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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

13 year old having oral sex

45 replies

Alexis43 · 11/06/2014 09:49

My 13 year old son was given a b* job by a girl, same age. Hadn't expected to have this sort of issue for another 3 or 4 years. I am trying not to get this out of proportion ( I know children experiment and what 13 year old boy would say 'no'?) but fear he is in danger of ruining his life (what if he is prosecuted?)

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 11/06/2014 09:52

What have you done about it?

Original poster

Alexis43 · 11/06/2014 09:54

We have told him not to discuss it and to deny it if asked. He has apologised to the girl for telling his friends. We have explained (again) that he is too young, that it's illegal, that he could screw up his life...

feeling totally sick about this...

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 11/06/2014 09:56

Have you spoken to the girl's parents?

BuzzardBird · 11/06/2014 09:57

I take it that you mean deny it to his friends, not an adult?

weatherall · 11/06/2014 09:59

I think he needs an urgent lesson in respect.

He bragged to his friends about his 'conquest'?

That poor girl. Her life will be hell now.

Does he understand the consequences of his actions?

Tbh you sound more concerned with the risk of him getting a criminal record than with the torment this girl will be going through at school.

Have you punished him?

At least now other girls might know to keep a wide berth from your son.

gamerchick · 11/06/2014 10:00

How did you even find out?

BuzzardBird · 11/06/2014 10:03

I was going to say that you need to discuss his attitude to females but I can see that you are going through enough at the moment.

Babesh · 11/06/2014 10:03

Do not speak to her parents. I presume this was consensual so there would be no issues with legality. You should raise it with school, this girl sounds vulnerable and is possibly now being bullied and blackmailed as he told his friends.

Work on his respect for himself and others, he has been cruel in sharing this with his peers.

cathyandclaire · 11/06/2014 10:09

First ...breathe...the risk of prosecution and a criminal record for two consensual teenagers of similar age is tiny. 13 is terribly young but sad to say I have heard of many other 13/14 year olds giving and receiving, in a sort of Bill Clinton style teenagers just don't seem to view it as sex now. However the tendency for gossip to spread around the school rapidly hasn't changed, in fact with social media it's got worse.

Agree with the other posters, the emphasis should be on respect for the person he's with, not feeling peer pressure to get involved in anything sexual when he's not ready ( this does happen and I'm sure there are teenage boys who say yes not because they want to but because it would seem uncool not to) and not kissing and telling.

Original poster

Alexis43 · 11/06/2014 10:10

She told her friends, they asked my son about it, he confirmed it. Some kids have made some unkind remarks to both of them, and she told him she doesn't want to go out with him any more. He is devastated about this. We have had 3 nights of tears.
I have explained that she is a vulnerable girl, and that there is more at stake here for her than for him. He understands this but says he really loves her.

OP posts:

BuzzLightbulb · 11/06/2014 10:13

I'm of the old school that thinks at 13 the only thing he should be doing would be in the privacy of his own room and in the company of a box of tissues !

You found out, and it seems he has demonstrated some immaturity in dealing with the experience which suggests he wasn't ready for it. And I hate to think why the girl felt she ought to.

That's my biggest worry, what have they been exposed to that makes them think this is a normal act between b/f and g/f at that age? What pressure is that girl under to think that he shouldn't just keep it zipped?

OK, so I'm old fashioned. But if he has told all his mates then her name is going to be trash now, and her self esteem rock bottom. And I guess not his g/f for much longer and it'll be a while before another comes near him.

Which might be no bad thing.

Original poster

Alexis43 · 11/06/2014 10:15

Thanks for this. Feeling like a lousy parent.
When giving him the 'sex talk' many years ago, I really did emphasise the importance of sex being part of a loving relationship, and the emotional harm that could be caused to both parties if it was not part of this.
Even though totally consensual, it's still an offence. I am terrified that they could both be prosecuted, so don't want to approach the school or her parents. Oh God...

OP posts:

BuzzLightbulb · 11/06/2014 10:19

Quick retraction on the blame thing for your son, posts crossed.

Why did she tell her friends? Because she was upset about it? Or a little bit of bragging rights?

It does sound more like she was upset. Degraded possibly not too strong a term?

Forgive my moral outrage but I just find them way too young for this.

ExCinnamon · 11/06/2014 10:23

I would definitely approach her parents.
This is not a time to be embarrassed. They've done what they've done and have to see each other every day at school for years I suppose.

