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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

she wants to live with her dad....

37 replies

tyeanddye · 27/08/2007 10:50

My dd is 14,and wants to live with her dad,we recently left my abusive partner,her stepdad.Who is a bully,but not a sexual abuser,wholly verbal and emotional.
She has 3 siblings,the eldest of which,my son 16,was going to go too but changed his mind.
We now live at my mums and i though that all this would settle,but she still wants to go.
Im devastated,my ex works long hours and i know she would spend much of her time with my once best friend,who is the person he left me for 10 years ago.
I thought i was over all that but although they have split,they remain on good terms and my dd spends much of her access visits with them,and alot of in between time on msn to them too.
My newer relationship ended earlier in the summer which is a whole other story,i had 2 kids with himm too.
I want to tell her she cannot go,but this would push her away...but its yr 10 and she cannot afford to mess it up.

OP posts:
fransmom · 27/08/2007 20:10

oh tye

i think i posted on another of your threads about your dd. i tmay be that when she has lived with him (if that's the way that things work out) that she wants to return to live with you once the novelty has worn off. you seem very down again sweetheart, is there anything i can do? i wish i lived round the corner from you x

((((((((((((tye)))))))))))))

Original poster
tyeanddye · 28/08/2007 11:31

Thanks honey,shes about to enter year ten,which is an important year for her work,
So i think im going to say a blanket no,hes a dickhead her dad,and she wont be cared for properly.

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fortyplus · 28/08/2007 11:39

For that to work you will need support for your decision from your xp. Can you ask him to back you up on this? Otherwise you'll turn yourself into the bad guy.

Surely he could appreciate that his long hours would have a detrimental effect on her education?

Original poster
tyeanddye · 28/08/2007 11:45

XP delights in me being the bad guy,ive had to defend myself for years against the poison he feeds them about me,he s of the opinion,and always has been that they should make their own decisions on matters i consider for the adults.

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Original poster
tyeanddye · 28/08/2007 12:33

He shouts at her constantly apparently.

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fransmom · 29/08/2007 22:24

that's no environment for her to be in in yr10. i can understand you wanting to say no more now. when i was in yr 10/11/12, the env at home was horrible. sis didn't respect that i needed to study at all, just kept playing her music loud and wouldn't turn it down til mom said. not a good time. i don't think she understands the situation much at all, would she listen to you if you explained things to her about her yr10 work? or am i being naive in thining she might listen? not knowing your dd, i can't say for certain

Original poster
tyeanddye · 30/08/2007 11:50

I have told her all that FM,thanks honey...
Shes being very sulky,and her fathers being malevolent.Its a difficult time.in lots of ways.

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Original poster
tyeanddye · 30/08/2007 13:53

Help me please someone...desperate,can she decide for herself at 14 which parent she wants to live with?shes says she can...i feel desolate

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Christie · 30/08/2007 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mosschops30 · 30/08/2007 14:25

tyeanddye can I just say that I did exactly the same thing when I was 14. I left my mum to go and live with my dad and step-mum. I thought it would be such a better life.

Ha ha how wrong was I, after 5 weeks I begged my mum to let me come home. I no longer speak with my dad and me and mum are like best friends.

The grass is always greener on the other side, she will soon realise that.

HTH

fransmom · 30/08/2007 22:01

am not sure tye sorry.
christie did you manage to contact anorak?

hope christie has the news you are waiting for tye (((((((((((((((((tye)))))))))))))))))
fm xxxx

Christie · 31/08/2007 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anorak · 31/08/2007 17:28

Hello tye, I'm just using my cousin's computer quickly.

I'm afraid the court will tell you that a child over 13 can choose which parent they live with. They backed my daughter who was then 14 despite the fact that there was a court order banning her father from contact. They lifted the court order.

I am lucky that she has now decided to come with us to Bermuda. It will necessitate her starting year 10 again when she would have been in year 11 (because the school in Bermuda can't match her courses) but she is glad. The school she's been attending for the past year is so poor that her grades have dropped beyond recognition. She is grateful for the new start in her education.

Unfortunately, while the law has progressed far enough to prevent children having to put up with certain kinds of abuse, this has involved giving them rights that they are not mature enough to exercise sensibly. I also find it frightening and utterly wrong that parents bear the entire responsibility for their children's behaviour but have absolutely no power to force them to do anything at all.

Sorry I couldn't say what you wanted to hear.

At least your ex-H sounds like a decent father. Good luck.

Original poster
tyeanddye · 31/08/2007 17:56

Thanks everybody,im digesting all this information now...shes being very odd,and i dont know where to start,im arguing with him via email as to what home best suits her needs,ie shes very needy and he works fulltime,and i dont.But i dont suppose the court will take that into consideration....
Its so painful that shes so anti-me,after all my years of devotion,i love her and shes rejecting me,and im gobsmacked that she wants to live with him,i was very loyal to my mum at that age.

