Teenagers and discipline

[mywayalltheway]

How do you discipline your teens, my DH is still of the opinion that a little slap is the way to go which upsets me.

Big kids can slap back (hard).

I am a teenager and I have a child and I can tell you for a fact that slapping your kid will make them hate you. As well as it being child abuse. My mum used to slap me in the face all the time until I got to the age that I was just as strong as her and wasn't frightened by her and did it back and she never did it again. Violence is not the answer. Try explaining what they did was wrong and talking it through. Both my parents used physical punishment and although I have great relationships with them both now I still feel emotionally scarred from being physically abused (which is what that is 'little' or not. How would you or your dh feel if someone gave you a 'little' slap. I'll guess you'd think it was abuse and totally unacceptable. Maybe your kid will start being more responsible if you respect them and don't make them feel as though they are constantly undermined and not valued as an equal human being. It's the ultimate mark of disrespect to physically abuse somebody. It's pointless and horrible behaviour.

we generally take away priviliges. Sometimes his phone or tablet. More often trust.

So no, you can't stay in whilst we do at or z, \ go out with friends \ we
I to town on your own as you broke our trust doing .......so you need to come with us\ stay in\ whatever.

That is very unpopular but seems the most effective so far.

Following with interest. I feel like I have no power and like my 16 year old DD terrorises our family. I've tried to take her phone but it's not worth the hell that she reigns down on us.

I think resorting to physical abuse clearly demonstrates you have lost control of the situation.

Money removal works here or taking away phone etc. Just stopped ds’s pocket money (15 yo) for back chat and refusing to do dishwasher. Dishwasher is getting done and I will reinstate money end of week.

Does everyone else's DC generally accept being punished? DD screams and screams and screams. I have sensory issues which she knows about and it feels as though she uses her voice like a weapon. God knows what my neighbours must think.

There was a time when dd tried to push me out of her room and she is bigger than me; taller and strong. It was a one-off because she ended up getting shoved back and realised getting physical won’t work. We are great friends most of the time.

Hooray, let her scream, put ear phones on, get builders ear muffs, leave the house. Take her phone and keep it until she shows some respect.

Totally worth @havesomerespect - my mum (rather than my dad) used to slap us as kids in the face. And like the poster it made me frightened of her and physically and emotionally abused. In my opinion it’s a form of child abuse and tells children it’s ok to hit. I hated my mum for doing it.

My OH has children and just by being firm, setting boundaries and taking away privileges he has their respect. No need for physical abuse - which is bullying behaviour.

I agree that getting physical means you've lost control and taking away phones, Xbox time etc is the better option.

My DD doesn't except punishment well at all Hooray and argues even more with us.

My DH thinks that making the DC frightened of him will make them behave.

They are not bad kids at all but do tend to back chat.

I think it depends what the issue is and how old the child is, we also take phone/Xbox away as punishment but we also sit down as a family and discuss the problems, sometimes it helps to hear your teenagers point of view, they know when they’ve stepped out of line!

Our ds thought we were still treating him like a little child, which in fairness we probably were, so boundaries were discussed and what we expected now he was growing up.

How do you make them be respectful though? I'm ashamed of how entitled and obnoxious she is. It's not how she's been raised and our other DC don't behave that way. I actually bought noise cancelling headphones which I wear around the house because the screaming was like torture to me. It's so distressing for DH and our younger DC to have to cope with though. When she kicks off, two of them actually cover their ears with their hands and hide.

Maybe (depending on age) you could try taking away all boundaries and see how they respond to that. They might feel as though they have more freedom thus less reason to act out and they won't have any reason to be nasty then. I found as I grew up and has less and less boundaries I acted out less and less because most of the fun for me was breaking the rules. There were times I found it pretty boring or you could try the old thing of saying live under my roof and follow my rules or get a job, pay rent and pay a portion of the bills and food.

I think (annoyingly for some) it's quite likely that the less freedom the child feels they have in their life- the less respectful they will be unless it's totally the opposite and they live in fear of you which is a horrible way to live in my opinion and they WILL eventually resent you for it. They are human beings just as valid as you and yet they have to rely on you for everything through no fault of their own. So I think equal respect and honest is the best way to go about it rather than more and more boundaries and rules and punishments.

There's an approach called non-violent resistance parenting. Might be worth a look - it's based on building positive relationships as well as consequences.

Do not slap teenagers (or any children) because they will not end up fearing and respecting you... quite the opposite.
My mother was quite physical with me and as I got older it just made me think she was pathetic and also completely lose any fear I had of making her angry at all. At a certain point you just dont care any more... violence is that point. I realised I could do absolutely anything I wanted and was a bit of a nightmare as a result. I just did not respect them at all. Far from making me afraid the violence just made me not give a shit what she thought of anything I did.

With older children you need to actually relate to them and reason with them. They need to be on your side. Im not sure 'discipline' really works at that age.... needs to be reason and respect. And those are things that violence will deffo not foster!!

I have never really had to discipline mine. They tend to stay within the family rules.

A slap is abuse. I would suggest removal of privileges maybe.

I'm not big on punishments tbh I just tend to talk things out. Dd is 15, don't remember ever punishing her and the other four are adults and can think of less than half a dozen occasions where I punished them. They've all been pretty good kids if I'm honest and we've had no real problems. Ds2 who is my most spirited perhaps, tells me now that his friends thought I was a softie and couldn't understand why ds was so determined to toe the line but he said he did it to avoid having to have "the talk"

It might make them scared of him but it will also make them hate him, lose all respect & quite possibly by condoning violence make them feel it is an acceptable way to treat people. This is the NSPCC list of reasons why not to..

Gives them a bad example of how to handle strong emotions
May lead them to hit or bully others
May encourage kids to lie because they fear being smacked
May make defiant behaviour even worse
Leads to a resentful or angry teen, thus damaging the family relationship.

That seems fair enough & true in my experience.

Also it is abusive & I wouldn't tolerate it - you may as well be hitting them yourself if you let it happen without intervening.

I prefer to praise and reward and to try to illustrate how to behave myself. I say if I am disappointed (which DD hates as she prefers praise).
I would definitely not put up with ear splitting screaming from a teenager...she would not receive any attention from me until she learned how to conduct herself more appropriately. I would simply not have enough respect for her to be able to converse with her! However, as the adult, I would see it as my role to wait until she was calm and then open a dialogue about how to approach things if she wants to achieve a happy outcome all ways round.

We remove devices, it was a battle the first time but once she realised we meant it she came round. She even hands them over every night now _school nights they still come out of her room.
In her calmer moment (at the time) she even googled parents removing devices and it came up with good reasons why we did laugh at that.
My dh used to think hitting was a good deterrent but I've never agreed, where do you go next? It won't take them long to realise if they don't back down you got nothing!

Our 14 year old gets punished with the usual removal of tech or grounding. He can get stroppy about it, but we always respond as calmly as we can, always have done since he was young.

We all do it sometimes, but being out of control regularly, physically or verbally, when punishing an angry teenager is just fanning the flames and teaching them that this is how do deal with conflict, they have a reason for their behaviour, they are going through the mood swings of puberty, adults don't.

My mum slapped me once during an argument as a teenager, I automatically reacted and slapped her straight back (not hard), after we just stood there looking at each other. I told her never to do that again and went upstairs. We never spoke about it, but I lost trust and respect for her that day and we weren't close for years after, no idea how she felt about it.

My DH has given a little slap to the DC a couple of times which is really upsetting but he also shouts, swears and puts them down with name calling and when I try to intervene he does the same to me (not the slapping).

Don't hit your kids or allow anyone else to.
A little slap? FFS. It is abusive.