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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 year old DD staying at bf's house?

46 replies

chocolateworshipper · 04/05/2016 12:19

I know there are other similar threads on here, but I thought it might be better to start a new one than hop onto someone else's. My 16 year old DD has been in a relationship for a year and we really like the bf. She told me they were having sex after it had happened. Luckily they had used condoms, but I got her on the pill as extra protection (and told her to keep using the condoms too). She now wants to sleep at his house. I'm ok with it but husband isn't keen. My view is it's ok for us to say it doesn't happen here when we're home as my husband isn't comfortable, but does that then make me a hypocrite for saying she can stay at the bf's house? I thought it was hard when she was a baby, but you don't realise how hard it is to parent a teenager until you get there do you?!

OP posts:

TheSolitaryBoojum · 05/05/2016 21:29

Mrs Jayy, I remember being 16/17 and my dad being delighted that his little girl was wearing a frock at last on many occasions. He didn't approve of trousers for women, and I'd been living in jeans.
He never made the connection between al fresco fumbling and ease of access...
No way would he have permitted unmarried people to share a bed.

madamginger · 05/05/2016 21:31

When I was 16 my parents wouldn't let my bf sleep over so I stayed at his instead and as a result barely saw my parents and there was lots of tension at home.
I hope that my DD and I have a better relationship when the time comes

Fleurdelise · 06/05/2016 09:08

When I was 16-17 my parents were very open minded and allowed my bf to stay overnight at mine. I now realise how hard it must have been for them to take that decision.

My best friend however had strict parents and while they "allowed"her to have a bf she wasn't allowed to sleep around his or him around their house. The result was that my bf would constantly lie to them claiming she's sleeping around mine or another friend while she was around her bf's house.

I'd prefer to know the truth about where my DCs are at night.

soundofthenightingale · 07/05/2016 17:42

Lying might be some way of teenagers dealing with strict parents, or parents with values. I think it depends.

I don't think that should put parents off having their own values and sharing these values and concerns with their teenage children.

All parents and families have a right to have their own values that they think are in the best interests of their children. Values that may in fact be in contrast to current liberal views on teenage sex.

PortiaCastis · 07/05/2016 17:59

My dd is 17 and has stayed at her boyfriends more than once. Sometimes he stays here or they go out and come back here. I don't expect dd to be any different to me at 17. I would much rather she was having safe sex in a nice house thañ having a quickie in the park. Let's face it they're going to have sex no matter what we say. My dd would only say she was going tô stay with a friend if I stopped her from going to bfs house so there is no point. I know she is taking the pill because she she went to the Dr and got it then told me a couple of days later.
I think its good to be open about sex and associated health matters. I do wish her bf would get out of the shower a bit quicker in the morning though.

MrsJayy · 07/05/2016 18:03

My parents were ridiculously strict i was working FULL TIMEand getting grounded for coming in 10 minutes late no boyfriends in the house i went away with now Dh at 19 for 4 days had to say I was with my friend so yes values are fine and dandy but when you dont know where your children are its dangerous imo im not saying teens can have a revolving door in their bedroom for any random bf/gf but a bit of common sense is needed. Im not really that liberal but i think i was sensible and realistic seemed to work for us my dds never really lied as teenagers (i hope)

PortiaCastis · 07/05/2016 18:14

Ha MrsJayy the reviving door bit made me chuckle because my ndn has lots of gentleman callers throughout the day and I think she'd appreciate said door for inning and outing

TheSolitaryBoojum · 07/05/2016 18:17

'All parents and families have a right to have their own values that they think are in the best interests of their children. Values that may in fact be in contrast to current liberal views on teenage sex.'

And teenagers have always found ways round them. I respected my father's views, I didn't share them.

Moetandchandon · 07/05/2016 20:41

I agree that teens have always found ways round parents rules. I also don't believe that they are so desperate that they would resort to having a quickie in the park etc. In my day we just waited till the folks were out or had gone to bed. Never expected to be allowed to sleepover and would never even have asked. But I am old

Fleurdelise · 07/05/2016 23:01

Oh I forgot, I also had a friend who told me that, together with her also teenage sister (2 year age gap), used to put sleeping pills in their parents tea from time to time so they can go out and meet their friends/boyfriends. Apparently their parents used to think their girls were the best behaved teenagers compared to their friends "mischievous" teens as they were never asking to go out at night.

They did ask a few times but have been refused permission.

