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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My sons girlfriend is pregnant

46 replies

flaxensunshine · 09/09/2016 14:58

He is 18, she is (just) 17. They have been together about 6 months. I'm devestated. I can't stop crying, I'm only 38 myself so I had him fairly young and I have told both my children all their lives that I wanted them to not do the same, they should live properly first. I have a feeling that she probably wanted to get pregnant, but I can't believe he has been so stupid. They are coming round tonight to talk to me and DH and I'm dreading it. I also have DD 13, what kind of example is it to her!! Sorry I'm just ranting now, I know it's done and there is nothing I can do but I'm just so disappointed.

OP posts:

Starryeyed16 · 09/09/2016 15:01

Please don't be one of those
Mums that blames the girl, 9/10 it's the girl who end up with the main responsibility especially if the relationship ends she is normally the primary carer. If anything he's considered an adult and she's still considered a child especially if she's just turned 17, he really should of known better being the older one.

HereIAm20 · 09/09/2016 15:03

I really feel for you. My son's girlfriend told him she was pregnant over New Year and then said she'd had a termination that failed etc and I went through a whole range of emotions as I am sure you are now. In our case in the end it turned out to be a whole pack of lies!!

The thing to remember is to be supportive of what the girl decides for a number of reasons. Try not to say what your view is otherwise it may come back to haunt you. I'll post this now so that you know someone has heard you but I will type some more advice too.

humblesims · 09/09/2016 15:04

I'm sure others will be along with good advice but I have none. As a mother of an 18 year old boy I can only imagine how you must feel. He will need yours and DH support obviously and beyond that you can only help him to deal with this. Many will say that having babies young is not the worse thing and that may be true but I think if it were my son I would be in a bit of shock as you are. I hope it goes OK tonight, try to keep cool and try and step back a little and see what they have planned. Good Luck.

Owllady · 09/09/2016 15:04

This must have come as a horrible shock :( It's okay to feel disappointed but try to minimise that feeling of disappointment when with them. As you say it's done now, so put on a brave face and wish them well. I'm sure you'll feel a bit better about it when the shock wears off x

Original poster

flaxensunshine · 09/09/2016 15:08

I don't blame her at all, I'm sorry if it came across that way.

OP posts:

BabooshkaKate · 09/09/2016 15:09

Nice glass of gin should make you feel better 🍸

Let them do the talking.

HereIAm20 · 09/09/2016 15:11

What I mean is that if the gf ends up having the baby if you ever pressed for a termination (saying that they're too young etc) then if she has the baby she will always remember that you suggested a termination. This will be held against you at some point!

There is nothing wrong (if you believe that what might be best) in saying it is up to you and we will support your decision either way but only she can decide whether she wants to keep it. If she does, then I assume you will want to be a part of your grandchild's life.

Try to stay calm and supportive of both your son and his gf. I am the mum of 3 boys and I always felt it was worse to be the boys parent in this situation. If a daughter is pregnant you would have some sort of influence over whether to keep it or not and indeed would always have a relationship with the grandchild. As the boy's mum you really have no influence and are in their hands. Also there is a chance that you may not end up with the grandmother/grandchild relationship you expected from life.

Further whereas the girl has the genuine choice as to what she wants to do generally the boy will have to go along with what she decides.

it is heartbreaking to a mum of a boy that their son now has this responsibility at such a young age (emotionally and financially) but before anyone jumps up and down about it I appreciate they are responsible for creating the baby! Its just not what you'd choose and you can feel sad about that for your son.

As I said try to stay calm and supportive. They will work out what they want to do. Was university on the cards for both or either of them? If so will this still be a possibility? Ask where they saw themselves in 3 or 5 years time and so on.

What are your views on termination? Do you know theirs?

HarleyQuinzel · 09/09/2016 15:21

It will honestly be fine. My sister had a baby at 17, her little boy is 4 now. They planned it, although she's only admitted that to me and in hindsights she realises how silly she was but things have worked out.

I agree with making a plan, is he working or still in education ? Where will they live ? When will they be able to get their own place (assuming it works out) ?

HarleyQuinzel · 09/09/2016 15:24

You can use this as an example for your DD, not all examples are good ones!

Jellyshoeshurtmyfeet · 09/09/2016 15:27

I really feel for you. My eldest son is 15 and I hope he is never in that situation. However, I was pregnant at 17 and it was horrible so my advice is be kind and offer all the support and help you can. My teen pregnancy ended in miscarriage and it was hard to accept condolences when everyone had been so against it in the first place. I hope your meeting goes well.