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anorak · 31/08/2007 20:50

I don't really see why you would go to court. It would be very costly. And for what? They will only say that she can live where she wants. You may as well leave her to it. Let her go to her father but explain to her the difficulty and cost of re-setting her up in school every time she does this. I would give her a chance to see the error of her ways and come back once but not twice. Hundreds of pounds for school uniform and all the logistics as well as the personal heartache for you is too much to ask - don't let her play you and your ex-H off against each other.

If you and he could decide a strategy between you it would be best. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do that (my elder daughter's lies and manipulations have completely ruined any relationship we ever had). consistent parenting with both parents agreeing is going to stop her from taking the piss.

My cousin (kimi) has just read this over my shoulder and commented 'of course she blames you, you have had to set the boundaries while daddy has been all mcdonalds and treats'. Try not to take it personally. You are the easiest to blame at the moment. I say again, children have too much power without having to take any responsibility

fransmom · 02/09/2007 00:58

am thinking of you tye . have posted on the other thread as well. now, i am off to bed !

fm x

Original poster
tyeanddye · 03/09/2007 09:28

FM,thanks hun,as ever.
Anorak,you are exactly right of course,i know,and she is taking the piss and manipulating/setting us off against each other.His approach is to rant at me on email about never listening to her and that he knows her better than i do....having walked out when she was 4........?
He says its her decision,which is nuts,they DO have too much power and its wrong,shes wrong..she needs her mum,stability and her siblings around her,and we need her.
I found her in tears a couple of months ago about her weight,shes not fat but she is filling out now,and the clothes she spent her birthday money on dont fit.
So ive been buying her bits and pieces,in the middle of selling/splitting up with her stepdad,having left my job etc,on my cerdit card,and now shes said im buying her clothes to manipulate her!well,i had better stop then hadnt i!?

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Original poster
tyeanddye · 03/09/2007 10:13

Feel utterly crushed,smashed,and very depressed.Shes slagging me off to him,i know it,and to the bitch who used to be my best friend until she slept with him for a year behind my back.

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fransmom · 03/09/2007 12:48

oh darling ((((((((((((((tye))))))))))))))) i remember my partner's friend's other half going through the same and although i don't now her very well at all, her dd went to live with her father cos she didn't like the discipline at her mother's house. i presume that this was because her father didn't have the behaviour and related discipline issues to deal with at the time.

this may well be the case with your dd; if she does go to live with her father, you may well find that the tables start turning as soon as the novelty wears off. and it will be a novelty to start with; everyone, including her dad and his gf and your dd, will be wearing their "best faces" and it is only after so long (different with different people) that the trueness of personalities show through.

i know that it may not be what you want to hear at the moment, and i am certainly not going to tell you to pull yourself together, because that doesn't wash with me, and it may not seem that way at the moment but you willfind a way through this - once you have the chance to look back at this horrible time you will realise that you do find a way through the horrible times even if it doesn't seem like it.

like you said, it may well be the best time to stop buying her clothes so much - esp on your credit card as you will be the one with the bills and no thanks; i still wish we lived round the corner from you - we could stop each other going shopping!

(((((((((((tye))))))))))

anorak · 03/09/2007 19:22

I really feel for you, it hurts so much when they do this, you feel that all your loving care has gone unnoticed, your years of commitment count for nothing. We raise our children to have all that we couldn't have, it's only natural, but modern life has become so luxurious in the Western world, and I'm afraid we have bred a generation that wants everything and values nothing.

You can only hope that as she matures she will realise what you've done for her and when she does she better hope you haven't given up waiting for her.

You can recover from this, but you really do have to get some proper support. Go and see a counsellor or a psychotherapist before you crack up, get the professional help to prevent it. That's what I did and having that professional to talk to and reason things out with really helped me work through this absolute nightmare situation and get my life back again.

Original poster
tyeanddye · 04/09/2007 12:14

Thanks,so much,this is not my finest hour

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Original poster
tyeanddye · 04/09/2007 22:14

shes having a sustained mega-sulk,and its so painful

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Original poster
tyeanddye · 05/09/2007 11:07

I had hysterics briefly when she asked me WHY 14 yr old girls need their mums

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rattleskuttle · 05/09/2007 11:21

just thought i'd add my bit and hope it helps - i think you will just have to let her go. if she knows you want her to stay and that she can come back to you whenever she wants you will be giving her a lot of security and she will probably appreciate that when she is older and less teenagerish.

one of my teens went to live with her dad for a while just because she could. she had a good time but prefers being with me now although most of all she likes to be with her friends.

i think the best you can do is to let them make mistakes. i know how hard it is to see yours dcs mess up their lives. all you can do is tell them what you think and let them know you are there for them.

Original poster
tyeanddye · 07/09/2007 11:54

Thanks.............it does help,she seems hellbent on me "home educating" her suddenly now!So its about her school then

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