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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My sons girlfriend is pregnant

46 replies

flaxensunshine · 09/09/2016 14:58

He is 18, she is (just) 17. They have been together about 6 months. I'm devestated. I can't stop crying, I'm only 38 myself so I had him fairly young and I have told both my children all their lives that I wanted them to not do the same, they should live properly first. I have a feeling that she probably wanted to get pregnant, but I can't believe he has been so stupid. They are coming round tonight to talk to me and DH and I'm dreading it. I also have DD 13, what kind of example is it to her!! Sorry I'm just ranting now, I know it's done and there is nothing I can do but I'm just so disappointed.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 10/09/2016 11:57

I wouldn't worry too much about the example it sets your younger child either, OP.

One of DS's friends became a dad earlier this year. The mum was due to sit her A levels and is now living in a mother and baby unit. DS has seen first hand how this has changed their lives and knows that this is not what he wants for himself at the age of 18. I couldn't have taught him a better lesson.

ITCouldBeWorse · 10/09/2016 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
flaxensunshine · 10/09/2016 17:40

Thanks all for your very kind words.
He has gone to a family barbecue with DH today, I haven't gone because it's a pretty male boozy afair, I'm hoping DH will have talked to him on the way.
I guess I just have to see what they intend to do, I keep telling myself it could be worse, nobody is ill etc but I just feel so devastated for them both, she is a child, she can't even buy a drink and she hasn't had a chance to experience anything in life yet. He is barely an adult, he thinks he is but again he hasn't had the chance to experience life yet.
Added to that I work for children's social care so I spend half my life listening to warring parents who hate each other and want to stop the other seeing the child, I don't want that to be them if it doesn't work out.
I work full time so I can't help out with childcare, but of course I would want a relationship with the child.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 10/09/2016 17:45

I get what you are saying you didn't want this for him or her it really isn't ideal is it ? and with you working with parents you will see how it can be.

Ledkr · 10/09/2016 18:10

This happened to my ds and his gf. They had to quit uni and I was very upset like you.
Fast forward 7 years and I have a lovely grandson and my dil is truly a lovely addition to the family, I ended up having a baby a year after so now we do stuff together and help out with child care. The kids go to school together as well.
Of course it's not been easy for them but they are fabulous parents and dgs is lovely.
I felt upset for a few weeks but then just turned my energy to helping them and making the best of it.
I had ds 1 at 16 and have made a success of my life so no reason they can't.

Ledkr · 10/09/2016 18:11

I also work in children's social care Shock

MrsJayy · 10/09/2016 18:19

I used to work but now volunteer in family social care so i see how it can work out or not sadly

milkyface · 10/09/2016 18:21

I can understand why you're disappointed, but 18 isn't a child.

All you can do is be supportive of them. It might not be what you wanted, but they're both old enough to make their own decisions now.

It doesn't mean his life is over..

youarenotkiddingme · 10/09/2016 18:26

It's not what anyone would want to happen but it does. And you sound sensible in your approach.

Maybe look at your experience in child SW at the success stories. The families you've supported who've turned things round.

It doesn't have to be doom and gloom and if they are risking their future careers through their infatuation for each other it's possible this will turn them round and make them see they have to be responsible.

Tiggeryoubastard · 10/09/2016 18:38

I have sons. I understand exactly how you feel. Dgs (3) was unplanned - the pill failed. They were 23/24 though, both in their chosen career and living together in their own house. They did agonise whether to go ahead or not, but decided to. Then had dgd just over a year later. It's worked out great but as I say, totally different situations.

Tiggeryoubastard · 10/09/2016 18:40

And I felt a bit embarrassed to become a grandma at 48 (had son at 24). I absolutely love it now, best thing ever.

Original poster
flaxensunshine · 10/09/2016 22:54

He came round to give DH a lift today, apparently he was expecting his dad to shout at him, DH was very reasonable, in fact he is being way more reasonable than me!! Said there is no point in shouting, what's done is done.
They are def keeping the baby.
I have arranged to meet them both tomorrow to talk X thanks again for all the advice x

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 10/09/2016 23:58

Good luck for tomorrow Flowers my mum was a Gran at 40 although I do know a 35yrold gran she had her son at 16 he became a dad at 17 woman has a son same age as grandbaby

MrsJayy · 10/09/2016 23:59

34*

16augustholiday · 13/09/2016 12:38

How is it going OP? DSD had a baby at 16, it wasn't what we would have picked for her but it has turned out OK. He is now 11 and just started secondary school. DSD went to uni as planned, with her baby, and is now back at uni doing a masters.

Never an ideal plan but it doesn't have to be disastrous. Flowers to you.

Original poster
flaxensunshine · 29/09/2016 21:27

Hi all, just want to say thanks for all your messages when I needed them!
It's a few weeks on now and I have come to terms with the news. They are living together at her parents. They are determined to go ahead and I have to support that. I have told my family who surprisingly have also been supportive. Just worried that they do not know what is going to hit them!!! X

OP posts:
DustOffYourHighestHopes · 29/09/2016 21:33

I can't emphasise more the long lasting consequences if you give them a big hug and at some point say 'I'm really happy for you. Congratulations! You'll be amazing parents'. Esp to your son's girlfriend.

Even if you don't feel these things, she (possibly he) will remember forever your neutrality and "coming round to the idea'.

Owllady · 29/09/2016 21:35

:) I'm glad you are feeling better xxx

worldsworstchildren · 29/09/2016 21:42

I had a baby at 16. My parents were supportive throughout.
My daughter got pregnant at 17 and I went apeshit!!
Double standards maybe but didn't want her to make same mistake etc

My point is no-one chooses this situation for their child but keep your counsel and don't voice your fears or disappointment to them.
It is ultimately their - and most probably just her - decision and all you as parent can do is help as best you can once that decision has been made.

Rorydogmum · 05/12/2022 01:51

Can I ask how this has all panned out? I’m in a similar situation

PritiPatelsMaker · 05/12/2022 23:22

@Rorydogmum it's unlikely that the OP will see your comment unless you @ her.

It might be best if you start your own thread Flowers

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