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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 yr daughter and sex - help

46 replies

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 08:50

Hi, my 16 yr old is in the middle of sitting for her GCSE exams ( she is an 'A' student and I'm concerned her grades will not be what she is capable of). I found out that she lied to me about 'revising in the library' last week when she actually went to her 'best friend's' house and had sex (a boy who she has known for 3yrs) it was her first time. He has been active sexually for a number of years and during the last few years, he has had girlfriends and cheated on them. Her friends are concerned for her and not happy with her choices regarding this boy, so she doesn't talk to them about him anymore. I sense that she is infatuated, excited, confused, isolated, out of her depth and more)
I found this out by reading her texts , without her knowledge ( guilty vs want to help her? )
Any help would be greatly appreciated. X

OP posts:

DosDuchas · 07/06/2015 08:51

I don't see the problem.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/06/2015 08:51

What do you want to do? She's 16, old enough in law and social convention. Id be surprised if she told you that she'd had sex! Would you expect her to? I know some teens do but I don't think it's the norm. What advice are you after?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/06/2015 08:52

And do you usually read her texts?

PeaceOfWildThings · 07/06/2015 08:58

Make sure she is taking the pill AND using condoms. Other than that, it is her body and it is much better to learn these lessons at 16. Be prepared to get her some counselling to hwlp her not repeat the same mistakes over and over.

Take out any kind of harahness or overbearing/controlling manner in how you talk to her and deal with her. It will help her self esteem and it will also mean she's more likely to come to you if she needs to. Let her get the grades she deserves. A levels count more than GCSEs. Being protective of her grades is sending the wrong message to her.

Original poster

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 09:07

My concerns are:

Her grades will suffer
This boy has had a host of behavioural issues including panic attacks, missing school, self harming for which he has been in therapy for and says that my daughter has been his rock through it all?? He is also a very high achiever. I don't think that she is equipped to deal with his 'stuff' and be emotionally tangled up in too.
she's started to lie to me about where she is.

I don't usually read her texts, but just sensed that things were not right so had to find out so how.

Am I worrying about nothing?

OP posts:

Finola1step · 07/06/2015 09:12

She is 16. She's entitled to a private life. By reading her texts, you stepped way over the line imo.

You are now in a dodgy position. You need to talk to her about safe sex, about protecting herself emotionally. But this will be very hard to do without revealing that you read her texts.

I think you should concentrate on making the next few weeks comfortable for your DD. Get her through her GCSEs. Keep the lines of communication open. And give her a chance to talk to you herself.

Athenaviolet · 07/06/2015 09:15

She sounds like a normal healthy 16yo.

You sound like a controlling overbearing mother.

DosDuchas · 07/06/2015 09:17

Op. She's a teenager. Apron strings. Loosen

CaptainAnkles · 07/06/2015 09:17

I would be feeling worried too, but it really does sound like you need to take a step back and give her a bit of freedom. Wouldn't you prefer her to feel like she could tell you the truth about what's doing rather than her lying to you and you having to invade her privacy to find out?

DosDuchas · 07/06/2015 09:18

Wrt texts in not so sure. A mate found somethings on her kids that she was glad she had seen. Illegality etc. so jurys out there.

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2015 09:24

You need to be open with her did she tell you she was seeing this boy or did you find out through the texts? you need to say you are not that bothered she has a bf but she needs to be honest with you i cant see how having sex would make her grades slip. This relationship is new and exciting for her this boy might muck her about a bit or he might not thats kind of how relationships work, if you make this forbidden and dont give her room to talk to you then she will continue to sneak about and lie imo. Oh and make sure she is protected

m0therofdragons · 07/06/2015 09:24

If you step in and start banning her you're far more likely to affect her grades. I think you need to stay back, be there for her and get her on the pill - little drama as teens love drama.

I know you probably want to shut her in her room and keep her safe from being hurt but all you can do is be there to hold her when she needs to pick up the pieces.

Op she has life lessons to learn - it's hard to watch. for you.

mrstweefromtweesville · 07/06/2015 09:26

Ask her to be sure to let you know where she is when she's out, and to keep in touch so that you know she is safe, now she's a young adult and will be out and about more. Check she has access to condoms, as he might not bother.

