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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Out of control Teenage daughter

29 replies

Dizzy79 · 26/01/2015 21:38

Basically she lies, swears at me and her teachers, having sex, drinking, smoking, truanting sanctions such as removing phone, taking away pocket money, grounding do not work. Asked for help from Social Services as she is violent towards me and my younger children, they sent out a woman who basically puts condoms on bananas for a living, daughter has told her I beat her up and don't cook her any tea, had to remove her to my mums as scared of what she will do next. Anyone else having problems getting help? I arranged counselling for her she has been to two sessions, took her to GP they referred to the banana lady????

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2015 21:41

Call the police every time she is violent to
you or your younger children. It will really help to get proper SS intervention

Original poster

Dizzy79 · 26/01/2015 21:43

I rang the police, they turned up nine hours later, she basically laughed in my face.

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LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2015 21:47

Ok, did you make a report? Have the injuries recorded? Statements taken from the children?

Viviennemary · 26/01/2015 21:48

I agree with calling the police if she is violent. I think you have a duty to protect your younger children. I'd have her taken into care. I know it's a last resort but you simply can't tolerate the violence. Unless there's a willing relative she can stay with. She should be out of your house.

Original poster

Dizzy79 · 26/01/2015 21:52

No by the time they got here it had all calmed down, I don't want to get her arrested, its happened that many times I think I just got used to it?? My problem really is getting outside help, the school want to excluded her but managed to talk them into giving this counselling time to work, I think I am just cross that they sent out this young woman who looked like a rabbit in the head lights! She just wanted to get her to go to youth club, my daughter is out partying with older teens, this woman has made a contract up for no violence, I mean what do I do hold the paper infront of me? I restrain her when she becomes violent, I have to restrain her when she is trying the leave the house, she was trying to leave to go to a house party where the police had raided it for drugs, I have to pull her out of bed to go to school, now she has the power to say I cannot touch her, I don't hit my daughter at all but tonight she sat and told so many lies I just couldn't keep her here :(

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Viviennemary · 26/01/2015 21:56

I'd give her an ultimatum. Toe the line or else you will be asking her to leave. It's the only way. I wouldn't restrain her from leaving the house or when she becomes violent I'd just tell her to leave. Because it's not going to get better till things change. She is as you say out of control. What would happen if you told SS you simply didn't want her living at your house any longer. How old is she?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2015 21:58

You don't restrain her at all. And yes of course you should leave it up to the police to arrest her, you don't choose that - they do. You just tell them what's happened.

Do you want her taken into care? How old is she?

Original poster

Dizzy79 · 26/01/2015 22:01

She's 14. I did this before xmas and told her she would have to live at her Dad's he refused to have her. I asked this teen worker tonight and she said she has no way of removing her, I can't understand why they have sent this woman who cannot help?? Plus she (banana woman) is making things worse, my daughter is very manipulative and she just fell for everything she said?? I would loose my job if I got arrested for this. This weekend I did not try and stop her coming and going, she turned up drunk, vanished again and stole £15 from my purse, when I confronted her she shoulder barged me into the wall, so I threw her out the house, Banana lady sat looking at my daughter as if to say poor you???

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2015 22:02

And yes, touching her is something you shouldnt be doing. If she doesn't go to
School then the consequence is hers and the school will intervene and try and help you if she refuses - you forcibly pulling her out of bed is a bad idea.

If she's taken into care or she goes to live with another family member even if it's just for a short time it might help you. You sound like you really need help.

Original poster

Dizzy79 · 26/01/2015 22:03

When someone is biting and punching you what do you do?? Any ideas? She wont leave when I ask her too?

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LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2015 22:04

She hasn't fallen for everything she said, she's just listening.

Your front door locks both ways - if she goes out don't let her back in or only let her back in under certain conditions. And hide your purse - if you've a car lock it in it?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2015 22:05

Don't ask, call the police. You're being assaulted, you call the police.

Original poster

Dizzy79 · 26/01/2015 22:06

I did the whole leaving her in bed and contacting the school to say she wont come in, I had to go to a meeting with the truancy officer, I asked for her teacher to be there, senco ( daughter has dyslexia, which has been a huge battle to get help with) I explained everything, asked for help and the truancy officer said " this was meant to be a listening meeting where you listen to me and sign this form".. She only took notice when I recited "Every Child Matters"

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Viviennemary · 26/01/2015 22:07

I'd stress that your younger children are at risk. Go and see your family doctor and ask how you can get her removed from your home as you are worried about your younger children and her violence. You absolutely should not be expected to deal with this. Don't put up with punching and biting. She certainly needs more help than you're getting. You need a break from this totally horrendous situation and she probably does too.