Bumperstickers · 08/05/2016 20:02

I've spoken to a few people in RL with dds of the same age (16/17) and they tell me their dds stay over at bf's but bf is not allowed to stay at their house. Is it that parents of boys have a different outlook? Its all new and confusing.

Ticktacktock · 08/05/2016 21:31

Dd is 16 and has asked for bf to stay over in her room. It's a no, and also a no from his mum for her staying in his room overnight.

They're going to have to be inventive.

slgsue1979 · 12/05/2016 19:31

Oh god I dread the day dd asks this question! I was 17 when I started staying at my bf (now hubby's) house but we were in separate rooms with strict rules which of course we always abided by
I think op is lucky and must feel blessed that she has such an open relationship with dd, whatever you decide I am sure it will be the right decision!

Original poster

chocolateworshipper · 12/05/2016 19:49

Many thanks again to all of you for taking the time to reply. We did let her stay at bf's house. He won't be staying at ours for now - DH just doesn't feel comfortable with it going on whilst he's in the house. I know some will think this is hypocritical, but dd was absolutely fine about it, and said she wouldn't feel comfortable with sleeping with bf with dad in the house anyway!

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 12/05/2016 21:46

You all have to do what you feel comfy with.

BreakfastLunchPasta · 12/05/2016 22:03

I've got all this ahead of me in the not too distant future. Dd1 is 16, has her first really nice bf (that she actually has fun with! They are chattering and laughing on the phone right now :)), they've only been 'official' for a few months but I knew they were crazy about each other before they did so it's not too serious yet. They've had sleepovers at both houses, but in different rooms.
I'm really not looking forward to the awkwardness when she asks to take it a step further, I'd feel such a hypocrite saying no, but I know dh won't be keen and we have younger children too who will find it all completely fascinating

I agree with whoever said it was so much easier when they were babies!

leonardthelemming · 13/05/2016 11:12

It's good you have a resolution. But I have a question. When my children were this age, I was in the situation of being the father of the boy. I (we) had no problem with a gf staying over. There have been a number of threads on this topic and it does seem to be the case that parents of boys are more likely to agree than those of girls.
Can anyone explain this - in a rational way, not simply "I don't feel comfortable"? It can't be a moral objection to the daughter having sex, or fear of an unplanned pregnancy, because very often - as in the OP's case - the girl's parents don't object to her staying at the boyfriend's.

And here's what I think is an interesting point. One comment sometimes made is that teenage relationships rarely last, so there is no point in allowing teenagers to sleep together. They will still find a way to have sex. This link

www.health-science-spirit.com/neurosex.html

implies (or at least suggests) that having sex and then just stopping and going home separately may be a contributory factor to the breaking up of relationships - compared with having sex and then snuggling up and actually sleeping together. At least, that's my interpretation. I suspect some may disagree. Discussion point?

Ticktacktock · 13/05/2016 14:42

Interesting link, but my brain cannot connect that to the teenage sex life, and i cant see that the teen brain would relate to it. That is a mature outlook, I have no doubt it is correct.

My reasoning is, my daughter is still only 16. She is emotionally vulnerable and immature in many ways. I would imagine that this time next year there will be another boyfriend, and he won't be shagging her in her room either.

tuesdaywednesday · 13/05/2016 17:19

I don't want my dcs to stay forever with their first ever girl/boyfriend and not break up. Why on earth would I? It is meant to be temporary!

Ticktacktock · 13/05/2016 18:55

My point exactly. That's what I meant when I said this time next year there will be another boyfriend, this one is her first one, and even though he is lovely, I doubt he's the one she will marry.

When she does she can fall asleep next to him after sex and do all that stuff.

leonardthelemming · 13/05/2016 19:28

Interesting. This link

www.edinformatics.com/news/teenage_brains.htm?fullweb=1

makes two valid points. The first is that it is the outer cortex which is rewired, whereas hormones act on the limbic system (which is not rewired) and therefore the teen brain should react in the same way as an adult brain would.
The second point is that teenagers can, when not stressed, make reasoned judgements at almost adult level.

This latter point agrees with my own experience of working with teenagers. Unfortunately, teenagers do seem to be more stressed these days. They certainly worry about exams more than I ever did. But increased stress can raise the level of the hormone cortisol - OK for short periods but not so good long-term. Snuggling, interestingly, raises the level of oxytocin. This reduces cortisol levels as well as having other benefits.

I find this interesting. I must confess, however, that I'm not a specialist in either biology or neurochemistry, so the above is based only on what I've read. Feel free to correct me if I haven't got it quite right.

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