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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Would you make 16 year old come on holiday with you?

41 replies

AmblingAlong · 26/05/2014 10:44

I can't decide on this one.

Ds has just turned 16 and he's saying he doesn't want to join us on a trip to visit family this summer. I kind of think I don't want to force him and he'd be quite happy to stay home. We're abroad and it'd be to visit family in the UK but he doesn't have much of a relationship with them. They haven't been to see us in years and we haven't been for quite a while either as we've either not been able to afford it or have been visiting dh's side of the family in the US and Asia.

Would you let your 16 year old decide?

OP posts:
yourlittlesecret · 26/05/2014 10:49

I was going to say yes when I saw the thread title, but, a visit to family is not a holiday in my view and probably that of most 16 year olds.
A visit to family you don't even know well would be an ordeal for me not a pleasure.
I'd try a compromise, visit the relatives for as short a time as possible followed by a more appealing holiday?

Bluebees · 26/05/2014 10:52

No, I wouldn't let him decide, particularly if he were to be left unsupervised at home. If he were staying with other relatives then I'd consider it but at 16 he is still a child.

Also, he may well have an amazing time. Tbf he doesn't know if he will get along with the family or not and presumably there'll be days out etc. and lots for him to see and do.

I'd take him with you and risk a teenage sulk! At least you'll know he's safe and well. Could you relax and enjoy your holiday if he were home alone?

Original poster
AmblingAlong · 26/05/2014 10:53

I agree, it's not really a holiday although part of it would be spent at a holiday location (coast, holiday house). He wouldn't even be deprived of wi-fi Hmm
I was planning to go for 2 weeks but have sort of reduced it to 10 days. Even after all those compromises he still isn't keen to come Sad

OP posts:
SandStorm · 26/05/2014 10:53

I wouldn't make him come but I wouldn't leave him on his own either. Is there someone he could stay with for the duration?

Original poster
AmblingAlong · 26/05/2014 10:55

Blue exactly, he hardly sulks (no reason to) so one time won't hurt him! I'd probably only stay away a week if he stayed home too.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 26/05/2014 11:01

Well I would not leave him on his own.
I've not got to teenagers yet but I know my Mum would have insisted I come at that age.
It wouldn't really have been discussed as an option that I didn't to be honest.
I don't really understand why it's such a hardship to be taken on a free trip to travel in a new country.
Find it slightly ungrateful and spolit actually.
When you say family are we talking random cousins or his grandparents?

Original poster
AmblingAlong · 26/05/2014 11:04

Grandparents but hasn't seen them for over 5 years and they don't call or skype to keep in touch. E-mail twice a year.

Think I'll take him with us.

OP posts:
middleagedspread · 26/05/2014 11:07

If he was at home (alone?) who would keep an eye on him? If there's plenty of back up I'd be tempted to go without him.

SanityClause · 26/05/2014 11:10

I suppose I wouldn't "make" him, but I would make it clear that it was important to me for him to come.

Is there some kind of sweetener you could use? Surely there must be someting he'd love to do in the UK? What is he in to?

I would also ensure that he had someone suitable to stay with at home, if he didn't come.

Original poster
AmblingAlong · 26/05/2014 11:16

Part of the time dh would be home but he leaves the house early and works in a hospital so when he's in the operating room, sometimes all day, he can't be contacted. Half of the time he'll be in Sweden at a meeting so 3 days and nights away.
So no back up really.

Ds would sleep alot as teens do, he'd survive on toast and pizza and maybe go to the pool with a couple of friends. That's his plan but I have a feeling this should be the last official trip of me taking the grand children to the family and after that it's up to them if they want to go there or if the grand parents want to visit.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 26/05/2014 11:19

I live abroad from my parents. My 15 yo DD has recently said she finds my mother commenting on her facebook page a bit weird, because she barely knows her.

TBF, though, she doesn't feel the same way about other members of the family, who she can engage with more. So, when she posted a picture of her bruised knees from learning to snowboard, she was happy with the "wow, that's a bit hardcore" comments from my younger sisters, but a bit Hmm about my mother's offers to kiss them better!

But, if we went to see my parents, she would know she would also get to do lots of other cool stuff, as I would certainly make sure that was part of any trip we did, as well as the being polite bit.

