Feel like 14yrs old has destroyed our family

[Runrabbit1]

He is horrible... I love him more than anything and we've always had a wonderful relationship but the last year has been hell.

He's so selfish, if he doesn't get his own way he becomes aggressive physically. He is always verbally aggressive. The following is what he's called me in the last 30 mins...

You're so stupid
What are you a retard.
F c** (to person on tv)
To me: f* ass**
F* t**
Bitch
What is your problem you spac
Shut up
I don't care

He's given up all sport and just eats rubbish. He has a great sporting talent and he's wasting it all.

He does have adhd but I feel this is no excuse

We are a decent family and not sweaters or aggressive. I feel like an utter failure and so ashamed that this is my son.

Help

What sanctions do you put in place? My DD was very similar (still is but slightly easing up now she's 16) she also has ADHD. From 13-15 was the worst every single day there was arguing , abuse and I dreaded going home. In the last few months she has matured somewhat and arguing is down to maybe once a week, generally when she doesn't get her own way 🙄. One thing I didn't tolerate was violence or smashing the house up , I called the police she never did it again. Hang on in there it eventually eases up , pick your battles very carefully, sanction consistently, praise when not causing mayhem and detatch as much as possible ! Things are a long long way from perfect but compared to last year they are so much better.

You shouldn't have to live like this. I think it might be time to call in some professional help. Speak to the school, speak to his GP. This isn't normal, not all teenagers are like this, especially not towards their own mothers. Imagine if he'd been born 150 years ago - would he have been given 7 years to dick about, abusing his own family when he turned 13, or would have have been expected to take on an apprenticeship or similar and get on with the job of being grown up? This is only going back 90 odd years but my grandmother took on a full time job at 14 and supported her family. Being a twunt just wasn't an option for her.

It isn't "him"
It's how he's behaving. So what happens? Consequences. Every time.

My DS can be like this too, he has ADHD too, it is really challenging. He can be delightful but can be really difficult. I am getting some coaching from our local ADHD charity. I really need help, I do sympathise. The combination of ADHD and puberty is hellish.

We are going through hell. Son has adhd had been verbally abusive for last year or so. Physically abusive a few weeks ago We called police twice. Smoking weed. When we challenge he gets aggressive and upsets our daughter who is 10 and who we are trying to shield and protect she is now getting support at school at our request forcanxiety . So we feel we cannot win. Regularly tells us to F off. And uses c word. We are hard working normal people. Feel like a failure all thectime

You need to remove privliges

TV XBox snacks (stop buying them) pocket money days out time with friends - everything

Empty his bedroom and lock his stuff away - he can earn it back when he's learnt some bloody manners

Maybe contact The Challenging Behaviour Foundation?

Have a look at this OP, it may help
www.livesinthebalance.org/parents-families

I agree with Astro55 it's REALLY hard thou. Only have healthy food in the house, I have a kitchen cupboard that locks with a key and it's a god send, everything goes in there money, choc, crisps, PS4 and other devices when confiscated. My ds13 doesn't have ADHD but he does have a bad temper that has got a little better tbh since school started working with him to help manage. When he's kicked off and won't calm down I tell him to have a shower, he's usually in there a while but it calms him down loads. One time last year he woke up still in a foul mood following the nights before temper about coming off devices, he demanded I give him back his phone, I said no way (3 days confscated) he pinned me against a wall and screamed in my face I slapped him accross his face, he did it again so I slapped him again .... on the 3rd time he walked off and sobbed and sobbed, I ignored him till lunch time, he looked totally defeated. Once he was calm we talked and he sobbed and apologised and we were better for a while, when he kicks off now he's never quite as bad. Clear boundaries with clear consequence and balls of steel help. I know smacking a lot might not agree with but in rare circumstances I feel the shock factor has helped... when I ask him why he doesn't behave like this at his dad's.... his reply is cos he is terrified of his dad, he's a policeman and has smacked him back when he was about 9 and he remembers it. He has total respect for his dad. At the end of the day as parents we are way more patient towards our kids than the big world in the future is ever going to be towards them, if they behave like this towards strangers in the future chances are they will come off a lot worse. All kids are different mine is very very strong willed, clever and has a temper. My friend only has to say to her son she's "disappointed" in him and she gets floods of tears. Having a determined child is hell while they are teenagers but in adulthood will take them far. Take regular breaks get out go for a walk away from them if possible. Good luck

Also my mistake in the past has been too forgiving, they really need to feel having to go without what they value.

