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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old DD staying at bf's house?

46 replies

chocolateworshipper · 04/05/2016 12:19

I know there are other similar threads on here, but I thought it might be better to start a new one than hop onto someone else's. My 16 year old DD has been in a relationship for a year and we really like the bf. She told me they were having sex after it had happened. Luckily they had used condoms, but I got her on the pill as extra protection (and told her to keep using the condoms too). She now wants to sleep at his house. I'm ok with it but husband isn't keen. My view is it's ok for us to say it doesn't happen here when we're home as my husband isn't comfortable, but does that then make me a hypocrite for saying she can stay at the bf's house? I thought it was hard when she was a baby, but you don't realise how hard it is to parent a teenager until you get there do you?!

OP posts:
HeyMacWey · 04/05/2016 12:22

I think I'd let her stay - are his parents going to let them sleep in the same bed?

It sounds like you've got a good relationship with her so why rock the boat over this. Easier said than done though.

ijustwannadance · 04/05/2016 12:30

Let her stay. It's great that your DD trusts you and can talk to you openly. They are already having sex and have been together for a long time.

Original poster
chocolateworshipper · 04/05/2016 12:41

Yes, his parents have said they can sleep in the same bed. We have met the parents a few times and we all get on well. I understand why my husband is reluctant, but at the same time I keep thinking how lucky we are that our DD is going out with someone we really like, with parents that we like, there is no alcohol or drugs involved, she has ASKED us to stay over, rather than lying about it etc etc

OP posts:
scarlets · 04/05/2016 16:19

No reason why not. She's old enough. You sound as if you've done a good job - you must be proud.

rogueantimatter · 04/05/2016 16:51

Do they want this to be a regular thing? How far apart do are your homes? I ask because there's a difference between having a sexual relationship and potentially spending the whole weekend together (IYSWIM).

Also, if you allow her to spend the night at her bf's home but he isn't allowed to stay over at yours there's a chance that they might spend much more time at his home than at your home.

We let our (17YO) DD and her bf stay over. I don't regret it - I knew that DD was on the pill and we knew and liked her bf and his family. And our homes aren't within walking distance and the public transport is very limited. Also we knew it would only be for a few months as they were both going to uni in our nearest city after the summer. But he was sometimes here till dinner time on sunday in our little, one-bathroom house..... (And when they broke up I missed him!)

It sounds like you're doing a great job but I thought I'd give you the benefit of my experience. I'd advise putting ground rules in place....

Kelsoooo · 04/05/2016 17:11

I think you should let her do it.

She's legal, she's been honest when she could have lied. Respect and trust works both ways. She respected you and trusted you enough to be forthcoming about everything...now its your turn to respect and trust her to make the right choices and stay safe.

MrsJayy · 04/05/2016 17:28

A year is a steady relationship for a pair of 16yr olds my dh was a bit iffy when Dd started staying over at her Bfs at not long turned 17 they had been together for a year too but I reminded him we were sneaking about at that age anyway im blabbing on I think its fine

MyBreadIsEggy · 04/05/2016 17:37

She trusted you enough to tell you she was having sex with the bf and that they had been safe - very sensible young woman! It sounds like you two have a great relationship Smile
I was 16 when I started dating my now-DH, and my dad was mortified at the thought of me staying over at his house, and didn't allow DH to stay over at ours for quite a while. My mum talked him down - she said that we were being safe (I had a contraceptive implant), I was above the age of consent, and she would rather us be discreet in either house than shagging in bushes in the park Grin

bigTillyMint · 04/05/2016 17:37

I agree that having sex and staying the night are two different things and I can see where the worry comes with that - it seems to make the relationship another big step more serious. It feels quite a grown up thing to sleep together probably on a regular basis.

However, she is 16 and they have been together for a year. I think it would be very tricky to try to stop her and could also lead to resentment.

I think I would have a talk with her about how it puts a new more serious slant on the relationship and ask her if she is sure that she feels ready for this and then let her make the decision.

FWIW my DD is 16 and has been with her lovely bf for 8 months. Luckily he lives round the corner so there has been no reason for him to stay the night, though I reckon he probably did when we were away for a couple of nightsWink

PlymouthMaid1 · 04/05/2016 17:40

I would let her but maybe speak to the other Mum/Dad too so that they are aware what you are 'happy' with. To be honest, if they already have a sexual relationship then it is going to happen anyway either in the safety and comfort of one of their homes or in a park/alley somewhere... I know which i would prefer for my daughter.

MrsJayy · 04/05/2016 17:40

Ah a fumble outdoors these teens with cool parents dont know what they are missing Grin

Kelsoooo · 04/05/2016 18:55

Sorry Mrs J. Do you have a problem with our responses?

Iggii · 04/05/2016 18:59

I don't see why they can't shag on the boyfriend's bedroom (since his parents are cool with this) and then she comes home. I think it is way too serious for 16.

MrsJayy · 04/05/2016 19:01

Of course not I was joking !

MrsJayy · 04/05/2016 19:04

That was for kelsoo who obviously didnt read my first post that was about my own Dd who stayed over at her boyfriends

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 19:13

I would let her in this scenario

rogueantimatter · 04/05/2016 20:07

Any other members of the household should be considered too IMO. Is your DD likely to be sitting around a family breakfast table for example? Lots of considerations......

Original poster
chocolateworshipper · 05/05/2016 17:41

Thank you so much for all the responses - very much appreciated. We are going to let her stay, after a conversation about ground rules.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/05/2016 17:44

LOL @ Mrs jay getting told off Grin

Original poster
chocolateworshipper · 05/05/2016 17:44

PS Mrs Jayy - I personally thought your second post was hilarious (and a little accurate) !

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/05/2016 17:45

It all sounds a bit full on for 16 tbh.

Moetandchandon · 05/05/2016 21:09

I am in a similar position OP with dd sleeping over at bf's house but he doesn't stay here. Difference is they've only been official for only 4 months now and she lied about where she was but was found out.
I feel like a hypocrite. She knows how i feel about it ( too full on, too soon) but at 17 I don't know what I can do about it without causing a rift in our somewhat fragile relationship.
But for now, that's how it is.

DownstairsMixUp · 05/05/2016 21:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DownstairsMixUp · 05/05/2016 21:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Moetandchandon · 05/05/2016 21:25

There is really no reason for dd to be sleeping over other than she just wants to spend the night with him. And she thinks its outrageous that I'm not comfortable with this and yes now it is a regular occurrence.