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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What do you expect your kids to do when home from Uni?

31 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/12/2019 16:07

Stepson (18) is due home for the holidays in a week. Before going off to uni he stayed with us 3 nights a week and we did everything for him - he literally didn't lift a finger. Now that he's been independent for a few months I feel like I'm going to expect more from him but I think he'll just sink back to his old ways and will expect me and his dad to do everything.

Also we moved youngest into his room so he will have to sleep in the box room when he's back. He's a big lad and I feel like he's not going to be happy about this (even though we did tell him that's what was happening).

Just feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing as I have to admit that there's been a lot less to do while he's been away and I'd like to be able to have a bit of a rest over Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/12/2019 17:41

No one?

OP posts:
Lunde · 08/12/2019 17:45

I don't expect anything to be very much different when they come home TBH. We have never really "done everything" so they have always helped with cooking and cleaning etc. They have both done their own washing for years (dd2 since she was 10).

DD1 who is now working now came past on her day off this week to make stuffing for the freezer and DD2 made a HUGE ginger bread house with her godmother this weekened while she was home for a couple of days

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 08/12/2019 17:48

Always the dishwasher and bins and put our wheelie bin and the neighbours' out on bin day.

He cooks something basic.

Bungs the wash on.

He's meant to keep his room tidy but I've given up on that one.

Normal family helping out really.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/12/2019 17:50

Hmmmmm and I think that's where my resentment comes from. He's always done naff all (both the boys are the same) and I'm fed up of being an unpaid skivvy. If I'm honest I heaved a sigh of relief when he went off to uni but I clearly didn't think the holidays through!

OP posts:
KristinaM · 08/12/2019 17:55

I’d let his dad clean up after him and you sit and relax .

That might encourage his dad to parent him.

TrulyMadlyBeefly · 08/12/2019 17:58

My dc do their own washing, help with dishwasher, bins, food prep and clearing after. Rooms tidy and cleaned, beds changed with reminding.

MaidenMotherCrone · 08/12/2019 18:06

I don't expect him to do anything.

What I know he will do is

His laundry
Empty/load dishwasher & tidy kitchen.
Cook meals occasionally
Feed the animals
Ask if there's anything he can do while I'm at work.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/12/2019 18:10

I've tried getting them involved in helping out but I swear they look at me like I've got two heads if I ask them to do anything, and then my husband just ends up doing it for them.

OP posts:
Hepsibar · 08/12/2019 18:10

Ummm it is a tricky one ... the first year of course they turn up with suitcases of washing everytime they come home and of course we are delighted to see them but they do disrupt the rhythm of the household. They certainly dont seem to be friends with the washing machine!

Normally they seem to be sleeping, then meeting up with friends and reappearing at certain times.

Mine do feed themselves and will cook things, but cleaning up not to a very high standard and if one should leave eg a cereal bowl in the living room, they revert to childlike behaviour and the other wont wash up.

Sometimes they will fetch their granny for lunch or take her out or walk the dog. They will keep their own rooms tidyish now and occasionally will even hoover.

Sometimes they like to do something with me like go to the cinema or a dog walk and will help clear the table at meal times.

Am very conscious it's the last precious moments while they are still partly at home before they are very likely to leave forever (sniff).

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/12/2019 09:05

He's not my son though, he's my stepson. And my husband literally will not make either of his boys help out around the house. Am honestly dreading having another person to have to worry about. Plus he's done stupid things like leaving the house and not locking up, leaving windows open with the heating on. The prospect of having him back is causing me a disproportionate amount of stress and anxiety.

OP posts:
TurnipToffee · 09/12/2019 09:20

Poor DSS.

FinallyHere · 09/12/2019 10:11

And my husband literally will not make either of his boys help out around the house.

I would be tempted to join DSSs on the sofa and leave DH to it. It might take something like that to make DH see how ridiculous it is to expect an adult partner to wait on young , health adults on their own home.

Maybe have a chat with DP(DH?) in advance, explain your point of view. There are two ways forward here , a family meeting and allocation of chores or ... you are on strike.

See how long it takes him to get it.

If he really would rather skivvy for his sons. then he would not be someone I would want to share my life with. Sorry.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/12/2019 10:20

Thanks I think the trouble is he's way to soft with them and is a complete people pleaser. Youngest (12) regularly leaves stuff at our house and he will drive 20 minutes each way to drop said item off for him. My view is that if he's forgotten something he needs it's tough - he'll never learn to remember his own stuff if he runs round after him all the time. But if I say anything I get accused of criticising them.

OP posts:
dancingthroughthedark · 09/12/2019 10:21

Well until he gets there you aren't going to know how he will behave will you? After a few months of independence he could surprise you, have more respect about keeping things tidy or want to show off his newly learned cooking skills for example. Maybe you need to give him a chance rather than make it obvious you don't really want him there.

ssd · 09/12/2019 10:24

Hmmm. So he's been gone, what, 3 months and he's lost his room already?

Poor bugger. Bet he feels welcome in your house... NOT.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/12/2019 10:27

@ssd that's a whole other debate and yes he does still have a room but his younger brother has slept in a box room since they moved in and it's ridiculous to leave a double room empty for a large proportion of the year. That's not the question I was asking. He stays at his mum's for the main part of the week so this is not his main home.

OP posts:
ssd · 09/12/2019 10:29

Maybe dad runs after them cos he feels guilty at breaking up his family?
Or maybe he likes running after them as he knows they feel like you don't really want them in your house?

The short answer as to what your ss will do when he's home for the holidays , is fuck all, same as he did before. And if you feel like you're running after him, have a word with his dad. Don't take it out on him, he doesn't know any better.

Only on mn have I ever heard about scores of kids at primary school doing their own washing. And cleaning and cooking dinner probably. Although I actually think it's all bollocks.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/12/2019 10:30

His dad didn't break up the family, his mum did. She came out as gay. And no I was never the other woman before anyone throws that in. Ex wife had another woman.

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 09/12/2019 10:33

@ssd What's the point in having the biggest bedroom empty most of the year? My younger brother swapped with me as soon as I left for uni, and I was happy for him to do that.

OP, I absolutely feel your pain about him not doing anything. My DSS is the same, because my partner coped raising him by just doing everything for him. Things are changing now but only because I'm insistent they do. Have rules, like everyone does their own washing, or has to do the washing up, or things like that like. I've started doing that and it's made life much, much better.

myrtleberry · 09/12/2019 10:35

Has he got any exams in January? Has he got a desk in the box-room so he's got somewhere to work?

ssd · 09/12/2019 10:49

SunshineAngel, were your parents split up and you changed rooms in your step mums house?

ssd · 09/12/2019 10:51

Maybe he just likes running after them for an easy life then. If it annoys you, speak to him.

NicolaClaus · 09/12/2019 10:52

Clean my house and cook for me!

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/12/2019 10:53

SunshineAngel, were your parents split up and you changed rooms in your step mums house?

How is that even fucking relevant? Stepkids should not be treated like delicate little snowflakes because their parents split up.

OP posts:
PiggyPlumPie · 09/12/2019 10:57

My two were home last week, one has now gone back for exams.

Both seem to have forgotten how to use a washing machine or cook. They will do stuff if I ask them. Both happy to help out but neither will think to offer.

DS is going to help me clean tomorrow.

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