13 year old having oral sex

[Alexis43]

My 13 year old son was given a b* job by a girl, same age. Hadn't expected to have this sort of issue for another 3 or 4 years. I am trying not to get this out of proportion ( I know children experiment and what 13 year old boy would say 'no'?) but fear he is in danger of ruining his life (what if he is prosecuted?)

omg, I would certainly not tell the other parents. I would hammer down on him about diseases & respecting intimate partners more.

Same as lucas and Shenanigans. They are both children and both victims in this. OP's son is obviously very upset and us stating our outrage at the situation isn't helping her as I'm sure she is pretty outraged and upset herself.

Actually, I have to say, you sound like a really good parent. From what I can see you have done everything in your power to lesson the chances of him getting all the wrong messages through internet porn etc. You have spoken to him about emotions and sex and it seems that he believes that he loves her and that is why he did it. I think sometimes outside influences work against all the good things that you do.

I am sorry that he is heart-broken :(

I think you just need to keep talking to him. Obviously 'respect' (self and otherwise) is something that needs addressing again re the gossiping. I hope the girl is ok too. Why did she tell her friends?

Oh, I really feel for you. They are obviously both too young. It does sound like your DS may have been coerced.

Unfortunately it seems to be the culture in some schools for teens to try this sort of thing way too young Some teens think that they are being big and grown up doing it and are proud - that seems to be the case with the girl, although she may have other issues going on which have led to her behaving like this.

Some teens are the physical size of an 18 year old at 13/14 -and some seem to have the hormones buzzing around so much. Is he in Y8?

Please don't panic, I think it's great that he was able to talk to you about something that was upsetting him. Isn't that what we what as parents, that our children can come to us when there's a problem?

I really don't agree with all the outrage. Thirteen is too young- but this happens with young teenagers all over the country, IME some girls can feel that being sexually forward, will make them admired/loved/popular. It's easy to get carried away. I think understanding and a listening supportive ear is what he needs, not a telling off.

I really wouldn't call the parents or the school, just be there for your boy, as you have been.

I don't have any advice, but I agree that there's been a bit of leaping to conclusions about the boy being the 'villain' here: bragged about his 'conquest', other girls should keep a wide berth, he might have caused her to be blackmailed ...

I think you sound as though you're handling it well, OP. At least he's told you and you can talk to him about it.

What a shame for them both. The GF told her friends presumably to look exciting and grown up in front of them. They gossiped and it's all backfired on both of them.

They've behaved immaturely, but done nothing immoral. 13YOS usually are immature....

Hopefully something else will come along soon to keep the gossips busy.

What a horrible shock for you OP.

Alexis you sound like you're doing really well here. I'm very impressed you can have these conversations with him. I feel so sorry for both if them. They have to grow up in a world full of east access pirn and they have no privacy.

He'll learn valuable lessons from this with such a great mum behind him. Best of luck. X

I'm impressed that you have parental control on your internet and have made sure your son can't access anything in appropriate on his phone? So many parents are totally reckless about letting kids have uncontrolled access to the internet. It the equivalent of leaving a pile of extreme hardcore porn mags in their bedroom and 'trusting' that they won't take a look. It's the epitome of bad parenting.

OP, have you double checked that he hasn't any inappropriate photos. If he was daft enough to do what he did he may be daft enough to have photos.
I really feel sorry for both of them. It such a stupid thing to do. I don't think you have to punish him, it sounds like he is suffering enough already. I hope it all settles down soon. I have older teen sons and daughters and it really is a minefield out there.

I think you need to talk to the school, and make sure there are no negative repercussions for the girl. Your boy will be a bit of a hero, but she will be slut shamed- that's the culture.

She's vulnerable in this situation, and it would be awful if she was bullied online or offline about this. She might take drastic self harming action, or worse.

The school need to know, so they can help her, and your DS too.

Make sure there were no photos.

Another one saying make sure there's no photo/video. I'm a secondary school teacher and I've known of a few instances where things have gone too far between young teens and it's all got hugely out of hand when a photo or video got shared leading to all kinds of shit including expulsion and prosecution.

You sound like a good mother OP- this, sadly, happens a lot amongst young teens now and the girls are just as guilty of being predatory and claiming "bragging rights"'often. It's all really sad. Well done for limiting his access to the internet too. Wish there were more parents who did.

That's my biggest worry, what have they been exposed to that makes them think this is a normal act between b/f and g/f at that age?

Ok, so when I was 13 a girl in my class was caught (by a few kids) doing this exact same with her bf. I am 40. 27yrs ago there was no internet, no mobile phones. etc.

They said they did it because they "wondered what would happen", they were both learning about their bodies and wanted to know how it felt.

There was no indication that either of them were subjected to anything untoward. It all went away fairly quickly, to be honest.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that teens are right in the middle of changing, figuring out how things work & there will be some experimenting. It doesn't always have to mean that they were subjected to anything.

OP, I would make sure you also reiterate that sex its a private thing, it isn't something to 'brag' to your mates about, or gossip about.

I agree, underage sexual experimentation has been around forever, and there is nothing in this particular scenario that points to porn. Or to coercion for that matter (assuming the OP's ds is telling the truth). In fact the only reason it would appear that there is upset is because they have broken up, which is more a result of both of them talking about it and other children saying upsetting things to them.

Not that I think it's a good idea for 13 year olds to go so far. I have a 13 year old and I would be very unhappy to hear that she was having oral sex, indeed I'd be pretty unhappy for my 15 year old too. However I know that there are children in both their years that have had sex and don't seem to feel that it's a particularly big deal.

I agree that this sort of experimentation has always happened, and there is nothing to suggest coercion; they were in a relationship and got carried away.

It is a shame that the girl talked about it, and I guess she is learning a hard lesson about privacy and gossip.

Personally I would concentrate on your DS and let the girl's parents worry about her. I would not escalate things by talking to her parents, unless you are friends, or to the school.

Your DS will not be harmed by the gossip (wrong but true that he will be getting pats on the back), and isn't in danger of prosecution (the law isn't there to guard against this scenario) but does need support if he is upset about the end of the relationship, and to understand why he is too young for this behaviour, and to hammer home the message about being respectful.

It sounds like you're doing all of this OP and it's great that he can talk to you openly. This sort of thing is happening in every school but how many of their parents ever get to know about it?

OP, does your son have a Facebook account or does he use other social media? Might it be worth taking a look and seeing if there is anything that you don't want online?

But you've emphasised sex as part of a loving relationship and he is upset that she finished with him because he says he loves her. Tbh, I'd be glad it was a bj not sex, much less risky for both of them and there are sadly plenty of teens their age having sex. He's learning through natural consequences (friends' reactions/GF dumping him etc) so try not to worry too much. Keep talking to him about respect and safe sex and hope that he waits a while before doing anything like it again.

I wouldn't worry about prosecution. The laws set out in the Sexual Offences Act 2003 are not intended to prosecute consensual sexual activity between young people of a similar age. They are intended to protect children of this age from abuse or exploitation by older teenagers and adults.

Geez, whatever your do, I would not engage the other girl's parents. Both kids seem like they did something they weren't ready for, both spoke about it afterwards and both are now distraught. Surely they learn their lesson from that

The girl will be having a harder time, so unless she's going off the rails I wouldn't see why you would engage her parents tbf.

Not a parent btw, but someone who recalls getting caught up in activity & 'relationships' aged 14 that I would not be proud of as an adult. FWIW I did not have sex until I was almost 18 (still pretty young, but safe, sane and consensual) and at university.