Can you be sure he isn't smoking weed? My nephew was very similar and is now mid 29's and finally admitted to smoking weed from the age of 13 sadly and my sister didn't know but it ties in to the change in his behaviour

Just a different perspective for you...i was horrendous. Probably worse than this :( Brought up very well with manners, functioning hard working parents, a very good education blah blah
When i was 15 I turned into some sort of daemon. It went gradually from strops and tantrums to me getting into raged, breaking things, getting into at least 1 physical fight a day (sometimes with my poor mum), drinking and smoking every day, going out clubbing, letting random men pick me up at 1am in their cars (no my mum couldn't stop me because of happily kick a door through or climb out the window) and generally creating as much chaos as i could. Id be cutting myself, drinking and creating very very unhealthy relationships just to feel a little better- I'd wail uncontrollably for hours sometimes trying to knock myself out on a brick wall just to make it stop even tried to OD. From the outside i looked like a nasty spoilt beat but thank god my mum could see this wasn't who i wanted to be. At 16 I was prescribed with antidepressants which helped in some ways in the fact I was so tired I didn't have the energy but also helped me 'cope' with life a bit better. I look back at 23 and cry at the memories for what i put my poor wonderful mum through, I'll never know how she coped. We have an amazing relationship now.
I just didnt know how to cope OP. Could your son be going through something similar? I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Does he feel 'pressured' regards to the 'talent in sport'? If not would he try boxing or something? Does he have good friends around him?

Glad to hear that there is a possibility he'll turn out ok.
I've loved him and supported him in all ways, he gets alone time with me every day and try to do family things when they aren't out with friends but he has zero respect for me and not many others to be honest.That is not how I am or how he's been brought up... I'm so worried my 10yr son us start g to be damaged.
We are moving house in a few days and it's rented. If he acts like this we will end up homeless.
If I try to take anything away he breaks the house and screams and would probably hit me.

I want to point out that I am not some doormat. For want of a less cheesy phrase I am a strong, independent woman! But this kid is breaking me.... but it's worse because he's mine and the wonderful sporty happy boy he was has been taken by this monster.
If I'm nice to him... that's wrong
If I shout... that's wrong.
If I'm sympathetic. .. that's wrong
If I ignore... that's wrong!

I've tried every way and he's just getting worse. I have called the police once when he pushed me but haven't since as this time he'll get a criminal record.

Runrabbit1 I feel your pain. You are not alone in dealing with this. This morning I was told to F off. then he gets emotional, says he tired. I told him he needs to get more sleep and stop smoking weed. My advice is, if he is physically aggressive again then you MUST call the police. We have twice and they were fantastic. The second time was worse and my husband was sat on our son when they arrived to restrain him. (otherwise he would have hurt us or someone else). since they while verbal abuse continues, physical has stopped. If it happended again i would call the police again and ask them to look him up for a few hours to chill out (not sure if they can do this but it would certainly make him think). we have a 10 year daughter who is being affected by him too. school are helping her with art therapy. we shield her as much as we can. I've also told him that i find it disapointing that she does not have an older brother keeping her safe and looking out for her.

We are now paying for private sessions with a child psychologist to try and help him feel more emotions than just anger. Also requested an ADOS test too.

Read The Explosive Child and Lost in school (aimed at school, but can easily be applied to home), both by Ross Greene.
Far more effective than punishments and consequences, which, to be fair, if they worked would have worked by now.

This is so familiar. Mine has 'Asd traits' but not a full diagnosis. His dad and I aren't together but I have a good husband. This has nearly destroyed us as with the step family dynamic it's an extra complication.
I have to write down actions and consequences, and keep them short and relevant. So if he comes in late, he's grounded the next day; if he's verbally aggressive, he loses his Firestick for a week etc. I write them on the calendar, because it seems to make it real for him, to see it in black and white, along with a timescale.
It's bloody hard work though.
I have a 11 year old son with ASD but no behaviour problems, who I worry for. My 14 stays at my mum's a couple of nights a week just to give us all some respite.

Oh how hard for you.

From a different angle, rather than take things away from him, have you tried collaborative problem solving?