Original poster

flaxensunshine · 09/09/2016 15:27

I'm fairly sure neither of them will want a termination, and I wouldn't suggest it to them, although if they did it would certainly be my preferred option.
Son is halfway through an apprenticeship to be an electrician, however he is skating on thin ice with his job and college as since he has been with her he has missed so much of both or been late. He has just had a warning at work for timekeeping etc and he is having to do an extra day at college to catch up or he would have had to retake last year!
GF has pretty much done nothing since they have been together. She moved from another town where she had an apprenticeship which she couldn't continue because of the distance. She has now just gone back to college to do hairdressing.
They live at her parents, he moved out about a month ago because he didn't like our house rules, but have remained close.
Added complication, my DH hates her! He doesn't make it known to anyone except me of course but he cannot stand her. I don't mind her but I don't like the effect she has on him or some of the choices and decisions he has made since being with her.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 09/09/2016 15:30

It's really hard as technically they are ''Adults'. Just be non judgemental and pick up the pieces

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/09/2016 15:34

I don't think they'll want a termination either - my gut feeling is that they wouldn't be coming to talk to you if that was their plan. Your son might mention it but it wouldn't warrant a conversation as a group.

Best of luck for this evening. They'll work it out, whatever happens. Life rarely goes the way we plan.

imwithspud · 09/09/2016 15:46

That must be such a shock. I don't think anyone wants their dc to have children so young, but it's done now. It's okay to be disappointed but do try not to express it in front of them or you risk pushing them away. Same goes for your dh. Be as supportive as you can.

Your son really needs to get his act together now. The fact that he is being late for work and missing college is entirely down to him, not his girlfriend (unless she has him under lock and key or something). Now he has a baby on the way he really needs to get his act together and start taking his work and education seriously.

imwithspud · 09/09/2016 15:48

Apologies for the over use of the term "get his act together"

gamerchick · 09/09/2016 16:12

You need to take a deep breath and keep your judgement to yourselves. As much as you say you're not blaming her it is oozing out of your posts whether you mean it or not.

This girl if pregnant is having your grandchild, you need to have some sort of relationship with her for that child's sake.

Scream, snarl into some pillows if you want first but try get it out of your system.

Original poster

flaxensunshine · 09/09/2016 22:06

They were too busy this evening to come and see us apparently. He says they will come round tomorrow morning but I don't want to talk about it in front of my DD as I haven't said anything to her yet. I guess they have made their decision and that's that.
I honestly don't blame her, he is the one who is an adult and should have used protection.
I like her when I see her and chat to her, I don't think I'm unreasonable to be totally disappointed that instead of planning nights out, or holidays they are now going to be parents. They are in my mind children having children.
Selfishly I also do not want to be a grandmother at 38, and if I'm being completely honest I am worried about what my parents/in laws are going to think, what other people will think. I feel like I have failed as a parent myself.

OP posts:

tired17 · 10/09/2016 09:01

Sorry i don't have any specific advice but just wanted to say that you haven't failed as a parent at all, I always think that we are programmed to always feel guilty/like failures when it comes to parenting even when, as in this situation, it is out of our control.

At the end of the day other people can think what they will, that is out of your control, just concentrate on your son and his girlfriend and supporting them with their decision.

MrsJayy · 10/09/2016 10:50

You have not failed as a parent you didnt expect this and you are shocked and dissapointed in them both I wouldnt want my youngest (18) to have a baby they shold be out having fun etc etc. however ithas happened it is not the end of the world and it might work out fine but they willneed support are you willing to support them both ?

Afreshstartplease · 10/09/2016 10:53

These things happen. All you can do is support them in any way you can.

imwithspud · 10/09/2016 10:56

You've definitely not failed as a parent. It happens and it's beyond your control. Ignore what other people think, as cliche as it sounds these things do have a way of working out. The important thing now is that they get the support they need.

MrsJayy · 10/09/2016 11:12

I had dd barely out of my teens it wasnt easy i was unsupported by my parents it was like a kick in the teeth. support is key tothem you might not like their choices or agree with them but its happening and how you and your husband handle it is whats most important not what anybody else thinks

NickyEds · 10/09/2016 11:15

I can completely understand your disappoint but you must not blame yourself in any way. These things happen. As a pp said I would congratulate them and let them do all of the talking. Tbh if they are adults and taking responsibility then there really shouldn't need to be that much of a discussion. I suppose a lot will depend on how her parents feel if that's where they're living?

Tinklypoo · 10/09/2016 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anametouse · 10/09/2016 11:49

And don't worry about the example it's sets your daughter, all kids are different. My sister had her first at 16 (amazing mum by the way, brilliant life, earns over £40,000 a year) I'm just having my first at 37! It seems she had no influence on me that way

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