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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I keep getting too emotionally involved with my D life.

28 replies

Heyho111 · 07/12/2014 23:17

Just interested to know if anyone else finds it really difficult to not get emotionally caught up in their D problems.
I feel that any friendship / boyfriend etc problems effect me as bad or even worse than they effect her.
It really gets on my nerves that I can't step back from it.
Does any one else feel like that or have tips on how to have more perspective.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 08/12/2014 00:03

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BackforGood · 08/12/2014 00:21

I agree with Quietly. I am astounded the number of minor details parents seem to worry about (when reading posts on here) from what homework they are doing to what their friends are saying Shock

I have 3 teens - all busy people. Dh and I both work, both volunteer, both have hobbies, both spend time getting dc to where they need to be, and actually feel it's pretty important for our dc to learn to cope with a bit of adversity, and to make decisions about things on their own sometimes, if they are to become strong, independent adults.

Nepotism · 08/12/2014 00:26

I don't think it's odd at all! Still feel more hurt by pain inflicted on my DDs than on me and my youngest is 19. I don't think there's any way of switching off those protective feelings.

I don't ask but they do still come to me with problems and yes, I worry AND work full time. Having said that, I'd rather know than not know.

I think the detachment is a gradual process. Then you'll start worrying about your grandchildren ;)

Original poster
Heyho111 · 08/12/2014 06:28

Thank you napotism.
I too work and am busy with everyday life. I don't want to know the ins and outs of her life. But you get told or overhear a loud conversation and my heart sinks and my head starts worrying. It is over protectiveness coming out. She too is an older teen. I thought it would get easier as they got older but it hasn't.
I know it's my problem and I wish just being busy would stop it but it doesn't.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 08/12/2014 09:43

Same. I try to remind myself that no-one goes through life without making mistakes or being hurt, but it's hard to remember to do that.

Sorry this is no help - but I tend to interpret everything as a cause to worry/likely to go wrong etc. Are you like that too?

Original poster
Heyho111 · 08/12/2014 10:35

Hi chocluvva. You wouldn't believe how much I do that. I get so cross with myself. It's ridiculous. I'm not a parent that gets involved in the situation but worries ridiculously in the background. I think girls being so vocal doesn't help the situation. I often whip it up into something enormous in my head and I've got it completely wrong. Every time I think I've learnt from it , I won't worry needlessly again and then go and do the same again. I honestly get right on my own nerves. X

OP posts:
bobs123 · 08/12/2014 10:41

The problem with DDs is that they come to you with their problems... you worry on their behalf... they sort out their problems but never let you know... so you're still worrying. Then some time later you ask if they've sorted out whatever it was and they just say it was no big deal. That leaves you thinking...yes but it was a massive deal at the time!!!

Nepotism · 08/12/2014 13:27

My mantra with my DDs has always been "will this matter in a week?". It's taken me 50 yrs to work out that that is the best question to ask myself. They are so emotional you get dragged down then suddenly the next day the drama is over for them but it takes you a while to catch up!

arlagirl · 08/12/2014 13:29

I am the opposite. Very hands off.
We have a very open relationship.. She knows I'm not easily shockable, and I laid down ground rules very early .

constantlyconfused · 08/12/2014 16:00

I am just the same. I get anxious (ridic i know) but teen girls can be so vile i'm still haunted by my teenage years ;-) . I'm glad DD feels able to chat to me but a part of me wishes she'd hold tiny bits out. As sure enough they end up being friends again and I smile sweetly despite me seeing and hearing the real them. I work full time and am very busy if DDs having a crap time it really affects me. I am getting more used to the drama now so its not so consuming now gets better as things always pan out .

Original poster
Heyho111 · 08/12/2014 16:09

It's a weird mixture. I'm not shockable, we have an open relationship. The stuff that gets me is the social nastiness of girls. Most issues do disappear without a trace but some linger and some are just unfair. I know it's what they go through , I know some deal with it better than others and I know there are friendship changes along the way. But it leaves me worrying and reeling when I don't want to.
I like the will it matter in a week or even six months. I may play that subliminally to myself in my sleep. Like I said , I don't want to be a worry wart but I just can not stop it. One day it will sink in.

