she wants to live with her dad....

[tyeanddye]

My dd is 14,and wants to live with her dad,we recently left my abusive partner,her stepdad.Who is a bully,but not a sexual abuser,wholly verbal and emotional.
She has 3 siblings,the eldest of which,my son 16,was going to go too but changed his mind.
We now live at my mums and i though that all this would settle,but she still wants to go.
Im devastated,my ex works long hours and i know she would spend much of her time with my once best friend,who is the person he left me for 10 years ago.
I thought i was over all that but although they have split,they remain on good terms and my dd spends much of her access visits with them,and alot of in between time on msn to them too.
My newer relationship ended earlier in the summer which is a whole other story,i had 2 kids with himm too.
I want to tell her she cannot go,but this would push her away...but its yr 10 and she cannot afford to mess it up.

going into year 10 with all this home stuff is going to be tough, but it's u i feel for. My dp and I had a difficult few years and during that time dd was my support. we've never got back to the right parent child relationship. don't make my mistake - find a good friend or listening service. Put on a mask and encourage her to go to her dad sometimes. If you are the strong mum to her, it's you she'll look to for advice. Year 10 teachers always start off hard - tell her to wait a week or two - most of them will soften up as long as she's not in a trouble makers set.

I really feel for you, big hug!!! unfortunately they can decide who they want to live with4, regardless.

A couple of months ago my 13year old (soon to be 14) ds decided he was going to live with his dad, because i had grounded him and im soooo unfair.

I decided i wouldnt let my little darling, hold me over a barrel, every time i did something he didnt like and called his bluff. Even though it upset me, i told him if you are sure, if your mind is made up, i will drop you off (of course shitting myself in case it back fired on me and he decided to stay there for good).

After a few days, he phoned me and asked if he could come home and apologised. Grass wasnt any greener!

Kids of 14 are very good at manipulating 2 seperated parents, im lucky enough to have a good relationship with my X which helps, but doesnt stop my ds from trying!!

Sounds to me that your DD is doing just that, she knows you dont want her to go and is holding it over you to get her own way. she is setting her conditions for staying ie home education, clothes etc.

She is also getting a lot of attention, causing quite a stir and is in the spotlight.

can you guide her into making a rational adult decision on this? ask her to write down what is really important to her over the next 4 years and what that means she needs in a home environment
eg

• some fun (an entirely legitimate concern for any 14 year old) means she needs a certain amount of freedom

• to be safe - means she needs a balance between freedom and independence and someone to look out for her and notice when she doesn;t came back at a particular time

• some decent qualifications - means she needs space and peace to study and possibly someone around to make her hot chocolate

etc etc

If you encourage her to approach this like an adult you may find she rises to it. hopefully it will lead her to the conclusion that being with you is best. ior that a compromise is best (eg get through GSCEs then re-assess) but, and I can;t imagine how hard this would be, if it doesn;t lead her to that conclusion your relationship will be enhanced, she will know that you have had nothing but her interests at heart, that you will always be there for her.

at the end of the day you are right - she could mess up. but there is always a way to rectify messes (maybe don't tell her that yet!) and if your relationship is in tact you can help.

I agree with a lot of what law3 is saying - if she's doing this for attention 9and it's very likely) forcing her to think it through as a proper decision could well scare the pants off her.

when I was 14 I told my mum I didn;t want to go to university but rather wanted to go to the local (and pretty awful) FE college. she said "fine" and that when it came to the time we'd getthe application forms and look into it. funnily enough when the time did come I had completely binned the "idea"...

her dad has just emailed me he is taking me to court for custody,and after saying yesterday that she would go into year 10,planning sleepovers,and decorating her bedroom here etc,shes now being a little bitch again.i cant hack this,he says im not listening to her,but i am,she contradicts herself almost daily,and im in the middle of the breakdown with her "stepfather"and her little half-brother is distraught as it is...if he loses her too....

Your DD is the one stuck in the middle.

Must all be very confusing for her being pulled in two directions. I think you and your DD dad and your DD, need to put your differences to one side and get together and decide what to do IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF YOUR DD.

If you and your DD dad, both have the same rules, no matter what house she lives in she will have stability and not feel the need to yo-yo between the 2 of you.

You and your DD dad's need to establish some communication, for the sake of your DD, no matter how difficult that is.

we are now talking it through via my mum,turns out he was going to leave his business etc,to be there ofr her,shes angling for an allowance etc from both of us,she doesnt yet know thta we are communicating about what she is saying to us separately.

thats definately a step in the right direction, good for you, you go girl!!!!!!

Hi,

I dont have a teenage daughter. My sister does. My sister left her husband when her daughter was 3. Her ex has been a B*rd in all sorts of ways, daughter still had to on holiday to him etc so as not to violate access arrangements.

Recently my niece started saying she wanted to go live with her dad. In the middle of teenage angst, tantrums, she suddenly decided she wanted to live with him, and she was arguing with my sister daily about this, ranting and raving, threatening and sulking, skipping school and what not.

In the end my sister said to her: Fine, you go. I will ask your dad to arrange school for you so can start afresh next school year.

THEN, my niece started thinking. About how he actually treats her when she is there, how he is forcing her to read philosophy books rather than Harry Potter, how he insists she plays piano rather than swimming lessons (which she loves), how he insists that she should go to after school maths and science club instead of sports and friends, etc. How he is forcing her to empty her place totally because she is so skinny.

And then: Mummy, you dont really love me if you let me go live with dad. How CAN you even consider being without me?

What would happen if you let her go?

Now it is your daughter and your EX against you, making your daughter the martyr, the centre for attention. He gets a change for a mega battle with you again, and she is in the middle.

Sorry no advise, just my perspective. And what do I know.

It all makes sense,shes got everyone running rings around her,and very upset.So,yes,shes the centre of attention,but she is not doing herself any favours,shes being extremely manipulative.I have younger kids,gimme a plain old tantrum any day,i know what to do with THAT!!!!

my mum pointed out that alot of hormonal teenagers want to run away,and are foul about it,but teens from a broken home have a handy get out clause,who will often make all the right noises and promises as a knee jerk reaction themselves,"daddy"

tye - youve hit the nail on the head, teenagers are never easy, little