Original poster

Dizzy79 · 26/01/2015 22:07

I normally have my purse in my bag in my room hidden, let my guard down there!

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Original poster

Dizzy79 · 26/01/2015 22:10

I agree, she is angry and upset too. The thing is I am a well educated lady, I know the theory of teens but when its your own and you crying out for help which you have to fight for it gets to you?? If that makes sense? I told the GP all of this, I told the first social worker who came and they passed it to the banana woman?? Honestly I have talked to my daughter about safe sex, got her on the pill, talked about internet safety. I think she has some serious mental health issues but no one is listening to me??

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Parsley1234 · 26/01/2015 22:14

My friend went through this with her daughter the school social services her own banana woman were USELESS my heart goes out to you it is a terrible mess and no one seems to be able to help I don't have any words of wisdom for you and until people have seen it happen they don't believe how useless the system is. Good luck I hope you get a good decent professional person to help you with this situation. My friends daughter made herself homeless at 16 lived in a homeless shelter got pregnant even though my friend had asked for her daughter to be given contraception no one listened now there is a babyin the mix and an unemployable uneducated mother not great xxx

Original poster

Dizzy79 · 26/01/2015 22:23

That's my worry for her. She is really bright but very immature. I am annoyed at the attitude to the situation, they have asked that I go to these parenting lessons. I said I am willing to do whatever it takes, however, my two youngest are well behaved, good manners and do well in school, Is it my parenting that's at fault? I have asked myself that over and over, have boundaries, sanctions, have fought her corner with the learning difficulties etc.. I just think my teen has issues and I don't have the tools to help her, Thank you for the sympathy!! I need to vent and my close friends are out of ideas too!

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Parsley1234 · 27/01/2015 15:07

I really really feal for you I also fostered problem teens and to be honest the lack of forward thinking and letting the decision be child centered wound me right to the max, it's as though the lowest common denominator was good enough ! Anyway what I suggested to my friend was get really on it notify your mp then the press then anyone who will listen sadly your child is not an isolated case ! I remember the youth worker turning up to a foster child speaking street language interspersed with babe Hun looking like Julia Roberts in pretty woman more the before not after good luck xxx

cleo14 · 27/01/2015 20:03

Sorry if you've already stated this in above comments but has her behaviour always been challenging or did it just arrive with adolescence or has something else happened?

lljkk · 27/01/2015 20:23

Have you asked SS to take her into care, OP?

Original poster

Dizzy79 · 28/01/2015 21:00

I rang SS yesterday and explained why I was cross at this banana lady, today a family support woman came out, mean looking, straight talking and I instantly liked her! She seems pro-active! Lots of meetings set up with schools etc, I just hope she can pull something out of the bag. Really miss my daughter but house is much calmer!

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Heyho111 · 28/01/2015 22:35

It's very easy to blame parenting when you haven't experienced a child going through this. My s wasn't quite that bad but it wasn't far off. The anger comes from no where. I knew it was the effect of hormones but it's so horrid to be living around it. Yep sanctions etc just added fuel to the fire. One little thing that did help was that when he moaned or started I agreed with him. Eg. I f ing hate school - I did too sometimes. Agreeing normalised his feelings. If I'd said. It might get on your nerves but you need to go to get exams. Me trying to solve it just causes anger. I used to agree in all situations. I look shit in my clothes - I have days when I feel like that. Everything I put on looks naff. Once you've said it walk away.
This won't help be able to be done in serious situations but it may stop some situations escalating. My s stopped at about 18. It was 4 years of anger. But it did stop. And now we are a family again. I wish you luck.

Original poster

Dizzy79 · 28/01/2015 23:04

I might try that!! thank you!

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Original poster

Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 06:04

Things have become much worse. Daughter still not home, support worker on long term sick, daughter now not attending school, school demanding she goes back, councillor backing my daughter who is basically calling the shots.Daughter now saying she has bi polar and was taken away by SS, psychiatrist involved, no mental health but emotional problems. Had to make an appointment with solicitor as all decision are being made without me, meetings are ridiculous as daughter is telling a room full of professionals how its going to be then cries when I tell her she needs to be in school. Feel like a complete failure, daughter now bringing up every f...k up I have made in her life.. It makes me sad that she forgets the times I have been there

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