Smartiepants79 · 26/05/2014 11:23

Sorry but grandparents would be non-negotiable in our house.
We'd all be going.

Original poster
AmblingAlong · 26/05/2014 15:01

So I'm not any further in the debate with ds.

He's just got in from school and had lunch and I tried to discuss him coming and what the real reason is that he doesn't like the idea. His reasoning is he'd rather just stay here, it'd be a waste of money and nothing on offer there is better than he could do or get if he just stayed here.

I tried to find out if it's the UK in particular that he doesn't like by asking if we were going to the US instead would he come and he said no, he'd rather not.

So it's going to be fun dragging a sulking teen on a plane and then half way up the country to 'that hole' as he called it Hmm
I have to book the flights soon too.

OP posts:
yourlittlesecret · 26/05/2014 15:29

Hmm. I might make him go just because of the attitude Wink, but that's not the solution you are looking for.
Teenagers can be very self centred can't they?

Smartiepants79 · 26/05/2014 15:55

This would make me so cross.
So many kids would give their right arm to travel abroad and may never get the opportunity.

BackforGood · 26/05/2014 16:04

I would certainly insist.
The fact he is going would be non-negotiable, but if he wanted to show he could have a mature discussion, then I'd be prepared to let him have some say over what he did while you were here - maybe visit some places he might have heard of (London / Stratford / Edinburgh) or go off hiking in the Lakes or Snowdonia ? Or do something that he wants to do as part of it - but of course sulking would mean he wasn't mature enough to have any say.

BeatrixRotter · 26/05/2014 16:07

I persuaded my dad to leave me at home for half a holiday at this age. A group who I thought were my friends descended on me as soon as they found out. There were no wild parties but they ate the contents of my freezer, stubbed cigarettes out in random places, and generally just made a mess and took advantage of the fact I wasn't brave enough to stand up to them.

Based on this I would make a 16 year old come with me.

calmet · 26/05/2014 16:11

I was left alone as a 16 year old while my parents went on holiday. It was fine. But I was very sensible.

Bowlersarm · 26/05/2014 16:15

I would make him come. You are asking for two weeks out of his time. Its nothing.

I would compromise though, and make a fair bit of the trip about what he wanted to do whilst we were there.

drinkingtea · 26/05/2014 16:24

I left a canal boat holiday with my parents and little sisters after 3 days at 16 to take the dog home on the train (cover we all colluded in for the fact the holiday together was hideous and they regreted insisting I go) .. I wouldn't make my kids go against their will if I had somebody to check on them, even at 39 I sympathise with the teen here :o but its tricky as I wouldn't go abroad and leave a 16 year old totally alone for 10 days either... sweeten it with interesting age relevant holiday stuff if possible, I guess.

Original poster
AmblingAlong · 26/05/2014 17:04

Right, I'm going to have another go at him tonight and see if there is anything he'd be interested in visiting and we can aim at doing that instead of the coastal trip.
Edinburgh would be possible to fit in.

OP posts:
adeucalione · 26/05/2014 17:14

Another one saying that you should encourage him to come.

Of course he'd rather stay at home, but a trip to visit family should be non-negotiable IMO.

In two years he'll be an adult and can decide for himself whether he wants a relationship with them or not.

I think his comment about visiting 'that hole' would tip me over the edge, what an attitude to the place his family call home and - presumably - the place where his mother grew up.

He's digging his heels in because he's sensed that victory is a possibility, you never show that kind of weakness with a 16yoGrin

ssd · 26/05/2014 17:18

TBH it sounds as boring as hell for a 16 yr old but he's too young to be left so needs must

Nocomet · 26/05/2014 17:28

I'm guessing the family would expect to see him, therefore he goes. End of.

Bumply · 26/05/2014 18:17

My 16 year old didn't come with me and ds2 on holiday this year. I was going to leave him on his own with neighbours/friends as backup but his dad remembered he had children the weekend before, heard of our plans and said ds1 couldn't be on his own so he'd have him. (Hadn't asked before as he's unreliable unless it's his idea)

In lots of ways it was easier (and cheaper) without him, but I do miss when he was young enough to want to be seen with family