mother, and by being consistent, calm and adult about it you will hopefully see a change in her.