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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 yr daughter and sex - help

46 replies

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 08:50

Hi, my 16 yr old is in the middle of sitting for her GCSE exams ( she is an 'A' student and I'm concerned her grades will not be what she is capable of). I found out that she lied to me about 'revising in the library' last week when she actually went to her 'best friend's' house and had sex (a boy who she has known for 3yrs) it was her first time. He has been active sexually for a number of years and during the last few years, he has had girlfriends and cheated on them. Her friends are concerned for her and not happy with her choices regarding this boy, so she doesn't talk to them about him anymore. I sense that she is infatuated, excited, confused, isolated, out of her depth and more)
I found this out by reading her texts , without her knowledge ( guilty vs want to help her? )
Any help would be greatly appreciated. X

OP posts:

PeaceOfWildThings · 07/06/2015 10:41

I know I sound harsh. That's because I am talking to myself of about a year ago!

MotherFluffer · 07/06/2015 10:57

I realise it must be hard to watch but I would let things run their course - loooooads of girls make bad boy choices, she has to learn and unfortunately that might mean getting her heart broken (but let's face it, it'd be temporary!). I think the focus has to be on condoms etc etc to keep her safe and unpregnant and you can just have 'the talk' because she's now over 16 and you 'think it's time', no need to mention the texts etc. use the moment to reiterate that she can always come to you for support no matter what...

Original poster

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 11:04

Thank you guys, this is my first post and really helps to get different perspectives, even the harsh and "judge" ones!

Brings tears to my eyes that I have no choice but to stand by, watch and pray that all goes well for the one person that I would die for in a heartbeat. Omg emotional!!

Wrt reading texts vs privacy - the jury is still out for me. Judge me if you will! Imo it's a big, harsh, challenging world out there and I brought this little person into it, it's my job to do everything in my power to ease that journey ( would you still have the same views if drugs or something else dangerous or illegal was involved?)
Xx

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Original poster

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 11:08

Mother Fluffer - thanks that's exactly what I'm planning to do. X

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Mrsjayy · 07/06/2015 11:09

It is hard to watch but she is growing up as parents we need to let them make mistakes have their heart broken tbf this boy might adore her yes he has his own problems but your dd might be normality for him

PeaceOfWildThings · 07/06/2015 11:15

I'm not judging you for reading her texts actually. I have read my DD's 'private' 'anonymous' (with photos of her) Tumblr account to keep an eye on her through a suicidal patch before she turned 16. That was breaking an unwritten moral code according to my DD and we just agree to disagree on that. Now we all follow each other on Tumblr and if she has some other account she uses for watching snuff gifs, then I don't know aboit it and she can talk to one of her counsellors about that.
But I can tell you from experience, your DD cannot ever find out you read her texts. Texts are private. Breaches of confidentiality by parents is one of the most common reasons for relationship breakdown. Do as MotherFluffer advises and just get her to go on the pill and get her condoms because she is 'that age now'.

Mrsjayy · 07/06/2015 11:16

The cageyness drove me nuts dd1 used to act like she was in the secret service or something , conversation went like this where you going "out" who with "friends" will you be back for x time "probably"

MotherFluffer · 07/06/2015 11:18

I would have read texts if the chance came up too, just to keep an eye on what's going on. you have to pick your battles - yes you could keep her away from the boy by laying down the law and locking her up, but she'd only come to resent you for it. i had a friend at school who had very strict parents, they hated me because i was 'a bad girl' (i wasnt, just by their standards against their golden girl). she was the one who was sneaking boys into the house during the day and lost her virginity at 14...

Original poster

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 11:21

Thanks peaceofwildthings, I agree I will not be telling her about the text reading x

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Original poster

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 11:27

Mrs Jayj. I'm guessing all is now well with dd1?

