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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18yo DS wants to stay at home

37 replies

Lemonylemon · 27/07/2015 14:37

while me and DD (7) go on holiday for a week. I don't trust him. He is adamant nothing will happen and he's not going to have a big party. Is it me? I'm really not happy.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 27/07/2015 14:38

has he got the option of coming with you? Why doesn't he want to go?

Why don't you trust him?

Sorry just need a bit more info!

Buttercup27 · 27/07/2015 14:38

I don't think you can force him to go as he's 18 but maybe you could get someone to house sit for you.

Original poster
Lemonylemon · 27/07/2015 14:43

Yes, he's got the option of coming along. He was part of the group going. He's just said it's boring and we do boring things. He says he would prefer going on holiday with his mates. The holiday has been booked for ages and he has dropped this little bomblet today. Five days before we go.

I don't trust him because I have let him have a party out in the back garden on NYE and ended up having to placate the neighbours when DS's mates kicked down next door's back fence. We had a BBQ for DS's 18th at the end of May and I had to go out and clear up broken glass from the neighbours' (plural) back gardens....

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 27/07/2015 14:47

In that case I'd tell him that if he's not coming then he's not stopping at home so he can either find a family member or friend to stay with - then you take away any keys he has ,lock the house and tell a neighbour or friend to contact you / police if they see anyone in the house whilst you are away . BTW I'd happily leave my teen and older dc home but yours has proven himself to be untrustworthy.

GraysAnalogy · 27/07/2015 14:48

That means you'll have paid for him won't you, I'd be furious about that!

And I don't blame you at all for not letting him have the house to himself. Is there anyone to house sit?

Original poster
Lemonylemon · 27/07/2015 14:55

He's adamant that he's not going to go to stay with a relative. He says that he's 18 and an adult and doesn't need babysitting.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 27/07/2015 14:59

He says that he's 18 and an adult and doesn't need babysitting

When he can prove he can act like an adult, he'll get treated like one. He goes on the holiday, end of.

Maroonie · 27/07/2015 15:01

Well ask him where he is going to stay then.
If he doesn't need you to organise him somewhere to stay 'cause he's 18' then he can find his own accommodation for the week.

TheOneWiththeNicestSmile · 27/07/2015 15:04

He may not need babysitting but your house does Grin

2 choices for him - come on the holiday or stay somewhere else (as long as you can make completely sure he won't be able to get in)

& I'd try very hard to get a house-sitter if he stays behind

(BTDTGTT Hmm)

Original poster
Lemonylemon · 27/07/2015 15:12

Thanks all. I'm glad it's not me. These are all arguments I've put forward and just get shouted at because I don't trust him. Because he's 18 and an adult. Ad nauseam.

OP posts:
TheOneWiththeNicestSmile · 27/07/2015 15:21

You don't trust him because (so far) he's proved himself/his friends untrustworthy.

I never understand why teenagers don't quite get this reasoning Grin

Original poster
Lemonylemon · 27/07/2015 15:24

No, nor do I.... :(

OP posts:
takeinyourhen · 27/07/2015 15:31

What are his plans for September?
Does he have a job?

I'd not trust him either, nor would I want my holiday spoilt worrying every day about what you're going to go home to.

Rosieliveson · 27/07/2015 15:35

I agree with the posters who say that trust needs to be earned. That's what you tell him. Being 18 and an 'adult' does not automatically earn trust or adult treatment.
It's understandable that you do not want to leave him at home unsupervised when even supervised events have gone awry.
I don't know how you could force him to go with you though. I suppose the only option would be to get a friend/relative to stay with him or tell him either you all go or no one goes.

AngieBolen · 27/07/2015 15:43

If he refuses to go on a holiday you've paid for make it clear you will be paying for no more holidays for him in the future.

Also make it clear that it's not him you're worried about, it's the house, and he is not staying there alone, as you don't trust him based on his and his friends previous behaviour. The house will be closed for the week you are away, and he can either choose to come with you, or find alternative accommodation.

He's behaving like a big toddler.

Original poster
Lemonylemon · 27/07/2015 15:46

Thank you everybody. I was wondering if I was over-reacting, but I don't think I am. I will worry all holiday, I know I will.

He has a bit of a chequered history of school/college. Got asked to leave a college course last year because of bad attendance. Spent the last year doing sweet FA, not even helping around the house (ie. cleaning up after himself). Starting a new course this September.

OP posts:
cdtaylornats · 27/07/2015 19:09

Friend of mine installed a doorman/bouncer from his pub to stand at the house door and block visitors. His DS wasn't happy.

wickedwaterwitch · 27/07/2015 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wickedwaterwitch · 27/07/2015 19:15

Have read your posts properly now, NFW! I'd say he must come with you, as you've paid but the alternative is NOT being home alone

Much sympathy!

Gymbob · 27/07/2015 21:02

if all else fails, pay for him to go away with a mate at he same time. I think I'd even consider a hefty donation towards the mate's costs.

anything to keep him out of my house. wouldn't care about the cost. I will be in the same situation with dd soon. hell will freeze over before she's left home alone.

GraysAnalogy · 27/07/2015 21:11

Like hell I'd pay for him to go off and have a jollie after 1. He'd pulled out last minute of the originally holiday because it's 'boring' and 2. He can't be trusted in the house.

feckitall · 27/07/2015 21:16

OP ...As he has shown himself to be untrustworthy he will have to earn it back. In the meantime he will have to make alternative arrangements..as an adult..

When I was 18 my DM and her dickhead DH were going abroad. The day they were leaving his DM turned up with bags. She had been asked to 'babysit' me. She thought it had been discussed with me, it hadn't, I was fuming.
They had no reason to not trust me and I had no wild friends..in fact no real friends at all...I just wanted to be independent for 2 weeks!
After 2 days she announced it was unfair on me and I was quite capable of managing and went home. She was lovely unlike her prick DS!
I left home the following year and her DS hasn't spoken to me unless forced to since...30 years has passed!

badg3r · 27/07/2015 21:25

Has he got a job? If he's 18 and an adult he will of course manage to buy his own food/bus fares etc while you are away... Wink I would be uncomfortable too.

Original poster
Lemonylemon · 28/07/2015 09:12

I could ask him if he wants to bring his friend along on our holiday - there are enough beds Wink Grin

Him staying at home by himself for a week is just not going to happen.

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 28/07/2015 10:42

Bringing a friend will make a world of difference to his enjoyment. Seems like the best option. Hope he goes for it. Lemony

He might genuinely want to have a week of doing his own thing at home though - 17YO DD apparently had a great time at home on her own for four days doing nothing much except 'being independent' - but we had no particular reason not to trust her not to have a party, especially as two other friends were having parties that week that she was going to.

We've let our teens bring friends on holiday and it's worked quite well.

Sorry if this is irrelevant, but have you explained the financial and time-consuming consequences of your house getting damaged - how insurance works etc? At his age he probably thinks you're making a fuss over nothing if you haven't.

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