Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18yo DS wants to stay at home

37 replies

Lemonylemon · 27/07/2015 14:37

while me and DD (7) go on holiday for a week. I don't trust him. He is adamant nothing will happen and he's not going to have a big party. Is it me? I'm really not happy.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 28/07/2015 10:50

Yes inviting a friend sounds like a brilliant way of negotiating it.

It's the age-old half child half/desperate to be an adult problem, but yeah, however angry it makes him just keep reminding him that as his track record isn't good he'll have to wait until you feel able to trust him again. He can demonstrate that he's more trustworthy than he used to be by taking responsibility for various thing in the home to help you out and then holding himself to a high standard in fulfilling those responsibilities.

Original poster
Lemonylemon · 28/07/2015 11:39

rogue Yes, he knows about any damage to the house. Thing is, I'm a lone parent and we've had a fairly rough time for most of DS's life. Neither DS's nor DD's dads are alive and DS isn't at college at the moment and has the house to himself all day every week day and is up half the night too. So he has his independence, he's just acting like an entitled eejit.

Holger Yes, these methods have been tried, but he just doesn't "get" it. Thanks though, I'll be reiterating the point to him.

OP posts:
Crosbybeach · 28/07/2015 12:05

I absolutely understand the 'entitled eejit' bit. Had same problem with DSSs - and a big row about it as there were complaints from the neighbours who were on the verge of calling the police.

DH finally laid down law, after lots of prevaricating, but also I think they just kind of grew out of it (now 19 & 21). But that could be famous last words. It was the lack of respect for our house that really got to me.

I think you are in a really awkward position. Do you have anyone who could come round and keep an eye on the place, or who would be willing to be given as a telephone number to neighbours so if there's any trouble they could ring?

It's totally wrong that you should have to jump through these hoops, but you have to put somethign in place. You could also tell him you've said to the neighbours to ring the police if there are any problems.

rogueantimatter · 28/07/2015 14:46

Ah - so he wants to have mates round for a blokey/teenagy time and he doesn't want to go with his 'boring' mum and little sister.

From his (selfish) pov I can see why he doesn't want to go. Have you tried telling him that it would be nicer for you if he goes, with or without a friend? He could have a lot of freedom to do his own thing but also be another (young) adult as company for you and to be a help with his sis. Unless he's so grumpy that he spoils it for the three of you.....

Are you going by car? We let our 16YO DS take as much of his stuff as we could; x-box, lap-top, electric guitar and amp. Definitely worth it if it's possible.

achieve6 · 28/07/2015 14:47

lemony - you know what he's going to say don't you - he will say "I can't prove I'm trustworthy alone in the house till you actually leave me alone in the house".

sorry if I missed it, you paid for him to go on this holiday? Is he going to pay you back?

Maybe ask him to do certain things to earn back trust, e.g. jobs round the house, pay you back for holiday if he isn't already.

morey · 28/07/2015 18:22

We have the same dilemma. For our summer holiday DS (17) is coming with (extremely reluctantly). We left him one night last summer and a 100 teenager party took place and basically at any opportunity he sneaks friends over
in October we are going to Egypt (he will be 18 by then) and told him already that he can't stay at home as he wont come. We will lock up and hope and pray all is ok.
We have yet to see any consistent signs of trust being warned back. Good luck!

Original poster
Lemonylemon · 30/07/2015 14:02

Update: Compromise reached yesterday (fingers crossed that it will stand, although DS tried to renegotiate last night). He will be coming on holiday, but ride his motorbike there. That will give him the freedom to come and go.

OP posts:
TheOneWiththeNicestSmile · 31/07/2015 10:56

Hm
Come & go where?
How far is holiday from your house? Wink

Well done for getting a compromise anyway, lemon. Do not weaken!

Original poster
Lemonylemon · 31/07/2015 13:38

Update: He has gone back on the compromise and will be spending the week at a friend's place. I'm not backing down on him being at home for the week.

OP posts:
TheOneWiththeNicestSmile · 31/07/2015 14:42

How sure can you be that he won't just come back home?

Have you got 2 lockable doors, one of which he doesn't have a key for?

If his one is a rim lock (? surface mounted) you can lock it with the catch; if it's mortice you can just leave a key in the lock on the inside.

Then exit via the other door!

I've given this a lot of thought, can you tell? GrinHmm

specialsubject · 31/07/2015 15:20

he hasn't been trustworthy when supervised so why should you trust him when he isn't supervised?

repeat as necessary.

and make damn sure he can't get in the house while you are away. Add an extra lock if necessary.

as an adult, he can book and pay for somewhere else to stay.

specialsubject · 31/07/2015 15:21

also sounds like it is time, as an adult, that he thought about getting a job and moving out...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page