She's mid-exams. She might have thought sex was just what she needed.

ceebelle83 · 07/06/2015 09:27

16 years ago, I was your daughter. I lost my viriginity at my boyfriends house when I 'was at the library revising'. Luckily, I didn't have a mobile phone for my mum to invade my privacy and spy on me.

I was a secretive and cagey teenager too. And I still managed to get my predicted grades at GCSE and A Level.

Your DD has shagged her boyfriend....your brain doesn't slide out your ear the minute you lose your virginity. She will get her GSCE's if she has been doing the work over the past two years.

If your DD doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about sex, it's because you infantilise her...as my mum did with me. She is legally an adult and entitled to a private life, whether you approve or not.

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2015 09:28

When my adult dd was going through stuff at 15 i read texts not to snoop but to make sure she was safe I only did it for a short while and when the crisis was over i didnt again

ceebelle83 · 07/06/2015 09:36

PS the absolute worst thing you can do next is to let your daughter know that you know/you read her messages. She will feel so betrayed, invaded and violated. You really need to NOT do that.

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2015 09:39

God no dont tell her you read her texts

BewilderedAndAngry · 07/06/2015 09:40

YANBU to be worried.

YABU if you think you can do much about it other than be there for your DD, don't judge, don't voice what concerns you have about the boy in front of her, make sure she feels supported.

I think rather about grades, I'd worry about STIs and her being able to be a strong partner in this relationship rather than him calling all the shots.

Speak to her from adult to adult, woman to woman; don't talk to her as if she was a child.

NerrSnerr · 07/06/2015 09:45

I don't think there's anything you can do. If I found out that my mum read my texts aged 16 I would be really upset.

Original poster

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 09:59

Ok Ok, I get the privacy thing, but I know my DD is heading for heart ache and pain and my instincts are telling me I need to help her, especially as she can't call on her mates about this.

Are all of you guys really telling me you've never delved into your children's lives, albeit uninvited when you know they are going to be hurt??

OP posts:

ceebelle83 · 07/06/2015 10:04

Hurt and heartbreak is an inevitable rite of passage for all teenagers, you can't prevent it happening and neither should you. I know this is agonising for you but you need to trust your daughter to make up her own mind.

At least she will have the summer holidays to get over it. And her friends WILL rally round her if it does all end up going tits-up.

Also, how do you know this lad isn't absolutely crazy about your daughter? He might treat her really well...she may just be the tonic he needs to pull him out his darkness...or, he may indeed be a little shit. You know nothing about their relationship...you're going on the hearsay of teenage girls!!

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2015 10:08

Well not us all i have had to other posters have or empathise with you, but what can you do tell her she cant see him again ever how is that going to work out for you ? What you can say is you need to study on these days for so many hours then you are free to do as you wish yes this boy might break her heart you cant prevent that even if every instinct you have is to lock her in her room away from him

Jinglebells99 · 07/06/2015 10:10

I think you are getting a hard time here. I have a 16 yr old ds and a 13 yr old dd and I would be concerned at my dd getting involved with that boy at this stage of GCSE's. I would be worried about std's. I would suggest she concentrate on her studies for the next couple of weeks anyway as the GCSEs will be over soon and she will be free to do what she wants in the summer. Up to a point!

sumoweeble · 07/06/2015 10:20

Aww. It is so massively tough to watch teens doing their thing. Because, mostly, it is all about observing (in horror) and responding if they turn to you and there is little to be done, all too frequently. Do talk to her about safe sex, tell her you love her, try and spend time with her when she's not GCSEing or having sex or with her friends (hard I know). Sometimes all you can do is desperately hope that they will somehow struggle through and it doesn't all come crashing down around their ears but be ready to catch them and hug them and love them if/when it does.

PeaceOfWildThings · 07/06/2015 10:40

She was heading for heatbreak and pain as a teenager from the moment you gave birth. Teenagers are meant to do this. It's good. Just accept that she has to make her own mistakes and her own happiness and live her own life.

Get a new hobby and live your own life.

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