I'd sit them and the parents at a table and talk about it. That they are too young, that it's inappropriate, and how to deal with the embarrassment from now on.

But that's me, I'm used to talking to teens, find the right words etc. If you cannot do that, get help. IMo the worst thing now to happen is nothing. It won't just go away and they both could be emotionally damaged by it.

Original poster

Alexis43 · 11/06/2014 10:23

He never gets to watch 15 DVDs/computer games. His phone doesn't allow internet access and we have tight parental controls on all home PCs. But friends download TV shows on their i-phones in the playground so I know he has watched shows like the'the In-betweeners' and some kid had 'wolf of wallstreet' on his phone at school. I think that's an 18. Not sure what more we could do.

OP posts:

fromparistoberlin73 · 11/06/2014 10:26

Breathe....its happended now and clearly it was too much, too soon for both of them.

No crime has been committed by either of them, and in my opinion the school does not need to know

as for her parents, again thats their family issue not yours

I think you need to calmly discuss with him. Tell it was far too early, tell him that he should treat girls with respect

I think if he can confess that it was too much, and you can listen he will learn his own lesson

These things unfortunately happen, its how we react and learn thats important

poor boy, but he will learn and move on. Doing adult stuff too early lost him a relationshiop he cared about

Original poster

Alexis43 · 11/06/2014 10:27

I too am morally outraged. Of course they are too young. I am in no way condoning this. I've come down hard on him. I just don't want to come down so hard on him that he never confides in me again or lies about what he does.

OP posts:

Babesh · 11/06/2014 10:27

No reason why you are a crap parent, young teens have been exploring sexually for as long as they have been around.

At 13 it can be fun that went too far, neither seem comfortable with it retrospectively or it could be a more worrying sign that this girl is especially vulnerable.

Neither would be prosecuted, schools are full of teens experimenting with sex. It would be inappropriate to approach her parents but a really good thing to take to the member of staff trained in safeguarding.

Shenanagins · 11/06/2014 10:28

I think you need to sit down with him and get to the bottom of this. Why did he think this was ok, did he feel pressurised into it, did he pressurise her, why did she tell her friends - to brag or because she is upset, why have they split up.

Once you have all the facts you will be able to make a more informed decision on what to do next.

Etah · 11/06/2014 10:33

I would definitely approach her parents

I would be careful with this, since you probably can be sure of the parents reaction and if it will make things worse for the girl.

However, I don't have experience with teens ....

BuzzLightbulb · 11/06/2014 10:34

I couldn't tell another parent that !

I could maybe go so far as explaining that you know they've been 'experimenting' and they've handled it badly and that's why they've split up.

That might give her mum enough info to give her a chance to talk about it, then you might be able to get the two of them together. I can't see them being mature enough to talk about the act itself, but their feelings for each other maybe.

He might have to get used to the idea they won't be going back out together any time soon, even if they wanted to I think the school gossip machine would make life hell for them.

A learning experience for you all, I don't think you can blame yourself, they made a poor judgement call for whatever reason and now need to live with the consequences.

Mitchy1nge · 11/06/2014 10:43

prosecutions have to be in the public interest

you are being a bit melodramatic, understandably

unlucky83 · 11/06/2014 10:45

Alexis - he is highly likely to have seen much worse than the inbetweeners ...
I asked my DD (13) if she had seen any porn when there was a report on the news about it ...
She said two boys at school were sitting in front of her (and her friend) in a class waiting for teacher to come in watching porn on a mobile phone...in such a way DD could also see it. Also similar has happened on the school bus...
And she doesn't go to a bad school in a bad area ...vast majority of the pupils there come from middle class backgrounds...
(And it makes me really really sad but I don't know - apart form talking to your DC - what more you can do as a parent to protect them...)

LucasNorthCanSpookMeAnytime · 11/06/2014 10:55

Maybe I'm missing something here but I would be as worried about the boy as the girl! People seem to be assuming it's the boy who has done the wrong thing but the girl could have 'forced herself on him' (for want of a better phrase) and he could be the one who feels degraded. And the OP only said that her son talked to his friends, she didn't say he was bragging about it. He could have talked to them for reassurance "this has happened, I'm really worried..." etc.

Shenanagins · 11/06/2014 11:03

Lucas i was thinking the same, people were quick to point the finger at the boy.

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