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Mrsjayy · 07/06/2015 11:31

Yeah all is well she is 22 now she did fine in her exams just finished her degree got a nice boyfriend. She had a horrible boyfriend at 16 only lasted a few months thankfully

Original poster

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 11:33

Yey there is hope x

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Mrsjayy · 07/06/2015 11:35

I dont know why she was so cagey about stuff I was quite strict but not so strict that i stopped her doing stuff half the time i was just trying to make conversation

ceebelle83 · 07/06/2015 12:19

OP I hope you don't think I was trying to be harsh. I definitely wasn't intending to offend, just trying to be objective. I do appreciate that you are worried.

twistletonsmythe · 07/06/2015 12:23

please don't judge him for having panic attacks. He could be a lovely boy struggling with a shitty home life. Perhaps you should get to know him and support him. Food job your DD isn't as judgmental about him don't you think?

twistletonsmythe · 07/06/2015 12:24

Good

longlistofexlovers · 07/06/2015 12:26

but I know my DD is heading for heart ache and pain and my instincts are telling me I need to help her

Experiencing heartbreak is a good thing as a teenager. It teaches you so much about yourself.

ByeByeButterfly · 07/06/2015 12:50

I can completely understand how you are feeling I was 16 just less than 10 years ago and I thought I knew it all but I was in actually a very abusive relationship.

Personally what I would do is:

-- Let her know you are there for her. If she wants to talk to you about anything you'll be there to listen and not judge, but to be there to help her. Try your best to stick to this- so if she tells you something, don't flip out or shout at her but offer constructive advice. I know this is hard to do, but it's what's really best for your daughter.

--Although it's not ideal as this guy sounds like a bit of a player he isn't actually hurting her or anyone else, so there isn't much you can really do.

I don't blame you for one second for being concerned - who would want their daughter to be used by someone? But she's of an age now where she has to realise this for herself.

I hope she realises this before too long.

Original poster

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 13:47

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pass judgement on this boy, just stating the facts. he has his issues and some have been bad enough to be suspended from school for a while, but he has got counselling and therapy and I'm proud that my DD has helped him or at least tried to help him through some of his darkest moments.

My first concern has got to be for my DD and that she doesn't get drawn into an explosive situation that she isn't equipped to deal with.

Thanks for all you advice, understanding, comments, even judgements.
X

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AtWorkNotW0rking · 07/06/2015 14:21

I'm going to completely against the grain here. I'd go absolutely bonkers if I found out that my 16 year old had gone to a boys house to have sex when she had told me she was revising for her exams in the library. And yes, I have a 16.5 year old DD who is currently doing just that ( err the revising, not the sex! )

She's 16. Not an adult as a previous poster said. Yes, she can legally have sex but that doesn't mean that you as a parent have to like it or condone it. I don't check my daughter's text messages ( although I did sporadically until she was about 14/15 - not because I gave a toss about the usual teenage witterings but because I wanted to make sure she was safe ) but I do stress to her how vital these exams are and that she must stay focussed and when we had ' boy issues' two months ago I was a whole gamut of supportive / helpful/ and then cross when I felt she was mooning about too much.

In your case I'd talk to her. I'd stress what an important time this is and that boys should be put on the back burner for now and you've noticed that she seems very distracted. I'd also express my disappointment about her having sex with this lad - NOT because it's shameful but because it's causing her so much unnecessary grief at an important time. I'd not have a problem telling her I'd looked at her messages if this is what I'd done. You might not want to tell,her you've looked at her phone though.

I dont consider myself over bearing or controlling. My DD can come and go as she pleases more or less and I'm easy going as a rule. She'd probably agree this but she'd also say that I have a tendency to go on a bit I couldn't care less - you've got to do the job of a parent, not her bessie mate and sometimes that involves laying down the law or saying it as you see it. Doesn't mean she has to listen of course but you'll have known that you did all you could to help her

Original poster

KSol1964 · 07/06/2015 14:41

Thanks 'AtWork ...... sigh of relief :) x

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