Teenager's "party"

[dontknowwhattodo80]

Hi all

Wanted to see how others deal with this ..

If your child ( 15) asks a group of friends to go out for something to eat for their birthday would you pay for everyone? Or everyone pay for themselves?

Thanks!

Depends how many but I would definitely be contributing some money towards it. Maybe pay for main meal? If it's only 4 of them, I'd pay for the lot. They aren't earning yet so seems unfair to expect them to pay.

My DD is 14, in our experience if it's in place of a birthday party/treat the birthday family pay, if it's an extra arranged by the kids they each pay for themselves.

I’d pay if it was their equivalent of a party.

Great thanks everyone! DS had a birthday meal with 7 friends for his 14th and I payed for everything - asked them to stick to a offer menu though!- DS has since been to a couple of meals but as far as I'm aware they've been arranged by friends as a treat for a friends birthday ( who wasn't having a party) and DS has always paid for himself there.

He's now been invited to another one, this time arranged by birthday girl and her parents are helping with transport. Just trying to gauge whether he needs to take money!

She's also having a smaller outing earlier in the day, again arranged by girl and parents, which I'm assuming is being paid for by the parents.

DS's birthday is in November and he's asking to have 8 friends round and we'll arrange a dominos, which we'll pay for obviously. He's also talking about maybe going to the cinema with a few, which I was expecting his friends to pay for?

I'm rubbish at party etiquette!! Far easier when he was younger

I’d send him with money just in case, so he’s not embarrassed if he’s supposed to pay.

I agree with yetalkshite - send him with money just in case.

With regards to his own birthday- depends if the form is 'cinema then back to mine for a dominos'- in that situation I'd pay for cinema.

If main 'party' is the dominos at home and the cinema is a different day/more casual/not birthday related friends could and probably would expect to, pay for themselves.

You mention 'going to the cinema with a few of them' - is the cinema on the same day as the dominos and cinema just for the chosen few? I'd be careful of inadvertently creating a 'two tier party'if so.

And YY to party etiquette being a minefield! DD just started primary and we’re booked up every weekend for parties until November!!!

One today that we couldn’t go to, so I’ve said I’ll send a wee minding in to school for the birthday girl on Monday. Is that wrong?

DS1s friends were much easier as it was a tiny class of 6 and all mums knew each other.

Hi @Pumpkintopf

I'm not overly sure about his idea of cinema and dominos, the only part we said was you can invite 7/8 friends over and we'll pay for a big dominos delivery, he then said he'd like that and he might see if anyone would like to go to the cinema in the afternoon too. He thinks not many would ( he's got a few he regularly goes with) and he's suggesting it in an informal way, so not necessarily part of a party but if anyone fancies it they'd be welcome

send him with money as you can never be sure and you dont want him to end up embarrassed!

IME Hen that's very sweet but wouldn't be expected/the norm unless child in question is a particularly close friend of your dc.

Mine are teens now so tend to organise/invite their own friends- much easier!

Don'tknow in that case I'd ensure all those invited to the dominos are also invited to the cinema (up to them if they come or not) and pay for them.

I remember for my 15th I wanted to have dinner with 10 of my friends so we all went out. My mum gave me money to over everyone but they had all brought their own and paid for my dinner because they said "it's your birthday, we pay". So that was nice of my friends and my mum let me keep all the money!

I think at that age, it's nice of them to pay for themselves if they can.

Blimey might have to cut back on numbers then !

Pumpkintopf thanks! I’m autistic too so find social etiquette a total minefield, and I don’t want to get it wrong for DDs sake.

Don'tknow I'm sensitive to this stuff as we've had experience of two tier parties and my DC's being left out- I suppose my concern would be some kids turning up for the dominos not having been invited to the cinema, when the rest are all talking about it. It does depend on numbers though- if he was going to the cinema eg just with best friend then another six turning up at yours for pizza - fine. If six went to cinema then two joined having not been invited to the cinema- I'd feel like that was a bit unfair.

I appreciate that sounds as though I should be providing some sort of equation for optimum party split, sorry

@Pumpkintopf - the cinema idea will be suggested to everyone, DS wouldn't dream of leaving anyone out.

Sorry I don't think what I'm trying to say is coming across right!

DS's party is at our house with Dominos. He's thinking of asking if anyone fancies going to the cinema during the day. It'll probably be suggested in the same group chat as the dominos chat

So in my mind the cinema is not a party, it's just DS's idea of doing something during the day. I just don't know if parents will expect me to pay for that as it's DS's birthday? Just if that's the case I might need to reign in DS's numbers to avoid spending a fortune

I'd get them to go to cinema before then back to yours for dominos, presume they'll meet at cinema without you so they would all pay then you cover dominos. Just make it clear to your ds that you're only paying pizza?

OP, he's 15 not 5. And he's arranging it himself. Just tell him to tell his friends that you're not paying for it.

He can say "so, my mum is going to get us in a dominoes but anyone fancy going to the cinema during the day. We can take our own snacks in so will only cost you the price of the ticket".

And then you send the snacks.

Might be worth calling the cinema to see if they do a discount for a group booking?

There comes a point with teenagers when they make their own arrangements completely independently of parents. You might choose to pay but I think at that point you aren't expected to pay. The other parents probably know nothing of the arrangements IME.

We did transport and paid for meal out/ cinema / activity up to about 18, only for small groups though. Other parents didn't do this, so there is no right or wrong.

My youngest (of3) is now 17.
IME, over whelmingly, the dc each pay for themselves when they go out. No doubt varies family to family if they have to use their own pocket money or earnings or if parents give them cash, but once out, individuals pay for themselves.

I guess however this is a bit chicken and egg. If the first family treat everyone, and the 2nd then feel obliged, there is a sort of 'debt' to pay for following families. It does sort of rule out the dc whose families can't, or won't pay then though

It is hard to know what to do @BackforGood ! There seems to be such a mix of how his friends do it, some parents pay for everything, some put in a contribution, some don't pay anything. It also varies over who organises it, sometimes parents, some the parents haven't even known about it!

Think it might depend on the friendship group.
Birthdays in my ds and DD's groups, involve everyone paying for themselves. They invite the same people to each birthday and tend to do stuff that's a similar cost per head so it evens out over the year. I have another ds who is in y8 and he was invited to 3 birthdays that were paid for.