I really recommend Dr Green's ' the explosive child'.
It advocates working with the child rather than imposing your will on them. Identifying 'lagging skills'.
So he's not coping with certain things and that gap needs to be addressed.

There is a script to work with, so for example
' I noticed yesterday you really struggled with .......what's up? '
Then you work together to do it better next time.

I am struggling but my dd is 5 so very different challenges.
It asks you to 'change your lens' to see it from an empathic point of view.

thank you for the tip! I've ordered the book!

How is he at school?

I am a secondary teacher and a head of year so I hear from many parents who are despairing of their daughter or son behaving like this (or in other "teenage" ways that cause upset at home), but these are kids who behave well at school and often achieve good grades. I think a great deal of the teenage experience is putting on a face - being cool, mature, sexy, etc. in front of friends, all day long at school and 24/7 on social media, and it really takes it out of them when they are hormonal and tired and stressed. Family then take the brunt of it when the "mask" inevitably has to drop and they revert back to toddler like behaviour in the safety of the home where they can be themselves and show the emotions they try to play down in front of others.

That said, the physical violence is worrying, and I wouldn't want to try to make an excuse for any of your son's behaviour.

My colleagues and I have recommended restricting access to phones / tablets / laptops / X boxes etc. to parents, for example, the child has to hand them over to parent at 10pm each night, and this seems to be one of the most successful moves. It doesn't necessarily have to be a punishment but a way of helping the child get good quality sleep and be freed from the burden of messaging etc. for at least a part of the day / evening. It seems to be quite popular even if every child tells their parent that "no one else's mum makes them do this."

If there are any problems at school, is there a counsellor or anyone there he and or you could talk to?

Lastly, I agree with the other posters who've said to be consistent in your rules, sanctions, rewards, etc. at home. This stability will help your son to calm down, even if it takes months to start to show.

I agree LockedOut I think being a teen is hard enough but these days the pressure to maintain your public image is enormous. When I was a teen we were supportive of each other in our teen angst but today they are in competition with each other. Trying to keep up the facade of being cool, sexy, clever and talented while absolutely not feeling like this in reality is just incredibly stressful and draining. I see this with my DD and agree that at home the mask drops and us parents get the fall out.

"I don't speak to you like that so don't speak to me like that."

is one mantra I've trotted out. Also "I'm not speaking to you again until you are polite in how you talk to me." VAriant = "I am not aggressive towards you so what makes you think it's ok to be aggressive towards me?"

Make sure he gains nothing from being rude & aggressive in his speech to you. But don't rise to it, either. Don't give him the satisfaction of any visible emotional response other than a solid calm rebuff. You can have a private cry later.

Hi OP, I'm not going to hijack your post, but I was going to post about a similar thing and really relate to your problem. dS14 is sweary and sometimes abusive, destructive and violent, especially to his younger sister. We just don't know what to do either, tbh we live in fear of his moods.
I know is there can't be a one answer fits all. For our son, who has anxiety and social communication problems, sanctions and rewards have never really worked as they make his anxiety worse. All I ever hope is that it will get better in time and that he does no lasting damage to us or himself.

This thread is quite a few years old….but I am currently going through the same nightmare with my teenage son. I was wondering if things do get better as they get older? My son is 15….how much longer until the aggressive behaviours start to decline…🙁

Blueboocat - hang on in there. My son who was so difficult and aggressive at 14/15 is now 22. I would say it started to get better from about 16. Once those hormones stopped raging he learned how to regulate his emotions and cope better with difficulties and anxiety. He is now a delightful young man and a totally different person - kind, sensible and thoughtful. At 20 he got a very responsible job working with children and liaising with their parents - he got great reviews from them and has seriously considered a career in teaching - unbelievable when I think back! .

The hardest thing was feeling like nobody believed us (he kept it all in when at school) or thought we were to blame, that we were doing something wrong if he only behaved like that at home. Our next door neighbours believed us (they could hear it through the wall) and they are just coming out of a similar thing with their own son - he’s 17 and is much calmer now.

The best tips we were given were to back off before things escalated, let him learn to calm down on his own, acknowledge his anger and upset (and ours) and tell him if he wants to talk about something he’s not happy with we’d only do it when everyone was calm and not shouting. Also trust that he was listening to us even when it seemed like he wasn’t.

Please remember you are not alone, it will get better and never let anyone tell you it’s your fault or because of bad parenting.