OP posts:
TheFirstOfHerName · 08/12/2014 16:14

I get too involved in the life of my children, but the academic side of it rather than the social side. I know more about the syllabus of each GCSE course than DS1 does. Every time he has a controlled assessment, I am on edge all day and want to hear exactly how it has gone. I do realise this isn't healthy and that I need to take a step back.

TheFirstOfHerName · 08/12/2014 16:15

I read an article once about how you can support them without actually getting on the rollercoaster with them. I found that analogy helpful and try to remind myself to stay off the rollercoaster.

arlagirl · 08/12/2014 16:41

I am not involved in academic side eitherSmile
Or dd's university applications.
I am a crap parent.

TheFirstOfHerName · 08/12/2014 17:42

I am a crap parent
Or a good one who enables independence, depending on your viewpoint.

Bunbaker · 08/12/2014 17:57

I wish I could be more hands off, but I can't stop caring or worrying. I am astounded at those of you who don't seem to care.

I suspect it is because you probably haven't had to deal with some of the teen issues that some of us have, or you have more than one child, or your child(ren) have lots of friends, or you have family living nearby etc, etc. Some of the threads in this topic are heartbreaking.

arlagirl you clearly have a confident daughter who didn't need to be reminded umpteen times to do her homework. Not all children are like that.

I have encouraged and encouraged and encouraged DD to be independent, but she is scared of her own shadow, has been bullied at school, dumped by her best friend and boyfriend - and the nastiness has lasted for several months, not just a week. All this has severely damaged her self esteem. Your daughter is obviously made of different stuff or hasn't had to deal with the crap that my daughter has.

Original poster
Heyho111 · 08/12/2014 18:28

Hi bunbaker
I believe that some girls are equipped to brush off nastiness and carry on with the friends who dish it out. I wish they all have that ability. But they don't. Parents that can step away and not get emotionally involved to the extent that some say they do are extremely fortunate to have studious kids that can bat off any nastiness thrown their way.
I'm so sorry to hear what your D is going through.
In my case it's a mixture. My neurosis and her situation is to blame.
There is a book worth getting her. How to beat bullies meanies and other teasers. It may give her some strategies to cope. X

OP posts:
TheFirstOfHerName · 08/12/2014 18:32

Bunbaker has a point. I used to just let them sort their own work out, but 18 months ago we discovered that DS1 had been getting more and more behind and was also quite unwell (anxiety, panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts). The mental health problems were triggered by family tragedy rather than academic problems, but being behind with work caused more anxiety, which then caused problems with concentration, and it became a cycle.
He has now been well for over a month, but I am still over-involved with his work, perhaps because I blame myself for taking my eye off the ball 18 months ago.

Bunbaker · 08/12/2014 18:33

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Original poster
Heyho111 · 08/12/2014 19:20

Oh sorry. Yes she may be a little old for it but the strategies are similar.
I hope she gets through the nastiness. I do feel for you. X

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 08/12/2014 19:43

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constantlyconfused · 08/12/2014 20:12

Bunbaker I have had the same with my DD. Vile we resorted to playing little games like them.childish yes ;-) Whilst they posted digs about DD on social media DD put lots of "can't wait till tonight :-)" worked a treat.I think the joy of bullying is show no care.It shouldn't have to be like that i know. DD was so anxious but if she'd cry or look sad they'd get some sick thrill so a good laugh in the face was also handy.

constantlyconfused · 08/12/2014 20:14

Sorry not joy silly use of words I meant the joy for the little cows is taken away when the victim doesn't care or at least pretends they don't.

arlagirl · 08/12/2014 20:31

Dd actually has struggled since she was a 7 with severe anxiety and ocd. She has self harmed, run away and threatened suicide.
But at 18 can cope a lot better.

Bunbaker · 08/12/2014 20:34

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